Sticks and stones (and coathangers)
It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of years back that I look like a foetus (small features, big forehead.) Thus, I was nicknamed, with stunning ingenuity, The Foetus. Various friends have amused themselves making jokes around the theme, wombs, umbilical cords, ultrasound scans etc.

The best however was a drunken friend chasing me round a pub carpark in front of a busload of suprised grans, brandishing an unbent wire coathanger and loudly and repeatedly threatening to abort me.

The Foetus. Now come on, that is bad.
(jennymnemonic, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:19, Reply)

Resurrection Saga......
There was a lad at my school who went by the name of Jesus, not because he had long hair, but because he had once come back from the dead. Apparently his mother had killed herself, and he was having a bit of a tough time psychologically. One morning he woke and didn't fancy school much, so without giving it too much thought, he called in, pretended to be his own father, and told the school that he had died suddenly in the night. He then proceeded to have a cup of tea and watch the telly, like you do when skiving.

At school, however, it was all kicking off. His mates were mostly the hard biker/mettaller types, and many of them were in tears (he hadn't told anyone he was going to do this). There was a special memorial assembly very hastily arranged, to help the kids deal with it all, and the school was in uproar. This continued until the headmistress and two other teachers went to his house with flowers to offer their condolences........and he answered the door.

His friends were torn between being as angry as hell at him, and having the hugest respect, and from that day forward, he was known as Jesus!
(Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou, Mon 22 May 2006, 16:17, Reply)

The girl at my school...
...who everyone called ATARI due to her brother catching her in the act with said controller.
( teknikl, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:46, Reply)

What an ogre!
While on the way to a party at a clubhouse, a friend and myself were completely lost. We figured the best course of action was to phone up direct enquries, then the clubhouse itself and ask for directions.

The barman was less than helpful, as he didn't have a clue where we were. So, I kindly asked him to put one of our friends on the phone who had already arrived. However, this proved to be a problem as the place was full and the Barman asked me to be more specific.

"His name is Gary" I said, figuring this was specific enough.

Off the barman goes, then 5 minutes later he comes back and says he can't find him. I figure that I really need to be specific this time so I give as good a description as I can.

"He's big, fat, ugly, wears a denim jacket, has crap hair etc etc"

Off the barman goes, but again no luck, Gary is no where to be found. By this time I'm thinking it's probably better to give up.

"Oh, for fuck sake...umm...well" I mutter.

at this point my mate takes the phone from me and says to the barman

"he looks like shrek."

We hear laughter down the phone, then the barman composes himself and says "Oh right, just a sec".

a couple of seconds later I hear Gary's voice on the other end of the phone.

"Hey, it's Gary, what do you want?"

Much laughter follows. I couldn't believe that the barman had actually found him cos of that.

Guess what Gary's nickname is now?
( Regger, Sat 20 May 2006, 18:55, Reply)

Cruel, cruel children.
Kid at school was from a family of Jehova's witnesses. Kid was known (even to teachers) as "Knock Knock."
(fixit, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:48, Reply)

Logger
Three junior schools filtered into our high school.

Week one was spent checking out the fit birds who came from the other schools, hearing the dirty rumours about said birds, and watching the slack jawed retards clash to determine who was the hardest in the school.

We met a lad on our first day who was introduced as Logger.Initially he seemed more popular than most of the council estate white trash I schooled with, as alot of his junior school mates seemed at pains to introduce him to the rest of the school.

In hindsight, I ought to have been suspicious, this was, after all, the eighties, "john's not mad" was still fresh in our pre adolescent minds, and " joey deacon" was still the insult de jour.

The reason they were so anxious to introduce him was that, Logger, had pleaded with them not to perpetuate his nickname. A nickname he earned, aged 5, first week at school, when he shit himself.

It didn't end here, every time a new kid turned up at school, during his orientation someone made sure logger's secret was passed on.

At sixth form same thing happened. He left half way through sixth form.

Finally, logger got his first job, at a branch of the Nat West 11 miles from our home town. I can only presume he thought it would be a fresh start, where people would refer to him by his christened name! Sadly, no, someone during school lunch hour got on a bus travelled 11 miles walked up to the fittest female trainee bank clerk and said, " excuse me do you know XXXXX XXXXX?, you do? well aged 5 he shit himself, and since then he's been called logger, can you carry on the good work?" she agreed, and still to this day, aged 32 he's still referred to as Logger.
(g0atboy, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:45, Reply)

Poor sod....
There was this kid at school, I won't name him, but he looked ah....simian. So he got nicknamed Chimp.

Then the acne came, full blown face mutilating pustrosity....and the remake of The Fly had just come out.

Hence the moniker 'Brundlechimp'.

We were cruel little bastards.
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:27, Reply)

Wallmark
Wallmark got his name due to his aerobic wanking abilities. He had one of those height measurer things on his bedroom wall from when he was younger and used to lie on his bedroom floor and see how high up the chart he could shoot his load. He also had a favourite wanking position. According to him, you could achieve better results if you put your arm under your leg as at the point of no return, the leg would spasm and cause the trajectory of the emission to go straight at the giraffes head (think playschool measuring charts) and not miss the wall entirely. He also advocated the use of salad cream in a condom for a posh wank as the stinging sensation was just enough to delay the critical moment without being too painful. Bless him.
( no longer a user, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:23, Reply)

Unfortunate German nickname
A few years ago, my company had an office in Germany which employed an extremely pleasant, mild-mannered sales guy called "Werner".

In true xenophobic style he acquired the nickname "Bunsen" - a contraction of "Bunsen Werner the Jew Burner", which seemed a little harsh.
(Super Jet Shoes, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:47, Reply)

A friend of mine got a new job.
On his first day, one of his co-workers (Jim, or something) was showing him around the office. When they got to one cubicle, Jim whispered to him:

"Okay, I'm going to introduce you to Steve. Now, whatever you do, DO NOT call him Michael."

"Why not?"

"Just don't. Really. Trust me."

Steve turned out to be a pretty decent guy, but it was all my friend could do was not call him Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael. He nearly slipped several times and called him Michael. This went on for something like two years.

My friend and Steve got to be good friends. Finally my friend couldn't take it anymore. He just out and asked him why he shouldn't ever call him Michael.

"I don't know. Who told you that?"

"Jim did, on my first day."

"Oh, that's just Jim. He messes with new guys like that."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 19 May 2006, 14:19, Reply)

How very PC
I feel bad about this now...

A pakistani guy (Ameet) in my class got nicknamed Teabag.

He was safe as houses and didn't give a shit.

A teacher tried to tell us off for calling him Teabag. Ameet calmly said something along the lines of: It's just a nickname miss, I don't really mind, my skin is kind of brown... and it's beeter than being called "Shit your pants" like Peter.

Not bad for a 7 year old, I still smile when I think about the look on said teachers face.

Ameet, I take my hat of to you sir.
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 19 May 2006, 13:20, Reply)

OK, picture a mountain biking accident many years ago
Friend of mine (called Basil, so that's a bad start anyway), out riding, he got his weight a bit low over the rear tyre going quickly down a steep drop-off .. he was wearing loose shorts .. 3" gash in the scrotum, right testicle drops out. Somehow gets to hospital with the other pod intact but the right one has to go, too much risk of infection or something

You'd think some sympathy perhaps? Oh good God no. For the rest of his natural, this chap will be known as Womble.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:05, Reply)

I had a physics teacher
who, according to school legend, had opened his first lesson with "I'm an easy going chap - you can call me anything you like. Except Biggles."

By the time I was there, things had escalated to the point that whistling the Dambusters march or using your fingers as goggles was a detention offence.

I've posted this before in answer to another question, haven't I?
( chthonic, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:55, Reply)

Nicknames? Nope, never had one.
I've been very fortunate that no-one has ever seen humour in, or reason to ridicule, my name.
(Eduardo Pissmitten., Tue 23 May 2006, 22:58, Reply)

Nothing a little op didn't sort out...............
.. but when I worked for the local youth centre, there was a lad there who had a huge cyst in the middle of his forehead.

It really was a size, and I would say at it's peak, absolutely no pun intended, it stood a good inch from his face. No shit.

Instead of trying to imagine themselves in this lad's shoes and showing a scrap of compassion, his peers openly called him 'Turbo Tithead'.

You can imagine how thrilled he was by that.
(Kit-Koo, Mon 22 May 2006, 21:08, Reply)

In the middle of a busy shopping centre there was a family walking along,
the woman stopped to look in the window of a shop, leaving her bloke and 2 kiddies merrily walking in front, all of a sudden he stops, turns round, sees she's not there. He looked, clocked her and bellowed (in front of all and sundry inc the kids) "Oi, cumbucket, hurry up!"


She looked over and then duely followed...nice.
( diffy maybs, Sat 20 May 2006, 10:25, Reply)

A mate of mine,
His name is Steve, but he was dubbed Steve the Cunt. We gave out a "Cunt of the month award" every month, and he won, everytime.

And we never shortened it. One time he almost got hit by a car, I yelled out "Steve the cunt! watch out!"
(Human, Thu 18 May 2006, 18:43, Reply)

Shitty Shelley
a friend of a friend called Shelley was at a party when this guy she really fancied started chatting her up. before this point she had been seriously considering calling it a night as she wasn't feeling too great and had been having the runs pretty badly, but she had been after this guy for years, so she stayed and one thing led to another until they were on their way upstairs together. They found an empty bedroom and got going - as they were having sex her poor tortured gut decided to let go and warm liquid shit flowed out all over the place, but it wasn't until the smell reached the nostrils of her beau that he noticed anything was wrong - apparently at that point, noticing he was covered in feces, he ran for it - literally! She was quickly discovered by confused partygoers but to give the girl credit, she freely introduced herself as shitty shelley for a good number of years after.
(I_AM_MY_EVIL_TWIN_SELF, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:14, Reply)

well...
i like wanking
(tugger blah fucking blah, Mon 22 May 2006, 17:22, Reply)

ThunderCats
At primary school Thunder Cats was really popular, the bad character being Mum-Ra.

One girls admission to a friend that she once tried her mums underwear on became common knowledge and she became known as Mum-Bra for the rest of her school career.

Magic
(crumb, Fri 19 May 2006, 12:44, Reply)

The best nicknames have no meaning
We had a housemate at University whom we one day took to calling "The Milky Bar Kid". Why? No reason whatsoever. We chose the name totally at random to drive him nuts. It worked. He spent about three months coming out with hypotheses:

Him: Is it because I drink milky tea?
Us: No, keep guessing.
...
Him: Er, is it because you found out about the time I jizzed on Susanne X's bosums?
Us: (cough) No, keep guessing (snigger)

So not only did it drive him mad trying to guess, we also discovered all his dirty secrets. Fucking genius.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 19 May 2006, 12:25, Reply)

More of a title than a nickname.
I went to uni with this chap named Herok. We allowed him his name, though when we wished to summon him he would be called:

Herok, DESTROYER OF WOOORLDS!

When saying the "DESTROYER OF WOOORLDS!" part, you need to amplify it and say it like the sinister and enthusiastic voice from movie trailers.
(God_of_the_mind, Fri 19 May 2006, 11:39, Reply)

There are a couple...
I once heard of a guy who's name was Tony Hancock, he was named "PARTS" atfer the various body parts his name reflected.. Toe, Knee, Hand, Cock. Funny stuff I thought.

My favourite one is a man I know who lost most of his fingers on one hand due to a panel saw accident. We all refer to him as "The Clock", because one hand is shorter than the other.
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Fri 19 May 2006, 4:26, Reply)

Nik Nak
There was this kid when I was at school people called 'Nik Nak'... not because he bore any resemblance to a Bond villain, but because he had some kind of deformity that meant his head was mishapen like the crisp... harsh...
(Siu Loong, Thu 18 May 2006, 20:33, Reply)

A Few From My Village



Landlord of my local pub is known as Fester as he's a dead-ringer for Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. He used to have a barman who was known as Thing.

We've also a chap in the village called "Mick The Bastard". He's *always* referred to by his full name - Mick The Bastard.

Story has it that he was arrested and hauled up before the judge. The clerk of the court read the charges out and then asked:

"Can you confirm that you are Mick McNamara of blah-blah-blah?" asked the clerk.

"No" says Mick
"What?" says the judge
"I'm Mick "The Bastard" McNamara. I had my name changed by deed poll last week"

As he wasn't the person named on the charge sheet they had to let him go and re-arrest him in his new name and set a new court date.

He turns up in court and the Clerk says:

"Are you Mick "The Bastard" McNamara of blah-blah-blah?"
"No" says Mick. "I'm Mick McNamara - I had my name changed back last week by deed poll"

So they had to let him go again. They got him eventually though.

I've never examined the details of this story closely to see if it is actually possible to annoy the justice system by doing this. I liked the story too much to let a mere thing like truth get in the way...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:35, Reply)

My college nickname
One afternoon, I was hanging around the lounge in the dorm and two women (Donna and Vicki) were talking about walking into town to get a prescription filled. This was winter in northern Wisconsin, and it couldn't have been more than 10 F degrees outside (that's -12 C, for you metric folks) and it was about a mile into town. So I volunteered to take them in my car.

On my dashboard, I had a porcelain coin bank in the shape of a sperm cell. Get it? A sperm bank! We all had a decent laugh about it, and went about our business.

We got back in time for supper, and the women met up with their boyfriends and a group of us went to the cafeteria to eat. Normal college kid conversation ensues, and out of nowhere, Vicki blurts out:

"Y'all should see his sperm sometime!"

Her boyfriend gave me one chance to explain.

But the name stuck: I was known as "Sperm" for the next two years.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:09, Reply)

Outed By The Entertainment
I used to know someone whose surname was Skelton and so was unimaginatively known as Skelly. Okay not that interesting so far, but bear with me. So we were at the pub one night and they had just had this funky golf arcade machine installed (the sort where you wham the trackerball forward to hit your shot, it was taken out after we had a longest drive competition and my mate won by not stopping his hand, cracking the screen and breaking several fingers, but thats another story).

Anyway Skelly had refused our invitation that night with some pathetic excuse so, being the loyal, grown up people we are, when we all finished in the top three of the leaderboard we all entered our name as 'Skelly is gay'. Natch. We watched the leaderboard scroll up and cheered as 'Skelly is gay' flashed up a whole three times. Flushed with pride we turned round to head back to our table when we noticed someone had just entered the pub. It was none other than Skelly's older brother, and what imaginative nickname had his friends given him? Why Skelly, of course. Now he was a few years older than us so we were slightly intimidated by him at that age. In a panic we all figured that if we stood drinking next to the golf machine and prayed he didn't want a game then we would escape undetected. Well, I mentioned this machine was new, which was why we hadn't fully appreciated all the bells and whistles on it.

So, picture this. Skelly (senior) is sitting enjoying a quiet drink with friends. Glancing round the room he notices three embarrassed, not quite eighteen-year olds standing ramrod straight in front of the new golf machine wearing the goofy grins of the desperately doomed and all staring at him, mild terror in their eyes. As he goes to give them a friendly nod he notices what our intrepid heroes have not. At the top of the machine is one of those red L.E.D. displays scrolling across the legend of 1. Skelly is gay 2. Skelly is gay 3. Skelly is gay, directly above their heads.

We followed his gaze and ran like fuck as he started to get up. We were brave in those days.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Wed 24 May 2006, 7:22, Reply)

Due to being the second twin,
my brother likes to call me Afterbirth.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 23 May 2006, 16:45, Reply)

Richard Fisher
Little kid in the year below me. Shortened of course to - Dickfish.
(Black sky No accidents since, Mon 22 May 2006, 14:37, Reply)

A woman I know was called 'Mum'

because she gave birth to me.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 22 May 2006, 13:41, Reply)