At a cousins wedding many moons ago:
The priest says the obligitory "....speak now or forever hold your peace" when my dad sitting next to me - let out the loudest (smelliest) fart I have ever heard in my young life! And then makes a big fuss of how rude "I" was and how awfulof me to do such a thing!
This lead to a lot of muttering from the older folks, and raucous laughter from the younger crowd.
Nobody believed my red faced protestations of innocence,and then to make matters worse the bride ran off crying. sadly I wasn't invited to the reception (pah, dad you really are an old fart)!!!!!!!!!!!
( catweasle neither a cat nor a weasle, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 2:52, Reply)

Stupid back.
At an old friends wedding. Full of middle aged pikeys and chav type people. A few friends were there, one friend had 2 pints and that was his limit; (Or his calling to act like a gimp.) For some reason he was pissed and he and my brother and 3 others ended up on a balcony outside the main party area. This was during a full swing wedding party with up to 200 guests. He proceeded to do a Bark slice on the balcony in front of all his friends. I was not there but told in graphic detail by my brother who met up with me later. He told me that Ross (one of the onlookers) was crying with happiness and my brother was in a foetal position holding in his golden discharge. I saw images due to the camera phone my brother had got. The man of the moment met up with me later and told me amongst many failed attempts due to laughter: "I tried to wipe my ass with a bit of knapkin, but it blew away around the corner following a disgusted couple. It ended up in the party room."
(Master of Toss has piles, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 22:57, Reply)

A couple of years back
at my cousins wedding, after the service we were heading into the reception, the entire wedding party lined up to greet the guests, i shook hands with my cousin and his best man gave his new wife a kiss and one of the bride maids as well, but the other brides maid was a frickin beast, so i shook her hand, she left early and i was told she was crying all night... im great
( SolidGoldChimp, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 22:03, Reply)

When I was four, I was a pageboy
and very upset I missed the bit where everybody threw their hats in the air. I had been looking forward to that.

So I lobbed my top hat at the groom's shin.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 21:35, Reply)

er...
i was hankering after some irony myself ...

anyway ... went to a friend's wedding on the same day as england v scotland at euro '96 ... we lost, it was shite, and some years later the couple split up ... she was irritated that everyone discussed the score during the meal ... and as the minister did the ceremony (outdoors) i was the only sad sack with a discreet walkman radio plugged in my ear ... just as well we didn't score really ... "and do you take this ..." "YAAAAAAH, WUN NIIIIL SCO'LAND" ... "quiet you in the back there" etc
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 21:33, Reply)

I luv yooo!
It was my neibours weddding, and she invited near enough the whole street to her wedding.

After about 2 pints of stella and 4 shots of baileys, I proceded to ask out nearly every damn female in the building. Including the bride when I got down on one knee and proposed to her using a little plastic ring from the crakers...She wasnt best pleased when I threw up on her dress...


Only problem was I was 12 at the time, and no one had told the barman that i was ordering for myself and not the parents...
(Darkdevil, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 21:13, Reply)

What a pair
The wedding of an upper-class tw?t of a "friend" from Uni.

Best man's speech, speaking of the bridge & groom:
"And I think we'll all agree that they really are a right pair of boring cunts!"

He didn't get many laughs but he did get a kicking from the bride's brothers later on.
(wifeb3ta, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 20:33, Reply)

i was 10
it was my cousins wedding, and my uncle being the rich bugger he is laid on the champagne by the bucketload, hence there were lots and lots of half empty glasses lying around, so yours truly decided to be helpful and finish them up for the nice people.

pretty soon i was fairly drunk, and couldn't work out why everyone was smiling and laughing at me (apparently drunk 10 year olds are quite easy to spot), anyway, speech time came, at the end of it my uncle proposed a toast to the happy couple, who are now mr and mrs bishop.

i jumped up onto the table and hollered, "to madge and harold!"
(starfish, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 20:19, Reply)

My last effort as best man
Background - I had been best man twice before, both times in the 70. To my knowledge, both marriages are still going strong.

Cue to 1998. Best mate announces he is getting married (third time for him), wants yours truly to be best man.

Come wedding day. Ceremony goes off without a hitch. Time for me to say a few words. Start with the line "Well, I am well qualified for this job, having done it twice before, and both marriages are still going strong." Cut to groom going white, thinking I am going to make some smart-assed remark about his previous matrimonial disasters. But I behaved myself.

Then bride's father - some dopey, Shrompshire cnut, pissed as a newt, rambling on about some stuff. He collapses back in his chair a few minutes later.

Best part - dancing with bride's sister - bridesmaid, a lovely Salop lass. Lots of views of sweet white boobage down the front of her dress, which she made sure I got lots of views of. Bad part - Lovely Salop lass's drunken twat of a boyfriend was with her.
(Maclir, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 19:27, Reply)

Hankering
*Mnnngh Mnnngh Belm*

You Deacon!

You smell of wee.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 18:49, Reply)

Yeah Hankering's great
because you know no matter how shit your contribution it's better than his.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 18:30, Reply)

Got completely wasted
Oh yes, its a 'I got so drunk I...' story. Well id actually stepped out of the car drunk from champagne & drinking contests. And BEFORE that, Id been smoking since about half 11 in the morning, so before I'd even stepped INTO the car I was pretty high.
However this did not stop me from consuming £30 of my wallet in alcohol, £50 of my mates wallets in alcohol, and whatever remaind of the 1/8th I had in my jacket pocket.

You know those photograph moments you have the morning after?
One was me with a cigar in my hand, blowing it into the face of someone bleeding over a sink. Truth = Id bottled him about 5 minutes earlier.
Another was me rather embaressingly pulling a fat lass in a skirt. Truth = It was rather more embaressingly a GUY in a KILT.
Another was me sitting on a curb staring at my feet & looking at a Citron Picasso. Truth = It'd run over my foot.
I was hungover for the following two days

EDIT: After reading Sunny Delight's post, I have to say that I'm NOT a priest! =P
( Insane Maniac musically inclined (about 45°), Mon 18 Jul 2005, 18:14, Reply)

Worst Wedding Present!!
Many years ago I went to the wedding of a friend and the bridesmaid was from America and even before the beer flowed she looked quite stunning. Later that night I got off with her and she spent the night with me, whoahoo I thought, as the other UK single blokes looked on in envy.

A day later I had to go to work (on a Sunday) and do a 12 hour shift and at the start of the shift a rather hot burning pain could be felt every time I had a piss. Due to the nature of my work I could not leave and had to go the full 12 hours in real agony.
(Bazoo, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 17:24, Reply)

I like Hankering
he makes me feel better about myself
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 17:14, Reply)

Dear Hankering,
Please cock off to another website if this one doesn't meet your high standards. I can't recall a single thing you've posted that will make anyone miss you.

Love from,
( stevierar, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 17:10, Reply)

Ahh. B3ta.
Another week, another excuse to post some thinly veiled, pathetically ineffectual self-eulogy containing the same 3 anecdotes or phrases I've used ever since I joined the board. While I try to make myself seem big, bold and clever, see if you can't pick up the ever-so-slight telltale signs I'm a) barely literate; b) not quite in possession of the full gamut of human emotions c) as interesting as gravel; or d) all of the above.

Once I went to a wedding and it was so bad – like your stories, but so much worse, because this story is about me. So when I say I got drunk and it sounds like everyone else’s drunken stories, you don’t understand. I was far more drunk than anyone else could ever have been. Anyway we did some hilarious stuff that I can’t remember too well, I’m too ineloquent to express clearly or humorously, and which now, having been forced to think about it for the first time in any way approaching objectivity, I realise was only ever funny to me and the poor cnuts that had the misfortune of spending enough time around me to understand my personality.

Innuendo about length. The irony is that’s probably the cause of all my problems.
(Bubba loves sleep outs, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 17:08, Reply)

i think...
... on my wedding i cried more than my own mom.

i'm a bloke.

bugger.
( bierbelly, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 16:47, Reply)

At
every wedding I go to all the old ladies keep poking me saying "you'll be next" but at funerals I poke the old ladies and say "you're next"!
(Phagenius, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 16:40, Reply)

Start as you mean to go on?
Weddings, eh? I married my beloved on the island of Cyprus in 1977. I was a squaddie in those days, while my beloved came from a fairly sheltered background where exposure to squaddies is slightly limited. We decided to get married in Cyprus to avoid all the wedding-hassle, especially having to invite all her gormless relatives who might drink the bathwater or throw up in the bidet.

Anyway, the wedding went fine, we then adjourned to the 'Bitsa' club for the reception, then round to a mates house for an all night booze up. I parked my bride with the boring old wankers while I made for the kitchen where the heavy-duty drinking always happens. We decided to move to 'Language-State-Red', played a few games of 'Buzz', a little 'Spoof', the well-known 'Cardinal Puff', then burst into 'Father Abraham'. All you tossers out there who have failed to enlist in the service of the Queen (Gawd Bless 'Er) won't have a clue what I'm on about, but let me assure you it was a stellar piss up.

Every so often some-one would remind me that my bride of a few hours was still gamely smiling at the crumblies and wondering out loud where the fuck her partner was, but I was still climbing 'Sunshine Mountain', and so couldn't retire until everyone was standing on a table bellowing 'Youuuuu and Iiiiiii, Youuuuuuu and Iiiiiiiiii ad infinitum. She finally came to get me just as Paddy and I were performing 'Dance of the Flaming Arseholes'.

On dragging me outside into the fresh air for what I remained of our honeymoon night I promptly fell over a garden wall then refused to get up again, singing some song about the Magic Pixie while pissing 2 quarts of lager straight up into the air. My beloved had to go back to the party to enlist the aid of a couple of mates to drag me out of the hedge and cart me off to Paddy's house where we were staying. The first legal shag of our married life was performed on the floor of Paddy's kitchen, as I had decided I had the munchies and demanded a meal of pork chop & chips before I would give her one.

And they say romance is dead?

No aplogies for length...cos you know they're gagging for it really!
(Conundrum, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 16:25, Reply)

Tossers
The most miserable wedding I ever attended was that of one of my then-wife's schoolfriends who was marrying a Royal Marines officer.

At the church ceremony the happy couple had walked out of the church under an arch of ceremonial swords, and all the girls were swooning over all the nice handsome officers in their nice smart uniforms.
At the reception, the three of us young male civilians were generally being treated like so much shit on their shoes by the officers, who by now had changed into their evening-do uniform and looked like waiters.

So we compiled a short-list of songs to request from the DJ, hoping he'd have at least one of them. We hit paydirt with 'War' by Edwin Starr, and as it started, a murmur ran up the huge table where the officers were all sitting, as they realised they were being mocked. They made a scarily quick decision to pretend to be amused for the sake of appearances, but you could tell they were really quite pissed off...
( PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Mon 18 Jul 2005, 16:19, Reply)

Bastard Bouncers
Twas my uncle's best mates wedding. The reception was in my local village hall.
As a condition of renting the place, they insist the party hire doormen to keep out any unsavioury people (read: bastard dirty chavs).
So, me being 6 foot 3 and rather well built I was asked by uncle if I would do it. Why not?! Easy money and free beer.
So the night comes, I get a friend of similar size to help out and we sit on door all suited up.

I honestly didn't think we'd have anything to do.
Come about 10 pm we're very hungry so we decide the place can look after itself for 5 mins and make a quick dash for the local chineese.
On returing with our aromatic duck we discover 4 crates of beer, 6 boxes of wine and a third of the DJ's CD collection have been swiped by a bunch of the aforementioned 12 year old chavs.

Ooops. Still got payed though :)
(Is this it like eggs but better, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 16:17, Reply)

profiter rolls
never serve them at your wedding dinner if the stand up bit of the recpetion lasted just a little bit too long, with too much champagne being dished out.

the food fight was actually taken in fun by the bride and groom, but the father of the groom (the head of the MOD ) wasnt impressed when he was splattered with cream from a wayward dessert-missile.
(magictorch, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 16:12, Reply)

Hmm.
During my parent's wedding do, my gran slipped and fell over, breaking her hip.

Because the rest of my family are selfish bastards, my parents had to take her to A+E for 8 hours on their wedding night (bear in mind that it was about 10pm when she fell.) Cue lots of people asking them if they were getting married.

Despite that, they're still going strong.

MY COCK IS MASSIVE.
( Lightguy hail satan, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 14:52, Reply)

This image is still burned onto my retinas....

Mate of mine was marrying his lovely Italian girlfriend in her home country. Her folks were very devout, so it's a full on Catholic wedding ceremony, hundreds of guests, they've flown in the 60 year old Irish priest who baptised the bride etc etc As my mate is a Scot, all us lads were in full dress kilts, including one particular buddy of ours 'Smurf'. A few months prior to this Smurf, at the age of 30, had declared himself to be gay, but wasn't having ANY luck finding himself a fella and was getting rather desperate. But then, if you will refuse all dental treatment since birth and drink enough beer to give the appearance that another, only slightly smaller, man is living in the bottom of your vest, it can be difficult to get laid. Bless him, but Smurf's no oil painting.

Wedding is delightful - on we go to the reception. Lots of wonderful food, and more importantly wine, which Smurf is chucking back with his usual haste and enthusiasm. He, it seems, is not the only man at the wedding with an extreme thirst though... Night wears on, I'm chatting away to female mate when suddenly she stops mid-sentence and goes as white as a sheet, staring in utter horror at something over my shoulder. The rest of the room has fallen strangely silent as well - I turn around to see what's going on. There's Smurf, at the bar, in a full-on French kiss with the fucking PRIEST - who meanwhile has his hand up Smurf's kilt and is giving him a vigourous and obvious tug-job in front of two hundred gobsmacked guests. Both of them had got wasted on free booze, presumably exchanged significant glances, then just fallen on each other like starving wolverines... Bride's mother, who I don't think was the most homosexually-tolerant woman on the planet anyway, storms over, grabs an ice-bucket full of ice/cold water and douses them with it. They don't even seem to fucking NOTICE, let alone stop... They had to be physically prised apart in the end and the Bride and her family were so traumatised that they declared the reception immediately over. Pity, us Brits all agreed that we damn well NEEDED more booze after seeing that. Fair enough, everybody deserves love and affection, but full on toothless-lardie-boy against 60-year-old-priest stylee action I can do without having to watch...

No apologies for length. You know you love it really.
(scunnydelight, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 14:46, Reply)

Another one that was told me....
Apparently this happened at a wedding where the groom had been divorced twice.
All had gone smoothly, no embarassing speeches, not a mention of either of his 2 ex-wives and with the wedding breakfast over the DJ asked the happy couple if they had any special request for the first dance.
"No not at all," they said. "You choose something."
And with that the DJ went back, announced that the bride and groom were to take the floor....... and started playing "You're once, twice, three times a laydeeeeeeeeee......"
A jaw to floor moment if ever there were.
(Doctor Evil, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 14:27, Reply)

'Ave it!!!!
Best man at my brothers wedding and oh so slightly f*cked. Towards the end of the reception my new sister in law takes to the dance floor and following tradition throws her (very, very expensive) boquet over her head for some lucky girly to catch.

Except that I had staggered on to the middle of the dance floor at this precise point, saw this thing flying through the air and proceeded to catch with an almighty volley that Shearer would of been proud of before running off with my shirt over my head..

'Ave it!!!!
(Let's all have an asbo, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 14:23, Reply)

On pain of death....
NEVER GO TO AN EX-GIRLFRIEND'S WEDDING.
The first and ONLY time, I took the future Mrs. Evil, despite her natural reservations, to the wedding from hell as the ex- was marrying a friend of mine.
Not only did I have to contend with snide comments from my Irish ex-'s 7 or so sisters and her harridan Father Jack-alike mother all fecking day, by the time we've moved on to the evening do in a pub, the groom had gone home feeling ill.
So up comes my ex-, in front of the future Mrs. E, and asks me if I want to have the first dance with her.
Realising that my own life is hanging on the very next words that come out of my mouth (and Mrs. Evil assures me that my goolies would have been separated from my body had I agreed), I tactfully suggested that, in lieu of her husband, protocol dictated it was probably the best man's duty.
We left about 3 nanoseconds later.
(Doctor Evil, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 14:20, Reply)

silver service
Once in dire need of cash I managed to blag a job as a silver service waiter at a posh hotel in spite of the fact I'd never done it before and had only the vaguest idea what it actually was.

First day on the job - a wedding reception. First task, clear up all the pims, champagne and sundry other alcoholic dregs the guests had left when they went down for dinner. Naturally I "cleared" most of it down my gullet.

Second task - silver service for the wedding guests. Within 30 seconds I'd managed to tip gravy all down the bride but fortified by alcohol I soldiered on regardless.

I wasn't asked back a second time. But I still went and enquired what was going on when I realised I hadn't been paid. They still owe me, the bastards.
(MattDP (Squiggle), Mon 18 Jul 2005, 14:13, Reply)