Jackie said "Duck!"
I laughed and carried on waving.

Pretty GOOD advice, looking back on it.

Cheers.

J.F.Kennedy.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 21:38, Reply)

Robin hood
While explaining to my dad that I was going to town to buy an umbrella he offered this:

"Why an umbrella? That won't protect you from arrows."


I think my dad is on drugs...

...but he is right I suppose.
( Regger, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 21:20, Reply)

Couriers beware
Out in the sticks, it's not uncommon for parcel couriers to ask the trusted postmen for directions. Some refuse on the grounds that they're now the competition, but I consider myself a helpful chap and I'll tell them. But I bet this poor courier wished I didn't. Asking me where this house was, I told him and sent him on his merry way. It was only when driving on, did I realise I had misheard him and sent him to the wrong house (they were very similar in name, if not geographical location: about 10 miles apart). Not only that, but I had given him the wrong directions to the wrong house. Now there were one of two possibilities:

1). He would end up at an entirely different house altogether OR
2). He would spend miles going round in circles in the dense forest. A forest I might add was used for SAS training because of it's thick coverage and unrelenting terrain. Not very van friendly.

I never did see him again. Maybe the SAS got him.
(Rob Roy The Postie is looking for alternative employment, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 20:53, Reply)

Sex Ed


my entire sexual education came as i was walking home from school with my mum. I think I was about 11 and mentioned a very pretty girl I'd met that day.

My mum stomps along - her mind deciding if this is the time to have "THE CONVERSATION" - the whirring stops, yes it's time, and the advice flows:

"Never have sex with a girl unless you are prepared to use her toothbrush"

Which today I find very astute and often something I think about as a lovely female friend 'cleans her teeth' , but back then - explaining what "having sex" was might have helped more than a discussion of dental hygiene.
( gp_guineapig, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 16:49, Reply)

Mariner Outboard
The users manual for the Mariner 40HP engine, says in the heatlh and safety bit at the front...

"running down persons in the water, can cause death or serious injury"
(thx1138, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 15:55, Reply)

Arsehole uncle
I once got my finger caught in a cupboard, I was about 10 years old at the time. I was so desperate for some pain relief that I wasn't thinking about what I was doing when i followed my uncle's instruction to pour salt on my open bloody wound... Need I say anymore? The twunt then said to rinse the salt off with hot water, which just made it worse.

Oh well, the year after that his wife left him and his life turned to shit, so karma got the fucker....
(EasilyRecognisable I’m back baby, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 14:09, Reply)

grans give the best advice
When a mate of mine was choosing which universities to apply to, and in particular deciding between Oxford and Cambridge (you can only apply to one), her gran gave her this pearl of wisdom:

"Don't go to Oxford. People get murdered there, I saw it on Inspector Morse."
(littlemsbroccoli, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 13:51, Reply)

actually listened to a horoscope
i was very into a girl, but was not getting any kind of vibe from her - i read my horoscope, and it, of course, said something like "ask for what you want" or "you will get what you are dreaming of" - so i asked her out and never saw her again - it would have hurt less if it said "give up, you're a loser"
(askboz www.askboz.com, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 13:45, Reply)

Weapon-X
Yeah, I´ve heard that advice, my usual response is to tell them that if it takes more energy to frown than to smile it must be healthier to frown. smiling burns less energy so... SMILING MAKES YOU FAT!

As far as usless advice goes... I go busking a lot, I can make quite good money (20pound an hour anybody?) so it does annoy me when passing chavs yell at me to get a job. Ignorant fuckers are probably in some shit retail job earning minimum wage. Oh, and I have a law degree, when I want a proper job I´ll get one thank you. Grrrrrr... chavs... Grrrrr.....
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 10:26, Reply)

Like most humans
I hate work. Even though I only work about five hours at a time I still hate it. When I tell people that I don't want to go to work they have one thing and one thing only to say: "Think of the money". This is silly. When I work I try to think of things that will prevent me killing the screaming children of various customers. If I were to think of the money I would probably try to take it. A supermarket is no place of employment for angry youths.
( Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 8:16, Reply)

I've got some useless advice for skippytheferret
The rearview mirrors on cars are slightly curved so that you can see more of your surroundings. Of course, for you to see more in the mirror, the images reflected are smaller, leading you to think they're further away. (sorry, thought other people might be curious too...)

As for useless advice, how's "you don't need to declare a major, just start taking your gen eds and it'll come to you" sound? Wasting time and money is worse than useless!
(Mrs_Talbot, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 8:00, Reply)

A friend of mine....
Used to give me this stupid peice of advice back in my school days. That is until I saw Bill Hicks and 'borrowed' his comeback.

'You know, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile'


BH'You know it takes more energy to point that out than it would to leave me alone'

It's silly advice anyways, like if you've just been dumped, fired and your dog run over, forcing a muppetesque grin on your face is going to make it all better.
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Sun 22 Oct 2006, 7:49, Reply)

Useless Advice And A Product Oppurtunity
"Objects in this mirror are closer than they appear"

I dont seem to have a problem when brushing my teeth every morning? I am neither tailgaiting the bathroom mirror or straining to see it, ergo, why dont the happy chappies at toyota, ford, etc, make their car mirrors out of the same stuff as every other mirror on the face of the planet!?!

Rant.....
(skippytheferret Mr. Flibble's very cross, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 23:02, Reply)

when I was a wee 'un
i had just been given my first little mans suit for a wedding, but I had a bit of a cold. So, as one does, one was wiping ones nose on ones sleeve. My mum cocks her head down to me and says
"Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve. You'll rip your nose off on one of the buttons!"
Class
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 22:47, Reply)

Sleeping Tablets
Warning:May cause drowsiness.

I should bleeding hope so.
(Seanus, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 22:22, Reply)

The Wonderful Joys of Computing
My computing lecturer has to be one of the most inept people at teaching in the world. Seriously, If thats all it takes to get a job at my college then Im attending an interview and reading from the textbook whilst also becoming a fat a frumpy old woman whos lost all but one marble.

Anyway, the other week whilst preparing for an exam, she asked a question about internet protocols. One chap answered with quite a modern, upto date answer only for her to respond...

"Yes, that is correct. In fact its a model answer"

The student smiled

"However...don't write it in your exam, its wrong and you'll lose marks. And when you're sitting there crying and in dispair in your exam, don't say I didn't warn you because I did. But still, its right, just don't write that down, because, well...I said so"

And she just stopped...no explaination, just froze in time. Its as if she'd over heated and crashed. It wasn't until about 6 minutes later when someone asked if she was ok that she continued with the lesson...
( Grinned2Death knows what Willis was talking about, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 21:22, Reply)

My Dad was once sat down
by his very straight laced mother, who, after spending a long time emphasizing the importance of the conversation, told him never ever to wipe his arse on a broken bottle.

I think she may have had a glass of wine
(gingerchris I'm trying..., Sat 21 Oct 2006, 20:52, Reply)

I was advised to join the Light Cavalry in 1815
Hussar !
(kitescreech still here, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 20:19, Reply)

Tough Love
"Son, never put the pin cushion near your no no area again."

If he gave me five more seconds I would have learned that on my own.
(Outsyder, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 19:27, Reply)

Women
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

Very, very apt.

Life, however, has taught me that simply stating that:

"Hell hath no fury like a woman"

Was all you needed really.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 19:17, Reply)

Honesty?
I was always told that honesty's the best policy. Ahem. BOLLOCKS - A good lie is far better, more fun and much more useful.

On the honesty lines - If I was honest, I'd.... Er, I'd better stop there lawyers don't agree with me.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 19:16, Reply)

If you want people to click "I like this"...
...make sure you do lots of short, rather pointless posts one after the other.

Actually, that isn't bad advice. It works for apeloverage. But then he's actually funny.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 19:00, Reply)

sciatica
my boyfriend has sciatica. a spanish doctor told him to lie down for the next 6 months.
(carpetburns, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 18:05, Reply)

If It Aint Broke Dont Fix It..
now does this apply to poor students who are about to be evicted? Huzzah!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 17:42, Reply)

Theres A Pot Of Gold At The End Of The Rainbow
so tell me where the end is n we'll go halves!! Huzzah!!



No apologies for length just for depth and my boredom attempts at taking over the board!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 17:41, Reply)

Theres A Silver Lining To Every Cloud
Like fuck is there, you get the goldy ones, the pinky ones, the angry grey ones, but NO DAMN silver!! Huzzah!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 17:38, Reply)

Label on my Hairstraightners: MAY GET HOT!
I should bloody well hope so!! Huzzah!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 17:29, Reply)

Advice from ny Gran
"Never chase after a bus or a girl: There'll be another one along before you know it!"

Which must explain why I spent such a large proportion of my adolescent years standing soaked to the skin next to a bus-stop, with a raging, throbbing hard-on.

Cheers, gran.
(apologies_for_length, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 17:27, Reply)

Always Try Everything Once...



I WALK LIKE JOHN WAYNE NOW!!

THERE IS NO HUZZAH!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 17:26, Reply)

Evil genius advice
given to me by a lecturer as to how to go about killing someone and not be charged with it, i bet he wishes he never failed me now!! Huzzah!!
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 21 Oct 2006, 17:24, Reply)