BRA FUN!
Chaps, to avoid embarrassment, undo bras swiflty by always carrying a Stanley^TM knife with you.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 17:18, Reply)

Attempting some carpentry?
Run the nails through your hair before hammering them through the wood.

The oil in your hair will make the nails glide in.
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 16:16, Reply)

Fuckwits at Barking station!
Instead of trying to save three minutes by getting on a packed C2C train and holding it up because the doors won't shut, simply get on the District Line.

You're only going to get off at West-cunting-Ham anyway, you fucking idiots.
(misteroz, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 14:29, Reply)

Tourists!
Help pickpockets and con-men identify you easily by wearing an outsized rucksack and walking slowly holding an open guidebook in front of you.
(><(((">, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 12:13, Reply)

Don't give your dirty clothes to charity shops with the intent of buying them back once they're cleaned.
They will sell any dirty clothes to the rag-man and you won't see them again. We'd only bother to wash it if it was some designer garment we could sell for about £40. But how often do charity shops see those?
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 9:03, Reply)

Having problems paying for laundry bills?
Don't worry. Give all your dirty clothes to Oxfam. They will wash them, dry them and iron them. Then you can buy them all back for 50p.
( head-doctor ololololo, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 17:28, Reply)

hangovers
When you've been drinking something foolish like tequila and red wine cocktails (just to pick an example at random), take a couple of calcium carbonate tablets before bed with water. Hey presto! No sicky acidic hangover stomach.
(no way hose is staring unemployment in the face on, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 11:17, Reply)

Chocolate
Eaten too much Chocolate but still want more ? Drink a glass of water and voiola, room for more chocolate !
(kitescreech still here, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 9:57, Reply)

To prevent tears when peeling onions
Have a lighted candle nearby. It sounds totally stupid but it actually works!
(Mackeson_drinker, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 6:36, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Heartburn / Indigestion
A better solution is to get a small glass of water and stir in half a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda.
Drink it down quickly - it tastes nasty - and wait for thirty seconds.

After an almighty burp, the indigestion is gone.
And it's much cheaper than Gaviscon.

If you suffer from indigestion regularly, it might be worth cutting yeast out your diet for a while.
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 17:03, Reply)

For when you really don't want to be high any more...
When you have been shovelling coke up your nose all weekend and now you can't sleep on Sunday night because your chinged off your face and still jabbering shite AND you have to get up at 6am for work (!) FEAR NOT - there is something you can do... Take a regular antihistamine like zirtec or similar. This will counter the effects of the yayo and you will drop like a sack of shit in to a (very very) deep and blissful sleep... Thus avoiding feeling like utter shit on Monday!!!
(aroe_m0rre, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 15:22, Reply)

Do you drive a black, 52 reg Vauxhall Corsa?
Why don't you drive at 40mph in the overtaking lane of the A10 oblivious to the fact that there is a queue of cars waiting for you to move over while you're engrossed in riveting coversation with your passenger.

Then you can cause much merriment by slamming on your brakes and swerving across two lanes when you realise you're about to miss your turnoff at Broxbourne.

Better yet, you might be utterly baffled as to why the bloke behind you in the red Alfa Romeo was shouting "You fucking stupid idiot!" at you.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 13 Jun 2007, 11:24, Reply)

Commuters!
Avoid getting shoulder-charged back onto the platform by simply letting passengers get off the train first.
(><(((">, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 22:04, Reply)

To freak out simpletons
A great way to freak out morons and idiots of all shapes and sizes, edit the subliminal messages page of Wikipedia to include subliminal messages.

I got banned for it but it was worth it.
(Jizzbiscuits-Murphy wroted this on, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 21:26, Reply)

When having marmite on toast
Put the marmite on before the butter. That way the butter won't soak into the bread and will be able to sit on top of the Marmite whilst retaining its form as God intended, allowing it to properly compliment the Marmite taste.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 16:32, Reply)

Hiccups/Hiccoughs
To cure Hiccups instantly, get someone to ask you

"Can you hiccup for me again, please?"


Testing thus far has yielded 100% success.
(Carravanquelo, Mon 11 Jun 2007, 13:24, Reply)

Work experience... Don't be the dogsbody!
A little tip for those one week tea making placements at local offices.

On your first day, once you've had the induction or whatever they do to the poor kids these days, offer to make everyone in your office a cuppa.

The key to this is to write down specifically what each person has, and then deliberately give them the wrong tea or coffee.

Okay, they'll slate you behind your back, but they won't ask you to get the teas in again will they?

Fatty knows! ;-)
(Fatty Thornton, Sat 9 Jun 2007, 15:07, Reply)

More ways of dealing with cold callers...
1. Pretend to be deaf. Say hello as loudly down the phone as possible, then interrupt every 5 seconds saying pardon.

2. State that the person they require is in prison for some nice violent crime. They soon stop calling then.
(Prawn, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 9:24, Reply)

When cleaning your toilet...
...if you use a handful of toilet paper to clean off the top, and then toss it into the bowl, make sure you flush before swishing the toilet brush around in the water to clean the bowl. Trust me on this one...
(RDT <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 8:52, Reply)

Tact
Want to get home early?

Greet others with stunningly inappropriate racist comments. While on national TV.





PS (Please note this is sarcasm...not a genuine tip...)

PPS Someone make sure Emily gets the memo.
(HNGTHDJ, Thu 7 Jun 2007, 23:54, Reply)

Music
Peple who dont watch Big Brother, may be unaware of this. Be warned, there is a NEW TYPE OF MUSIC out called...










...INDIE !
(kitescreech still here, Thu 7 Jun 2007, 22:19, Reply)

Toothbrush too stiff?
Simply run it under a hot tap and it will soon soften up.



There.... no pun or humourism, just a genuine tip! I still feel dirty though!

(and I like it that way)
(Hunkychunkylovemonkey hasn't masturbated since, Wed 6 Jun 2007, 18:02, Reply)

Old lady currently in front of me in the queue on the bus
To ensure that you make the lad behind you late for work, do not have you purse out and ready to pay the driver. Instead, wait until the driver asks for payment and spend as long as you want foraging in your handbag for it. This is then the time to empty the entire purse and count one by one every coin you require to pay the fare (for maximum effect, use coins of no higher value that 10p!). To finish, forget to take your ticket once you've paid and come back for it, interrupting the young lad behind you i the queue as he tries hurriedly to get a ticket and get to work as soon as possible.

Better safe than sorry! On the way off the bus, notice an old friend of yours you haven't seen for a while who was sitting just a few seats in front of you and quiz her on how her garden is, what her grandson has been up to and whether she's been to that new garden centre just off the A45 because it's dead flashy. This should stall the lad behind you for that crucial few seconds while his boss's blood pressure escalates.
(HNGTHDJ, Wed 6 Jun 2007, 1:10, Reply)

If you suffer from heartburn in bed
Sleep on your left hand side. Your stomach acid cannot "overflow" as easily as the food pipe faces upwards in this position.
(newname123 tried to impress you, Tue 5 Jun 2007, 19:03, Reply)

How to avoid hangovers:
Water. Lots of. As a rough rule, get a pint of iced water every second pint from the start, then drink some more when you stumble home. You'll piss quite a bit, but you'll wake up feeling a bit of alright. Then have some Irn Bru and go to work/uni.
(SurferRosa causing the lamentation of the womenfolk since, Mon 4 Jun 2007, 23:33, Reply)

If ever
you decide to whack one off in the sink rather than a wank sock/ tissue/ woman/ blow up doll/ animal ALWAYS make sure you get rid of the evidence.

having to explain to your dad why theres man juice on the tap and in the soap dish ISN'T fun.
(big daves pseudonym, Mon 4 Jun 2007, 18:57, Reply)

Smother your cock in jam
and stick it in a bee hive or wasps nest* for a slight tingling sensation which will guarantee hours of pleasure**

*Optional, for for more of an impact use a wasps nest as they are more rough than bumblebees.

**Masochistical
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Sun 3 Jun 2007, 1:30, Reply)

Use Cillit bang....
....it's a shit cleaner, but i heard if you complain to the head office they'll send shouty Barry Scott round and he'll shout at the dirt till it leaves in protest.


Or so i've heard.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 1 Jun 2007, 10:44, Reply)

Avoid hell.
Ban yourself from b3ta.com.
(MunchMyBalloons, Fri 1 Jun 2007, 10:01, Reply)

If you come down this alleyway and lick my balls
i'll give you a fiver
(Snailfighter Mk VIII MASTER of the bits underneath the ledges on fences, Thu 31 May 2007, 14:47, Reply)