More Railway stories
Just a hint, but if you live in a property with a railway line at the bottom of your garden, it might be an idea not to...

- sunbathe topless.
- squeal with delight when you realise your husband/boyfriend has just returned home from work.
- give him enthusiastic oral sex, including a very violent bout of tit-wankage
- swallow.

...when there is a train stopped on a signal, with a full view into your otherwise secluded garden.

Best shift ever...
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 14:20, Reply)

wee sex drunk loud noises
flatmate children!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 14:01, 2 replies)

Needed a Wee
Me and Mrs Lunatics were making our way home from a barbecue at a friends house one summers evening a few years ago. As is often the case at barbecues, a fair bit of alcohol was consumed. We were about half a mile away from home and I desperately needed a slash so I decided to relieve myself at the end of a row of terraced houses where there was a dirt track and an over grown bramble bush which I subsequently watered.

What I failed to noticed was that the end house had a side window in which sat a family eating their Sunday Dinner whilst getting a grandstand view of my knob.

Not exactly voyeurism in the usual sense unless one of them likes that sort of thing! Still, the physical relief overrode the embarrassment.

Length? About 45 seconds of blissful relief.
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 13:19, Reply)

Curtains
I'd just moved into a student house with my (then ex, now re-appointed) boyfriend, and a couple of other people, when we decided to get a little frisky in his bedroom.


His bedroom being on the ground floor. With a huge window overlooking the street. A street which is on the school-bus-route. With the curtains open.


I really do hope that no nosy little kid was looking through windows as the bus passed through :(
( Kittenpants, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 12:28, Reply)

I can verify through my ex-flatmates choice in women
that a broad Yorkshire accent makes for the most hilarious sex noises
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 12:07, 1 reply)

Somewhere on the intarwebs
there is a (totally SFW) video of me at a house party as a sweet little fresher, kissing a goth guy, then falling off a chair, having him land on top of me and then calling him a git for squishing me, getting up and doing it all again. Ack. I will murder the cunt who videoed it if I ever see him again.
( Maladicta, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 11:49, 1 reply)

While working in Malia...
I got rather friendly with one of my co-workers. One thing lead to another, until eventually, after quite a long shift, we went down to the beach front and frequented a sunbed and did things I'm sure you can all imagine.

After the deed was done, we both dressed back up and turned to walk home. It was then we noticed the staff at the nearby hotel were setting up for breakfast and had seen the whole thing.

I felt strangely proud afterwards.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Errr....wha....!
Many years back at the end of one of my uni terms there was the traditional pub crawl. Somehow I ended up as one of the last in the pub (I'm normally tucked up in bed well before then, honest). The only others remaining of the group I was with were two sisters, so come chucking out time the three of us were supporting each other, making our way down the road (calling it walking would be too grand a description for our drunken wobbling) to their student house. At one point* we passed some flats whose ground floor windows were only about 6 feet back from the pavement. As we passed I noticed a man watering his window boxes and he waved politely at us. In our drunken state it was only when we were about 100 yards down the road when it dawned on us that he had been stark bollock naked and using his natural sprinkler system to nurture his roses!

Length? Not sure, but it was cold, the roses probably had bigger pricks.

*opposite the Commonwealth Pool in Edinburgh for anyone wishing to hang around to see if he does it again
( SteamedCleaner, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 11:33, Reply)

Yes last night
Was out on a date last night, first in ages.we stopped off after dinner and drinkies in the car park at Meadowhall for a chat before going our seperate ways home. One thing led to another, tops and tips, was ok.

Until she screamed load enough to wake the dead.

It seems she had noticed that a number of CCTV cameras were pointed directly at us.

Is nothing sacred?
(Batters, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 11:21, Reply)

caught again
i had a crush on a girl at work, she also had crush on me,
"message recieved"
Meet me in dungeon (we worked in an adventure playground at the time)
Tunnels 10 mins x
from her, so i we meet, talk and decide to become a couple.
we proceeded to get close, (kissing only) to find a group of about 8 children watching us through a window
( hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 11:20, 1 reply)

i was watched
picture the scene
walking the ex girlfreind home over the dunstable downs, we had both been drinking.
she got frisky and offered a bit of oral relief, at midnight i thought hell, why not!
so during the act two gay men walked past,
stopped to say, "she's doing it wrong" then proceeded to walk off discussing the perfect blow job

from hard to floppy in seconds
( hooker1uk Filth monger of the lowest degree!, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 11:06, 3 replies)

Maybe Voyeurism - we never found out
(repost)

Many moons ago (1987ish) we (3-4 lads) often went to the local cinema. We either went in my car (Allegro) or my mates parents' (a MASSIVE peugot estate). Now in the back of said estate was (sometimes) his brothers Tuba. Not much fun, 'til we hit on an evil plan.
We would often stop off in a local village for a chinese around 11pm, and after go to the local woods to eat it, muck about, throw rice around etc. Our trick, after eating, was to spot some car parked up (presumably with an amorous couple inside), turn off lights and engine (with some momentum), glide up to it and give an almighty "parp" out the window with the tuba, hit the ignition and get out there pronto.
Happy Days :-)
(kitescreech still here, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 10:25, 1 reply)

Me and my ex
were 'getting it on" one lazy winter afternoon when I heard a strange clunk outside my window (which the bed is positioned next to). Being lost in the moment I ignored it, until a few moments later, when the familiar head of our window cleaner popped up, cloth in hand.

Fortunately there were duvets involved. Just about. Cue a few minutes of very awkward stillness and near-giggle fits while he did his job. I still don't fully understand why he didn't leave us to it, but then again he *is* quite a scary old dude.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 10:20, Reply)

Greenday at Milton Keyenes bowl a year or two ago.
As a venue, it's pretty crap. However, it's surrounded by a slopey sort of undergrowth area that you can get inside and sit under if the weather's hot cos there's no other shade.

And it's also a good place to go for a piss without having to queue.

This is the option one girl took, and promptly squatted in the bushese surrounded by her mates for privacy. Now, I was aware of this, but not watching it.

Another bloke obviously was, as when she had finished and scarpered, he wandered over to where she had relieved herself, wiped his hand on the still wet leaves, took a big sniff, then pulled down his trousers and had a wank right there and then.

Lovely.
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Sat 13 Oct 2007, 10:06, Reply)

Everyone's getting sex
I've probably seen more than I've clocked, but two come to mind.

The first, I was sat on the harbour walls in Galway with a mate and a couple about 20' away were having very "discrete" sex, well as discrete as you can be on a sunny day in full view of everyone. She didn't come. Well, not audibly anyway.

Last summer I was riding my horse through the woods, I came down a gorgeous leafy path in to a carpark - dogging it appears is not limited to only the UK. You can see a lot from the top of a big horse.
(betty_bongo, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 9:35, Reply)

rooting
to cut a long story short, i saw two middle aged hippies "rooting" (this story situates in australia mind) and i didn't even realize it. i was talking to the bloke, but since he stopped "moving" i didn't realize there was a woman underneat. or it could've been that tantric sex stuff. they where hippies after all. it scarred me for all eternity. that is all.
( Mr. Johnson, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 9:29, Reply)

Went both ways
November 5th, bonfire night, went to an organised firework display complete with four bottles of ale for the downing.

Post downing nature takes its course; only the stupid bastards who organised the thing had decided against providing any toilet facilities. Options being limited to a nearby lake, forest, or field, I go for the forest. Do my thing.

Hear a rustling sound and glance across, and about five trees away is someone else doing their thing. An awkward wave exchange was had, and we both went off our respective ways.
(pretzelthief, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 8:41, Reply)

I went to the poultry section of an agricultural show
and found that everyone had their cock out.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 5:11, 1 reply)

A stray dog
I was at a mates office in Sharjah on a Friday morning (weekend in the middle east), the office building next door was occupied by a dutch company called Radio Holland who supplied marine telecom equipment.

There was a stunning dutch bird working there, blonde, fit etc etc.

Looking out the window (tinted glass to minimise the heat) we saw her step out of the office and head towards her car!

The port area in Sharjah had a number off stray dogs and one of this bunch was playing beside her car!

She patted the little fellow, stroked it and the dog started to get playful.

Next thing she starts wanking the dog off. Dog was loving it.

I was lost for words, absolutely gobsmacked.Going through my head was "me next" and other such stuff.

My mate however muttered "Fucking Awesome"

Pissed myself laughing all day!
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 4:53, Reply)

someone elses post reminded me of this...
This didn't happen to me, but it's still a story worth of telling.
A couple of months ago, my boyfriend started working at a new job, and he was already told this story somewhere in his first week.

One of the IT bosses at his new company had, on a particularly beautiful day, received a new laptop, and in order to keep all the files on his hard drive he uploaded them to the company's server. Amongst these files however, was a collection of hardcore porn featuring himself and a woman who was in his team - they were both married, sadly not to each other. It also featured some random other people, cucumbers and courgettes, and a whole lot of human faeces... Sadly enough the realisation of what he had done dawned upon him a little too late, as he couldn't delete the files from the server anymore because just about every user in the company was looking at them. To make it even worse, it also contained a diary, in which stood what his deepest fantasies were, and a detailled description of those he had already acted upon...

At least he left it to himself and quit the exact same day, the woman however is still working there (about a year later). Ouch!
(St. Dymphna, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 4:47, Reply)

The little engine that couldn't.
There's a young couple in the flat next to mine, thin walls mean that I can hear just about everything that goes on in there. Except sex. I've never heard anything even remotely sexual coming from the other side of the wall.

And then I found out why.

During a hissed argument, the lovely young man next door yelled, "I'm not fucking impotent, okay?!"

I was tempted to applaud and congratulate him.
( is0lati0n, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 4:11, 1 reply)

wanks and wees.
As an 18 year old barman leaving work by the back entrance in 1999, Apocalypse in Cardiff if you must know, I came across a man who must have been in his fifties wanking off facing into the street. I didn't stop to watch, but I did wonder if he was thinking about the same girl as me.

Ashton court festival, a few years later, I modestly retreated 10 metres into the woods before relieving myself only to look back and get an eyeful of hairy minge piss fountain. I didn't know whether to keep looking or keep looking.

First post, woop de woop.
(GesticularDancer is sorry if my jokes been done better before, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 4:05, Reply)

It was not very long ago...
... that I realised for one reason or another, I have seen all of my friends in their underwear.
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 2:29, Reply)

Dirty bastards.
I live in an area which can either be reached by driving through the chav populated town nearby or the quiet country roads. Needless to say I choose the latter when going to work and coming home again.

I finish work at 11pm and one road I go down has a knackered layby which without fail at least once a week has a car in it with 2 people getting their jollies.

How is this voyeuristic you may ask? I get to see a fair bit, including them jumping up shocked and embarassed by slowly trundling past with my full beams on. Get a room you cheap gets.
(chakaflange, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 1:55, Reply)

Birth of the chav's
Before the term chav was coined when once walking home from work through the park, there I encounter two youths happily going at it on the park slide with a third watching. This all along a main route in town, they even said hello. Maybe not a chav but I suppose the multiple bushes nearby or the fuck off huge countryside was too much effort for them.
(g256, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 1:32, Reply)

About 7 hours ago
I was walking home from college. It's about a mile's walk, down a perfectly straight road, which happens to be rather busy.

According to Google Earth, I made it to roughly 0.3 miles away from my abode when I was accosted by a black youth, demanding I hand him my possessions or "get fucking shanked".

In broad daylight. On a busy road. Some drivers were already rubbernecking.

Of course, I respectfully decline and inform him of these facts. His answer? He pulls out his "shank": one of those tiny keyring-sized swiss army knives, and then proceeds to extend its tiny blade from one end, and its scissors from the other.

At this point, I couldn't decide whether to laugh or run, but the choice was made for me, when he proceeded to tighten his fist around the knife - plunging the tiny scissors deep into his palm, and making him shriek like a raped banshee before fleeing, presumably to seek medical attention.

I'm not sure what relevance this has to the QOTW, I just thought you'd like to know of my failed mugging attempt.

Length? 58mm, apparently.
(kimini touches your shoulder gently on, Sat 13 Oct 2007, 0:36, 1 reply)

Cricket applause
I remember at university, as where most of these stories seem to occur, when I was happily cooking my tea. I was just nipping back to my room when out of the shower stepped Eoin, one of the Irish lads. I said hi, just being polite really as one doesn't really talk to your mate when he's wrapped up in a bathtowel and nothing else. Trouble was, his Mrs then stepped out of the shower. I'd never seen an Irishman blush before that time.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 12 Oct 2007, 23:19, Reply)