Not sure WHY my job existed.
A previous employer took me on at an extortionate salary in an attempt to wean them off their dependence for outsourcing all their web development/maintenance to a very expensive company in London.

So, when a major project to revamp one of the company sites was on the horizon I was looking forward to a proper project (having by this point sat and done near nothing for 4 months).

SO when the London company quoted nearly £200k for the job (which for ludicrous reasons had a budget of £120k) I thought it was a done deal and put forward a proposal to do it all in house. I even got competitive quotes below £60k to outsource elsewhere.

Imagine my joy when they instead slashed the spec/requirements to get the London company to be able to lower their quote to the required £120k. Thus still leaving me with f*ck all to do. you hire an experienced developer but outsource your development...? Huh?

SO, I played solitaire for another 4 months and the day after my review (where my boss confessed concerns I might leave, but was now happy I was here to stay) I put my notice in.

I'd done bugger all, played games and not been offered any tasks that matched what I was skilled or employed to do.

I suppose you might say I sacked my employer but really I'd have gone nuts if I sat there much longer.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 15:59, Reply)

Usual
Between B3ta, browsing for whatever I'm interested in this week and www.kingdomofloathing.com I cant recall when I last "worked"

All on company time.

A lazy bastard is me!
(J.T Squid, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 15:23, Reply)

Being a till slave
I 'worked' at Safeway for a while; I was just a till slave which is the most boring job in the store and a bitch when your hungover on a Saturday morning.

I regularly turned up half an hour late, ridiculously hungover. Took hour and half long lunch breaks, half hour toilet breaks where I just sat in the canteen, walked out of the store mid shift on two occassions without telling anyone. I also took a ridiculous number of sick days, and often just didnt turn up for work and never rung in to say why. I did unfortunatly get to the point of second verbal warning. However I gave in my notice before they got closer to being able to fire me, then I did'nt even work my notice.
(kids_will_be_skeletons, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 15:21, Reply)

I forgot...
Like 4 years ago I was on a IT-related internship.It was kind of servicedesk work...so I watched porn and joint the local struggle for total power over the local (company)network with multiplayergames like SOAD,MOHAA,Mid.Madness 2. It was always a battle between 2 sites. After a manager found out, I just requested that I learned enough on this location and wanted proper 'guidance' so I went to the other location (it was divided separately) and just started over again. I also created a work group called 'SLUT' by a stupid mistake in the Dutch national penitentiary network....fubar.
( Floppy Donkey crawled out of the ditch., Tue 14 Aug 2007, 14:49, Reply)

Office shenanigans
OK, so too much reading of b3ta would probably suffice in itself....

...but boffing one of my team mates on a regular basis most lunchtimes for over a year would almost certainly have nailed it.

OK, so it wasn't during company time or on company property, but the flirtacious emails and copious gropings in the lifts and meeting rooms certainly were.

Most mornings were spent ogling her magnificent body and long black stocking-clad legs, dreaming of the lunchtime session to come.

Most afternoons were spent in a rosy post-nookie glow and congratulating myself on a job well done.

It's been a couple of years since she was transferred elsewhere, but maybe it's time to give her a call! :)
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 14 Aug 2007, 14:45, Reply)

Apart from spending all day on b3ta
I have a habit of starting things but I can never be bothered to finis
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 14:39, Reply)

At the time, I could have been far worse...
I spent 12 months working in London for a tiny mining consultancy firm as a junior consultant.
During those 12 months, I probably did the equivalent of a month's actual work. I spent most of my days playing games online or making up excuses to walk down the road and go shopping.
When both the partners were away on business once, I didn't bother going in. I diverted the office phone to my mobile and stayed at home watching re-runs of Sharpe and ordering Chinese on expenses.
When I handed in my resignation letter, it gave me even less incentive to do any work. They made me stay an extra 2 weeks after the date my contract terminated to train the next person. I was given a full months pay and a grand bonus for doing so.

In my current position for a multinational IT firm, the only vaguely naughty thing I do is read B3ta when I have nothing to do.
(Prawn, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 14:39, Reply)

I work for a relatively small branch of a very large supermarket
which for reasons of anonymity I shall call Coles, as that is its name. I've been working there around two years now, as a 'service assistant' and I have, over this time, developed my own rather personal style for dealing with customers.
Some of my habits include:
- Putting all items requiring a price-check through as carrots. I usually charge $1 regardless of how much it may or may not cost. When I can be sure no one is looking, I generally just give it to them for free.
- Being inventive with change. It can be hard to count out how much a customer is owed, so I often take it upon myself to create an amount I can be sure is greater than that owed, something I've yet to have anyone complain about.
- Never charging anyone for certain cheese. You can buy cheese in packaged form from the dairy case, or by weight from the deli section. For the latter, the price is often not on file and requires a price-check. I have always refused to charge people for this and I'm not going to start doing it soon.
- Creatively bagging groceries. We're supposed to bag items in a way that minimises bag use, but more often than not I just throw things in there.
- 'Accidentally' giving people the wrong number of notes when they get cash out. Usually one 50 to many.
- Not talking to customers. Most of them are not nice and seem to assume they can speak condescendingly to supermarket employees, and because of this the only thing I say to most customers is the price of their groceries.
- I swear to myself more than anyone in a service industry should. Sometimes at customers themselves.

I would like to say, in my defence, that unlike most angsty teenagers, I have never once intentionally stolen from work.
( Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 12:58, Reply)

just plain lazy
In my last job i left to go overseas, but if they knew about the dodgy things i did, surely i would have been fired.

I did have the advantage of choosing my own hours as long as they add up to 40 hours, but quite a few weeks i struggled to hit 25. I would get up late, check my emails, then waste the rest of the morning on the internets. Around 2 pm I'd think about getting dressed for work, but then Dr.Phil would be on. Around 4pm i would decide its too late to go into work anyway, and my flat mates will be home soon, and then its dinner time. This would happen at least 3 days out of 7.

Since no one ever expected to see me at work, no one was surprised when i didnt turn up, it was great!

Also, i stole a glass fridge from the office and sold it on the internet auctions, and when our microwave at home blew up I stole one of these from the office too. No one noticed....
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 12:50, Reply)

It took them 10 years to do it
I worked at a sports centre for 10 years doing various jobs - they even let me work with children.
In the early days I turned up many times drunk as it was an evening shift and there was not much else to do in the day. -It is quite difficult to put a badminton net up when you can't see.
As I moved onto to a duty manager role over the years I realised I did not have to do the horrid jobs I once did before, such as chip the pile of white powder off the floor under the unrinals (this was solidified urine as the cleaners had not done thier job properly for years). I spent most days playing on the computer and playing office Olympics.
Office Olympics:
Swivel chair races down the corridor against with my mate who was on my work wavelength.
Discus - using a pringles lid we could throw it down the corridor, round the vending machines, past reception and out the front doors. You had time your throw to when a customer was entering the building in order for the doors to be open.
Gymnastics - Swinging from one end of the 30 ft store cupboard to the other off the heating pipes or light fittings. (sometimes required gloves)
When the gym equipment had to be put away, we would play extreeme baseball all afternoon and not take any bookings because the hall was full of gym equipment! This involved diving off equipment, climbing over stuff in order to catch the ball.
I had sex with my boyfriend on squash court 4 during opening hours and I regularly used to sleep in the outside store cupboard overnight if I had got too drunk in town on a night out. (it was the only bit not alarmed and I could get the lock undone with a screwdriver)
When I finally got my arse into gear (about 9 years employment) and started doing work at the place. I improved their antiquated booking systems, cut all office processes down in time by 60% by computerising them and then got the sack for having time off for having to much time off in hospital after nearly dying.
After all the years of taking the piss I guess I deserved it but at least they could have had the balls to sack me for pissing around rather than being ill!
(Darkbex I have nothing to declare... not even my genius, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 12:21, Reply)

A lot of people work in my office
Sometimes as many as half of them.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 12:11, Reply)

I set fire to a colleague
with an air freshener and lighter while he was having a crap.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 14 Aug 2007, 11:51, Reply)

I spend all day reading question of the week
with the window in the bottom corner of the screen where I hope my boss (who sits behind me) can't see it. I'm living on the edge, man.
(Mysterious Gary is neither mysterious nor called Gary, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 11:48, Reply)

I hate my past, current en future job's
The last couple off years i'm doing crappy good paying side-jobs next to my studies. Currently i'm a student in Amsterdam, just trying to get the best quality of life. By my opion, you should try to look as busy as hell, but don't stress or tire yourself. You have a life besides working! So on my 'life priority-list' is first my studies, fun(drinking beer,drugs and woman)...and then working. So motivation to keep working is only to guarantee that I won't run out of funding for my 'fun'. I'm planing to start working with a serious resemblance to dedication for the job...will be probably after I complete my study, a year of traveling...and maybe when I finish my beer. Please fire me.....pleeeeaaaaaaase!!!!
( Floppy Donkey crawled out of the ditch., Tue 14 Aug 2007, 11:34, Reply)

My brother
Did actually get fired by a crappy garden centre but given his actions on receiving the news he thoroughly deserved it.

He was sacked near the end of a long shift one Sunday, cos they were laying people off but mainly cos his boss was a twat.

My brother took the following revenge:
*Mixed up the animal feeds (pretty tame)
* Set the till off so it tallied up the whole month rather than the day
*Put animal feed out in the field next door to encourage rats
*Mixed up price tags
*And mixed up the rodents that had been carefully separated into male and female tanks.

Arf!
(Medibot, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 11:01, Reply)

I love working in teams, me.
I get to do sweet FA for the entire project, whilst one or 2 really industrious 'bright sparks' do all the real work, pop a couple of brightly coloured visios into the project at the final call, and use words in client meetings like 'paradigm' and 'synergy' and walk off with a nice healthy bonus afterwards because I was part of the team that delivered the project on time.

I also (as discussed before) enjoy long boozy lunches and philandering with female members of staff.

In a previous life I'd have worked for the BBC, or in a government department, instead of for some deadbeat IT consultancy.
(LunarJim, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 10:34, Reply)

If you think CAMRA are twats...
Hello everyone. Long time lurker first time poster.
If you attended the recent CAMRA Beer Festival in Nottinghams only pub with a canal going through it I'd just like you to know that on that day you drank quite a lot of my piss and the piss of some other coworkers.
Lager rules!
(Engine, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 10:22, Reply)

...
There's no I in team, but there is a you in cunt.
(Milo Minderbinder, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 9:57, Reply)

teamwork!
I'm not a team player. I learned very quickly that being part of team means me carrying a bunch of apathetic retards and them getting an equal share of the praise for my work. Teamwork is a strategy of oppression and those who fall for it are weak-minded fools. That's why I:

- Never give money to collections for birthdays/leaving presents.
- Never offer to make tea or coffee for the team.
- Never join in any team-building activities (which we have to pay for).
- Never go to any leaving dos
- Wear formal clothes even though everyone else is in 'casual'.

I'm not very well liked. But there's no fucking team without me, eh?
(frankspencer, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 9:07, Reply)

more of a rant than an reason to be fired
i work in a social club that's apparantly to quote someone i know 'the most popular social club in swansea', if your from around my part then you'd probably know which one it is.

to be honest i just fucking hate the place, every single person there (except for people i actually like) is a fucking prick and i've wasted nearly 4 years of my life serving them and taking shit off them when i could have gone on in college and gone and got a better job.

also the place itself is, in my opinion, a death trap. i could write up a list of things that are wrong with the place but i don't know if any of the other staff are on here aswell as quite a few of them are absolute snitches so i'll keep it to myself for now.

if your a barman and get offered a job there don't accept it, it may/will be the best piece of advice i could possibly give you.


hmmmm, maybe i can get myself fired from there somehow?
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 7:36, Reply)

not my current job
but i'm amazed i never got fired working for a well known pizza franchise as a manager....

*not turning up
*stealing wine/beer
*eating literally everything and letting staff eat what they want and drink what they want
*riding a bike around the restruant when it was still open
*taking about 15kg of sweets home.
*getting stoned on a regular basis and locking myself in the office for hours on end.
*not doing paperwork
*claiming pick'n'mix as a company expense

i'm sure there was more.
oops.
(rollerdisco, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 7:23, Reply)

I work as a carpark steward
at a carbootsale, every sunday, with two guys who are good mates of mine.
we're supposed to work 4 hours, but usually "work" for about 2- which involves chatting and waving cars through a gate, and slacking for the rest.
slacking involves:
-seeing who can throw traffic cones the furthest
-eating dodgy burger van food (a form of gambling)
-sitting on a barrel listening to music
-arguing with the public
-driving eachothers cars through cone slaloms
-robot dancing to confuse oncoming traffic
-racing snails up the sides of parked caravans.
...and many more antics that i cant be bothered to remember.
and every week we receive a full 4 hours pay :)

-also i was once caught by my boss handbrake turning on the field during work, tearing it up nicely. He was not best pleased.
(biggiantmat, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 0:34, Reply)

I got fired and they never told me
Last summer I worked in a factory putting aerosol cans in boxes. It was shite but there was some good company, so that got me through most days. After a week of being fed up being told to go and do stuff elsewhere whilst the people that should have been doing it slacked off, my mate went up to the boss and bitched about it - in a different room from me.

The response: "Fuck off", followed by a swift exit into his BMW.

This was on a Friday. The following Monday we go back, start our shift and half an hour later the boss comes over and says: "Why are you here?"

"We work were."

"No you don't; I fired you on Friday. Hand in your work coats and leave."

Since then I have been wary of the phrase "Fuck off".
(Phase3Profit pees too much, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 0:21, Reply)

how about "why you shouldnt be employed?"
i cant think of any reasons why i should be sacked from my job, but i remember my first ever interview at a well known supermarket.

when asked "have your friends ever asked you to do something for them?", i answered "yes, my friend asked me to look after his cat while he was on holiday, but i refused as i am allergic to them"

"very well" says the interviewer "how about any other times?"

unable to think, i answer with the truth "no, my friends dont trust me"

there goes my job on a checkout!

3 months later i was working in a well known supermarket of the same name but 5 miles up the road. i took a pound from my till everyday to pay for my lunch....i should have been fired really
( Johno says the chances of anything coming from mars are a million to one But still they come on, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 0:18, Reply)

job? i shit em.
heh, now here's a question i can get my teeth into. i've been sacked or let go many many times. i should have been sacked even more.

age 16, cleaner in a travelodge. sackable offences: playing cricket with cakes in hotel rooms, not cleaning up spunk-soiled sheets but instead leaving them for next tenant, smoking dope in the hotel rooms, drinking occupant's booze, wearing 'fuck you i won't do what you tell me' t-shirt whilst cleaning. outcome - walked.

age 17-18, kitchen porter (read monkey boy) for toby inns. sackable offences (other peoples): drug abuse and alcoholism (the two head chefs), sexual assault (one of the head chefs took great delight in waiting til you had your hands full and then grabbing you. you've never lived til an uncle-monty wannabe has slid his hands into your checks whilst muttering "i'll have you boyo" and you know if you drop that very heavy tray of roasties you're gonna get burnt quite badly. knife fights for shits and giggles. spitting in food. sackable offences (mine): theft of enough food in three shifts a week to feed my squat all week long. drug abuse on duty, marijuana and speed, hygiene failures of the highest order (raw meat and desserts = dodgy stomachs), constantly being hidden somewhere smoking a fag and not cleaning. outcome: walked but was welcome back anytime. i wasn't a bad offender compared to many. for example i escaped the police raid by slipping out a side door just as the next round of lines were being racked up. i was also significantly responsible for the 600 pound deficit behind the bar the weekend the management went on holiday. i think one of the chefs paid that.

age 19, books expert for wh smith, oxford street. sackable offences: constant drunkenness, fucking with the EPOS system. systemised clubcard fraud, petty theft. outcome: sacked but managed somehow to talk my way out of having the bizzies called. in this case i wasn't as smart as i thought.

age 21, business customer services officer, seeboard electricity. my day job whilst trying to break into the music industry. did that job for 11 months. i was trained by someone who was trained in an afternoon by someone who was sacked for incompetence, who was apparantly trained by someone who was also sacked for incompetence. apparently it was the cursed job. sackable offence: at no time in the 11 months i worked there did i really know what i was supposed to do. i checked an inbox, put stuff on a spreadsheet, printed off a load of papers which mostly got thrown in the bin, and then i clicked some buttons. on the average day i was done by half ten. and had no internets. so i spent most of the time writing increasingly vitriolic, misanthropic and hate-filled unpublishable novels as the drug abuse out of hours left me a mental health wreck.

ages 21-23, agency temp. had a knack of finding the cushy jobs. eventually got sacked for walking out of a job because it was pony and not for the hundreds of internet hours, industrial sabotage, or drunkeness on duty.

age 24, lecturer. somehow i blagged a job as an english lecturer. it rapidly became clear i hadn't blagged it, they gave it to me as no other cunt would do it. sackable offences: complete incompetance and regularly being fucked on comedowns or still high from last night during lessons.... which leads to

age 26, teacher. i was a good teacher in a bad system. that's my excuse. the kids loved me. i was a dynamic action teacher who didn't do things by the book. i got results in what we could call 'interesting ways'. i was also a drunk and a drug fiend. outcome: i'm no longer a teacher.

since then i've been sacked twice more. once by an agency for being slack, which was fair enough, and once by a respected housing association. this is the only sacking i ever felt aggrieved at as i'd enjoyed the job and hadn't actually fucked it up. as i was sacked i was informed that they couldn't fault my skills or work whatsoever and my references would be glowing. my crime - i'd admitted to an employer for the first time in my work history that the reason for my occasion but above average absenteeism was due to my mental health problems. apparently they needed someone they could depend upon. and what made it worse is that it was all legal.

in the ten months since then i've managed not to be sacked, though i did walk out on a job for islington council in march because the manager was a cunt.

i like my current job now and behave myself. i'll probably be sacked from this one too.
(bluestreak, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 0:14, Reply)

Rearrangement
A good friend of mine works in a college at a University which happens to have an unfortunately active Christian Union (generally consisting of prothletizing fundamentalists).

One evening, after after some drinking had been done, we were leaving said college, passing the Christian Union notice board. Being the creative geniuses we are, we rearranged and discarded the A4-sized letters consisting the title, till the board simply read 'CUNTS'.

Take that, Christians.
(Merrep, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 23:37, Reply)

sticking shit to mannikins then putting them in windows :D

( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 23:08, Reply)

Not
done any real work for about 4 years
I just turn up and chat, drink tea and then go out for food. It's more of a social club than work.

I better check the Council Cunts QOTW I'm bound to be in it :)
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 22:56, Reply)