in the bathroom
keep a gameboy handy for leisurely shits.
(Brandy Bolland, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 14:29, Reply)

Just been bollocked for trolling on teh internet?
Then why don't you take every opportunity to flounce around showing people how enraged you are instead.

What have you got to lose, it's not like anyone's going to think you're a pointless twat?
(GloriaHull you puerile slack-jawed drooling meatslapper, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 23:10, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Work in a school finance department?
It does not take three weeks to pass an already-overdue invoice to the wrong department, causing the supplier to refuse to ship another order.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 3 Dec 2008, 21:09, Reply)

Gentleman...
...according to mort goldman tieing a knot on the end of your penis will stop you from urinating yourself
(Lord Chode, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 19:00, Reply)

Vinegar instead of fabric conditioner
Use a similar amount of white vinegar in place of the fabric nonky and your stuff comes out all lovely and soft and not like thin cardboard the way that shitty fabric conditioner does. A few drops of essential oil will banish any vinegar smell...but the stuff doesn't smell of anything anyway.

This really does work...
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 17:23, Reply)

If you have a problem with someone on the internet
be sure to put all your energy into slagging them off each time they post, using creative insults and hounding them until you spoil their day and make something of a tit of yourself.

It's quite entertaining.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:30, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Use moisturiser on your cock
Feels great. Enhances sensation. Reduces friction burns.
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 20:30, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

space
Making a gloryhole in the outer hull of the International Space Station is not wise. Regrdless of how hard the suction would be.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 17:56, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Make tea
Not love. Tea bags are cheaper than condoms.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 16:34, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Cold hands
If you hands are cold warm them up on your penis. If you don't have a penis of your own warm them up on somebody else's.
( Captain V, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 12:46, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

make love
not war - condoms cost less than guns
(Lord Chode, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 19:27, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How to win a custody battle over your kids
Its really easy for anyone to win custody of their kids. Easier than you think. Any poor miserable loser can do it.

Before you go to the custody battle, go into the immigration department, find some foreigner who is about to get deported, and marry her/him. The foreign person will marry you in a flash to stay in the country.

Take your new wife/husband to the custody battle with you. Chances are your ex is still single. The judge will grant you custody because your ex is still alone and will have to raise your kids alone. Because your married, you get custody because you have a partner to help you raise the kids.
(NERDYLURKER is attempting to divide by zero, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 19:25, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Saying that you can't whistle is a sure fire way to make women feel sorry for you.
You fucking lame twat.
( Nathanial Hornblower, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 15:01, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Overheard
"Don't stand up too quickly when all of your blood's just gone to one place"
( Peapod Has returned to the fold on, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 20:06, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My Wife
Whilst driving try looking to the right as you apporach a roundabout and then smoothly drive onwards - rather than keep looking straight ahead, stop at the roundabout, notice no fuckers about and then start moving again. This will stop me grinding my teeth in frustration and so save on dentistry bills.
(bagend, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 11:37, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Work tip
If you are doing fuck all at work, but surf the internet make sure you print off a page of something resembling work every now and again. Leave this on the printer so when a colleague prints something they'll see your stuff and ask who's it is and you can claim it and pretend you were so busy you forgot to collect it.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 11:29, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Torrents
If you upload a movie torrent dubbed into Polish, fucking indicate this in the title or NFO.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 9:45, Reply)

Teenagers!
give yourself an even more spine-tingling orgasm by shouting for your mother just before you reach the vinegar strokes and finishing before she catches you fwaping away like a monkey at a packed zoo!
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 17:03, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Nativity play costume tip
With the silly season all but upon us it'll soon be time for your kids nativity plays. If they are playing a part that requires a beard why not make them something extra special this year. Trim all your pubes off and stick them to their face. It looks fantastic.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 15:00, Reply)

Stimulate Consumer Spending
by announcing tax cuts that will cause the public to hold off using their hard earned cash for another week or two, while businesses wonder whether to reduce prices in line with the tax cut.

Come to think of it, wasn't procrastination last week's question of the week?
( Conman the Barbarian, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 12:31, Reply)

Convince millions
of people that you are doing them a favour by temporarily dropping VAT by 2.5% but raising fags, booze and vroom juice by the same amount.

A few months later raise the VAT back up to 17.5% BUT leave the extra on fags, booze and juice!

Voila! A sneaky rise on the things people buy a lot of, whilst at the same time claiming to be helping people!

(of course, with haulage firms being only able to claim back 15% of their vroom juice, you've effectively made their journeys 2.5% more expensive too, so shops will charge more and you claim the extra in sales taxes, nice! Plus taxi firms will increase prices, and thus killing off even more of the dwindling pub trade and keeping more proles at home watching BBC propaganda - double whammy!)
(dchurch bah, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 18:20, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Siegfried's First Law
90% of everything is crap
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Tue 25 Nov 2008, 13:13, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Dave's law of IT
Don't attribute to an infrastructure problem, anything that can be attributed to the user being a muppet.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 24 Nov 2008, 21:33, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Can't be arsed to shave?
Carve your stubble into a goatee and it looks like you're actually trying to grow a goatee instead of being a lazy bum.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 21:13, Reply)

Don't read A. A. Milne's House at Pooh Corner
It causes nausea and fwowing up.

-Dotty the Tonstant Weader
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 15:01, Reply)

Snow
Whilst driving down a back-street, put the shits up an oncoming taxi-driver by doing a 360 handbrake-turn in your old Laguna
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 13:01, Reply)

Makers of "Watchdog"
Why not put in a feature on "smelly" £50 trainers on your programme, peppered with hilarious "foot" jokes. That will really add some gravitas to the programme.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 20:49, Reply)

Don't google
"crossdressphyxia"
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 18:41, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sweeties
Don't leave your 'Chewy Foamy Mushrooms' on the windowsill next to the radiator as they melt into one large disfigured delicious cherry-flavoured mass.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 13:58, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)