P.E. Teachers
Not that I want to spoil anyone's fun, but before the entire board fills up with the same story we already know that all of your P.E. teachers were paedophiles. It's on the application form when they apply for the job. If they don't have a criminal record similar to Gary Glitter's then they don't get in. Fact.

Ours not only looked like Michael Barrymore's ugly stunt double but as soon as we got back into the changing rooms he would smile at us all and, rubbing his hands, say with just a hint of excitement "Right lads. Shower time!".

He would then watch us all going in and out to make sure none of us 'cheated'.

Dirty twat.

EDIT: Nearly forgot, our other P.E. teacher suspected one boy of 'cheating' and simply walking past the showers. His solution? He dragged him, naked, by the scruff of the neck back into the showers to make sure he got 'nice and wet'. He also used to call one of my mates 'Tiger'.

Grrrrr you dirty twat.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:58, Reply)

American Pop-culture tutor on acid
I studied for a year at Ripon College in Wisconin. I really wish I could remember the name of the guy who taught us popular culture in the 60's - he'd been an active participant of a lot of the events he taught us about. He'd served in Korea, been an army LSD-guinea pig (losing all his fingernails as a side effect of the massive doses) and carried on of his own accord with that Leary bloke in San Francisco.

He's have fully formed flashback / breakdown episodes periodically during his lectures. As he's scream and cower by his lecturn, the whole class would file out. When we came back ten minutes later he's have a fresh coffee and continue with an unabashed 'where were we?'.

It could have just been a cool way of getting a ten minute break.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:56, Reply)

I am ...
... the wierd teacher at my school.
(Havelock, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:51, Reply)

Going to a grammar school,
as I did, you get to see alot of crazy teachers.

Well....
Mr. Taylor, who used to pronounce things like tissue, and issue, with great emphasis on the last syllable, as in Tis-sue. Wore a cravat, too.

Mr. Walsh, who was routinely drunk, regularly turned up late and once during class, whilst everyone was laughing at something, asked "Why are you all laughing? Is it because I've only got one shoe on?"
He had, and no-one had noticed.

Mr. Fradkin, who was the human version of Mr. Potato Head, and who almost permanently had an erection.

And the legendary Mr.Nowell. More soon. He needs a post of his own.
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:47, Reply)

Mr Denholm's Assembly Fun
Every teacher had to perform an assembly every year. Usually they would pick a bible story, dress the kids up and let them perform, ending with some moral or parable or whatever. It was a great skive, we loved it. The exception to the rule was Mr. Denholm. I witnessed him perform the exact same assembly four times. During this assembly there would be no bible story and no dressing up. In fact, no pupils would be involved at all. He would stand there and tell us all a story.

It might have been alright if it was a good story, but it was a tale of how his friend had built a wall. When he was finished he wanted to smooth down the cement/mortar stuff between the bricks. So he walked from one end of the wall to the other and back again smoothing it down with his finger. At this point Mr. Denholm would pause dramatically. The first time we heard this story we all leant forward a little, waiting for Jesus to turn up and teach him something important. But no. Mr. Denholm told us that when he finished, his friend looked at his hand to find the finger he had used now bloody and worn away!

A hundred or so kids look at each other in an 'erm eh?' kind of a way.

Mr. Denhold would then, very seriously, intone "The moral of the story is - don't use your fingers to smooth cement."

Right. Okay then. It may have escaped Mr. Denholm's attention but this was in fact a junior school and he was telling this to a hall full of seven year olds. As a rule we tended not to get up to much masonry related fun. Thanks for the advice though. No really, thanks.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Je trouve votre manque de déranger de foi
My history teacher was leader of the Third Reich on the quiet.*

* may contain traces of Bronson-related lie
( badg3r :: what are you insinuating, you equity ponce? last considered changing his board sig on, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:42, Reply)

My A level english & psychology teachers
My school had several. It was, frankly, awe inspiring. These two are the best.

My first mention is without a doubt the finest teacher I've ever had the privilege to be taught by. Had a massive passion for his subject, really loved what he taught. Complete eccentric, naturally.

Brian Lance Secondname (cruel parents, I guess) always asked to be called Lance rather than the traditional 'sir'. This guy was probably the result of nature's attempt to cross a man with a fox: Rail thin with mad eyes...Something definitely vulpine about him. He never liked classrooms as much so, being head of sixth form, we ended up squeezing into his office. Lessons would traditionally start with him leaping four or five people's legs with a cry of "And with a bound, he was free!" He retired the year after and still has more energy than your 18 year old narrator, and recently went bungee jumping.

He did so many strange things in his lessons, I wouldn't be able to list them, but some of the best include prit-sticking a pair of paper horns to his forehead to explain how the cuckold thing worked. There would also be lessons in which people would end up standing on his desk in manner of 50s housewife versus mice. He'd often make strange "Aaaah!" noises while teaching, too, and his cries of "Chaucer!" have become legend.

He once decided to take the upper sixth class to a workshop for The Tempest...Problem is, it turned out to be a drama workshop - Cue everyone feeling like a right bunch of twunts while they 'loosen up' (read as: Wierd arm movements with probably gay instructor).

He spent a quarter of the year teaching us the Canterbury Tales ("Chaucer!") - The problem with this being that we weren't supposed to do that until next year, he just felt like teaching it.

His weakness was without a doubt female students (this seems to be a recurring theme throughout this QOTW). I remember the one to face his letcherous wrath in our class was quite small and very shy...A call of "Ahhhh! (Name), I'll need a word after class!" were usually met with a nod from a pair of large, terrified eyes at the end of the table (as far away as they could get).

Next to be mentioned? Scudamore (don't care about name, you probably know him). This guy was about 6"4 and about a million years old, thin, sinister, with different sized eyes. Taught psychology (explains a few things). Lessons include him jumping on people while roaring and attacking a soft toy with a cricket bat ("This is what a nice person would do...I am NOT a nice person!") When I tried to quit his subject, he psychoanalysed me. It was horrible, but I continued his subject. Bah. Incredibly intelligent guy, but had major anger management problems...Was probably way past retirement age, but I don't think anyone was brave enough to point this out to him.

Incredibly sorry about length, but I have huge insecurities which I must cover when on the magical interweb.
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:40, Reply)

Physics
Much surreptitious nudging ensued during an A-level physics class; it had been noted that the tutor (Mr Twatto or some such) had scrawled "Go home" on his hand in biro.

And on his other hand? "See other hand".

At no point was any reference made to this. I subsequently quit my A-levels after realising the assorted tossers assigned to (*cough*) "teach" me were a bunch of gilt-edged J Arthur wankers.
( badg3r :: what are you insinuating, you equity ponce? last considered changing his board sig on, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:38, Reply)

Maths Teacher
Mr Whitehall I think his name was, came in every day with a clean white shirt on, but by lunch-time, his sweat would have turned the armpits green.
(Oily, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:37, Reply)

Mr Williams Science
aka Baby Face a total freak.
Fathered possibly the ugliest twins ever seen, called the bunyips for some reason.

Anyway babyface would burst into tears if you stood your ground against him or just called him a cunt like my mate did.
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Pe jumpers for goalposts
Mr King student pe teacher
One winters morning on a frozen solid rugby pitch tackled a kid so hard he snapped the kids ankle.
Didnt see him after that, wonder why?
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:29, Reply)

Not so much weird as a little scary...
One teacher from my school was unceremoniously removed from his post for sending explicit emails to 15 year old girls. I was particularly freaked out by this as the week before he was fingered (no pun intended)he'd commented on the short length of my school skirt.

:-|

Those that can, can, and those who can't, have an uncanny resemblance to Jonathon King.
(theneuroticpanda, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:24, Reply)

Not so much weird as totally sadistic
PE teachers. I never liked them, but when I was just a wee lass at the age of 12.. hang on, that wasn't too long ago.

Anyway, first lesson, he lets us run up and down the stairs for an hour and a half. Should I mention that these stairs were outside, a deserted outside theatre and were covered in nettle and thornbushes? We had to run right through them wearing shorts.

Our PE lessons always were the first two hours and even in winter he let us run our asses off outside. Also, when he didn't like you (which was the case for me) he would just call you a lazy bitch and terrorise you.

I've been traumatised for life. I hate PE.
(thick as a brick I think a no, I mean a yes, but it's all wrong, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:23, Reply)

My first year form tutor...
...who was also my maths teacher for a few years, looks just like Murdoc out of the Gorillaz.
(VD maaaaaooooooaaaaaaaaammm, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:21, Reply)

We had a few....
Heres mine - Wiltshire Comprehensive..cosy Market town...the occasional Murder...

Mr Wilson - Taught Drama, smashing man, passionate about Drama, completely wrong temprament for teaching... had some fabulous outbursts. Showed us Hair...as in the musical...How you doing sir?

Mr Williams - Headteacher AKA ET..cos he looked like him - used to walk in the grounds picking up litter...

Mr Bain - Weird shaped head - taught Science

Mr Hutchinson -Beatles haircut - kept ending and starting his sentences with Shhh! - even if no one was talking... "Shh, now we shall talk about King Harold, can anyone tell me what he was famous for? Shh!" Married a very nice environmental science teacher...Mmmm

Mr Friend - used to get very excited about blowing shit up in Chemistry.

Mr Griffin - smoked a pipe behind the headmaster while the HM was telling about the evils of smoking - A TOP quality Teacher, never too proud to clip some cheeky young erk around the ear...

And the piece de Resistence.

Mr Clelland - fucking hatstand music teacher - Swore blind he had Hitler in his sights but his gun jammed, drank booze all the time from a coffee mug, dropped his pen so he could look up the girls skirts, and always made someone cry through vile whiskey flavoured outbursts...

Love Scandals? - Head of RE boffing a sixth former, The Deputy head knobbing the HM's secetary, Simon Folkard (aka Squarehead) getting caught knobbing Julie Ashman (I hope you two read this!) in a study room by the Head of Sixth form, leading to us ALL getting a lecture on the benefits of morals...


Length? I wish....
(Rockster77, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:18, Reply)

woo first page and so on
Not really many weird teachers.

The usual stuff with headmasters picking up rubbish in school grounds and walking up to people to ask them how they were when they were in the middle of chatting with friends... awkward.

I think all the schools I went to had minimum sanity standards or something for staff.

A couple of good teachers... Year 9 history. First lesson introduces subject with the quote: "History is bunk(crap)"- Henry Ford and at the same time "Those who do not know their past are destined to repeat it"- Who knows. And he gave examples of each too. I was impressed.

One Year 10 philosophy (yeah) teacher... all but me and some other kid were in the subject purely to avoid doing work. About ten times he stormed out and threatened to quit during a lesson. Everytime he returned with an hour or so to a chaotic classroom. Poor guy.

Japanese teachers over the years... almost always spent the lessons telling us stories of their travels, interesting facts, how to pass a driving test etc. seems none of them particularily enjoyed actually going through work, and were not too fussed about being suddenly distracted by a question asked just for this reason.

English teacher... some kind of raffle to give attention to slavery. I won. My prize was to do with him what i wanted for 1 hour ( within obvious limits). While the recommendation was some kind of study help, I got him to throw a single waterbomb at another teacher. he missed. i didn't care that much anyway, but a full on collision would have been sweet.

that's about it.

i think.

sorry about rant and such.
(riedacher_bertram, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:18, Reply)

Most of my teachers weren't that weird
they were just a bit one-dimensional. It was not till recently I found out that to become a teacher, you have to have a lot more skills than being able to squawk "If you don't be quiet you'll be staying behind at 3:40!" at the top of your voice - even if you are teaching in a mere comprehensive.

A direct consequence of this new-found knowledge is that I now have no ideas about my future career.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:17, Reply)

Mr Skermer
Mr Skermer was a freak of nature, a smelly, bearded individual who used to drool lasciviously over underage school girls and strike fear into the hearts of even the most disruptive of hard cases.

I often expected a Fred West style scandal to come out about him.
(ColdLazarus, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:15, Reply)

Oh, plenty of these...
although my personal favourite has to be Brain "Captain Caveman" Johnson, the physics teacher. A man with the foulest of beards ever to sprout from a living being. Like all good students, we attempted to make his working life a living hell and succeded in starting many a rumour as to what this Peter Sutcliffe look-a-like got up to at weekends. However, nothing, and I repeat, nothing prepared us for the day when he was seen on national TV attending some hippy soltice, dancing round like a loon, stark bollock naked and painted BRIGHT BLUE from head to foot like some kind of man-Smurf gone wrong.

He left the school shortly after that.
(Gomi No Sensei, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:14, Reply)

My GCSEs maths teacher
Was an alright guy really, knew his stuff, and worked hard to get us through.

However over the summer he lost a lot of weight, and by the time I came back in the 6th form, he was wearing tighter clothes. Rumors were rife about the school, and eventually he started wearing ear studs.

Then the announcement came out, he was going to have a sex change, and we were to call him by his new name. I can't remember what the new name was, but it WAS Mr Craggs, and now had to call him Mrs something-or-other.

Not sure if he's had the chop yet. I wonder if he'll keep it on his mantlepiece?

Apologies for length, but at least I haven't had mine removed *shudders*

/Edit
archive.thisiswiltshire.co.uk/2000/06/21/243022.html
I've found an article...
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:10, Reply)

We had a french teacher
who had a penchent for taking digital photos of the class to help remember their names.

Except the girls with skirts on, whom he probably remembered for other characteristics.

He got fired for perving on the girls, and being drunk at school! Meh
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:04, Reply)

I once had...
..an economics teacher who liked Joy Division - I thought that was pretty weird.

...and the chemistry teacher who liked to rub his crotch against desks he stood against, a practice evidenced once by some rapscallion rubbing some shoe polish onto corner of said desk, witnessing it's transfer later onto crotch of aforementioned chemistry teacher.
(mcnelson, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:02, Reply)

My first year English teacher
Used to leave us alone reading while she went for a smoke, had an affair with a sixth former, had a nervous breakdown and left.

Pretty standard really. Let me think about the weird ones...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 14:01, Reply)

sooo many
Mr Jenkins - gay maths teacher who gave you a choice of detentions or a light spanking in front of the rest of the class. He used to leave his hand there for far too long.

Mr Thomas - foul breathed jehovas witness maths teacher. Made the mistake of knocking on my mates door one Sunday afternoon..."fuck off you foul smelling cunt" was the reply.

Mr Patchett - Gay as fuck English/PE teacher, just very gay.

Mr Barker - School director, drunk as a lord every day, kept gin in his desk drawer, didn't really do anything.

Mr Jones - Scrawny beardy PE teacher who I hated, had an affair with a fifth former. I also learnt that after I left the school he got done for kerb crawling ha ha.

there are many more...but you tend to get that at posh schools.

Prizes for the first ex-pupil to guess the school. Clue: Coventry
(dukefukem, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 13:59, Reply)

mentalist
Our maths teacher used to sit swinging his legs on top of a 20ft high set of shelves, get our attention by shouting 'Rastus!' and buzzing chalk at us, was married to a witch and invented a new type of breakfast which included jelly.

Of course, he went properly mental after teaching us for three years and quit. Possibly to persue a career at kellogs.
(felixthehat oh this is new, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 13:57, Reply)

We had a physics teacher
who, according to school legend, had started his first lesson with, "Now you can call me anything you like, just don't call me Biggles like they did at my last school."

A deeper mis-understanding of child psychology I cannot imagine.

Certainly by the time he was my teacher, even humming the dambusters march had become a detention offence.
( chthonic, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 13:54, Reply)

I Had a teacher who...
Used to go into the cupboard in the art room and talk to the clay, he used to call it arthur.

also my RE teacher got the history teacher to check his prostate for him ewwwwww!
(Mungler, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 13:53, Reply)

woodwork, Mr Smith
Or the pigeon as we called him he had a bit of a stoop and would coo under his breath while he worked.
The best was when he had a limp and he walked like one as well.
freak
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 13:50, Reply)

my wierdest teacher
changed qotw on weds rather than thurs!

heh..

i didnt have any really *wierd* teachers as such, granted none of them were normal, but i do have a few stories which put them a bit out there..

firstly we had one teacher who lived a good 30 miles away, in the sticks. he got banned for drink driving.. then sacked, as he couldnt get in for 9 any more.. oops!

hmm.. second, we have the teacher who was married to another teacher (nowt unusual there) but at (apparently) the 6th form ball, she got shacked up (and preggers) from another teacher, who then wanted nowt to do with her. oops! not sure on the genuine-ness of that, but i've heard its true..

third wierd story is from a mates school - a few years back his teacher got caught in bath (~30 miles away) selling copies of the big issue at the weekend!! having a weekend job is all good (particularly on a teachers wage) but selling the big issue is a little harsh on those who are actually homeless. needless to say, she got the boot too..

my most random story is of my oold music teacher, mr wilson (ranelagh school, if any of you went there). when i was in my 3rd year, he was just retiring, and it turned out he had been there all his life - lots of old pupils there and the like. anyway - a few years later i'm up in scotland visiting a mate, and i get chatting to her dad - turns out he used to live in crowthorne, and went (back in the day) to the same school i'd attended a few years before.. the really wierd thing was that he (40 years older htan me) remembered mr wilsons first day at the school.. seems he made quite an impact on the girls by being the hot new young teacher.. guess its a small world after all


sorry for crapness of stories :P
(5lab, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 13:47, Reply)