I much prefer Motif to Qt.
What?
(uncle_bud is not the jelly roll king., Thu 19 May 2011, 16:39, 1 reply)

I occasionally get bored and email people:
I applied for a writers position, from a vague and unassuming advertisement I found. I was curious, maybe it was something I could juggle whilst at University and gain some experience, get paid and maybe even get published.... But then I got a reply.
--

“Hi Mr Lizard,

Thanks for your email. Currently we only have voluntary writing opportunities available. This would mean writing 3/4 articles per week on the website. Would you be interested in this? If so please could you forward me a piece of fashion/style writing you have done. If you don't have any then please could you write a piece and send it through to me?

Thanks, Sid*

--
Unfortunately I know sod all about the fashion industry. But that didn't stop me:
--
Dear Sid*

First of all, a hearty thanks in your direction. I have absolutely no problem writing three quarter articles. I am quite interested in this unusual request, i’ll admit, even though I have never trampled into the realms of the fashion industry before, I am now tempted beyond recourse. I now wish to dive headlong into uncertainty (and possible oblivion / enlightenment) and seek a new path.
So yes, my interest has hit new levels of unquenched desire to break away the crumbling shackles of an old me (i.e the boring unfashionable, dull me), and bravely stare into the vain colossus of the fashion industry. Stare the textile beast into its patchwork eye, punch it in the face and roar into its hypothetical mouth... ‘NO!’ (I shall roar)... ‘NO! Ye shall not conquer me, I am a MAN! ‘
So yes, hit me....
Oh wait, you want an article. Have some of this then (see below these words in brackets).

Article 1: (Gloves)
Gloves, gloves gloves.... Love with a ‘G’ at the beginning.
They cover your fingers, and you can get them for your toes (socks). They are simple devices, and are operated by inserting a finger into an individual sheath (five on each glove). The gloves do the rest.
Gloves are often worn on both hands (left and right) and are available in sizes ranging from microscopic (i.e anti-bacterial gloves) to Gargantuan (as worn by the Giant of Illinois – A Mr Robert Pershing Wadlow, who was over eight feet tall) – Imagine the size of his hands! I bet he could throw a man through the wall if he wanted to. A man you would never give lip to, that’s for sure. Although records do assure me his is quite dead and was actually a pacifist, so worry not.
For more information regarding the Giant of Illinois, please refer to the song ‘The Giant of Illinois’ by the band the Handsome family. It’s actually quite melancholic and best suited to a cold winter night, in which you can celebrate his life by wearing gloves and going for a nice walk under the gaze of a winter moon in stilts and squinting a bit so you trick your brain into thinking you are taller.
Anyhoo, Gloves. They are available in many materials, (including wool, leather and plate mail gauntlets with spikes on). They are used for a thousand different uses, and are quite adaptable. If forced to, you could quite easily wear the left glove on your right hand, or even on your head as some sort of impromptu comedy rooster (and strap one to your chin for added effect).
You can fill them with water. Assuming they are waterproof (the best way to test is to fill them with water) and they make handy water bottles if you happen to have lost your water bottle. Me and a friend once filled a laboratory gloved with a LOT of water inside and an egg and rolled it into a pub. It was amazing how strong those gloves were. We’ve been searching for those types ever since, but we can only find the powdery ones, that burst halfway down the stairs filling your shared house hallway with a lot of water and drenching you in the process. Having to explain that to your wildly humourless executive type housemate isn’t fun.

Gloves were probably invented to keep your hands warm, but are often used by golfers, in case all that strenuous golf hurts their hand. Others may tell you it’s to get a grip on the golf club, but don’t trust those people. They all work for.....

I would usually finish this article but i’m now 3/4 of the way through and i’m determined to stick to the plan.
If you would like more info regarding the last 1/4 of the article, or indeed any info about the Giant of Illinois, gloves, gauntlets, helmets, spears, pikes and maces, pauldrons, tabards, kerchiefs, coifs, headbands, and banners made from the scalps of a thousand dead warriors, then please contact me at this email address.

I hope together we can sail the woollen boat across the Velcro sea, together holding hands under the ominous shadow of a vain and burning sun (i.e the fashion industry).
I thank ye.
Mr L

--

Never got a reply.

*Name changed to protect Sid.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:36, Reply)

Some real life friend trolling
I've got a mate who managed to make quite a bit of money when he sold his business. He took a portion of said money and invested in a lovely bit of period property in North London.

Lovely, except for this crappy old out house type building in the back garden, about 5 foot away from the back door. He decided he wanted to put funky glass conservatory on the back of the house. Now you don’t need planning permission from the council to put in a conservatory but you do need planning permission to alter the existing building in anyway. He was refused permission to pull down the crappy old our house standing in the way of his conservatory but though “piss off council minges” and decided to pull it down and go ahead anyway.

One day shortly after he’d moved in he was telling me all this while we were in the pub, before adding that the only way he thought he’d get caught is if the council had anyone drive by the house to check if building work was going on, following the planning permission refusal. He told how he had planned meticulously to make sure the window of getting caught (having a skip outside his house for the old rubble) was as short as possible, ½ a day and would make all the builders park two roads along at an all day carpark.

Realising how much effort he must have gone to and that he would undoubtedly be stressing out about being found out, I hatched a plan. Below is the outcome of said plan, which I mailed to him shortly after work commenced. To be fair I did include a few subtle references that it might not be quite what it appears on first glance.



Length? He called the number I included about 3 days later.
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:26, 3 replies)

SHOE ON HEAD

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:21, 3 replies)

Dr. Shambolic, Amorous Badger.
'nuff said.
(nolongernuts, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:09, 53 replies)

I doubt it was his intention
but Ken Clarke's done a sterling job of trolling the British media in the past couple of days
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:05, 32 replies)

Teasy-girls webcam
My mate (let's call him Shaun) once visited one of those websites were you can watch girls fondle about and tease, and take requests from the chat-room.


'Now what do you want me to do big boy?' - she no doubt purred.

He asked them if she would fix the angle of the picture that was hanging on the wall behind them, as it 'was doing his head in'..
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:02, 6 replies)

2 pages in and no-one's mentioned the greatest ever troll
Detritus The Troll, former splatter and now decent, upstanding watchman.

It was Detritus's interrogation technique to repeat the same questions over and over until the suspect cracked:
"It was you what done it, everyone saw you, it was you what dun it wasn't it"
"Yes, yes I done it. Now please tell me what it was I did!"

Also:

"Slab Just say Arrgharrgharrghnonononopleaseno aaargh".

The troll's a genius, I tell you.
( DrPrunesquallor is determined to post more as of, Thu 19 May 2011, 15:58, 14 replies)

Anybody who has
spent any time on usenet boards will have encountered some if not all of these characters.

www.flamewarriors.com/
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 19 May 2011, 15:46, 2 replies)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/bidisha
Nobody beats Bidisha for winding up the yoghurt-knitters.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 May 2011, 15:36, 10 replies)

It's amazing how upset people seem to get when instructed that (traditional) zombies are crap.
I mean - let's face it - the defence is to walk away quickly. Wow. That's an action movie right there.

I've upset a few people expressing this opinion, and it's amazing how seriously they take it, considering zombies aren't real.

These people are generally self-acclaimed atheists with no belief in the supernatural, too.

Of late, however, more milage is to be gained in expressing how the development of vampires sparkling is an excellent one.

This can lead to the black-clad poetry-writing teenagers getting VERY angry.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 May 2011, 15:19, 13 replies)

I once engaged an evangelical christian in conversation on the interwebs.
It was a perfectly polite exchange because (a) I'm completely lovely and (b) it was a fairly closely-moderated forum and (c) I'm completely lovely.

After about ten weeks he left his job and became a monk. He said that he could no longer cope with persecution in the secular world and held me and another forum commenter directly responsible.

I'm Pontias fucking Pilate.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 May 2011, 14:51, 12 replies)

Disgruntled shop worker
This is a long one but a lot of it is scene setting........

I used to work in a convenience store in Liverpool, which was fun and to be honest a bit of a doss, all the staff were mates and got on well, we’d get any jobs (like deliveries stock checks etc) done and then get on with watching the shop and having a bit of skive, as you do when you are a 20somehting just out of Uni type.

So far so good until the manager/ franchisee of the shop got offered a much better job in the Co-Op down the road and another Francisee / manager was brought in, we shall call him Eric for that was his name.

Eric was to put it mildly an anal retentive self important wanker of the highest order, think Norris from Corrie but turned up to 11. He had very different ideas about how he wanted his shop run, ideas like all female staff should wear skirts (not in a pervy way just a ridiculously old fashioned way) , that and no alcoholics allowed in the shop, fair enough you might say but those alcos were our bread and butter, bad move Eric!

Anyhoo I digress, the man was a fool, and did not like me (despite the fact that I was doing my best to toe the line with his new rules, I even wore a skirt FFS), I could tell this by the way he gradually reduced my hours week by week, would ask my colleagues to pass on messages about job that need to be done in store even though I was STANDING RIGHT THERE! Oh and for some reason he told the managers of other shops in the company and on the Lane that I was lazy (I know this because the manager of the restaurant I also worked in told me he has said this and had in turn told Eric that he was talking bollocks). This as you can imagine was pretty annoying and soon I’d had enough!

The time had come to move on I thought, so I got myself another job and gave in my notice, during this period however I made sure to leave some clues to show Eric that his pettiness had not gone unnoticed and I could be just as petty in return (I freely admit that this is petty before anyone says anything).

There was a big pile of tissue paper on the counter by the tills that we used to wrap up bottles o wine and spirits, I carefully divided this into layers and on every 50th or so sheet wrote Eric a little message, such as “I am Watching You Eric”, “I hate you” and various others. In addition to this I also unravelled the toilet roll in his private (yes he made the ladies loo of the shop into his private shitter and the rest of the staff had to use the other one) and wrote more messages to him (fair enough he would have wiped his arse on them but hey it seemed like a good idea at the time). I also left loads of little notes hinting at my disdain for Eric as a human being hidden around the shop

My mate who Eric liked said that he was finding these for months afterwards much to his confusion.


Oh yes and two years later he had run the shop into the ground.
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Thu 19 May 2011, 14:18, Reply)

I posted a video on youtube
Calling Bill Hicks a prick for smoking, then I smoke a cigarette. It's not even that funny, I just wanted to see if a stupid video I made in 30 seconds would get more hits than my music that I'd been working my arse off on.

Well, of course it did. 29,000 views, 714 comments, of which 600 are people calling me scum and challenging me to come over to their town for a fight. God, I love youtube.
(brandthedoggy, Thu 19 May 2011, 14:00, 9 replies)

Madeline McCann.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:58, 6 replies)

My best, EPIC troll
This tale's a bit of a re-post, you can find it HERE
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:53, 17 replies)

As if...
...I would tell a bunch of up-themselves, self-congratulatory artsy-rabble about anything I have done. Go back to drawing CDCs, it's all yer good for. No, wait, get a real job!

Did I do that right?
(SpangleDangle >->)))'>, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:52, Reply)

Scam Email
I'm in an ongoing wind-up with some person who is obviously trying to scam me out of some money, by cleverly posing as a woman. Each email can be read here:
www.deathonthestairs.co.uk/the-scam-email-part-1/
www.deathonthestairs.co.uk/the-scam-email-part-2/
www.deathonthestairs.co.uk/the-scam-email-part-3/
www.deathonthestairs.co.uk/the-scam-email-part-4/

'She's' STILL replying - I have another 3 updates to put up!

EDIT

www.deathonthestairs.co.uk/the-scam-email-part-5/
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:49, 7 replies)

Super-Troll (Happy with that, Lee Barnett?)
I think the easiest place to troll in the world has to be at any comic books forum.

Just pop in as a newbie and innocently say either 'Barry Allen is infinitely superior to Wally West' or 'Kyle Rainer is not a Green Lantern'. I have read through threads on Comic Bloc that look like full on mental breakdowns going on over things as trivial as what shade of blue The Blue Beetle should be. But for the most fun of all, just go to the DC Message boards and start an 'Avengers are better than The Justice League' thread or similar.

I have had sex in my life, I promise.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:44, 9 replies)

An unpopular person on a forum I post on...
...once got clamped and tried to crowdsource some hassle for the clamping company. This was the result:

www.network54.com/Forum/188020/thread/1138304863/last-1138706864/im+asking+a+big+favour+to+any+kind+hearted+souls.

You'll just have to ignore the injokey terms in the course of the thread@ the gist comes over, I think.
(clinteastwoodbradfield, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:43, 3 replies)

I stopped goading mentally ill people on the internet in 1998
When my balls finally dropped and I gave up usenet for good.

I occasionally pop my head back into uk.radio.amateur and I see it's still going strong. In between then and now it's slowly escalated through two court cases of harassment and the suicide of a copper who got caught up in the crossfire. They are currently now onto malicious emails, poison pen letters and libel. Next court case is 31st May. It's just between two old guys in their 50's for gods sake, not teenagers.

I'd laugh if it wasn't so tragic.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:28, Reply)

I used to fancy this girl.
Her father presented himself as some kind of psychic, and had left her pretty much unsupported quite some time ago.

I've never really been one for serious relationships, and tend to be all arch and cold-as-ice when it comes to love - but she was really something else. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I'd fallen pretty badly. And, miraculously (though I did get some help from her uncle), she fell for me in return - for a while.

It turned out that she was quite fickle; fairly soon, her attentions had obviously shifted to this Greek guy who'd recently appeared on the scene. She told me that she still loved me - but I didn't believe her (and I'm pretty certain that she'd been putting it about a bit).

Needless to say, I was gutted. I really wanted to kill her new bloke; but one of his Greek mates stopped me.

Her name was Cressida, and I think I've misread the question.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:27, 5 replies)

There's a book already. It's funny.
Delete This at Your Peril: One Man's Fearless Exchanges with the Internet Spammers
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 19 May 2011, 13:26, Reply)

The Troll Hunter
Slightly on topic:
I heartily recommend everyone to watch a Norweigen film: Trollhunter for a very enjoyable look at trolls in modern life.

www.imdb.com/title/tt1740707/
(monkeyseemonkeydo, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:23, 5 replies)

Shopping troll-y
Trips to ikea are like trips to hell, so when I go, in the kitchen section is a massive shelf of timers. I like to set as many as I can to go off in 5 minutes. Then I scarper.


At the supermarket, I like to open the freezer doors and write "help me!" on the inside.
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:18, 5 replies)

Whenever I feel a little trollish...
I go to the library, take some bibles, and put them in the fiction section. I sometimes stick around and wait for reactions, mainly laughs and "holy shit"s.
( Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:11, 9 replies)

I can't help trolling strangers
I was on the train and a blind guy got on and ended up accidently sitting on a woman’s lap. He got off after a couple of stops. As soon as he was away the woman, her husband and son started having a bit of a laugh about what happened. It was mainly their own fault, if they’d left the guy alone instead of trying to pull him into an empty seat he’d have been fine.

I chipped in

Me “I can’t believe he’s still doing that”
Woman “What”
Me “Pretending he’s blind”
Woman “What!?”
Me “He’s been doing it for years. He uses the glasses and white stick as an excuse and sits on woman”
Husband “WHAAAAT!”

When we reached my stop they were still on the phone to the police reporting the ‘blind woman sitting pervert of network southeast.’
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 19 May 2011, 13:07, 2 replies)

Nasty Cliff is a cunt
I dare say some of you are on that new fangled twitter thing; well I post on there as nastycliff, a frankly vile, deranged perverted version of everyone’s favourite Christian and alleged bummer Sir Cliff Richards

I have been posting various levels of insanity since September and ran a good ongoing story about a maid I had picked up in Vietnam for (I think) a Mars Bar and a Snickers, she was released into the wild (the park) to avoid putting her on the census

It was a fun game to start with and many "lolls" were had by all but slowly but surely the fun has started to fade away and my days have been spent being declared a “ledge” or frankly harassed by new wannabes looking to get more followers via me following them and retweeting the drivel they muster

The main point of twitter seems to be who can get the most followers and I have sort of decided this is a silly game and a more fun one is to see just how many people I can piss off
Using a third party application I found out that I managed to shed 140 in a few days, I think the bulk of them left after a tweet about Amanda Holden looking well now that she is eating for one.

I spent most of last weeks “follow Friday” literally just mashing the keyboard in an effort to detract new people from joining in.

As of last night I have protected my tweets as it’s the only way I can stop new people following me and I only have 1121 followers to shed

And then I will unprotect myself and try and claw them all back

Trolling is a art
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Thu 19 May 2011, 13:02, 1 reply)