I shouldn't have shared
My opinions of Marcel Desailly

Signed,
Ron Atkinson.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 9 Sep 2007, 14:43, Reply)

Flatmates cat
He really shouldn't have told me it drowned in cement, and then proceeded to mime the cartoon style cat shape. Or at least he should have expected me to find it fucking hilarious.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 9 Sep 2007, 14:40, Reply)

Good Old Annie
My good friend Annie is the quiet type. My friends and i are loud, crass and totally out do her in anything she tries.

We were watching The Simpsons and i asked what DMY actually meant.. what part gets messed? Annie looks at me and goes "You know? Fanny batter! Old yogurt."

Suffice to say im now looking for a boyfriend.
(Dodger, Sun 9 Sep 2007, 13:16, Reply)

Give It Here
Outside the office on a smoking break with a few of the lovely but terrifying middle aged women I work with. Somehow the conversation always seems to turn odd and this time we'd managed to get on to the subject of vasectomies. The following is a verbatim record of how the conversation ended in shocked silence, then pissing ourselves laughing.

"When our Jim had the snip he came back from the after check with a little cup. They have to make sure it's worked, see. So I was watching Neighbours and he nipped off upstairs to do the sample thingy. Five minutes later he walks in the front room. Naked. He looked at me and said the little cup was making him nervous and he just couldn't do it. I took the cup off him, looked at his willy and said 'give it here, then'.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sun 9 Sep 2007, 10:41, Reply)

Birthday Treat
At my 21st birthday party my mother managed to get so pissed she was talking to my bloody mates about her sex life. One of my mates at the time had just had her first child and was commenting on how she thought she'd never dare have sex again in case the child heard her at it. My mother nodded knowningly and started talking about the number of times she'd bitten pillows so casually that I nearly vomitted. She then nodded at me and finished with "When him and his brother got old enough to walk we put vaseline on the doorhandle so they couldn't get in."

Sigh.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sun 9 Sep 2007, 10:27, Reply)

Cheese
I've always been incredibly fastidious when it comes to personal hygiene, so it was with fascinated horror that I listened when I first heard of the substance known as 'knob cheese' in my early teens. I couldn't understand how such a thing could happen, surely washing your dick isn't too complicated an operation for most people. I made the mistake of incredulously asking "So, does it actually look like cheese???"

Any answer to this question would count as too much information. Without warning, flopping your dick out and showing me the said cheese, as my mate did, was just fucking horrific.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sun 9 Sep 2007, 9:05, Reply)

True story
"What would you like to drink, sir?" The kindly barman asked.

"Tio Pepe" said I, nervously...
(Give me the cheese you cocksucker No board sig in protest., Sun 9 Sep 2007, 8:41, Reply)

Things you will never consider
First a warning this story is NOT about fluffy kittens. I have told this story to several people and they have all been a bit traumatised , I did warn them but they didnt listen .
A very dear friend of mine Diane, was a nursing student (qualified now) when she joined me and my flatmates down at the pub one night.

We were discussing this and that as you do when someone asked Diane what they were covering that week at college . "Bowel surgery" she says . Erm ok things went a bit quiet. She continues "what they do is cut you open all the way down here" and proceeds to run her finger down my front. I swear it felt like a scalpel opening me up. Things went quieter especially from me.
But there was more.

Squeamish readers this is your last chance to look away.

They had also covered colostmy bags that week. Fair enough nurses deal with these things.
Apparently they sew up your puckered walnut if you end up needing one of these for 2 reasons 1) It isnt required anymore and 2) Its a potential source of open infection. Makes sense dosent it?

Someone in Dianes class stuck their hand up asked the following question " So how do gay couples have sex then?" Obviously bum games are out of the question.

Very last chance folks

The lecturer replied quite matter of fact " some couples poke the colostomy bag apparantly they enjoy the warm feeling"

Que four very nauseated looking flatmates with mental images burnt into their brains and one nonplussed nursing student.

Diane honey i love you but that night it was way way too much information.
(welgar, Sun 9 Sep 2007, 7:40, Reply)

I still cringe...
Twas summer. I spent most of my days hanging out at the open air pool in Scarborough, (I know..)drinking beer chilled in the fountains, and rubbing in Hawaian Tropic.. When it came to pass that out of the changing rooms came a girl I had done the dirty with the night before... The walk from the changing rooms to the sunny side of the pool was a long one, and the time she took to walk around the edge of the pool was time I used to good effect - boosting my sex god credentials by telling my friends every detail of the dirty, filthy evening thet had gone before... As she approached, I basked in the approval of my peers. Closer ... and I voiced the opinion that she was obviously up for some more Ott3r lovin.... As she laid out her towel immediaely behind me I heard her utter the words that I'll never forget.

"Hi Mum, Hi Dad..."

The silence that followed haunts me still.
(Ott3r, Sun 9 Sep 2007, 0:33, Reply)

In the pub one lunch time with a work mate....
...it was his birthday. Only a few of us had come out with him and he (sarcastically) said it was nice of the whole office to join his birthday celebrations - to which I said "It's your party and you can cry if you want to".

His response?

He asked the whole group if anyone had ever cried on their birthday?

He answers his own question...

"I have. I'd just cracked one off and I was feeling a bit lonely so I had a bit of a cry..."
(Hoff (not to be confused with "The Hoff"), Sun 9 Sep 2007, 0:25, Reply)

Most awful alarm call!
I was serving with the British Armyand based near Cambridge. Due to my rank, I was 'Block Senior' for the single soldiers accommodation that I lived in. Not wanting to be seen as an ars3, I made up a fair set of rules for the guys in the block, basically gave them the rope, it was up to them if they hung themselves!

Now the written rule was 'No women in the accommodation after 2300'. This was stuck to during the week but I didnt mind the guys having their lady friends (or town tramps) staying over on weekends, as long as I didnt find naked women running round the accommodation at 3 in the morning!

One young guy 'Stavros' was knocking the back out a rather pretty american air hostess who used to stop by whenever she was in the UK.

One weekend, she was staying, but off on an early flight sunday morning, so saturday night we all headed into town for a good lash up. The girl in question wasnt drinking as she was flying the next day and stavros and his lady friend disappeared back to barracks early enough to make sure they had plenty quiet time before we all got back.

Next morning, Im woken by a hammering on my bunk door which does nothing for the hangover that immediately starts pounding in my skull.

I shout 'come in' and Stavros comes through the door and says 'I think my missus might have something you know'

'As in what?' I stupidly ask!

In one quick movement, he whips out his dick, pulls back the foreskin and with it about 2 feet from my face points to the red rash around his bell end!

'Stavros, Get you fekkn dick out of my face' I shouted, next thing you know, everyone is knockin to come and see his rash in my room!

Turns out it was only thrush, but being 'Dad' of the block, I still had to go and buy him Canesten at the chemist as the poor young lad was so embarrassed!
(indigo_prime, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 23:34, Reply)

Ahem ...not me but
A group of my old mates were giving it some "Remember when....blah blah" about their school days. when one piped up remember when we used to give each other a wank in the toilets. Cue the tumble weeds.... I hasten to add they went to a different school to me.
(freddred, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 22:23, Reply)

Gays do the funniest things
A few years ago when I was still at college, I knew a guy who was of the gay persuasion. Nothing wrong with that, but sadly there is more to the story.

One day a conversation was going along the route of pain. I think I'd just told how I'd almost broken my ribs once. "That's nothing." taunts the gay guy. My response was in hindsight not wise. "Oh yeah? Well what’s your most painful experience?" His reply? "Screaming on the end of my cousin's knob, losing my anal virginity."

Safe to say he won.

Length? Its the girth that got him.
(Mong goose, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 22:11, Reply)

Tearing
Picture the scene. I'm eating some delicious home grown raspberries round my friend's house. his mother walks in. We chat about when he was a young 'un.
Then this happens.
Mother: You know, when your friend were born, there was quite a bit of tearing.
Pacman: ...
Mother: And the funny thing was, it happened with his brother too! Exactly the same place as well!
Pacman: ...

Funny, I was meaning to ask her for ages, but it somehow slipped my mind...

Oh, and that'll be the end of the raspberries then.
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 22:09, Reply)

My former flatmate
went out on a lunchtime birthday do for a girl at Ford Motor Credit in Birmingham. She knocked back 14 double vodkas in under an hour, and just as a wave of alcohol poisoning was about to hit her, she stood up and announced to the whole pub, "My boyfriend's sperm tastes of hazelnuts."

Then she passed out.

Said boyf was nowhere to be seen, so my flatmate spent the afternoon in A&E with her while she was having her stomach pumped. Of vodka I mean, not hazelnut-tasting-sperm.
(rogerzilla, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 22:07, Reply)

definitely bizarre
My housemate Lee (hi) and his boyfriend were reading the latest copy of Bizarre magazine the other night, and was rather tickled by the first sentence of an article in said magazine, which went: "When does love become obsession? Is it when you feel the need to be with your loved one every waking moment? Perhaps...[blah blah blah}...is it when you find yourself secretly sniffing their underwear to 'tide you over' until you next meet?"
I was chuckling merrily away until Lee turns to the bf and says "yeah, as if I'm anyone to talk! You too, hehehe...."

Still clearing the tumbleweeds from the lounge.
(Ryuken-Kai, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 22:05, Reply)

An acquaintance at 6th form
...let slip that his girlfriend was 5 years old. A***** B******, where are you now? (Apart from the sex offenders' register, obviously.)
(rogerzilla, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 22:04, Reply)

Fat sex stories
Resident fat chav girl who inexplicably gets cock. At secondary school. She would inform anyone within ear shot of her sexual conquests.

There was the time she earned her brown wings with a 20 year old at the age of 15, it was "too quick fer me an' I shit myself... di'nt stop 'im though".

There was the time when another of her elder boyfriends was taking her (it?) out for a drive down the A419 when he "pulled ova into a layby and fuckt me brains owt"
Unfortunately this pseudo-pedophile was out of rubbers, thinking on her feet, she just "let him cum in me an' I warshed it out on sunday".
That happened on a Friday.

But, by far, the worst case of TMI was when we saw her tarted up to go clubbing.

Take one Jade Goody, then change the skin colour to 'British Chav pale'.
Then add 20lbs of sheer flab (which explains her cup size - 38DDD apparently).
Proceed to add an extra 20% of fugly.
Marinade it in the smell of "bacon gone bad"
Dress in a loose, low cut top that stops just as the bulging pot-belly begins.
Follow this up with a very short, billowy mini-skirt.
And no pants.

Multiply this by a windy day and you will obtain "loss of lunch".

And I thought seeing her in a swimsuit was bad enough....ergh.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 21:58, Reply)

Once upon a pub in Chadwell Heath
When I was over in Blighty about three weeks back, I went to visit my cousin for a few nights in Chadwell Heath. Now, I must inform you all fellow b3tans that my cousin is a born-again gayman, and is as camp as a row of pink tents.
First day, he comes gets me from my place of residence where I'd got rather pi55ed on wine over lunch and slept it off. . . We gets back to his, the fags are opened ('scuze the pun) and large amounts of Polish Vodka and Lager is drunk. Cousin goes to bed with his lover, I go to bed twatted after having spoken to Mrs lying-like-a-flat-fish and all is well. . .
Second night, rather the same form except we go to the pub for a birthday. Everyone gets pissed on Stella, and being out with the majority of Chadwell Heath's gay community, I was quite prepared for listening to things that I didn't wanna know. However, I was not prepared to listen to my cousins partner talk about how he tried to 'stick his fingers in, but he didn't respond'.... The evening became a little blurry after that!!

Length? Please, just not in this post!
(Margaret Thatchers Right Gonad Is up inside ya, finding an entrance where He can!, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 21:08, Reply)

Sub of the day?
Whilst sat in Subway having lunch with work colleagues.

Work Colleague: "How does that 6-inch monster taste?" (To my team leader)
Team Leader: "Pretty good, it doesn't taste of spunk."
Work Colleague: "and how do you know what spunk would taste like?"
Team Leader: "Well everyone gets bored and tastes their own."
( MonkeyOfCode is your favourite waste of time, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 21:02, Reply)

A coupla years ago
My ex missus had to go home back to North Wales because her Mum had gotten quite sick. Not sick as in dying but sick as in she caught some bug. Anyway, said ex goes back to help her Dad out with caring for Mum. A few days later ex asks me to go up there to help out as well as her Dad had now gotten sick. I couldn't go up straight away as it was a weekday so arranged to go on the weekend. COme the time of the weekend everyone is pretty much better but i still have a paid for ticket so go anyway.

When I get up there. I was making idile chat with her Dad saying things like "It's good that everyone is better now" and ask how he's feeling. I expected the usual "Oh I am fine now", instead I got told everything in quite gory detail.

It turns out that the Mum was sick in bed and needed to go to the toilet. Unfortunately, the Dad was at the shop getting medicine so the Mum decides to empty her bowels anyway all over the bed. Not easy clearing stools but a pool of brown gunk. The Dad got back home carried the Mum into the bathroom and washed her, changed the sheets and put her back to bed. This happened a couple of times before the Dad unsuprisingly got sick.

He proceeded to tell me that when he got sick he was trying to care for both him and her. She said she needed to go to the toiler. He went to help her. The strain of lifting her up made him shit himself. He didn't just leave it there. He repeated again with more emphasis "I shit myself".

I was standing there with a pained look saying things like "Oh that is terrible" but in truth the insides of my cheeks were bleeding from biting too hard. I had to get out of the house which I did by pretending my phone was ringing not just to laugh but to get away from the smell in there. It smelt of days old shit and vomit!

There are other occasions where he has told me too much information
(Clivicus, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 20:54, Reply)

inadvertant tmi
A friend of a friend of mine at uni once had his parents up for the weekend. The friend of a friend in question woke up surprisingly early on the Saturday and decided to ring his best mate on the hall phone in order to tell him at the top of his voice all about the weeks sexual conquests; the best quote from the conversation being "yeh and I managed to shag this fat bird up the arse, it was great!".
With his conversation complete friend of a friend saunters into the lounge only to find that his Dad has also woken up early and has just heard every word of his conversation, to which the father says "sit down, we need to have a talk about the way you treat women..."
( MonkeyOfCode is your favourite waste of time, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 20:44, Reply)

Not here, not ever
'My ring is as sore as chuff, I reckon i've got piles'
Being told that by a colleague in the works reception is probably a bit too much info in the wrong surroundings.
'What do you reckon?' then being confronted with the ring in question a split second later was WAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 20:39, Reply)

Nuns..
'AFTER 10 YEARS OF DIAHORREA.MY ARSE IS TIGHTER THAN A NUN'S CHUFF'

My colleague says very loudly in the canteen..
(middenface Toss my salad, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 19:36, Reply)

Semen, thrush and following through
I remember one GCSE Spanish lesson, one of the guys who sat behind me told us how he came into a cup and then tasted it. Wtf? Fine, you do that if you like, but does the whole class need to know?!

Sometimes, you don't need to say anything to be given TMI. I walked into my sister's room not long ago to see a big box of 'Vagisil' on the table. Yum. (Although I gotta admit, I think it's the funny name that gets to me more than anything!)

Whilst doing some group revision for my final year Uni exams, my good friend came out with a cracker. Now, this girl was normally so pulled together. For some reason, conversation turned to an incident that she found thoroughly amusing. I wasn't paying attention at first, because I was too busy drawing fission, but when I turned my attention back to their convo, I caught the end of her story which was "so I farted, but then something didn't feel right, and I realised I had followed through!" She said this without any shame whatsoever! I was torn between shock and killing myself laughing. I couldn't really look at her the same way after that.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 18:52, Reply)

i once found my mothers dildo.
it was purple and glittery.

*shudder*
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 18:12, Reply)

I just really didnt need to know.
I was on the bus back to my mates flat the other day. We were all hungover and sitting a few seats in front of some incredibly annoying chavettes. The music from their mobile phones actually hurt my brain but what was worse was when their friend got on the bus, sat down next to them and exclaimed loudly "Ooh! My tampon's just gone RIGHT up me. This is the fuckin' messiest period ever!"

Cheers. I needed that like i need a punch in the face.
(MutantSixtyFour isn't doing his work on, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 17:30, Reply)

not directly
but the other day i was minding my own business, wandering around the house looking at things.
you know... as you do when you live in a permanent daydream with happy thoughts and rainbows and such.

so i see this shower gel on the side table and think... hmm... lemon soufflé...sounds nice!

i read the blurb
it goes along the lines of,

give your girl some lemons and some sugar and she will make you the most delicious lemonade.
with this lemon soufflé shower gel your skin will be moisturised and infused with sumptious flavour of lemons and you will become irresistable and edible.

oo thinks i, it does sound nice!
then i realise i am in my PARENTS bedroom...

ewwwwwwwwwwww
i died a little inside that afternoon.
(quibble, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 16:33, Reply)

Once, while reading the QOTW responses
Brotagaia told me about all the things she used to do with her partner.

That was definitely too much information.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 13:44, Reply)