Over exposure?
Are you an ex-teen bubblegum pop star who's career is on the wane now you're a spotty 25 year old mother of two with no talent to speak of?

Why not generate some controversy by being photographed getting out of a limo with your skirt around your ears sans pants, thus shattering the illusions of your male fans?

Badly packed spotty kebab anyone?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 8 Dec 2006, 13:09, Reply)

Ladies!
Don't be afraid of that last cream cake. One man's fat arse is another man's ghetto booty.
( <somethingfunny> hasn't said anything funny since, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 12:31, Reply)

For really fluffy Omlettes...
Stir a couple of hamsters into the mix before adding to the fying pan.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Dec 2006, 12:24, Reply)

pyromaniac?
make your own inexpensive napalm by dissolving poylstyrene in petrol
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 11:39, Reply)

*Clue
"Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Dec 2006, 11:13, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

If you can smell it
so can others.
(chili_kitten Cheese, peas and honey bees, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 11:10, Reply)

Incest?
From my brother:
"Before you ever have sex, make sure you do 69!"
I reiterate, from my brother.
Considering I probably hadn't even hit puberty at this stage, I was a) confused & b) grossed out.
My brother said this to me. People often comment on his weirdness when it comes to my sex life.
(Shelob, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 22:49, Reply)

Dadvice
Top tip from my dad:

"Never go out with a man who smells nicer than you do" (only really applies to women who wash). I'm not sure how he arrived at this conclusion.

Willy!
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 21:13, Reply)

Tips for blaginging saxophone
learn G blues scale:
G, B flat,c, c sharp, d, f, f sharp, g

continue to go up and down said scale until punters drink themselves into a comma.

result? payment
works for me
(Orangeygoodness clicks cartoons hard, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 20:31, Reply)

Tips for my fellow Americans visiting England.
To tighten the bonds between our countries and break the ice, ask questions like:

Did it take long for you to learn to drive on the wrong side of the road?

Why don't you call them french fries like we do?

Why was Stonehenge built so close to the road?

These, and questions like them, will show your interest in the British way of life and increase your popularity from all you meet.

Also greet passersby with: "Hi Dude! I'm from America" Smiles & handshakes will follow.
(barrycounty, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 16:11, Reply)

I could copy and paste individual tips from here, then take the glory... as it is...
www.fortunecity.co.uk/meltingpot/jinx/399/jokes/Stupid/Viz_Top_Tips.html




(it show's I'm not all that fussed about you clicking "I like this" too - honourable me, you see)
(HairyBaldy, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 15:49, Reply)

dont taunt angry bees
under no circumstances should you ever taunt angry bees
(monkey_holding_peach, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 15:45, Reply)

Easy life
Guys, if you want an easy and hassle free life just agree to whatever your partner says. You will eventually so why bother arguing in the first place.
(hairymonkey, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 15:41, Reply)

Struggling to buy fags because you don't look old enough??
Take the tobaconist to the nearest bus stop, and when the bus arrives attempt to get on paying for a half fair ticket. While the bus driver and tobacconist ague over how old you are, go back to the shop and steal the desired cigarettes.
(HairyBaldy, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 13:40, Reply)

Guys: Want to lose your virginity?
Try having sex with a woman.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 13:23, Reply)

On sexual intercourse
1) Choose a position that maximises deep penetration and friction against the g-spot. Ladies - why not lie face down with a cushion under your pelvis for a hot friction stuffin'?

2) Ladies - while engaging in the missionary position, why not suck and gently nibble his nipples as a thank you for him doing all the work? He'll love it!

3) Gents - strip your partner naked and trace light-fingered patterns across their back, neck and buttocks. It increases sensitivity and gets the loins a-droolin'!

4) Ladies - buy your guy a soft paintbrush and encourage him to delicately 'paint' around your labii, vulva and inner thighs until the sensation has you gagging for a porkin'!

5) Go to the supermarket wearing a mini skirt and no panties, pausing now and then to bend over. It's even better if your boyfriend is there to watch.

6) Next time you're lying on the grass in the park, why not have sex in full view of everyone else. This is Britain - nobody is going to say anything!

7) If you're not into anal, why not just rub a lubed bell against your partner's bronze knot before ejaculating there in a spectacular porno moment of mess? It's dirteh!

8) Pop to the lavs at work and stroke one off while thinking about that secretary / boss you fancy. Who'll know?
(frankspencer, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:23, Reply)

In case you missed it last time I posted it....
Pearls of wisdom from my mates dad (about women):

"Remember son, rusty roof, smelly garage"

As true today as it ever was!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:21, Reply)

I got the perfect tip..
I knew a guy at school called Ben, he was a top bloke, always giving advice etc

I think his best was

"If the river's red, take the dirt track"

I haven't seen him since I left school 3 years ago, I do miss his wisdom sometimes :D
(Shifty Bloke, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:20, Reply)

Fire
The best way to put out a fire is to throw a gallon of high octane petrol on it*




* May not be entirely true
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 10:12, Reply)

Vodka
Top tip - Double Vodkas at 2am when you've got to be in at 8am is a very, very bad idea.

Second tip - Dialing that shite "Make your play" program at 3am is also a shitty idea. Especially from your company mobile.

No good will come of any of that.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 10:09, Reply)

Never eat an entire packet of extra strong mints at once....
...in the middle of a Physics lecture. The lecturer is bound to ask you something, and all you can do is dribble.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 10:08, Reply)

Tennis Balls
They smell really bad. Don't know why, they just do.

This may be a useful tip.

It may not be.

Alright, here you go. Tip: Don't smell tennis balls. If you do, you will become addicted, and every time you see that bright green sphere you will grab it and snuff in deep before your dog can say knack jife.

--

Also, why are people using this to vent their frustrations? It seems that we could use another thread called "Things That Really Get on your Tits and Jump Up And Down", because all this screaming about bad service and annoying relatives never seem to be Top Tips at all.
(Poogle, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 7:37, Reply)

Got a problem, if no one else can help...
And if you can find one. Maybe you should hire a jet-washer.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 6:38, Reply)

Never smell a Duck.
I smelled one once and now my wife and her friends will never let me forget.
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Thu 7 Dec 2006, 0:45, Reply)

Advice I should take
If your excuse for a love life closely resembles a fucking Radiohead song and you don't even want to get over her:
a) you should have asked her out earlier.
b) it might be time to break out the happy pills.
c) don't watch Love Actually which just happened to be on telly.

/eeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmmmoooooooooo
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 7 Dec 2006, 0:26, Reply)

You know it makes sense
A puppy is not just for Christmas. If you get a great dane, there'll be loads left for sandwiches on boxing day!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 23:53, Reply)

Football phone in
listeners to Radio 5, when unsure of what to say with regard to an unpopular manager, state they are "tactically naiive". This will make sure people know you are a football expert.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 22:00, Reply)

Confucious say...
...Man with his cock in fireplace is fucking great
(kitescreech still here, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 21:56, Reply)

KFC Near the Academy in Brum
Why not employ people who dont speak fuckin English, and also make sure half the menu is unavailable. This will result in much hilarity as customers end up ordering "whatever" after asking you to speak clearly FIVE FUCKING TIMES.
And then charge them for one extra meal.
LOL
(kitescreech still here, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 21:54, Reply)

Bluetooth earpieces
Don't.

You WILL look a twat
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 21:53, Reply)