Don't post so many puns on the qotw.

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 11 Sep 2008, 21:56, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Garlic Breath
This might be as old as the hills but I didn't know it till recently, I not much of a cook really.
If you don't want the garlic to taste and smell strong add it at the beginning of your ingredient adding process or add it at the end for it to be stronger.
( XLVII .uk, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 19:59, Reply)

Interested in anal fisting but have a low pain threshold?
Find a willing partner who has Poland syndrome ..... Just make sure they use the little hand.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 18:43, Reply)

To keep from crying when you cut onions...
Chop with your eyes closed. Works every time.
(celestie d'etoile, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 1:46, Reply)

Management consultants or people with degrees in "management" or "business studies".
Stick a big pineapple into your rectum rather violently. This should give you some idea of how people feel about you and what you're doing to the company. For added effect, stick a hungry leech to your neck.

Please also consider going back to university and studying a proper subject.

N.B: If none of the above helps you, then, at least, it'll provide the rest of the working public a damn good laugh at your expense.
(The Stig, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 12:46, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Phone Samaritans to have a wank
... because 0845 numbers are cheaper than 0898 numbers and there's a pretty good chance you'll get through to a polite young lady.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 13:28, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just invented your own super-cocktail?
If you like it, for goodness sakes, write down the recipe before you drink any more. Otherwise, you'll be so drunk you'll forget it.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 17:13, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Buy...
Original source Lime shower gel

nothing funny...

its just the best shower gel out there and deserves a mention

and

it smells like starbursts which is good
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 18:33, 11 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

TV Tips
If you miss a programme on Channel 4, don't panic; You can catch it one hour later on Channel 4+1 (Sky channel 135).

If you miss a programme on Dave, don't panic; You can catch it one hour later on Dave+1 (Sky channel 158).

If you miss a programme on ITV1, don't panic; It was probably shit anyway.
(costas, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 22:15, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Minty freshness
When about to receive a blow-job, check that the fellater hasn't just swilled their mouth out with mouthwash.

Particularly the cheaper shop's own-brand variety which tend be much stronger and make the inside of your cheeks burn.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 17:30, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Choose a good password
Bad form to post unfunny actual tips, I know, but what the hell...

-----------------------------------------------

My top tip for setting a difficult-to-crack, easy-to-remember password =

1) Take your favourite nursery rhyme, song lyric, poem stanza etc

2) Turn it into an acronym using these rules:

-Use the first letter of each word for each letter of the password, i.e. Jack becomes a 'j'
-substitute the word 'and' for an ampersand '&'
-subsitute the word 'a' or 'at' with an '@' symbol
-substitute words that sound like numbers for the number itself, i.e. to--2, free--3, for--4 etc
-Capitalise the first letter

Now you have a password that almost certainly meets your company's password policy. Here's one I made earlier:

J&jwuth2f@pow

Which is of course "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water"

Reminders can then be left on your desk, in your notebook or wherever in a form that you find easy to remember, i.e. "password is Jack and Jill"
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 15:59, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sex tips
Learn how to burp by breaking your guttural hymen with an aggressive German forcing you to deep throat. Worked for me.

Breath in when you deep throat. (Growing gills helps).

Never go overdrawn with HBOS. They are greedy c*nts and will charge you £35 a throw.

Douche before anal sex. Take off the shower head and stick it right up there... but make sure the water isn't too hot or all your guts will be fused together and you'll end up shitting out of your ears or something.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 15:50, Reply)

Don't bother going to an IMAX for that 3D experience.
Simply put on those red and blue (or is it green?) glasses and throw popcorn in your face whilst watching normal TV.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 15:33, Reply)

Has a child poked in your soft dome tweeter on your loudspeaker?
Gently use a small piece of sellotape to nudge it back out again.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 15:29, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Trying to quit smoking without killing those close to you?
Drink loads of strong coffee.
I mean so much that you get the shakes.
And you have to piss every five minutes.

That way, you'll get the satisfying chemical hit of caffeine replacing the nicotine deficit.
Also, as a bonus, the feeling of holding something in your hands will be complete.
It'll just be your penis, instead of a cigarette.
( Cawl, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 11:16, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When ever you are in the presence of someone who says
"There's nothing worse than......"

Shout loudly "What about a paper cut on your bellend/clit"

Usually shuts them up.
( Peej, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 9:48, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Another time travel tip
Avoid killing people back in time. I was in the Fuhrer bunker and accidentally poisoned Hitler. When I came back to present day Hull, there were loads of people speaking Polish.

Thank you, thank you, I'm here until tomorrow, QOTW pending.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 0:24, Reply)

Save money on food
Buy 2-part epoxy and put one part in your food and the other in any sauce or relish you may have with your meal.

After a few mouthfuls, you'll not want to eat anymore as your teeth will be welded together.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 0:19, Reply)

Mosquitos, wasps etc
Hate wasps and mosquitos, and so on when you go fishing?
Smear yourself in honey and jam, that way you'll meet more of the winged beasts and therefore get to know them better.

Not like I have a problem, the mosquitos here in Hull have high colesterol.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 0:17, Reply)

Save money on your food bill
Don't watch TV whilst eating your tea. If you do, there is a risk that you'll see the advertisement for the 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' compilation. The sight of Eric Clapton and Gary Moore pulling their best mid-solo cum-faces will mean you have to cook a second meal to replace the one you've sicked up.
(costas, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 22:44, Reply)

Chelsea Fans!
Looks like Man City are going to be the next 'big' team, so get your replica shirts now, that way you won't look like Johnny Come Latelies.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 18:59, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

If you are ever involved in a plane crash ...
... make a mental note to fly with a different airline next time.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Tue 2 Sep 2008, 17:31, Reply)

Priapism
Suffer from embarassing priapism? Then simply slit along that big vein with a razor blade and let the blood drain properly.

Warning, may cause impotence and death.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 17:04, Reply)

Time Travel Tip
Avoid time travel in England. The other day I was stuck in 1956 for two hours because there were "leaves in the vortex".
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 14:07, Reply)

Mosquito bites?
I might be known as a bit of a 'Mears' type hedge monkey, but this is a great tip.

Get one of those electronic ignition piezo cigarette lighters and remove the ignition device.
Instead of scratching the bites, click the ignition spark onto it.
You'll get relief from the bite without scratching it and opening it up for infection.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 1 Sep 2008, 9:53, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tip for fishermen/women
Out fishing but don't want to stink up the bait with whatever smell is on yoru hands? Carry a clove of garlic with you - rub it on your hands every couple of hours, it will mask the scent of (whatever - nicotine, ham sandwiches etc) and of course, fish love garlic!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 31 Aug 2008, 22:07, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

A real tip.
Fishermen, ramblers and general outdoorsy types - getting bitten by a lot of bugs (mozzies, gnats, etc?).

Douse yourself in Avon's Skin So Soft oil - works wonders.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 31 Aug 2008, 22:06, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you're having a crap and realise you've run out of toilet paper
Apre crap simply kneel in front of the family dog which will promptly lick your ringpiece tongue ticklingly clean. This works.

The Andrex slogan was supposed to be 'Andrex. Soft on your bum like a puppy dog's tongue' but they changed it for some reason.

It's true.
(Mortal Wombat - he's just an excitable boy, Sat 30 Aug 2008, 20:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

TV Executives
Justify your exorbitant salaries by flooding TV with endless reality game shows and talent shows.

When this starts to wane, announce you will be remaking a classic sitcom under the guise of "bringing it to a new audience", totally ignoring the fact that the original TV show can just be re-broadcast and said "new audience" can enjoy the classic comedy as it was broadcast.
(The Stig, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 19:23, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Want to be popular on b3ta?
Pretend to be a girl.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 8:56, Reply)