Slapping a Scoper?
Get it on YouTube quick
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 17:12, Reply)

Slipping in skeep?
erm..
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 28 Sep 2010, 23:45, Reply)

Sleep with a skip?
You filthy pervert you have mental problems and need to be shot.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 28 Sep 2010, 11:58, Reply)

Skip in your sleep?
Look out for your mum's banana skins.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Mon 27 Sep 2010, 19:08, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Sleep in a skip?
You probably get covered in banana peel while you eat.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 23:17, Reply)

Need to skip sleep?
Watch your mother eating a banana.
(patchsticles Me and you, elbow fetish club:, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 20:27, Reply)

Never watch your mother eating a banana.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 16:40, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

For a cheap thrill
Flush the toilet while sitting on it
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Fri 24 Sep 2010, 15:32, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When looking for pics of chavs to 'shop,
don't google 'Chav Lads'...
( ..wil, Thu 23 Sep 2010, 21:39, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Do you have a high-powered job in the middle of London?
You're more important than other people, then, so be sure to barge them out the way screaming "I HAVE TO GET THIS TRAIN!"

Act nochalant - if slightly annoyed - when the doors close before you get on the train, and people start openly laughing at you.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 14:16, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Hungover?
Afraid people will smell the booze off your breath?

Chew on a motherfuckin' chilli!


It'll explain the bloodshot eyes and give you a completely different aroma!
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 11:04, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Students
Show the world what an asset you are to the intellectual world by walking five abreast on the pavement, stopping to chat with all your mates at the top of staircases and expecting everyone to hold the door open for you without so much as a glimmer of recognition never mind gratitude.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Tue 21 Sep 2010, 22:17, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Is your partner unwilling to let you jizz in her mouth?
Wait until she's asleep and then spunk on her back and cover it with an elastoplast. Make sure to remove it again in the morning before she wakes up. After 30 nights, stop the nightly regime and she will get the shakes and will need some man-lard in her system. She'll even swallow rather than spit too.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 15:06, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When you hear the warning siren on a golf cart at Euston Station...
...and look in vain for a security door opening somewhere nearby, it probably means you're spending too much time playing Half-Life
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 14:34, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Worried about brutal "Police" oppressing you and terrifying murderous monsters infesting your Dystopian society?
Don't worry, you're only playing Half-Life 2
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 21 Sep 2010, 14:32, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Worried your girlfriend might leave you?
Simply stick nicotine patches to her back every night when she falls asleep, peeling them off again just before dawn.

If she does leave, she'll be on your doorstep shaking and begging to come back within three days, guaranteed*

* Or she'll start smoking enough to make Peggy Mitchell blush...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 16:18, Reply)

Whores
Ladies, don't sponge benefits of the state, get on your back and look for work.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sun 19 Sep 2010, 16:19, Reply)

Get more reads on your QOTW post
by making small additions in replies rather than using the Edit function.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 19 Sep 2010, 12:48, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

For easy reference
A cue is a signal for somebody to do something. Or a stick for playing snooker or pool.

A queue is a waiting line.

"Que" is Spanish for "what" or French for "that".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Sun 19 Sep 2010, 10:02, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save yourself time
Only read the QOTW stories that have at least 3 replies. The rest are shit.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 22:44, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Women
Help save rainforests and contribute towards the health of the planet by teaching your daughters not so use so much fucking bog roll.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:41, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you work for a charity
If you work for a charity and some guy comes in to volunteer and is always followed around by a film crew, remember to practice your surprised look in readiness for when they reveal that they are a secret millionaire.
( Vambo, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 15:35, Reply)

Girls!
Disappointed by the limited range of 'Boyfriend Jeans' and 'Boyfriend Shirts' in your local branch of Top Shop? Simply pop upstairs to the department marked 'Top Man' and browse their wide selection of 'Boyfriend Jeans', 'Boyfriend Shirts', 'Boyfriend Jumpers', 'Boyfriend Coats', 'Boyfriend Hats', 'Boyfriend Socks', 'Boyfriend Pants' and 'Boyfriend Unimaginative T-Shirts Bearing Distressed Logos of Fictional American School Sports Teams'.

N.B. Don't be tempted, however, to shop for an actual 'Boyfriend' in this department. Unless you like rat-faced Nuts-reading WKD drinkers who smell of a McDonalds bin filled with three cans of Lynx and a pound of unwashed cocks.
(costas, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 20:31, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Worried?
Probably best to stay indoors then
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 17:09, Reply)

Worried about crossbow or longbow-carrying teen scum roaming the shit-stained cadaver of ruined society that is Britain in the 21st century?
Probably best to stay indoors then.
( Smallbrainfield, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 17:04, Reply)

Worried about polearm crime and pike-wielding gangs of teenagers wandering the streets of broken Britain?
Purchase a longbow or crossbow. Used at a distance, a bow can easily stop a pike-wielding teenager in their tracks as most polearms are two-handed weapons so the dirty chav army will be unable to carry shields.
( Smallbrainfield, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Worried about sword crime and sword wielding teenagers roaming the streets?
Purchase an awlpike or glaive. Polearms have a longer reach than swords and have the added benefit of being a visual deterrent. For best results and complete safety from sword crime, travel in a square formation with forty or so friends.
( Smallbrainfield, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 16:59, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Worried about knife crime and knife carrying teenagers roaming the streets?
The solution is to buy a sword. Swords have a longer reach than a knife and do more damage.
( Smallbrainfield, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 16:57, Reply)

Enjoy the benefits of date rape without the concern about prosecution, by simply
spiking your own drink and having a wank.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Papering your ceiling?
By constructing an oversize rotisserie, it's possible to rotate your house upside-down and hey presto, you're papering the floor.

Don't forget to nail the furniture down first. Oh and don't trip over the light fitting either.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 9:40, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)