So many TMI's about pubes!
Alas this is no exception.
Some years ago a group of us were sat in the pub. One of our number was going away for a weekend of relentless shagging to celebrate his first anniversary (he has since married the girl so good luck to him) and announced coyly that his GF had gone off for a wax that afternoon to spice things up.
At this point another of the group (no names- I'm new here and I'm completely unsure if any of this gathering might be present) looked up from his pint and simply stated "I hope she doesn't shave it all off, M**** (his then girlfriend) did that once and it was like fucking an uncooked chicken." Erm right. Not only did I routinely meet this girl and from then on found myself looking at her and wondering but I've never shaken that comment from my head whenever I prepare a roast chicken.

Length?- All the way to the gizzards for all I know.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 10:39, Reply)

Friend of a friend
got a summer job on a poultry farm. His job?

Turkey wanker.

Yup, his job was to bring male turkeys to climax and collect their semen for artificial insemination purposes.

_{Disclaimer - I was told this story as being true, but I'm not so sure. Perhaps those with experience of poultry breeding could let me know if it's plausible?}

Edit: I have had several replies informing me that it is indeed a recognised procedure, so it looks like this bloke was telling the truth after all.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 10:37, Reply)

There was a guy at my school who was unusual in two ways.

i) he'd been caught having a wank in the school toilets.

ii) he'd been to every school in the world, and been caught having a wank in the toilets of every one.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 10:36, Reply)

my grandfather was a theatre critic for most of his life.
He was belligerently traditional. He hated 'modern' theatre, and had nothing but venom for such productions as 'Hair' and 'Equus'. Often he'd describe the play, writer, actors and/or anyone who liked it with his worst insult, 'effeminate' (slightly ironic given his profession). But his particular bugbear was modernisations of Shakespeare. He hated them so much that my mother was forbidden to have an LP of the soundtrack to 'West Side Story'. One day during the '70s, he reviewed a 'challenging' production of MacBeth, where the characters were all meant to be pigs, and the actors performed naked but for a pig mask, and covered in (actual) excrement. He was so outraged that in the middle of writing a scathing review he had a heart attack, and died.

The coroner ruled it was foul play.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 10:34, Reply)

My grandad, in his dotage
was in a nursing home. My mum and gran were visiting him one day and he looked a bit uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I need a... movement", came his reply.

My gran was getting a bit deaf....

"Eh? What's that?"

"I need a movement", he repeated.

"Eh? Speak up, I can't hear you".

"HELL, WOMAN - A SHITE. I NEED A SHITE!"

At which point my mum fell about laughing and my gran was mortified. But the old bloke got his shite.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 10:33, Reply)

Don
Guy at school admited wanking his dog off.
Also he had wank with toothpatse on his nob.

and its not me.
(kitescreech still here, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 10:22, Reply)

Lie down and think of England.
To quote oneself:

'I'd rather have it up the arse than in my mouth!'
I said when discussing with my colleague about when I had a camera put down my throat, he'd had it both ends ooooerrrrrr.
(middenface Toss my salad, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 10:03, Reply)

true story
When my grandma was pregnant with my father, once she started 'showing' she stopped going out of the house.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 10:01, Reply)

Scaring the neighbours
My father once said to my mother and sister, looking distinctly nervous, "There's Something sitting on top of the toilet cistern."

"Umm. Yes. It is a packet of tampax."

"Well, could you move it please?"

"OK, but why...?"

"It's next to the window. Someone outside could see it."

So the offending item was removed before the neighbours twigged to the shocking news that there were people in the house capable of menstruation.
(scuttlefish is drifting into the arena of the unwell, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 9:55, Reply)

Dr Woods
My mate Woody has qualified as a doctor recently after fifteen years of study.

I phoned him after his first day to congratulate him, his response?

"Wahey! Guess what I've had my whole hand in today?"

Bleurgh
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 11 Sep 2007, 9:45, Reply)

I think I have a broken TMI switch
I am known among my friends for generally being a veritable lump of TMI - the person who always chats about bodily fluids while eating failing to notice everyone pushing their plates away. I think I have also broken my girlfriend's TMI switch as well; probably when I left the mother of all shites in the toilet, described it as having passed Arizona and invited her to look. Now, she declined this, but went to the toilet about 30mins later to discover more than enough still remaining in the bowl (the bugger wouldnt flush!). Since then she always asks whether I have passed another randomly-selected state. It seems normal now.

Anyway, onto the actual story. Again its more of an video than a discussion. Had a couple of mates round, not much really going on, had a couple of beers, thought we would sling on some porn. Me and one of my mates are giggling like girls at the general behaviour of the people in said porn when we spotted that my other mate (who had moved the duvet lying on the sofa over him cos he was cold) was ..... well, fidgeting. We watched him solid in a state of shock before descending into complete hysterics. My mate didn't really notice and when he did turn round to see what was up he carried on with his "self-bonding". Eventually I had to turn the porn off to make him stop. He still very vigorously maintains he wasn't doing anything.

Thinking about it, it is slightly a guilty secret because when I told my gf about it, and expecting her to laugh, she just said "so there were 3 blokes watching porn and one of you was masturbating while the other 2 looked on. Sounds a bit gay my love". And yes, on reflection, it does sound very gay. But I can assure you it was not. Really seriously not.

No apologies for length as he still maintains he wasn't doing a thing.
(McMosha is clockwatching at, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 9:44, Reply)

TMI for a doctor
My mate (yes one of THOSE stories)...

anyways, backstory. My mate when he was a teenager used to be a bit into the millitant fashion (read Army Surplus reject) He had a nice "commandoe" combat knife.

One night he was out at a party with friends getting rather inebriated. As a party trick he was openeing bottles of champagne with his trusty knife. ofc being rather on the worse side of the bottle he managed to open one the "wrong way" (pulling knife towards him not away) and the usual happened. He cut a big hole in his arm.
Piled with 10+ towels (as the pub story goes) his mates take him to a&e. Saturday night. Lots of drunken idiots with injuries.
Anyways, he;s told to wait until someone can see him unless it;s serious. My mate turns to the receptionist and says "what do you think?" pulls off his dressing and spurts blood onto her desk. Cue receptionist screaming "We've got a bleeder" and the people in a&e running (running I tell you!) to help him.
After things had been cleared up a junior doctor was stiching up my mates arm. My mate, still being a bit pissed and on the slightly morbid side kept pointing to the different tendons and artieries that were visable from his wound and asking the doctor which each one did (including trying to poke them to see what would happen) The doctor turned round to him and said "please could you stop doing that sir it;s really un-nerving having you asking about all that while I'm trying to stich you up"

TMI? It was for the doctor.

Length? Long enough to make a gash bleed.(suddenly feels the hate)
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 9:27, Reply)

onlineamiga
Apparently (from gleaning TMI from a mate who had exactly this problem) the worst part about the kidney/bladder stone incident is not the camera going in. The problem is if they put in a catheter and leave it in for a day or two. Then the end which is in the bladder gets encrusted with crystallised piss (urea deposits, I presume) and extraction of the catheter becomes very painful as it scrapes and abrades its way right from the bladder to the bell end...

Ooyah!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 8:45, Reply)

Po ho ho
At the age of 3, daughter proudly emerged from the bog to tell me she'd done a poo shaped like Santa.
(mudskipper, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 8:29, Reply)

Kidney Stones
A guy i used to work with had a case of the old Kidney Stones, and proceded to give us regular updates of the whole event. If anyone ever wants to tell you about their experiences of kidney stones, I advise to not let them!
He told us about the lumps of sharp stone that he had to pass through his pisser a tube normally reserved for fluids only. Theres no way i can reproduce the hurrendous details on here about the testing procedures he also had to go through, like having a camera shoved up his japs eye with no anasthetic or anything. And then a camera and another tube to push water into the bladder to test the bladder contents. Apparantly the bladder isnt even close to full when youre at the point where youre about to piss yourself. And they had to fill it up. So you can imagine how that felt. Badly needing to pass with a camera and a tube shoved up an orifice which even the most perverted sex act had never dared ventured.

Never drink black tea thats all i can say.

Length? Probably wouldnt be very long ever again.
(Miggyman, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 8:21, Reply)

My own fault
I had crashed at a friends house after a party (plenty of drinking and the like), and woke up the next day feeling like shit. I told him that I was going to take a shower and he replied "Just don't use the blue towel." I stupidly asked why. He said "Cuz its my wanking towel."

Can't really blame him for being honest. I should have known it was something like that, but hearing it, well, it's just plain strange.
(irgod, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 5:52, Reply)

Warts
This is something that I haven't told anyone... My friend told me this in strict confidence.

It was about a year ago, and I just recently lost my virginity to a lovely man whom I am still with. We hadn't so much as kissed anyone before each other, and used a condom, so worries about STDs and the like were pretty well nonexistent. Nonetheless, when I told my friend about my new status as a non-virgin, I was still lectured about STDs and being careful... Apparently she had experience in this department.

Her boyfriend had done the deed with a filthy tramp-like girl shortly before being with my friend, and from said tramp he'd caught HPV--genital warts. Naturally, the clever bastard neglected to tell my friend before she slept with him. Result? She now had warts too.

Learning this much wasn't too bad. When she began to explain how the doctors used a device that "looked like a hole-punch" on her lady parts, I was all right with this. Descriptions of the blood, pain, etc., these I could handle.

But when she told me she used to freeze the tutu-like ring of puffy warts off her boyfriend's penis with stolen liquid nitrogen from the lab in which she worked... Really, that was FAR too much information.
(AlfishKK, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 2:03, Reply)

I find TMI very useful especially.....
when you pull a sickie at work.

The whole "I've got a dose of vomiting and the shits" excuse had been done to death in the supermarket I used to work in. However I used it at least every 3 months and never got questioned...why? TMI

We had a manager who would try to embarrass staff on the shop floor after they came back from a dose of puking and shitting by asking you about it...in front of customers. He tried it with me but I simply replied with such gems as:

"It was horrible, like squirting burning hot acid from my arse and it was so runny it soaked the paper and my fingers went right through it"

and

"The puking was worse, like throwing up gravel and i kept making this noise *insert impression at full volume*, over and over, some even came down my nose there was so much of it...and you know that vomit smell you get in your nose after you puke? well....." and so on.

So it had the added bonus of never being interrogated about sickies again and customers didn't ask me for half a pound of mince very often either.
( Bamboo Steamer, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 1:42, Reply)

Unzipped
Many many moons ago, I was at Uni (why are all the best/worst stories from uni?) in Bristol. The first year, I was in halls. And at Bristol Poly, there were two student villages on the Coldharbour Lane campus. Each village consisted of a bunch of houses with about six students to a house. They all started out as single-sex houses, but that lasted about a day...

Anyway, I was seeing this lass who shared a house with five other girls, one of whom we shall call Kirsty, for that is her name. Kirsty was a bit of a bike, and she did like to get ridden. She also liked her variety, did our Kirsty. She eventually managed to shack up with this hapless loser called Mark. I say "shack up"; "shag more-or-less-exclusively for more than two weeks" would be more accurate.

Anyway, Kirsty was a screamer and a moaner, and she liked to be a bit bossy. One summer's evening, she had her window open, so we could hear everything, as could most of the student village. In fact, the lamp in the girl below's room was swaying and little flakes of Artex and paint were gently falling. Almost christmassy.

Well, during this marathon session, we (in the lounge downstairs) had to turn the telly RIGHT UP so we could sort-of drown her out. Well, eventually the noises from upstairs died out, so we turned the telly down. Just in time to hear a truly blood-curdling scream. Honestly, a true adrenaline-squirter. None of us could tell whether it was male or female, and it wasn't repeated, so we weren't sure where it had even come from.

The next morning, Kirsty's duvet appeared in the bathtub, covered in blood. Having been on the piss the night before, I don't think any of us immediately connected the scream with the duvet, and just assumed that she'd had an "accident" or something. Well, she left the duvet festering in six inches of water for two months 'til it went mouldy, but that's another story.

The TMI bit came a few days later, when we happened upon Mark in the student union bar. At that point we realised that we hadn't seen him around Kirsty for a while, and we just assumed he'd been given the heave-ho. Well, over a pint or two, the whole sordid story came out.

Apparently, their marathon evening of lurve had ended with Kirsty performing a bit of manual upon Mark. Unfortunately, Kirsty was a little too boisterous, and on a downstroke managed to unzip Mark's little man entirely from his helmet (the scream), occasioning much squirty blood (the duvet) and agony whenever he even THOUGHT about getting stiff (his absence).

Then he dropped his kecks and showed us the 22 (yes, 22) stitches that were holding his old chap together.

Apologies for length, but I did ask Mark why he didn't ask for a little "extra" while they had the needle out...
(lustfish, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 1:23, Reply)

Pot the brown
So, this guy starts work - if you're reading this, K, sorry, but it's just too funny.

Anyways, week 1 down, Thursday comes round and there's talk of nipping round the pub for a few pints followed by a few pints. So, we duly set off and 2 of us are talking to the office man-whore about his latest conquest - apparently some bird he's with wants him, in no particular order, to cum on her tits, shag her up the arse, and piss on her. Much piss-taking (heh, a pun) ensues.

So, Mr. new-boy, K, has a laugh and joins in the crudery - no better way to become one of the lads.

Me, in my ever-inquisitive way, asks K. if his missus has any filthy sexual habits.

"Well, she does take it up the arse sometimes."

Silence....

Man-whore starts wetting himself laughing but trying to keep it in. Tears are flowing out of his eyes but his mouth is buried in his pint.

I follow up, as I must, with: "So, does she do it cos she likes it or just to please you?"

"I'm not sure she's a fan, I think it's just for me"

Silence stops - guffaw is the only word I can think of to describe the laughing that erupts round the table.

What is most amusing is that his girlfriend is coming to meet him that very night with us round the table.

More lads arrive from work and are duly informed of our co-workers love of arse-buggery and his girlfriend's willing-not-loving feelings towards it. K. gets quite upset that I've told everyone and says "That was a personal comment"

Em....Suuuuurrre......

Then his girlf arrives. I tell you, butter would not melt in that mouth (But it will in her arse, wha?!?!?!)

He hasn't liked me since, because somehow it's MY fault that he told us all...
(beirtipol, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 0:06, Reply)

Family?
TMI? This Saturday's Guardian Family section. Yes, Family. The whole front page was about the story of some middle aged woman and how she started to use a vibrator!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 10 Sep 2007, 22:29, Reply)

When I do a shit and tell my fella about it
He really hates that. Especially if I tell him the water splashes onto my flaps.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Mon 10 Sep 2007, 22:20, Reply)

Posting too many answers to Question of the week
just to improve my poor attempt at a profile :)
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Mon 10 Sep 2007, 21:47, Reply)

TMI?
watch bbc 3 now!
( bierbelly, Mon 10 Sep 2007, 21:46, Reply)

Piddly pants.
As she was leaving my flat to go to the airport, my friend just informed me that sometimes she has to check that she's pulled her knickers down before she goes for a wee as she's worried that she's forgotten and is pissing through the gusset.

The mental image is still throwing me now, 2 hours later.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 10 Sep 2007, 21:34, Reply)

R Jimlad just reminded me
My first boyfriend told me that once, out of sheer curiosity, he tasted his own babygravy.

I am still baffled as to why you would want to share this with anybody.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Mon 10 Sep 2007, 20:56, Reply)

It was written all over his face...
Sometimes you don't need to actually HEAR the story to realise you've been told too much.

There used to be a lad called Andy who lived a few streets away from me before his folks divorced and he moved away with his mum. Andy was the sort of typical mate you have when you're 15 as I was at the time; long nights spent on the playstation, smoking and talking shite. He was also 'the kid who could get unlimited porn' which meant I was round his house quite a lot.

I went round one evening after school and his dad answered the door, said hello and said "just go on up". Climbing the stairs I could hear the usual strains of Rage Against The Machine coming from his room and I shouted "Killing In The Name Of!" as I reached the top of the stairs. I could hear some commotion coming from his room and as I approached his door flew open and he burst past me to the bathroom mumbling something about needing a piss.

Too slow. For both of us. I'd seen it. The full lob tenting his tracksuit bottoms and his face looking like... well, like one of the teasers from www2.b3ta.com/man-milk-or-moo-milk/

I sat in his room waiting for him, watching the brand new porno that was still playing in the video and pieced it together.

My mate, on obtaining new porn had just cum in his own face.

Being a friend, the only people I've ever told this too are his 2 friends Richard and James, his first girlfriend, all my other mates and now the whole internet.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Mon 10 Sep 2007, 20:40, Reply)

the Gollum incident
Luckily i wasnt there to witness this but anyway...

Every year our 6th form has a chirstmas show where the 6th formers and teachers put on various sketeches, etc to perform to the year 11's and the other 6th formers. Our head of 6th form usually does a sketch with another teacher. One year he happened to play gollum from Lord of the Rings.

Gollum only wears a thong in the film. You can see already where this is leading.

Mr Clemments came on stage dressed in only a thong. Mr Clemments must be in his late 40's/ early 50'. He started to scrabble around on stage when suddenly out pops his "Smeagol" in front of three entire year groups. Needless to say they got an early christmas present the equiviliant of Santa shitting down the chimney. I think that seeing your teachers cock counts as too much info, dont you?

Length? as long as Mr Clemments's ;)
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Mon 10 Sep 2007, 20:07, Reply)