Sex Rodeo
fuck the one where you say some other birds name and try stay on - it never works. Rather take her from behind, insert directly into sphincter with no warning. A guaranteed winner every time!

PS - best performed with earplugs in (you , not her) and remember to remove all sharp object from within arms length of the bed.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 23 Mar 2009, 14:49, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Aeroplane evacuees:
Do not inflate your lifejacket until you have exited the aircraft, so as not to impede your exit.
(cybersquatter_, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 18:26, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Vegetable water on your plants
re this week's newsletter Top Tip:"If you boil vegetables, let the water cool and
use it to water plants."
If you value your sanity, and don't want your house to smell like rotting broccoli, DO NOT DO THIS! Seriously, veg water and soil in an enclosed space is hideous. Use the cold tea from the teapot instead, plants love it.
(13thfloor, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 20:51, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lost
Next time you loose a single shoe or one glove then check by the side of any road; they just seem to collect there.
(drivin Ivan, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 15:35, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Plastic
Next time you buy a new matress or big appliance keep the plastic. It makes cleaning the mess up a lot easier if you think ahead.
(drivin Ivan, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 15:31, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Gentlemen
Strange man with intense look in his eyes causing you bother at the urinal? Is he? Yes.. HE IS Looking at your penis and urine flow!

Grab his balls tightly and headbutt him on the bridge of the nose. Then push him in the urinals for perving on your piss.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 16:47, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Gentlemen:
If either you or your ladyfriend stop ejaculation by pressing on your perineum or blocking the main vein then the urethral sphincter becomes the weak point and you ejaculate into your own bladder. I'll leave it up to you to decide whether that's desirable or not but we've all seen spunk go stringy in the shower.
(Edktstsss, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 8:48, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Ladies: Don't like swallowing/cleaning up your gentleman's jizz?
Press fairly hard on his perineum* just before the point of climax and he will be delighted to receive a much more intense orgasm (via external prostate stimulation). You will enjoy little or no ejaculation. It's a win-win situation.

Fuck knows where the splooge goes, but it stays inside him somewhere. Tantra for the win.

*the skin between his asshole and his balls
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 3:47, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Male? Shy bladder at public urinals?
1) Boldly whip out your quim-tickler at a crowded urinal

2) Concentrate entirely on the sound (and if you dare, the sight) of the piss of the person standing next to you

3) Gush piss out like a racehorse.

I used to have a very shy bladder but this method works flawlessly for me*. Your urinalage may vary.

*Except when I also need a poo, then I can't unlock the front door without the back one swinging wide open too
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 3:43, Reply)

Red Nose Day.
Next year when Comic Relief is on, record it instead of watching it live.

Three benefits that I can see:

1. As it is a recording you will not feel the need to call in and donate.
2. You can fast forward/delete all the begging and depressing footage of starving kids, malaria stricken mothers and such like.
3. You can fast forward/delete all the desperately unfunny shite that is fobbed off as comedy.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 13:04, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

TV
My wife loves Desperate Housewives. I hate the show with a passion. However, I've found that being fellated by my missus takes the edge off having to sit through three consecutive episodes that she's been stockpiling on Sky+.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 0:45, Reply)

Scared of needles?
Simply ask to be knocked out via intravenous injection, then have them stick you while you're unconscious. (Gas masks aren't as effective.)

Alternatively die a slow and painful death through lack of diagnosis/proper medical treatment.
(AnonyQ, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 13:27, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't know how to do HTML links? Or are you too lazy to do them yourself?
If you're using a Mozilla-based web-browser (eg. FireFox), here's a handy extension that will enable you to automatically linkify a piece of text.

Just copy the URL to link to from the location-bar of the web-browser, select the piece of text in the edit-box you want to link to, and right-click on it. From the 'htmlXtra' menu, go to the 'clipboard' submenu, and from there, choose 'Make selection URL'. Your selected text now becomes linkified with the contents of the clipboard. This also works on forums that use bbcode - just use the bbcodeXtra submenu instead. As well as links, it does the usual things such as Bold and Italic as well. Also, it can even turn the URL stored in the clip-board into an inline-image.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 22:29, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Psychics on TV...
... make sure you keep up the guise of really being a psychic when asked by the producers off-camera. There's a slight chance they'll be gullible enough to believe you and end the program on a "who really knows?" rather than "psychics are total bullshit" note.
(AnonyQ, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 21:12, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

TV Tip
Filming a series in which you investigate paranormal activities in supposedly haunted buildings? Ensure a thorough, even-handed production by assembling a film crew of calm, rational people who don't shit their pants screaming like fucking twats at the slightest creak of a floorboard.

N.B. Most TV shows have usually figured this sort of thing out by the time they've reached their eleventh series.
(costas, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 23:02, Reply)

If you have a filling
don't chew on tin foil.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 19:12, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Social troubles?
People got you down? Need to make friends? Do lots of drugs. That'll show 'em.
(doublementh, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:16, Reply)

Teenagers stealing -
- your whiskey?

Simply replace your bottle of bells with first morning piss.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:30, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Female b3tans
Do you feel excluded by the current QOTW? Bear in mind the question is about a penis, not your penis. So you have the following options:
• Write about something you did with someone else's penis, or something that someone else did with a penis.
• Write about something you did with a * ahem * 'fake penis'.
• Pretend your clitoris is really a tiny cock.

Or failing that, just post a pun, spoonerism or just hop onto whatever bandwagon is going at the time.
Or just make something up.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 20:38, Reply)

Sexy female coffee shop staff getting replaced by guys?
Write a letter to the manager accusing the chap of sexual harassment.

When he inevitably gets fired, enjoy staring at the female replacement's tits while making lots of cheeky innuendo with her as she* makes your drink.

*If replacement is male, rinse, repeat.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 7:24, Reply)

Track suit wearers;
Preserve the good name of your chosen group of friends by instantly beating up anyone who calls your honour into question.

Ensure victory by outnumbering your intended target by at least three to one.

In this manner, your honour will be maintained, and you may continue to exist safe in the knowledge no-one thinks you and your friends are cunts.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 23:53, Reply)

Missed your early morning shower?
About to spend some time in a small room with a lot of other people?

Avoid scratching that irritating itch in your bum-crack by sticking your finger down there directly, and instead do it through your clothes. This will eliminate the horrible smell of bum emanating from your fingers into other people's nostrils.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 23:49, Reply)

Contact Lens Wearers!
Sick of crawling on the floor looking for that lost contact lens? Avoid humiliation by wearing a pair of swimming goggles at all times to catch any escapees.
(Eenis, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 16:57, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Want to give up smoking?.
Simply have a Pneumothorax.

Worked for me. (well actually i had several, but hey ho)
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 10:05, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Celebs:
Behave as fucktardedly as possible in public. Because, even if you're a desperate Z-lister whose career has long since gone down the crapper - no, ESPECIALLY if you're a desperate Z-lister whose career has long since gone down the crapper - anyone who calls you on your shit is obviously just jealous of your success.
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 23:47, Reply)

top tip
tip top top tip tippety toppety top.
(mmmkay, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 17:03, Reply)

Girls: BJ Tip
No teeth. Ever. Not even a little bit.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 13:52, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

be the envy of your nieghbours...
Sellotape cornflakes to your car tyers. Any neighbour overhearing you leaving for work in the morning will assume you have had an expensive gravel drive laid!

they will be green with envy!
(horsethroat chewing on life's gristle on, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 7:39, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

be the envy of your neighbours...
Decieve them into thinking you have flurescent lighting throughout your home when you don't. When you turn th lights on, flick the switch on and off a few times before leaving it on thus giving the impression of stip tube luminescence!

They will turn green with envy!
(horsethroat chewing on life's gristle on, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 7:35, Reply)

If you're trying to hold in a shit...
and you have a bit of a turtle head poking out.

DO NOT SNEEZE.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 19:23, 1 reply, 16 years ago)