Girls with no sense of direction
If you hold up both hands and point both index fingers skywards and hold your thumb at a right angle to this you will notice that one of your hands makes an L. The the one that makes the L is your left hand.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 11:12, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

After washing up
pretend to be Debbie McGee (or some other magician's assistant) by mincing about and flamboyantly sliding the knives back into the knife-block.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 17:29, Reply)

Be careful what nickname you use for B3ta
Your profile may end up quite high on the Google listings.

and as for Google Images, sweet Jesus, I feel sorry for anyone with an interest in light-ships.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 9:50, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Ditto
There is no situation where another pint is a bad idea. Wine, spirits, cocktails, shots - oh yes, there are times when these are unwarranted, but beer? no, beer is always a good idea.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 2:59, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fact/ambition
A true gentleman is never more than ten feet from his corkscrew
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 2:54, Reply)

recreate that scene
from The Great Escape by spunking onto your wife's leg as she sleeps. The next morning, the dried flaky detritus will cascade out of the bottom of her trousers much like the dirt from Steve McQueen's pockets.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Sep 2010, 16:20, Reply)

My fellows
Shave your balls at night, not in the morning. Trust me!
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Tue 31 Aug 2010, 20:31, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Gentlemen!
After giving her flowers, when she asks if she will have her legs in the air for the rest of the weekend, do not offer to buy her a vase!
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Sun 29 Aug 2010, 19:02, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

No matter how tempting, or how quiet things appear to be..
.. do not put an over affectionate cat in that wheelie bin.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Fri 27 Aug 2010, 15:34, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Another toast one
Once you put the bread under the grill / into the toaster, run the plate under the hot tap for 30 seconds or so. This will heat the plate up enough to keep the toast warm otherwise the plate acts like a very efficient heatsink for your breakfast.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 9:58, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Internet Geeks...
Trick your online friends into thinking you have real friends by not logging online for a few hours.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 18:51, Reply)

Is the recession biting?
Can you no longer afford a toilet cleaner which kills germs right under the rim?

Simply try to avoid licking the bit under the rim.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:47, Reply)

Going to Reading this weekend?
Fill your wellies with ice, then you can pretend it's somebody else trudging for miles and miles through the mud to get food poisoning from an overpriced, damp burger.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Is your tinitus driving you mental ?
Why not go to lots of rock concerts to take your mind off it ?
( Ramsay Tupper, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 13:38, Reply)

Woken up feeling a bit miserable?
Cheer yourself up by making the day seem like a special occasion by cutting your toast into triangles.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:25, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Parents:
Unless you want tears before bedtime, DO NOT confuse 'The Hungry Caterpillar' with 'The Human Centipede', IT IS NOT A SEQUEL.
(WittyUsernameHere, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 10:54, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Own brand medicines
Always buy shops own brand meds; an example, Piriteze 12 tabs £4.49; each tablet contains 10mg Cetirizine. Morrison's own brand Hay Fever tablets, 16 tablets, 10mg Cetirizine, £1.29.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 21 Aug 2010, 22:32, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Porridge
Like porridge for breakfast? Don't buy the ones in sachets! The bags/boxes of stuff is exactly the same and you get lots lots more than you do in the sachets at a much cheaper price. I think anyone who buys the sachets is a complete twunt or has more money than sense.
(52486 office lolled on, Sat 21 Aug 2010, 11:45, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't buy into the grossly over-priced pet accessory industry.
Instead of wasting ca$h on stupidly expensive puppy chew-toys, simply give your pet a handful of discarded baby teething rings from the local thrift store.
(St Sepulchre's Belle tolled for thee on, Sat 21 Aug 2010, 11:20, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Electric shower money saving tip.
If you have an electric shower over the bath (rather than in a shower enclosure) then simply put the plug in the plughole as you shower.
If you wash from the top down then this will allow you to switch the shower off once you get down past thigh/knee height and still be able to wash your feet.
Add up all that saved electricity!
10.8kW X 1minute/day X 365days = 65.7kWhrs
Your electricity supplier will be able to tell you how much that costs but i bet it's a fair few quid.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 15 Aug 2010, 10:04, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ladies...

Dress more provocatively.

Please!
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Ladies...
Tired of being the passive partner in sexual intercourse?

Apply a small amount of lube to your bloke's urethra and shag it with your clitoris.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 11:26, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

A woman for breeding
A boy for pleasure

A goat for ecstasy!
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 14:32, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

After eating fresh beetroot
Always leave a note for yourself to remind you of this fact in your toilet.
That way the next time you take a shit you won't look in the bowl and think you have bowel cancer.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Tue 10 Aug 2010, 13:23, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ever come down in the morning cooked up some porridge and found that you've run out of salt?
Knock one out into your porridge and stir in throughly for a salty alternative.
( currantbun is nubtnarruc backwards, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:19, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Proprietors of Tan Hill Inn
Hire a fucking chimney sweep for Christ's sake. I don't particularly want to smell like a prewar railway station because your chimney is backing up and filling the pub with essence of train driver.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 20:13, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)