You know those self-service things in Tesco?
Well I have it on good authority that if you pick up a bunch of bananas and something expensive that you don't want to pay for, you can select 'bananas' from the touchscreen menu, put all your goods on the scale and then pay banana price for e.g. a 42-inch television.
(Eukanuba, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 1:32, 6 replies)

Mate of mine...
...We were all out on a piss up. And, as we were much younger, beer trophies were a must have. The rules were we each had to get one and they each had to be different!

So, last pub, near kicking out time and we're all sitting with coat pockets laden with the usual pint glasses and ashtrays (yes, it was that long ago) and one lad, worryingly, had a urinal cake... But the less said about that the better!

Only one lad remained without a single trophy. He was desperately trying to think of something to take, something that no one else had got.
By kicking out time he still hadn't got anything. We all got our coats on and he said he was just going to the toilet and he'd meet us outside.

We waited, and were treated to the sight of him bursting through the door and running up the main street with a bar stool under one arm, and a rolled up rug under the other with an angry member of staff hot on his heels.

...He still has those trophies!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 0:38, 5 replies)

Once upon a time . . .
. . . I crept into the b3ta lair and stole the weekly newsletter.

If you want issue 606 I have it tied up in my basement. Get me £10 in used notes and a helicopter to Cuba and the newsletter doesn't get harmed.
(Cotsan, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 23:06, 2 replies)

I've got this:
When I was about seventeen I shoplifted from a used book store I really liked.

It was a book on karma.

Yes I knew what karma was, I knew what I was doing: really the most perverse thing I've ever done.

Ta-da.
(Smoked Oysters Yes, magick helmet! And I will give you a sample!, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 18:37, 7 replies)

There's a girl I know who smuggled a limited edition Optimus Prime toy out of some dodgy bloke's grotty flat in Finsbury park
She flogged it off to raise money to buy crack.
You DON'T want to know how she smuggled it out :(
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 18:24, 8 replies)

Most weekdays I steal ...
... a look at the woman of my dreams, who sits a few desks behind me and sometimes gets the sane bus to work.
Besides that it's been piffling stuff.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 18:20, 2 replies)

When I was about 8
I was wandering around some DIY store with my parents. They were looking at the paints, so I wandered up the aisle and down the next one looking at hardware and the like. That's when I saw the rack with the adhesive numbers and letters on. The smaller ones were only about 12p and I thought I could get one and stick it on my bedroom door and pretend I had an address.
I ran and told my parents who said something along the lines of "What for? You don't want to be wasting your pocket money on that." Or words to that effect.
I sloped off a bit disheartened and went and looked at the numbers and letters again. I reached up to push one to the side just to see if they were all the same behind it when the front one pinged off my finger tip and skittered off across the floor. I looked about but nobody had seen. So I sidled over and put my foot over it. Looking around to see if anybody was about I then began to lurch along the aisle dragging it along under my foot before bending down, picking it up and sticking it in my pocket.

Nobody had seen me.

I then wandered over to my parents again, probably with a massively guilty expression on my face. About 10 mins later, we left with a couple of those sample paint tins.

For the next 24 hours I was petrified in case the police turned up to arrest me for theft. I looked at my number, a 7, and it laid there in my hand. The haul from my shoplifting. I could just stick it on my door and if my parents asked, I could just say I went and bought one anyway. But then when the police arrived they would see the evidence on display in plain view and I would be in borstal by the end of the day.

The next day, my parents went back to the DIY store to buy the paint they wanted and I went along with them. I had the number 7 in my pocket and when it seemed safe, I wandered back to the display to return it. But there was somebody there! I then had an idea. I went near the tills and secretly dropped it out of my pocket on to the floor, picked it up in the most hammed up fashion possible and marched over to the lady behind the till.
"Miss, I found this on the floor." I said, and handed her it. She patted me on the head and said thank you and so I ran back to my parents, a great weight lifted off my shoulders.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 17:13, 1 reply)

When i get bad customer service in cafe or restaurant I never complain.
I just sit and mutter a bit then take petty revenge by stealing something from the table like the salt cellar or a spoon or a saucer.

Then again, i'm sure we all do that. Perfectly normal behaviour.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 16:45, 4 replies)

I was in the bath
and I stole a look at my tumescent penis and realised I needed the toilet

Long story short I ended up pissing in my own mouth
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 16:44, 3 replies)

If you're reading this...
...I'm stealing some of your day.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 16:40, Reply)

B3TA trolls once stole my sense of happiness and well being
by posting nasty things. I was well upset but then laughed a lot when they insulted other people who seemed to think engaging with replies was a wise thing to do. Many LOL's.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 16:39, 6 replies)

I often steal non physical things...
like a a disgusting fart that no one else will claim responsibility for.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 16:34, 2 replies)

A mate of mine would drink for free every St. Patricks day.
When the pubs get busy, the bar tops would be lined with pints of Guinness that are settling, waiting to be topped up for customers.

When the staff weren't looking he'd reach over and take one. He was never caught.

On one occasion he walked behind a busy club bar, wearing a black shirt like the staffs uniform. He managed to get two bottles of cheap wine, six bottles of Budweiser and a pack of crisps, and just told the person that questioned him that they were to fill an order at another bar in the same venue.
( Muns, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 16:29, Reply)

I stole Propranolol and it did not work. Still here.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 16:22, Reply)

I stole some of Dusty Springfield's cardiac muscle.
She loved it - begged me to do it again.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 14:47, 1 reply)

I would've gotten away with it
if it wasn't for you pesky kids.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 14:46, Reply)

We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!
Star Wars.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 14:26, 2 replies)

caterpillar
i stole a copy of the very hungry caterpillar from my local library when i was 7.
dullest theft ever.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 14:05, 2 replies)

_{I ate all your bees.}
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 13:49, 3 replies)

Ca plane pour moi
While out and about, I spotted an electric plane on sale for a very good price. Now an electric plane is not a tool you need every day, but when you do need it - for trimming a door, for example - it saves a great deal of hard, backbreaking work. So I decided to invest in it for the future.

As I expected, it was some time before I actually needed it. In fact it was probably more than a year. The door of my shed had broken, so I needed to replace it. With a sense of mounting excitement I opened the cupboard to get the shiny plane from its pristine box.

At which point I discovered that, while the shed door had been faulty, some scrote had stolen a number of power tools, including the unused plane.

I swore with every bastard stroke of the cunting hand plane that I now had to use to fit the goatfelching new door.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 13:29, 3 replies)

I once shared a house in a ski town in the snowy mountains of British columbia
Me and the other six dirtbag skiers got into shoplifting in a big way. The first time for me was tin of tuna in my ski jacket. Christ, how my heart was pounding as I went through the checkout. But we soon got competitive and the trick was to steal a complete meal for everyone when it was your turn to cook. The biggest thing I ever stole was a 20 piece frozen chicken pack shoved down the front of my trousers. If you've never had a 20 piece frozen chicken pack shoved down the front of your trousers I suggest you try it. The feeling is eroticaly exquisite
After the season was over I never really did it again, save on a couple of occasions when I had plausible deniability, but more to see if I still had the chops. A couple of the my friends continued shoplifting right up until family and the ratrace put an end to it.
No one I know was ever caught. That's the thing about shoplifting; it's very, very easy unless you are thick as shit. Is there someone watching or near you? Are there cameras? Yes. Then don't do it. Stick to the big stores, both for moral reasons (I don't like to hurt small businesses but big chains are fair game in my moral universe), but mainly because the person working there doesn't own the stuff and is on minimum wage, so couldn't give a fuck about theft anyway. I guess it helps being a relative clean cut white guy on the suspicions front, racial profiling and all that.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 13:29, 1 reply)

I stole a picture of Iron Man crying.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 13:29, 1 reply)

I've stolen four wheels from a mini, a chair from a pub, endless amounts of cheese, money from a purse, money from work which got me the sack, and probably something else. I've stopped now and i do feel guilty
(slipmatt Thats sooper dooper, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 13:27, 2 replies)

Holiday money bonanza
Some friends of the family went on holiday to some shitty ex-pat infested spanish island. Early into their two weeks away they were having dinner at a local eatery. For some reason or other she looks down at the floor, only to spot a huge wad of money on the ground by her foot. The husband was alerted to the presence of the money and they then discussed what to do with it.

I don't know whether they considered doing the honest thing like handing it in to the authorities or asking around if any of their fellow holidaymakers had lost anything. No. They decided they were going to keep it, and spunk it up the wall as soon as possible.

The money lasted two days of excursions, expensive meals and a shitload of booze and when it ran out they simply went to locate their money pile in their hotel room. Which they couldn't find.

They couldn't find their money because it turns out the large wad of cash that they found and pissed up the wall was actually their own money. They then spent the next week living off the remains of what little food they had left and the generosity of their fellow travellers (who they were previously happy to rip off).

It mystifies me how they didn't recognise their own cash; this story is so full of fail that it always raises a laugh when my dad retells it. The couple in question are one of those sorts that used to visit unannounced on Sunday afternoon, blag a tea off us (which Mum always struggled to put together, this was the early eighties - shops open on Sundays, are you having a laugh?), leave fag ash all over the lounge floor and shout "bllaaaahhhhddy 'ellll!" at Antiques Roadshow every five minutes.

Was this theft? Not really sure...length? Not too long, he died of skin cancer about ten years ago. One quackish 'cure' that he had heard of was to rub WD40 all over himself, honestly you could smell then before you saw them.
(mersault, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 13:08, 4 replies)

DOG FOOD
When I was about 6 I stole a handful of dry dog food from an open sack from a pet shop (it was like a dry dog food pic n' mix). I kept it in my pocket until I got home.

I felt so horrendously guilty I didn't know what to do with it so I got an empty fairy liquid bottle, cut it in half, then wrapped the dog food in cling film, put it in the fairy liquid bottle, taped the bottle back together with masking tape and hid it in the bottom drawer of my desk for months. One day I checked on it and it had disappeared, I was convinced my mum had found it and opened it to find my stolen goods.

Turns out she just thought it was rubbish (which it was) and put it in the bin.
(bomb, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 12:46, 2 replies)

I saw a guy get quite angry when accused of stealing the pub's bar towels
The fact that he was wearing trousers entirely made of stitched-together bar towels apparently made them suspicious. Can't think why.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 12:28, Reply)

It was a long time ago
and i had just moved into my first flat with the now ex Mrs Pie. This was above a shop but with a seperate access door so you didn't have to go through the shop to get to the flat. The shop itself specialised in selling top end designer trainers and because the owner had fallen foul of the local scallys kicking the front door in to get to the Chav gold behind it he had recently installed state of the art security shutters over the doors and windows.

Now you have the background our (crap) story starts one Saturday morning. I had dragged myself out of my pit after a heavy night on the beer and was feeling the worse for wear to say the least. After gathering the empties from the previous nights alcohol fest i staggered downstairs with it all in a carrier bag wearing nothing but my many holed and semen shattered dressing gown. I got to the front door, unlocked it and went to open it......
Nothing! It didn't move. Have I made a mistake and not unlocked the door? No its definitely unlocked. I could just make out a vague shape in front of the door through the frosted glass so i put my shoulder to it and gave an almigthy hung over heave.
There was a grating noise and the door opened enough for me to squeeze through the resulting small gap. Outside I could see the cause of the obstruction. Someone had neatly stacked a large pile of house bricks in front of the door. Apparently the local Neds having found their attempt to get a free fix of Adidas crack foiled by the very expensive shutters had simply made their own entrance through the back wall of the shop by chiselling out the bricks in the night and we, being so heavily sedated with alcohol, had failed to hear a thing.

Worse the bastards had stolen our wheelie bin to presumably use it to make getting away with their ill gotten gains easier, even going as far as to pick the day after bin day to plan their robbery so they knew that the bin would be empty! I did the only thing i could do and dumped the dripping bag in the neighbours bin before going back to bed
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 12:06, Reply)

I stole a bike from halfords
I know, I know halfords are shit and you shouldn't buy from them cos they don't know how to put bikes together etc etc.

Went to pick it up, handed over my card, signed, then there was an error from the machine, then the shop had a blackout lasting a fraction of a second, leaving a puzzled assistant manager wondering what to do. The card machine was not having any of it.

'I'm pretty sure that actually went through, but give me your name and address here and we'll contact you if we need to'.

I dutifully gave the correct information and to this day, they haven't taken their money.

They got their revenge though, the bike was shit.
(mersault, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 11:56, Reply)

I got jewed £14 for a pint of lager in Tromsø last year.
You could even see the brewery from the window of the bar so god knows what made it so pricey. 'Norway', I guess.
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 11:00, 18 replies)

cowboy loony killer builder from hell
i was just mob handed robbed by my x builder from hell! He built me two walls for an extension, overshot his quote by 3 days, worked really really slow, wandered off and did stuff i had told him didnt need doing. When I finally paid him up and told him to go because all my money was gone and I still needed to pay for the roof to go on, he said " ok then."
Then proceeded to tell my roofer " IF YOU DO ANY MORE WORK FOR THESE PEOPLE I WILL KILL YOU ALL .. THIS IS MY JOB AND IM EXPECTING 3K OUT OF THESE PEOPLE " He then phones me to tell me IF YOU PAY THE ROOFER FOR ANY MORE WORK I WILL KILL YOU ALL" So we all laugh nervously and the roof guy does my roof. Well he starts doing my roof, till X Builder turns up mob handed with a van full of thugs and proceeds to steal all his tools from my living room. Police called, injunction got ( £240.00 )evil builder arrested, denies robbing the tools, then shows up to strangle my roofer guy on another job, police re-called builder re arrested, still no tools found. 6 weeks in and I am 2 days away from being finished, longest 1 week job evah!! and yes, its not funny at all...
(a girl called harry, Fri 8 Nov 2013, 10:59, 1 reply)