Internet Dating
Post messy divorce, I dabbled in the murky waters of meeting people in chatrooms upon the advice of a "friend".... Jaysus....

Girl "L": Had a kind of internetty-relationship typey thing. All very geeky now but I kind of hoped it would lead to something more. On the surface everything seemed great, however upon delving below the surface the cracks began to appear and got progressively more worrying. Her propensity for gratuitous promiscuous sex (and telling me all the gory details) being one issue and her post date stinking out of my mate's kharzy being another.

Girl "J": Chatted a few times, seemed okay but I got the impression she was a tad "angry" for want of a better word. Met for a date and went out for drinks. On the way to the pub she nearly got in one fight. In the pub she tells me she loves me. Gah.

Girl "K": Seemed okay to start with, but made the stupid mistake of giving her my mobile. Phone rings at 11am; "can we talk?". No, I'm at work and I'll ring back at lunchtime. Text comes in at 11:30 "Didn't mean to offend you, sorry". Text at 12:00 "Really sorry, hope you don't hate me". Text at 12:30 "You aren't angry with me are you?".

Anyway, I ended arranging a date. Am in the bath before the date and the text comes in "Do you want to stay at mine? I'm all alone, ete etc". Whoa! Let's see how we get on first? Anyway, she was not unattractive, but being forced to watch Harry Potter (yes, she was older than the age of consent) and her repeated offers of a place to stay the night made my mind up for me, off I went.

Cue texts coming in about why did I not stay over, etc etc.

Before anyone knocks the 'net though, I've made some pretty good friends and pen pals out of it who have turned out to be perfectly normal and intelligent human beings.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 17 Mar 2006, 13:21, Reply)

Not so much me...
... but a friend of mine. Well, i call him a friend but really he was one of the most fucked-up people i have ever known.

I won't mention that his name was Aaron Wood because that might be unfair. But i digress.

He always used to spend his time constantly going on about the latest girl he had met on the internet. And the one time he came in and told us all baout how much in love they were and how they were getting married. Even though they'd never met or anything. Cue us all getting quite amused and taking the piss. Till we found out she didn't actually exist.

So he made up that he had this hot new girlfriend on the internet, then how he'd never met her, then how they were getting married...

Odd boy that one
( MadAdamUk was last alive on, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 13:09, Reply)

A bore of goths...
My mate who went through a bit of an awkward goth phase dragged me up to camden to meet some of his friends off the placebo forum. Goths...from the placebo forum...you can imagine the laughs we had. They abused me for wearing levis, were all heavily over weight with badly dyed ginger hair. After an hour of them all trying to 'out-kooky' each other I buggered off back home. I keep a picture of said friend of him during his make up phase with me at all times as a reminder..
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 13:08, Reply)

It wasn't on the net, but probably worth telling....
I moved into halls of residence on Saturday, most people opted for Sunday. One of the other people that decided Saturday was a good plan was the guy who moved into the room next door. We finished unpacking and my folks sat down for a cuppa. Mum being slightly overly sociable asks mr nextdoor if he wants a tea. I remember him being sat there in my room, staring into his cup of tea responding to my parents attempts at conversation with socially inept one word answers. The thing is, when my parents left this guy didn't leave... for months.

Everytime I was smoking outside the uni buildings he'd find me, everytime I got in from uni he would be knocking on my door about 5 seconds after I shut it. He was unshakeable, sometimes I thought I'd got away without the company of my stalker, but he'd turn up and follow me around at some point no matter how hard I tried to shake him. Unfortunatley contact with me and my relatively normal mates didn't enhance his social skills. He never said anything, just stared at the floor/his pint/a cup of tea/television. Scarey.

One night a mate and I were in slightly high spirited moods, what with it being friday and the SUB having a night on which we'd prepared for with several cans of heldeanbraugh super. Mr Nextdoor shows up. My mate and I look at each other, and telepathy occurs.

When the 3 of us got the the SUB we promptly started making mr nextdoor drink stupid drinks (Blastaways with double vodkas in, frogspawns, double tequillas), then holding the bottom of the glass when he started drinking so he had to down it. Needless to say he got in a bit of a state. My mate and I went off to score and told mr nextdoor it wasn't a good plan for him to come with us as he didn't know our dealer.

When we got back to the halls it wasn't long before mr nextdoor showed up. He was all over the shop. Staggering and, to my suprise, slurring. I'd never heard him use so many words. At the time we were smoking tobacco mix buckets, but we'd already made mr nextdoor his own special mix... which was all tobacco and no pot. This didn't help his already wobbly state and he passed out after smoking a couple.

When I went to the toilet I noticed mr nextdoor had left his room door open, so I had a look in the communal fridge, found a lump of chees and put it under his bed. I told my mate, who told me he'd done the same thing, but with 1/2 a pint of milk earlier. Oh, how we laughed.

Eventually mr nextdoor went to bed, and my flatmate and I seized the opportunity to take the stitch up a bit further. We mashed up a can of baked beans and splattered them down the hall going from mr nextdoors room to the toilet. Giving a nice, "I woke up being sick, tried to get to the toilet but couldn't" effect.

I woke up the next day and got up to find mr nextdoor stood int he doorway of his room looking at the trail of "puke". I think the conversation went something like this:

me- did you throw up last night, mr nextdoor?
nd- well if I did I don't remember it
me- Yeah you were pretty trashed last night, I'd clean that up before the warden sees it and goes mental.

I got back from breakfast to find him on his hands and kness scrubbing at the "puke" stains with a nail brush. Bless.

I feel a bit guilty about this now. At the time I found it hilarious.

He still followed me everywhere though...

Until one night, at a party I said something on front of him that I shouldn't have (I didn't know he was there), and he ran of crying.

He stopped following me about after that. He found some new friends. He even invited me to a small party they were having. When I arrived I was stunned to see him holding court to this group of geeks relaying funny stories and anecdotes like a proper oscar wilde... was this the same guy!?!?!? Where did these amzing social skills come from?

Looks like my group of friends and I weren't really the right peole to bolster this guy's social confidence.

I guess sometimes you have to be a bit of a cunt to be kind.

I haven't done anything this nasty since.... last weekend.

penis + length x girth = pun of your own choosing.
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 13:07, Reply)

Kingdom of Loathing
Play/did play an awful lot of a game called kingdom of loathing, some of you may or may not know me off there. Once met up with about 23 or so of them at a UK meet for the game. Everyone wanted to be called their nicknames. With mine including my real name it wasn't too much hassle for me but anyone who wasn't in the game but had come along... the g/f at the time for instance... was called a '+1'.

You, for the day, shall be known as 'plus one Laura"

They were mostly (besides me, aforementioned gf and about 4 others) ALL in gothic-ish clothing too......

AND, although the dude was kinda cool in a very weird way, one of them did actually have his very own full pirate outfit which he wore out for the day, complete with feather in hat, Soft leather boots, jacket, crevatte, eyepatch. You name it (pirate-wise) he was wearing it. I wonder who's idea the pirate-themed day was?.....

Check it out(see if you can spot the pirate):
Pirate man at the pirate picnic
( MadAdamUk was last alive on, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 13:03, Reply)

The Gimp
Me and a mate used to work at the same agency a while back and we had this new employee enter our place. We got talking to him over a length of time and realised he liked spending time in the chat rooms on AOL.

After a bit of research we also realised he liked the young girls in teen chat rooms, so just for fun like, me and my mate pretended to be 14 and 15 year old girls and got chatting to him with aol messenger thing.

A few days of winding him up ended in 'why the fuck did we do that?' when he sent us an image of firstly his cock and then his dirty wife's pisser.

Holy crap. Scary stuff not to ever be played with ever again. ever.

Subsequently another one of the guys that worked there too recently informed me that not only does he look like a complete gimp (hence the nick name), but also showed my mate his S&M room in his house on one of those 'fancy a look roundthe house' kinda things!

Fucking freak of nature.
(topofthepods, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 13:01, Reply)

Never met him in the flesh...
As a naive 14-y-o, I was having a sleepover wit a schoolfriend; we were having a video-veg in the living room, which was where her mum kept her work computer.
'Oooh, internet!' we thought, and logged on. We looked at some funny pics, read some funny stories, and then logged onto a teeny chatroom to talk about David Duchovny, the X-Files, and David Duchovny (phwoargh).

Pretty soon, we were invited for a "private chat". Soon after that, we left, and vowed never to use chatrooms again. This 16-y-o girl called "Charlotte" (or something) had started typing graphically about the sexual things she wanted Mr Duchovny to do to her. And then that she wanted to watch him doing to us. And then asked us to pretend she was a man and have "him" do to us.

It never crossed our minds that she was anything other than a 16-y-o girl called Charlotte. We never thought that "Charlotte" might be a perverted, sad old man. We just thought she was a bit mental.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 12:52, Reply)

foreigners
Skype can be a git for getting random people with but an ounce of english between them to try and call you and ask to practise english. Its when they start trying to be nic and friendly but overdo it and come out with phrases like 'i love you and have missed your company very much' when they're some dude in egypt trying to speak english. Soemtimes the english is that bad you have no idea what to say. I usually try to confuse them as much as possible by speaking in my best pigeon english with most un-intelligible accent.
( MadAdamUk was last alive on, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 12:50, Reply)

Not sure if these count...
because i've met a fair few of my past girlfriends on the internet initially and used that to get to know them rather well before dates, but they've all been introduced to me via other friends i actually know and mostly live within the area.

First one were pretty disappointing in the fact she were real hot n we got on well, flirted loads etc, but then she didn't like me when we eventually met up n so on, but she's been a close mate ever since. Same with second but but then again i wasn't ott with her either. Third i ended up liking her mate far more than her and although she initially turned me down she's been after me for past two years since. Fourth, well, that went damn well, lots of 'friendly' contact etc, we were on and off bf n gf for ages. In between her there was her best mate who also i got to know over the internet and so on. They're both two of my closest friends now. Couple of more one-night type things and couple of short few-week-long dating instances followed that. And then i got to know another girl quite well over the internet before asking her on a date and ended up being with her for the past year, although we recently split up. So, the internet has all-in-all been quite good for me. There have been a couple of other girls who i think i would get on rather well with, but the distance just makes it too much effort to meet up regularly and so on. Most of the girls from the top portion of the post were all very close mates or sisters of them or best mates of sisters of them, so it can actually be difficult to remember which ones were a result of the interweb and which weren't.
( MadAdamUk was last alive on, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 12:46, Reply)

Hmmmmm.
I can't actually think of a weirdo I've met on the internet. Strange.

Mod Edit: You met me.

Gleeballs Edit: Why that's true Chthonic but I thought you were normal?

Mod Edit: Nope, I'm a total fruit-loop. For example: you're my favourite b3ta member. I'll prove it by making you win this QOTW.

Gleeballs Edit: Really? Well you're my favourite mod overlord.

Mod Edit: Wow. Thanks! Let's get married!

Gleeballs Edit: D'oh okay then. I do.

FIN
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 12:39, Reply)

music
Downloading music merrily as if I control the matrix or something, and a guy contacts me via the site to browse through my stuff, says 'Hi, i'm Spanish. It great to practise speak', that kinda thing. There's me thinking how brill the internet is for connecting unknown folks, when he demands a picture. I say I don't have one on work computer (true), to which he responds 'you are dead'.....Yikes. Bit much I thought.
(ell, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 12:37, Reply)

mr b3th
nuff said really
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 17 Mar 2006, 12:13, Reply)

Thank Christ I didn't actually meet this guy....
I was about 15 and my cousins and I were chatting in a teen chat room. We get talking to this guy who seemed normal enough, saying we should meet up, etc etc (I honestly don't know what I was thinking...mind you I was 15!). After a while he sends us a photo.......of a middle aged guy (most likely him)......with a little girl.......in bed......eww eww eww!

He said he sent us the wrong photo.....yeah right!
(ThoughtsInsideADream, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 11:53, Reply)

Lesbian dating=bad
After a 7 year relationship fell apart, i went on the lesbian dating scene to fuck myself happy, sadly I met up with an absolute mentaler, she was an attention seeking drunk who sought peoples attention by cutting herself, threatening to kill herself, taking anything she could get her hands on, shitting the bed and being generally a bit on the odd side, this i realised after the first date, but she took some getting rid of.

It ended in me calling the crazy van to come and take her away on halloween, the funny side to this story is, I was dressed as a road accident when the ambulance turned up, after some confusion i pointed them in her direction so they could ship her off the the crazy section of the hospital.....nice...be warned.
(saucykipper, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 11:49, Reply)

I met
the Mrs
( Mastic, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 11:42, Reply)

Footballing weirdos
A few years back now, the English football team I follow quite passionately - West Ham (although i was born in, and live in - Australia...my maternal Grandad was English, and introduced me very early to the joys of supporting the Hammers.) were playing in an important FA Cup tie...

So I searched online for a likely place to watch this game amongst fellow antipodean West Ham supporters - and found an internet forum for such people as I (well so i thought, anyway)...and lo and behold, they were planning a get together to watch this very game - at the main sports bar at the Sydney Casino - where the main TV screen is a good 25-30 feet acrross, so I thought 'You Beauty!'

Anyway - I joined & chatted with them on this forum for a fortnight or 3 weeks or so - and they seemed relatively normal, and being mad keen sports fans - I thought 'No problem! We'll all get along like a house on fire!'...and so then headed off on game night to meet them at said sports bar at the appointed time in positive spirits - Getting there about 2hrs before kickoff the idea being to give us time to get a few drinks in before kickoff and get to introduce ourselves, and get to know one another etc etc...

And well - OH MY!!!...A bigger bunch of freaky-ass geek-freaks I have rarely encountered before!...And most of them ex-pat Englishmen, it must be said!...And akin to one of the above stories - the first thing to start to clang the alarm bells was the fact they all INSISTED on referring to one another by Usernames the whole time, and indeed pretty much - actively FROWNED upon using real names - despite me asking politely at least half a dozen times that they call me by my Christian name - and not my username.

This disturbed me for one...then when we went one goal down early on - the tears - the actual TEARS that flowed - from grown men - despite this goal coming only about halfway in the first half - just ONE goal - disturbed me even further...then, when West Ham equalised just before halftime - the hugs and kisses - full on the lips in some cases - that followed were bizarre...and then - one completely uninvited bear hug and a sloppy whiskery beery smacker from a 100kg+ almost total stranger on a completely unwilling cheek - was the absolute last straw for me!

So come halftime a few minutes later, I excused myself, saying I was off to the pisser...and then headed immediately to one of the upstairs sports bars at the casino to watch the 2nd half by myself.

I have never since tried to meet up with any such groups off the internet...And I don;t think I ever will. Scarred for life.
(Ecky Thump Mozzarella you eh?!, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 11:27, Reply)

desperate much?
Ok, i frequent a popular 'face' based community webshite, where i get messages from all and sundry.

One day i get this message off some bloke with the standard greeting 'hi, you're hot, wanna meet' etc. Now, i had just gone through a very very messy break up, and i was up for a bit of fun. This guy seemed alright after a few more exchanges, his profile seemed alright (apart from the occupation stating 'marine', but we can't tar them all with the same brush, eh?)

We arranged to meet up in one of the few half decent pubs in Exeter, and the evening was going well, we got on ok, and he seemed fine. Maybe all marines weren't crass wankers after all.

But then he had one beer too many...

When we left the pub, he boreishly slung his meaty arm around me, and started bellowing at passers by, calling them 'soft tossers' and so on. I was getting rather agitated by this point, so i said i was going home. He asked me no less than 25 times if he could come with me (i lived with my parents at the time), i told him 'no way' as i didn't want this drunk twat in my house. He seemed very sad, and started getting a bit aggressive, saying he had no way to get back to his base. I told him to get a taxi, and fucked off on the bus home.

Never heard from him again?

This incident happened back in early 2003

We went on that ONE date, and that ONE date only.

He still contacts me hankering for a meet-up to this day.
(chili_kitten Cheese, peas and honey bees, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 11:23, Reply)

b3tans.

( parttimedogfish is a Born-Again Reincarnationist, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 11:21, Reply)

The oddest thing
I came onto the interweb for research, and found myself here - Does that count?

Had to post this before anyone else!!

.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 11:12, Reply)

Online Jehovahs Witness
Got chatting to a guy on AudioGalaxy (a p2p mp3 site) a few years back about a shared interest in an Aussie comedian.
Thought no more of it until I got messaged every time I was online.
The messages always led into extended rambling diatribes on God and sinners and Jehovah...for fucks sake - I can't even escape the fuckers online.

I changed my username to get some peace and was gobsmacked when I then got messaged by the same freak asking if I wanted to swap some mp3s via email.

Said freak lives in Ballarat, Victoria which is hopefully too far south of my north Australian home to worry about.
But then again, that bloke stacking the veggies in Franklins No-Frills was looking at me funny...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 11:10, Reply)

Bloody Merkins.
The weirdest person online? Well, I had quite a lengthy conversation with several people who were sharing a head once, but they were all quite nice actually.

So the winner will have to be Crazy Nazi. Here's the deal:

I was, at the time, involved in roleplay on Nationstates - it was a game where you create a country, the actual game just keeps track of your economy and stuff but some of us would play out the actual stories of diplomacy and war in the forums.

So this 18yrold fellow I was RPing with, he has this nation which is basically Nazi America. In his imaginary world, which he said several times is his ideal real life world, most of Asia is a nuclear wasteland and blacks, gays and weird people get lynched. All his characters were lecherous middle-aged men. My first ambassador to his nation left since she couldn't get anywhere without sleeping with anyone, and I was fourteen at the time so that was a resounding NO. My second one was run out of the country for being gay (so I didn't read his rules properly until then...)

I had several conversations with him over msn, and he was exactly as freaky as his country. He spent quite a lot of time arguing with me about the genetic deficiency of Jews and blacks. He even linked me to all these dodgy articles.

One time, in response to a "what's up?", he said "Oh, not much, I was just out buying ammo for my AK-47."

Stop. Re-read. AK-47.

I reasonably reacted with a bit of a WTF and some scepticism... whereupon he promptly proceeds to switch on his webcam and WAVE A HUGE FUCKING GUN AROUND.

Well, aside from the fact that he was CLEARLY compensating for SOMETHING, it makes me quite glad that I don't live in America when I think about the fact that someone that prejudiced is armed, and still out there... that's if he hasn't done something stupid and been arrested yet.
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 11:04, Reply)

I think I might have been the wierdo
I met my ex-boyfriend on Yahoo messenger when I was 15, when all my friends were meeting their boyfriends down the park for a fag and some cider. They all grew up pretty normal, whereas I ended up agreeing to go to the same uni as my boyfriend and moving in with him when we were 19, and then getting fairly spectacularly dumped a little bit later. I used to tell people how we met and they'd give me these looks of mixed sympathy and horror... and I don't think any of them were surprised when it ended. So I've come to the conclusion that I must have been the crazy one for believing in true love, and destiny, and all the other stuff that 15 year old girls believe in.

I know it's not a very good story but I almost never have a relevant answer to these questions and I'm not one to waste an opportunity.
(supershinysarah, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 10:47, Reply)

I used to have an American online friend
(I still do talk to her occasionally). She's a nice person and quite creative, but a bit odd. She thinks she's a dragon. I don't mean she wants to be a dragon - she thinks she actually is a dragon. She genuinely believes she's a dragon's spirit trapped in a human's body. She's also several years older than me but her spelling and catachresis is atrocious almost to the point of illiteracy ('then' for 'than', 'empathise' for 'emphasise' etc). Also, she's a pacifist (so she says) but she works for the American Air Force (what kind of organisation does she think they are?). Merkins be afraid - this is who's running your country's defences.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 10:43, Reply)

internet dating
One Fat. Hugely fat. Only showed me face shots, should have guessed but I was young and naieve. Got of the train, got straight back on the train, I mean fucking hell, she could have told me she was huge.
After that, careful to only meet people who provided plenty of photos, shallow I know.
Next one was pretty but after tenderly doing her once she turned utterly psycho. told me she loved me, told me she hated me, told me she was pregnant, told me I'd raped her... utter madness.
Try asking a girl for a full psycological profile before meeting and see how it goes down! I'm sticking with meeting girls in the pub from now on.
(Stonkwood Pipes made me do it, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 10:40, Reply)

Nope, always meet really nice people on the net.......
but I do have a habit of asking people on talk boards their opinion when I have a sexual dilema. so might be a few posts about me.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 10:09, Reply)

Well, he's not a wierdo, but . . .
sit right back, and I'll tell you a tale of how Little One met Legless . . .
I was recovering from surgery late last year, and, bored out of my skull at home, I whiled away the hours on B3ta. As I had plenty of time on my hands, I could read every post, and I particularly looked forward to the ones by this fellow called "Legless" - it turns out Legless had a blog, which yours truly stumbled on, err, about November last year, and decided to follow quite regularly. Well, after a couple of comments on Legless' blog, we decided to email each other . . .
********************************
passage of time here folks, I'm not going to relate every little detail of how we met (Legless flew here to Australia to meet me in February, and I'm joining him in the UK in 2 weeks . . . yay!!!!), but suffice to say, we are going to finally be together in August when Legless emigrates to Australia . . . :)
Who says you only meet weirdos on the Net? I've met the love of my life . . . thanks b3ta, it's amazing what can happen when you're lying in bed, recovering after surgery!!!

Billabong Betty (the astute ones out there know why I'm called that . . . )

PS: if anyone thinks this is too soppy and wants to be sick - *pokes tongue out*
( Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Fri 17 Mar 2006, 10:08, Reply)

Internet Forum Meets
I went to a few meet-ups on this car forum I used to frequent.

Then I realised there was nothing sadder then a group of grown men walking around referring to each other by username even when you have already told them your real name.

Weirdoes!
(Minty Hit, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 9:58, Reply)

Have I Got News For You
In my time I've had 4 Internet dates. 2 turned out very well with nice lasses and a good time was had by all, one was an absolute nightmare and one was with a fellow B3tan which has turned out to be life-changing (That's with Mrs Legless a couple of posts above me.)

But I'll tell you about the horror story....

It all started when I worked in London for a big telecoms company. My job was as third-line server support and European trouble shooter. In essence, I sat in my office and messed about on the Internet all day until my pager went off and I had a server to fix. When this happened, one of us would head for the airport to fly out to where ever the server was while the rest of us tried to fix it remotely. In reality we might get a callout once every couple of weeks so we had nothing to do except play on the net.

I used to hang around a few newsgroups and a few techie chat sites. While I was on one of these I got talking to a Yank who came across as very nice. As time went by we progressed from chatting on the sites to e-mail and, as these things do, we became good friends and our correspondence became increasingly flirty and then filthy. She said that she'd love to fly over and visit me to put into action all the things we'd talked about but couldn't afford it. I, however could. I'd seen a few photos of her and we'd talked on the phone a few times so I decided to send her over a ticket and have her visit me for a few days.

As the time got closer and closer for her to arrive the e-mails and phone calls grew to a crescendo and then the day arrived for her to fly over. I admit, I was looking forward to her arriving and thought I was in for a week of filthy sex with a woman I got on with very well. So, one Monday evening I headed down to meet her at Newcastle airport. I watched the puddle-jumper from London land and eagerly waited for her to walk through the arrival gates. And then she did. The Beast. She was fucking huge! God knows how old the photos were that she'd sent me but there was only a vague resemblance between what I'd seen and what had just landed. It looked like her mother. Her very fat mother.

I was horror struck but managed to keep a false smile plastered on my face. Innate politeness had kicked in and rather than run like hell which was what my mind was telling me I allowed myself to be enveloped in her podgy arms and have the life squeezed from me. And she copped a quick feel.

So now I was stuck with The Beast for the next five days. Even worse, I was going to have to fuck this thing. I couldn't let the side down now could I? ( At that moment in time I was wondering how the hell I was going to get it up never mind anything else...).

And so we ended up back at mine place in the village. My main concern now was to keep The Beast from meeting anyone who knew me. I had a reputation to uphold. I installed her in a spare bedroom and told her to get some sleep - she must be jetlagged (I admit the thought did pass through my mind to keep her unconscious for the next five days but I didn't have the necessary drugs. Damm me for not becoming a doctor!). But, at that particular moment in time sleep was the last thing on her mind. She basically raped me. I somehow managed a creditable performance (and with this beast, creditable meant that I actually managed to bang her....) and then left her to sleep. I went to the pub.

The next four days were a special kind of hell. Being massively overweight I could have kind of forgiven and still gotten on well with her. A bit of extra weight doesn't bother me. I like all shapes and sizes. What really drove me crazy was the constant whining. About everything. The food was wrong, the castles weren't big enough. I drank too much (too bloody right I did! it was the only way to keep sane!_ I smoked too much. It was too hot, too cold - every bloody thing about everything in my country was wrong.

Anyway, after 5 days of doing my doing my bit for Anglo-American relations it was time for her to go home. Appropriately, in a Jumbo Jet. It was with intense relief that I saw her off at the airport and then I headed home and got absolutely rat-arsed. I'd succeeded in keeping any of my mates from seeing her (none of them knew she was coming over to start with) by taking her out to towns and villages miles away from mine. The nights were the worst but I manfully managed to perform my duties and I think that was the only thing she didn't complain about all week! (but I bet she did when she got back to the States!

That was in 1998 and I've never had the courage to try another Internet date until this year - but that one went very,very well....

Cheers

Legless
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 9:49, Reply)

Wascally Weasel
When people ask us how we met, we have a nice line in staring at the ground, scuffing our shoes and mumbling 'Internet'.

Ok, here's the full story, since I missed posting it in the 'unfortunate misunderstandings' QOTW a while back. WW and I met online and arranged to meet up for a drink and maybe a meal. I'm not (at all) known for my reticence, but somehow on this occasion a previously untapped well of the stuff kicked in as soon as we met in person, and I was struck utterly dumb. Since we'd already spoken on the phone and got on famously, this was somewhat alarming to both of us.

Still, to give him due credit, WW manfully tried to make the best of a bad situation, got us drinks, arranged the furniture so we could actually see each other despite the dazzling sunlight in the bar, and attempted to strike up a conversation. Since the paramilitary wing of the countryside lobby had been in the news that day, with demos and parliament invasions etc, he asked me the perfectly reasonable and topical opening question, 'So, what do you think of foxhunting then?' At which, he says, my face dropped a little, I looked even more daft for a minute, and then said 'Well, it's not my favourite thing but I'm willing to give it a go.' On seeing his baffled look, I suddenly realised that he had said 'foxhunting', not 'c*cks*cking'. Needless to say, my explanation of this broke the ice and we've been together ever since. Still can't understand a word he's saying half the time though...
(Hermioninny, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 9:47, Reply)

Urgh!
I began emailing a very helpful receptionist, several years ago during a project I was on with their MD. She was witty, entertaining, and hinted towards filth. Obviously this was all extremely good from my perspective. Our emails got flirtier, we began filthy texts, and she invited me up to see her.

I went, and saw her coming. She was not as described... nearly 40, badly dressed, scrawny, wrinkly - not the vivacious young thing portrayed or expected.

So I fucked off before she saw me.

Near miss.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 17 Mar 2006, 9:45, Reply)