Guaranteed cure for hiccups (2) if out having a drink
Take large mouthful of beer/ cider/ fizzy drink (flat won't work). Put fingers in ears, very very very slowly drink booze in mouth (avoid drowning! not too slowly).

Itjustworksok.
(bearlube, Tue 8 Jan 2008, 18:18, Reply)

Guaranteed cure for hiccups
Take up about 5ml of pure lemon juice into one of these syringe things you can get pretty cheap from chemists (or even cheaper, steal from the NHS if you're a nurse like Mrs Tupper). Have sufferer open wide telling him/her you're going to trickle PLJ down his/her throat. Completely out of the blue skoot it with extreme gusto into the back of the trachea. Hey presto, hiccups gone. Guaranteed.
( Ramsay Tupper, Mon 7 Jan 2008, 13:52, Reply)

This.....
Watch the interview on the web page

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bristol/7171154.stm

If you're this person, I'd strongly suggest that you never get behind the wheel of a car again. And while you're at it, you can buy your ink cartridges online.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 4 Jan 2008, 15:15, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Watch out
If you are on the M4 doing less than 100 mph in either the middle lane or ouside one, and a big black Merc with big blacked out windows comes up behind get out the way. You're likely to get the wrong end of an insurance claim. Possibly a hospital appointment too.

I know I have!
(ElGatodeBarco, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 20:19, Reply)

Run your own business?
Well,
dont fuck about here all the time and you will make more money.
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 2:34, Reply)

Cooking Crabs.
Make sure they are in a very large pot with alot of water. Add at least big handfull of sea salt. Bring to boil then place crabs in boiling water. Wait until water is boiling again then wait exactly 8 minutes before removing crabs.
Clean straight away in the sink with cold running water (do not expose to cold water for any longer than necessary).
You will have perfectly cooked crabs every time!
(Well, blue swimmer crabs anyway)
Allow 10 minutes for a big mud or mangrove crab.
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 2:22, Reply)

Don't want to give yourself a golden shower?
(Mercifully learned through observation rather than experience)

If you find yourself drinking heavily on a bus* on the motorway, and feel the need to relieve yourself into a cup, do not then empty the contents out of the window. The force of the wind coming in far outweighs the force due to gravity.

*Bus was privately hired, we weren't not cool enough to binge drink on public busses
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Tue 1 Jan 2008, 21:24, Reply)

Cooking turkey?
Avoid ending up with a dry bird by cooking it for half the time you normally would.
(Youlotfeckingsuck, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 14:00, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

How to cook the perfect rice
1/2 cup of rice per (average) person.
1 cup of boiling water (per half cup of rice).
Pinch of salt.


Use a small pan, pour boiling water over rice and bring to the boil. Once boiling, reduce to a simmer and put the lid on the pan. Simmer until water has ALL evaporated (around 11 -12 mins) leaving the lid on all the time. This effectively 'steams' the rice and will guarantee light, fluffy, not too wet, not too dry, not too hard, not too soft, perfectly cooked rice. - For extra yummyness add stock/Knorr Pilau sachet to boiling water before adding to the rice. Flavoured rice is the skinto's meal of choice...
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 28 Dec 2007, 11:01, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

eat
toast butter side down...
tastes better :)
(iamdean!x, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 3:01, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Self Pleasure
Make sure to always clean up after a good round of self-pleasuring. I know I sure do and no ones the wiser as to when I choose to do it.

If you don't feel like cleaning up, here are a few tips for you:
1 - Do it where everything will be contained nicely in a pair of cotton underwear, that way you will have easy laundry.
2 - Do it on a carpeted floor, this is so that when it does squirt, you'll have something that no one will notice if it looks a little dirty.
3 - Do it behind closed doors, that way no one will be able to see you.

(All of these tips may or may not be self taught)
(travishayes89 is tired of people starting fights at school., Tue 25 Dec 2007, 5:38, Reply)

If
you have lost your inhaler and have a massively reduced lung capacity due to a recent bout of seasonal illness, you may be looking for an emergency replacement.

If you have a relaodable inhaler like a diskhaler and still have the medication, a way of getting it into your lungs is breaking open the blisters and sucking it up through a straw...this does get bloody annoying though!
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 23 Dec 2007, 0:21, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Netto
Oi, Netto aint too bad. It does "Brandname" products at low prices too (Nescafe, Heinz soups etc) and their own stuff is pretty cool.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 15:59, Reply)

Try shoplifting
from large unethical supermarkets like ASDA or TESCO it is morally defensible and you get stuff for free, unless you suck then the only thing you get for free is the back seat of the pomobile.
(obesevegan wont pay for b3ta credit crunch etc excuse, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 10:06, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Eating nothing but rabbit will kill you,
but not before you lose all your friends for being a smelly freak with an extremely boring diet.
( frunt It's been a while..., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 18:50, Reply)

Hash smokers
Instead of burning your products, invest in a penknife with a saw blade. It will nicely powder your hash, and doesn't risk losing any THC to flames.

Also, anyone who smokes herbal and owns a grinder, invest in a craft knife and a paintbrush and use them in combination to get the most out of your weed - with an eigth of good green you should easily have at least a joint's of scrapings. Or, if you're breaking the bank, a proper Space Case or Grassleaf grinder(don't get one of the cheaper imitations, they're invariably crap with super naff screens). Watch as your trichromes are magically collected in the bottom - over a couple of months (assuming you smoke as much as me - about 2oz/pm) you'll get well over an ounce of them in the bottom section.

Might be common sense to some.
(hypnoticme is an anarcho-syndicalist commune, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 16:54, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Actual genuine tip that's not particularly funny but you might find useful:
Lidl gets a really bad press as a cheap n nasty food supermarket spoken of in a similar vein to Iceland or Netto, but 'cos it gets most it's food from European sources where food directives about quality and standards are much much stricter than here, it may well be cheap, but large quantities of it are equivalent to that over priced shite we get sold for massive mark ups in M&S 'cos it's described as 'organic', ie, it is not fucked about with in a factory process to make it go further.

Example: Bacon, cheap supermarket bacon in this country is complete and utter shite, read the label, how the fuck can bacon, supposedly actual pieces of a pig, be 85% meat!? WTF is the other 15%!? Lidl's basic bacon ingredients: Dry cured pork, salt.

In the frozen section you will also find the best American steaks available in this country for only £3 for 2, ingredients: hung beef steak.

Don't diss Lidl unless you have ever tried it, they may well give Iceland style prices and have products you need to speak a second language to comprehend what it is inside, but unlike said Iceland, said products actually contain food!

Hell, they even have mince that isn't transparent pink and doesn't melt when heated, and pizza that actually uses tomato paste, doesn't have the word 'flavour' after it's description of topping, and has actual cheese!

Who would have thunk it!?

If like me you shop on a tight budget, but can't live on over processed shite nor always get to the local market, give it a go.

Do not, however, ever work for them. Ever. And I'd avoid the fresh veg, the staff aren't payed enough to look after it properly so 'fresh' is often a bit euphemistic...
( ..wil, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 14:15, 10 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Christmas lunch's
During the Christmas period you will happily pay £45 for the following in a city bar

1. Turkey so try it makes a nuns cuntflaps look moist
2. Microwaved potatoes - because it’s obviously very hard to peel, boil then roast them yourself – lazy bastards
3. Vegetables that were ready to eat during the great war - but - have been left boiling in the pot since then - just in case
4. "Now that’s what I call westlife's most crap xmas covers....ever....panpipe edition" creating the white noise
5. Half a bottle of wine which manages to combine vinegar with the sweat from and Ethiopian marathon runner’s trainer
6. A plastic comb and a paper hat neatly folded (by a 3rd world sweatshop child) into a cheap Christmas Cracker

Any other time of the year this would seem as an obscene mark up for crap food – but hey – its Christmas
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Tue 18 Dec 2007, 12:31, Reply)

always
check the relationship status/sexual orientation of the girl you're about to lunge drunkenly for.
otherwise, you may get propositioned (or beaten senseless) by an angry boyfriend, or girlfriend.
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Tue 18 Dec 2007, 6:23, Reply)

Calm the fuck down
Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean you need to drive like a psycho-twunt on PCP and endanger yourself and others, especially in built up areas with a 40 km/h speed limit.

Edit: Pop!
(EffinNitWit asks his tobacco where his whisky is, Mon 17 Dec 2007, 7:42, Reply)

If someone is tailgating you
then simply get out of the fucking way and let the rest of the world get on with going where they need to be, you worthless, incompetant twunt.
Also try handing your licence back to the relevant authority, and tell them that you have inadequate skills to operate a motor vehicle, and really shouldn't have a licence.
Then walk/hitchhike/catch a bus/train/cab.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 22:12, Reply)

avin a dump
when you feel the need to take a shit when you're in somebody elses house........always check if there is enough loo roll.

ALWAYS!


This may or may not have been derived from past experiences
(apo-dap, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 21:55, Reply)

Q.I. Researchers...

You've been rumbled.

We don't mind you using our material, but give us some of the credit please.

Personally, I love your programme but you've used waaaaay too many B3ta references now for it to be 'just a coincidence'.

Give us a mention and we'll say no more about it.

You have been warned (in a friendly way).
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 13 Dec 2007, 13:56, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Lucozade
is not appropriate for replacing the lost fluids during diarrhea.
(Kierz, Mon 10 Dec 2007, 18:51, Reply)

Posting Christmas cards?
- Put enough stamps of the right kind on it. A 2nd class stamp is not enough to get a card to Australia.
- Seal the envelope, or it is likely to come open before you want it to at some point along the line.
- Cards that are too small, too big, or lumpy, won't go through the machines and have to be sorted manually. Normal-sized ones would save a little bit of time.
- Oh, and Merry fucking Christmas to the kid who wrote 'Dear Mr Postman, you smell and you are a gay turd' on the front of the envelope.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 9 Dec 2007, 1:02, Reply)

Do you use a postage meter at your place of business?
1st class post goes in the red pouches. 2nd class post goes in the green pouches.

/sorting the christmas post blog
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 9 Dec 2007, 0:53, Reply)

Drivers of Nissan Micras and the like
Complete the illusion you have started to create. Simply attach a sparkler to a broomstick and poke it vertically out of the sunroof while you drive about.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sat 8 Dec 2007, 2:27, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

old wives cold remedy
Garlic and chilli are said to be good antiviral ingredients, and a bloody fucking hotter than hell curry or chilli-con-carne will act as enough of a general irritant to clear your sinuses for hours. As if you needed an excuse for eating that dirty stuff, you little beggar.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sat 8 Dec 2007, 2:25, Reply)