Corpse Gardening
Have a spare corpse in the lounge,but not sure what to do with it? Ta Daa! Problem solved!

1)Hollow it out
2) Fill with sand. I find good quality sheep manure works best
3) Punch holes in corpse
4) Insert some seeds in holes. Nothing with complicated root systems.
5) Pour water in mouth
6) watch, wait and enjoy.

My corpse has a fully automated watering system discreetly rigged through the arsehole. It looks mint.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 23:54, Reply)

Ladies: Getting pumped full of semen at a gangbang?
Do a handstand in between loads to get rid of the man juice. Fuck, that won't work. Ok, hang 5. I'm going back to the drawing board with this one. A few more tests with my faithful assistant Cindy and I should have this cracked.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 23:47, Reply)

Do a lot of baking?
Dont want to shell out for vanilla essence?
Get a whole vanilla pod and put it in a jar, fill the jar with sugar, and use this sugar whenever you need vanilla, just keep topping it up whenever it gets used.
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Wed 5 Aug 2009, 13:31, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Are you wondering why parts of your anatomy are getting horrendously hot?
Don't carry a 9v battery in a trouser pocket full of loose change.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 10:29, Reply)

Family Tree
It's really easy to research your family tree these days. Go to the 1911 census online and Bob's your uncle!
(Dairy Air, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 15:37, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Save money on hosting /links
By simply putting a link to Digg at the top of the page. It's all stolen from there anyway.
( Lord Gnome, Sat 1 Aug 2009, 20:00, Reply)

Got a headache from handling explosives in a poorly ventilated shed
Take them in a rucksack to your local train station or airport as they are invariably better ventilated.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 1 Aug 2009, 11:09, Reply)

Have a maths assignment that has be submitted in 3 days time?
Study and work on the course materials during the 8 weeks study time you have rather than spending 7 weeks of it lounging about looking on B3ta, watching telly, going out and other such stuff and then thinking you'd better make a start, then realise it's harder than you'd anicipated.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 1 Aug 2009, 11:07, Reply)

Possessive pronouns do not have apostrophes
"It's" means "it is". If you mean "belonging to it", try "its".

"Who's" means "who is". If you mean "belonging to whom", try "whose".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 16:45, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Got a headache from handling explosives in a poorly ventilated shed?
Strong black coffee will make it feel better.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 12:38, Reply)

Try not to waste paper
It doesn't grow on trees, you know.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 10:53, Reply)

Fancy winding up your friends?
At the end of every text you send, cut off half the last word, and replace it with *some text missing*.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Mon 27 Jul 2009, 19:09, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Skivers
Just call your GP claiming to have flu like symptoms, and you'll get signed off for 2 weeks without even having to see a doctor!
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 13:12, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

when riding the bus high
stoned, rollin or trippin, its all the same, turn sideways in your seat and lean with your back and head against the window, the vibrations feel amazing. Plus it makes everything look like its shaking

Mf
(mediumformat likes cyan, Mon 27 Jul 2009, 1:51, Reply)

Terrorists
Use public computers to learn how to build bombs in cafes or coffee shops, that way the police cant trace you through your home internet activity!
( tim1701 I have no board signature!!!!!, Sun 26 Jul 2009, 16:10, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Narcisists
Why not try masturbating while watching yourself in the mirror?
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Sat 25 Jul 2009, 11:15, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

OK a tip
Never, and I mean never, lend money to your vet.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 21:14, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Make your neighbours
think you've just started work at an ageing nuclear facility by using Veet (or other depilatory cream) to progressively remove your hair over the course of a week, giving yourself a nosebleed by the Thursday and having a couple of teeth extracted before leaving the house on Friday.

Also, soak your clothes in luminious paint every morning for that freshly irradiated look.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 13:08, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Need more exersise?
Simply ask your teenage children to preform the simplest tasks and chores, You will expend double the energy in following them round and doing the job properly than if you had done the job in the first place.
'Accidentaly' deleting a few game saves on their x-box is a great way to unwind after this.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Mon 20 Jul 2009, 10:14, Reply)

Bored?
Believe it or not, typing up how bored you are on Facebook doesn't actually cure boredom.
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:18, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cheap hols tip
Looking for a cheap holiday deal? Wait until there is a fuck off massive natural disaster or terrorist attack and watch the prices crash.

Kenya after the bombings was an absolute steal. Not many people noticed, but Thailand also has an East coast which post Tsunami wasn't full of festering corpses. Ideal! Did someone say Bagdad? Dirt cheap and hardly any tourists. Zimbabwe - food crisis, what food crisis! You'll never go hungry as you dine on almost extinct Rhino burgers at a fraction of the cost you'd pay at Nobu. Just pack a few Marlborough reds and US dollars to bribe the locals and you'll have a holiday at a fraction of the price of other upmarket destinations in Africa like Sierra Leone and the Congo.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 15 Jul 2009, 0:01, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

'One Show' producers
Put the cameras in the green room rather than the studio. It sounds like that's where all the interesting stuff happens.
(costas, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 9:50, Reply)

Hippophile?
Don't take the risk of pulling a Catherine the Great. Just fwap yourself silly over pics of Sarah Jessica Parker instead.
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Mon 13 Jul 2009, 9:57, Reply)

A genuine tip for Doc martens wearers of the sort of odd reddish colour.
proper DM "red" polish was/is an intermittent or expensive thing.

you will usually be given oxblood which makes scuffs look like freshly bleeding grazes and far too too dark.

You will need the 50ml kiwi oxblood some idiot has sold you, and a 50ml light tan tin. First use a small wire brush such as a suede brush to remove as much as you can of the oxblood on the scuffs. Then remove about 1 1/2 tspfls of light tan ( about 8ml), and put about the same amount of oxblood in its place.

Now, mixing.... it won`t mix easily until about 50c. 40 will do.

You can put it in a moat of water in a saucepan, or put it in a big tin can like new potatoes so there is metal and conductivity, stick it in the pan, or even better if your normal hot water is just off scald stick the can in the sink and run the hot water.

mix it as quickly as poss and take it out and lid it as it is losing oils that keep the leather supple.

I`ve been told that a sealed tin in a completely airburped jiffy reseal bag can be plunged into uncomfortable to linger hot water, for about 5 mins, shaken and allowed to cool gives perfect results and no loss of volatiles, I reckons there must be some loss of contents as the tin isn`t designed to keep liquids in!

if you still have dark remnants then apply this thickly and wipe the dark bits with a white spirit soaked cloth, not good for the leather, but it downs the colour to the new one. then polish again to repair the damage.

My first pair of steelies ended up slightly red suede, I got a load of tar on them and cleaned residuals off with carbon tet, which took all the colour out too and the leather glaze and the polish didnt work on big areas like that so i did the lot and wire brushed `em. From disaster to trendy, I got offered £75 for em in punk days, NO you can`t buy them , ANYWHERE!
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Mon 13 Jul 2009, 4:23, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Stressed out, bored, moody, or just plain hacked off with it all?
Have a wank, it really works.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Sun 12 Jul 2009, 7:58, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Got a tip on ridding yourself of hiccups?
Then you can be the same as one in ten posters on top tips.
( Peej, Sat 11 Jul 2009, 22:24, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Glass cleaner
Genuine top tip here.

This works better than most branded glass cleaner.

Get an empty, clean spray bottle and put two teaspoons of cornflour in it. Fill it with water.

Spray on windows, use two bits of kitchen towel or cloths, one to wipe the spray and one to buff it off.

Guaranteed smear free.

Works much better than vinegar and newspaper and if you add some lavender oil it smells better too.

Make sure you wash the left over down the sink. If you keep it it smells like sick after about a week.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 11 Jul 2009, 17:50, Reply)

Hiccups
They're fucking annoying, but I have the cure. No, seriously, none of that 'drinking upside down' or 'holding your breath' bullshit.

Fill a large (preferably a pint) glass with water. Take a sip and say 'tiger'. Keep sipping and saying at a consistent speed without stopping till the glass is empty. Hiccups are gone.

Don't ask me why, but it works. It's something to do with getting your lungs back in rhythm or something. You'll like quite the prick if you do it within earshot of strangers, so bear that in mind.
(jim.hatley.tech, Sat 11 Jul 2009, 14:39, Reply)

Facebook
Don't forget that everything you post comes up in the news feed, and you're not just talking to your mate. Whooops! :/
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 14:17, Reply)