Thants
This is your boss. Don't bother coming in tomorrow, you're fired. We've dumped your belongings outside the bank for the tramps. Have a good summer!

Length? I haven't measured, but it took Roger Bannister 5 minutes to run to the end and back!
(Igor, The Evil Spacemonkey is behind you!, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 19:21, Reply)

My manager tried to get me fired
I'm leaving tomorrow to work somewhere else for better money and a month ago I gave notice even though I'd only been there 2 weeks and was on a temporary contract anyway. All was fine until HR phoned up my manager saying there must've been a mistake because I hadn't done it in writing - I'm sure someone grassed me up.
Anyway I was instructed to write a resignation letter by my manager and it would all be fine, and suggested I put "you can shove your shitty job and chocolate bar up your arse" in the letter which I'm sure would've enabled me to leave a week earlier than planned.
( thistle, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 19:12, Reply)

I think...
... that quite a good indication of my future attitude towards any form of work was that i was fired from my paper round at 15. Not even a good paper round, it was one delivering the local paper. Except i didn't do too much delivering. Well, one delivery actually... to my local park and a particular clump of bushes. 400 papers went there every week. Still, it took them 9 months to work out what was happening. Tossers.

I currently work in a bank, and judging by the state of my till differences every day, I should really be fired. AND, I'm not even nicking the money! At least my failure as a cashier would then be profitable...

I should also really have been fired from my job as a charity fundraiser. I just used to make up loads of pledges so I'd get my bonus at the end of the month, but i quit before they got the chance :)
(thants, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 19:06, Reply)

Prolly bin said:
WAY too much time looking at magenta cocks, posting stuff and reading stories on b3ta during "coffee breaks."

Being in the US, all the action on b3ta corresponds to my work day.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 18:58, Reply)

I just did
Well, not fired. I dunno what just happened. I started as a volunteer, a sort of guinea pig for my boss who needed to boss someone around for a course. Her admin assistant then decided to have a heart attack right in the office, leaving me being drafted in as a temp to cover whilst he recovered. During this, my boss decided she wanted me to work there permanently and nagged her boss to create a position for me, which he did, but company policy dictates it must be advertised. This job was promised to me by both my boss, and my boss's boss. 'It's just a formality, don't worry'.

I didn't even get an interview. Apparently I didn't have enough 'points' (read: disabilities) and I leave in two weeks.

I got so pissed off I tried to quit today but have been threatened by my boss that if I leave, I'll get a bad reference. If I stay and misbehave (had my first complaint about me today, woo hoo!), I'll get a bad reference.

In short, I'm fucked.

Did I mention I work for a well known charity?
(missc, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 18:56, Reply)

Dr Littlechris
Its comforting to know the NHS is employing doctors who don't know the difference between Thanksfully and Thankfully --- Im talking to you (Dr. my arse) Littlechris (two posts below)

Thanks you.
(L.T. Smash Humungous fail since, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 18:39, Reply)

Video Nasties
I used to work for a well known video rental company which shall remain nameless cuz i know damn well that one of the ex employees will probably be reading this but Ill give you a clue, its not Blockbuster.

I should have been fired for many a reason but strangely always got away scot free, might have had something to do with the manager being one of my closest friends but the area m anager on the other hand ooooooh what a prick of the highest order.

Basically the deal with me and the boss was I could get away with anything aslong as it wasnt theft and i opened the store up for him when he was hungover which to be honest was very rare and he always gave me fair warning.

So yeah where shall I start with the shenanigans,
1 - coke can roulette, a random can was picked from the fridge and shaken vigourously for a few hours and then placed back in the fridge and taking bets on how long it would be until said can was opened and the customer got drenched,
2 - opening new accounts and placing comments that only the staff could see, stuff like "MIIIIILF", "It would be rude not to", and "This guy only watched films up to the mucky bit then brings them back looking sheepish" and obligatory "WAN-KAAAAAAAAH"
3 - on incredibly slow days placing adult videos in cases that where being rented for kids and vice versa kids film in the perv boxes (i dare to think how many cases of kiddie fiddling we may have caused with that one)
4 - Video case baseball which is exactly how it sounds.
5 - ordering takeout from the pizza place two doors down and getting them to deliver it.
6 - Having competitions to see who could turn up the latest and stil get paid, my mate Tim won by turning up five minutes before his shift was due to finish walking in making a mug of coffee then walking straight out again.
7 - A picture of the regional managers face placed on a donkey with various changable speach balloons
8 - Racking up insanely igh fines on ex girlfriends accounts or other people who had crossed me or a friend.

They're just the regular occurances, the cream of naughtiness had to be after being asked to fill in one new years day for a store in Leeds, not a problem says I and off colleague and I go down the motorway.
Halfway there the phone rings and its the area twunt explaining the situation with the no show staff, Then colleague told me what had happened , queue me to try and get out the car while it was still moving down.

Turns out the day before the store had been held up at gunpoint and robbed, the store got ransacked, but strangely the police hadnt been yet to take statements (as i said new years day, I imagine they where all hungover) so we werent to touch anything, all good and well but how the company was expecting
us to run the store in that state was beyond us, luckily with being new years the store was dead, I must have served one person and even then im sure i imagined it.

So the day goes on we realise no ones comign in for videos so colleague decides we should order take out just like back home, this time we managed to charge it to the company so a family sized meal each followed by whatever else we fancied, now by this point the police still hadnt been round to check the tapes for footage of what had gone on so colleague then jokes we should fill the boot of te car up with stock seeing as no one really knows what gone missing, so we did tne boxes of haagen daz and ben and jerrys icecream, god knows how many crates of coke and sprite, bags of popcorn the most recent releases on dvd and playstation and much much more and we got away with the bloody thing to, plus we where getting paid 200 quid on top of what wed normally have recieved for working that day, how i was gutted when i decided to leave the company.

I left because some twat was ripping the company off more than colleague and I were but using my password on the system to give credit to customers accounts so when they paid with their hard earned cash and it was put through the system the computer read it as though they hadnt passed any money on to us but everything was balancing in the til, this was going on for three months in which time whoever was doing it had managed to nab over three grand.

The fact that the area manage thought the password system was foolproof amazed me, as your password was only your sodding initials, the fact that a few weeks before the money started disappearing the area manage had hired some bloke whod just been released from prison for fraud and theft and god knows what else and id had a run in with him, didnt take sherlock holmes to find out who it was that was doing it, but no cuz area twat makes no mistakes it couldnt possibly be Mr Criminal at all could it nooooooooooo.

SO i decided to leave after writing an incredibly snotty letter to the managing director telling him the situation and also letting on a few secrets about area twats under the counter deals.

I was let off, he got sacked and Mr Criminal got put back in chokey.

Some people may think its a bit hypocritical what i did but i like to think colleague and I's shenanigans where cheeky and fun whereas framing someone who could go to jail is cruel and nasty and incredibly uncalled for.

Sorry for the length but its nowhere near as long as Mr Criminals sentence
(Official Sarc, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 18:35, Reply)

call center
I managed to get a 1:1 outgoing call to coffee break ratio.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 18:20, Reply)

Gravy
On the hob at a pub a used to work at there was always a big pan of stock to make gravy.... I pissed in it.

At the same pub a kid pissed its self in it's booster seat. Put it in the dish washer with the dishes.

At another pub I ate a whole tub of chocolate fudge sauce and vomited. Had the next 4 days off with sick pay.


More to come as I remember them. The last one will be the best, the night I actually got the sack.
(Range, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 18:09, Reply)

Not me but some of the muppets at work.
I'm a junior doctor and as such have to change jobs every year on the 1st of august. Everyone does, and has done, same day, for the last fifty years.

So on august 1st I turn up, along with 150 others to be told about fire safety and get my ID badge and parking permit. (Both Essential).

Unfortunately, the woman (who's one fucking job it is) who gives out ID badges, has gone on fucking holiday! For two weeks. If I hadn't already been working in the NHS for years I wouldn't believe it.

Anyway in the end someone else turns up who doesn't really know how to work the machine and we all have to wait in line for 2 hours. So two hours times 150 doctors hrly rates. She's cost the hospital thousands.

But no-one ever gets fired from the NHS for incompetence (thanksfully even doctors).
(Tarquin DLM wasting his life here, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 18:07, Reply)

Oh dear......................
After our three-hour lunch paid for on expenses, both pooflake and myself should be fired. Our conversation was fuck all to do with work and centred round us resurrecting our acoustic duo and getting all the gigs we can.





Lunch wasn't bad!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 18:04, Reply)

yay, I got fired this week.
I was fired because I diddnt phone in once during a period of sickness lasting over a month.

I should have been fired for:

1.) Being drunk at work
2.) Being stoned at work
3.) Stealing towels from work
4.) Stealing food from work
5.) Having a large shit during my shift each and every day around 3PM, when I should be working (fuck it, the wankers made us work an extra 30 mins compared to other staff)
(Orkran Mild Euphoria Ensues, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 18:00, Reply)

There's no point in crying over spilled milk.
As a shelf-stacking teen I knocked over a milk trolley spilling 72 pints of the stuff in the Supermarket's walk in fridge. An inch deep it was, and the place never quite smelled the same again. On another occasion I knocked over half a pallette 's worth of eggs - thousands of 'em! Made a right old mess - and I fucked off home and left my supervisor to clear up the mess. Then, to add insult to injury I later shagged his bird.

Didn't get fired though.
(toomanydecibels has bleeding ears on, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 17:48, Reply)

Why sir, I do believe you're a rotten bastard


My first ever employment disaster.

When I'd just left school, back in the early 1980's, I'd my heart set on a career as an unemployable dope fiend.


Unfortunately, my mother had other ideas and, unbeknownst to me, sent off an application to catering college. I was furious and determined to fail the entrance exam. I sat the exam, which consisted of multiple choice answers to questions about bar tending. For every question, Every. Single. Question mark you, I chose the 'Nuclear Option'.

To wit.

(Q) A customer claims you've short-changed him, what do you do?

(A) Challenge him to a fist fight


(Q) A customer claims their meal is inedible, what do you do?

(A) Call the police

Etc.

Off home I went, happy in the knowledge that young Fanta could safely resume his lethargic ways. How wrong I was. Out of thousands, thousands I tell you, of applicants I was in the final shortlist of 250. Me, with the "Beat up toddlers" answers, I ask you.

So, I got called for an interview in a city centre hotel. I was sent off with a suit but, without my parents knowing, got changed in a mate's bedsit and turned up for the interview in jeans and a combat jacket. I was first in the queue so in I went.

There was a MILF sitting behind the desk who looked daggers at me. She berated me for not having dressed for the occasion so we were off to a flying start. I did my best sullen insolence act ever and she got angrier by the minute. Eventually she stopped the interview and, in a school-marm fashion, asked me what I was going to do with the rest of my life. "Why live on the dole off of your taxes of course" was my reply. This was it, I'd really done it now. She shoved the desk towards me screaming at the top of her lungs to get out. I got up and opened the door turned with a smirk and said "You have a nice day now, as for me, I'm off to the pub" She let out another screech and flung her notepad at me which sailed over my head and bounced off the wall opposite. It was while watching it slide to the floor that I realised that the corridor was crowded with around a dozen or so other applicants waiting their turn. I smiled at them and said "You'll be grand, she's in great form."

Needless to say, I wasn't offered a place but I did get a very nice letter informing me of this.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 17:09, Reply)

Last Tuesday
Had a long lunch with a client. Popped back to the office at 5 to pick up my bag and then went to the pub next door. This wasn't so bad as everyone does it from time to time. My problems really began 4 hours later when my director wandered in whereupon I greeted him with a hug, flipped him the bird and fell over a bar stall.

Luckily (ish) my MD was also there and he thought the whole thing was hilarious so there were very few repurcussions. I love my job!
(Milo Minderbinder, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 16:57, Reply)

I'm Dole Fodder and I know it


As an IT contractor I won't be sacked but almost certainly won't have my contract renewed.

As an internet junkie, I tend to let browsing take charge to the detriment of any work. There tends to be a tipping point somewhere in the project where I go into "Couldn't give a fuck" mode and cease all pretence at doing any work. I'll leave the browser window in plain view and won't care who sees me typing away on bulletin boards.

I also have an 'unfortunate' tendency to tell managers that their love of acronym bingo and eleventythousand meetings a day is a waste of everybody's time and that they can count me out. If I *have* to make an appearance, my sullen-voiced "Are we done yet? Can I leave now?" refrain makes them wish they hadn't invited me in the first place.

Christ only knows how many errors in software I've failed to spot over the years and the thousands of test case scenarios ticked with a 'Pass' just so I could get back to browsing. Fuck 'em, by the time the post-project post-mortem is done, I'll be long gone and well on my way to pissing off a whole new bunch of middle managers somewhere else.

I'm a sham and a fraud and I'll go down in flames some day when I'm finally shown up for the workshy slacker that I am. I'm the scourge of line managers everywhere as I need constant poking with a stick to get me to do anything.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 16:39, Reply)

Not me, but my cousin
worked for a very small engineering company - about 5 people, including him.

When out on site one day with the one and only company car and a trailer full of £40k worth of equipment, left the keys in the ignition while giving someone directions.

Someone jumped in and drove off, and becuase he'd left the keys, they couldn't claim any of it on insurance.

Nearly bankrupted the company and they had to fire him to make up the cost!
( Weetobix, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 16:38, Reply)

I nearly got fired from b3ta..
...for making hilarious Madeleine McGann jokes.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 16:37, Reply)

dammit
Got fired for getting pissed off when for the 5th month out of six i got paid more than a week late, upto and including the 16th (which means all my loans became bailiff problems and no matter how many times you say i promise i will pay on the first they dont really believe you after the fist 3 times).. i dint even hit anyone

ROK Media it was, but it was ROK's accountancy dept that were the bunch of cnuts, i believe they lost a few staff over the issue, but i bet the accountants didn't get fired :/ Liked the MD though, great guy :)
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 16:25, Reply)

...
Because I work for the Portugese police and I'm so fucking inept at carrying out an investigation I make Inspector Clouseau look like Inspector fucking Morse!
(Gomi No Sensei, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 16:19, Reply)

How Hannibal got started?
I took a year out between school and Uni, spent it living in Montreal where I worked in a cafe. I was utterly incompetent, as the following incidents clearly demonstrate:

- I ignored the clear advice NOT to leave the long-handled spoon standing up in the milk beaker (for making cappuccino), a choice which led directly to my knocking said beaker over and spraying my arm with boiling milk
- I dropped a bowl into the soup tureen, then tried to retrieve it by putting my hand into the boiling hot soup
- I electrocuted myself on a fridge door while trying to clean it
- I managed to tear my thumbnail off while juicing oranges

But my crowning glory was the time I was asked to make up a salad...

Lettuce: check.
Red cabbage: check.
Radish: check.
Carrots: "Hmm..." thinks me, "that lot'll take bloody ages to slice." I pondered for a moment and then my eyes fell upon the rotary meat slicer. You'll have seen these at the butcher: big bastard metal things with a circular blade, you put your ham joint in the chute, shove it back and forwards and presto! nice neatly-sliced wafers of hammy goodness come out the bottom.

"Well," my thinking goes, "it works for ham, why not carrots?" So I load up a handful of carrots, and get ready for some rapid slicing action. But wait, I can't use the metal safety guard because the carrots just wobble around...

Can you see where this is going yet?

"No problem, I'll just steady them with my hand."

It works a treat! Chop...chop...chop...chop chop chop chopchopchopchopchopchopchopARGHFUCKINGFUCKITY

Gone are the tops of all the knuckles on one hand. Surprisingly little blood, really, given the circumstances -- little enough that I'm able to mop up the worst of it, cover my fingers in plasters and carry on without anyone noticing.

Now OK, that's pretty stupid and all. But the bit that should have got me fired was what happened next...or rather didn't.

Looking through the big tub of salad, not a trace could I find of my recently-sliced skin. It must've been in there somewhere, but I was buggered if I could find it. I was also buggered if I was going to throw the whole lot in the bin and start again.

So somewhere in Montreal is someone who has, literally, eaten my flesh. And since they were eating salad, it's quite likely they were vegetarian.

Har har!
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 16:14, Reply)

Morse code
Once worked on a help desk for a large nameless company. Every now and then we had to send out messages to everyone in the company telling them about problems, this was sent from a helpdesk@ email address, for my own private email address that was only used to email people I knew a wide range of offensive signatures was used. As this was getting a bit dodgy due to people looking over receivers shoulders instead of using a solid line to seperate email from signature used a bit of morse code that read

"Fuck I hate working for this shit company"

And yes when I had to send out an email to everyone in the company I forgot to change the signature to take it out (rememberd to change the name though). The first person to notice it was the IT director who wasnt impressed and said if there was any complaints I would be sacked, there was a few but they all went to the helpdesk@ email address which I managed to delete before he saw
(Long time lurker, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 16:09, Reply)

I did get fired once, and I got a good QOTW reception out of it :)
www.b3ta.com/questions/debtpron/post66808/

Made one of the QOTW's best posts too :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 16:04, Reply)

My boss went on sick leave for about 6 months
SO, my daily routine became this:

9:00 - leave home
9:05 - arrive work & chat to mates
9:15 - sit at desk, read email, do "daily" workload for 30 mins
9:45 - morning break! Cooked breakfast OR coffee & cake in one of the work cafeterias.
10:45 - arrive back at desk, surf web.
12:00 - LUNCH BREAK! Egg & Chips and 2-4 pints of cider at the cricket pavillion bar on work campus.
14:00/14:30 - back to desk, check nothing has gone wrong, surf web and much network gaming with colleagues.
15:45 - Afternoon break! Game of pool, coffee & cake
16:30 - back to desk, do my own errands etc.
17:00 go home.

Even better I was the team leader so used to give my "team" the same breaks and sometimes insisted they join me for a pint.

After 6 months of doing less than 4 hours work a week I quit and went backpacking in Australia. Much to my own amusement I managed to time it so I left a week before my boss returned from sick leave so I didn't have to talk to her :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 15:58, Reply)

Because Im Tony Blair






Ohhhh.... Fired.

I thought you meant Shot.
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 15:52, Reply)

I second SiX.
Too many people know who I am.
Some of them might not approve.
Too many people could probably guess who I am.

I'm not thrilled about my job, the pay isn't great but they're nice to me, seem not to mind the constant internet use and let me go on holiday alot.
(Squash, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 15:51, Reply)

In various situations...
In my work life I tend to exude this professional, well-intended and organised individual who'd never put a foot wrong. Well, that's true, apart from...

1. Losing £30,000 of equipment in a delivery bay mix-up at a well known pharma company. The stuff was meant to be picked up by courier but I hadn't tagged the box and it ended up going in the refuse lorry and is probably on a landfill just outside London.

2. Wrecking two vans at the rail company I worked for - unleaded instead of diesel in one; lunching the gearbox and fucking up the ECU in one go on the other.

3. Telling a kid she'd done 'fuck all' in class. My boss said not to worry, since "no-one believes her, and anyway, I've hit kids in the past and got away with it".

4. Swearing at customers whilst working at a social club in town. Thieving booze from there was pretty bad too.

5. Pissing in various customer's gardens or on their cars if they hadn't given me a tip at Xmas whilst I was a paperboy.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 15:47, Reply)

I worked nights at a factory for a while this Summer
I got the job through an agency- an agency that usually only employed forriners and paid them very little. However, as I was one of the only English speaking ones there, I was given a lot of power (ie, supervised a lot of the departments, not doing any actual work.) I was paired up with these other two lads, Phil and Brian. We'd "supervise" the Hungarians as they sellotaped boxes. I'm surprised we didn't get fired. Between us we...

- Fucked off and signed out for 6am, when we left at 3am
- Tried to sleep with the fit Hungarians
- Sellotaped each other to the walls
- Invented made-up words whilst telling the Hungarians to do certain jobs. "Gustin, can you go over the philanterry room and start packing the geptrin?" "I.. uh.. whu..?" "GUSTIN, LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH"
- Took two-hour tea breaks

We were all twats, but we managed to somehow not get fired.
(__, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 15:43, Reply)

British Gas should have fired me
I spent one summer in the employ of British Gas to read peoples meters.

At first I was in a team, which consisted of my best mate as the "supervisor", and me as the only other person who bothered to do the job.

We would catch the bus to whichever town in the nearby area (having lied about car ownership to get the job). Then spend the day reading meters and send off the paperwork each day.

Now we had been promised an income of £360 per week... however it was performance related it would seem. The basic was £150 a week then the extra was dependent on the number of meters you read, and lets just say to get £360 per week I'd have to read 1200 meters a week... so 200 a day for 6 days.
One day I deliberately only read ones with outside cupboards and still only managed 140 meters in a 10 hour day.

After 2 weeks my mate quit and I was promoted to team supervisor! A team of me alone...
So now I got £170 a week and the realisation that unless I did over 600 meters I would only get the basic rate anyway.

So I didn't try anymore. I went and sat in the park with a big bottle of cider and read about 20 outside meters a day. Did that all summer long and eventually I went back to uni in late september so left about 15,000 gas meters unread in the Hertfordshire region.

What's more I still had to phone up and quit and the only thing they were fussed about was my id badge.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 15:33, Reply)