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This is a question Worst Nicknames Ever

Everyone wants a cool nickname like "Ace", "Boss", or "Iron". Kids being kids, that's not what we get - the kid with polio gets called Johnny Spazm, your Ginger Fuhrer was called Rob Man-you-smell and your question master was "Tommy" Trinder despite him being dead for years.

Tell us the worst you've heard and the stories behind them.

(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:45)
Pages: Latest, 32, 31, 30, 29, 28, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Poor Girl
I went to uni with a girl who was given the nickname Mary Mongface by her 'friends'...

Her name was Karen.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 13:55, Reply)
pinched that one about the 50p or bag of grapes from one of the Adrian Mole books....
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 13:50, Reply)
Mucky lass, even at that age
There was a (in all probability, considering we were all 12, completely false) rumour going round our school that this girl, Tracey, had been caught sticking a pencil up her chuff.

She was thereafter dubbed Tracy Pencil Shagger, soon shortened to Tracy Pencil. They were an imaginitive lot, those gossip-mongers.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 13:49, Reply)
Just remembered this one.
My father-in-law used to work with a guy they called Sidiff.

Seen It, Done It, Fought it, Fucked it.

He was one of those arseholes who always had a better story, always been to better places, etc. etc.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 13:46, Reply)
My dad's best mate was called Roy. He went through a phase of being called Roy the Boy, but me pa thought this moniker was far to dull, and so in the following months Roy the Boy modified and re-modified until he was left with the nickname Zubizarreta (the Spanish goal-keeper). How, you ask?

Boy the Boy became R the B
R the B became What Would You R the B or a wasp?
A wasp is a buzzer
Buzzer backwards is zubber
Zubber became Zubby
Zubby became Zubizarreta.

Roy died a couple of years ago, gawd bless him. It would have been ace if they'd put Zubizarreta on the tombstone.

Apols for breadth and depth.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 13:44, Reply)
This kid I know
his nickname is Dougie.

He apparently looks like another guy in his school called Dougie.

I don't actually know his real name.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 13:40, Reply)
Gimli, Miguel and Heffalump.
Ive had 3 nicknames that have ever stuck from varying periods of my life.
Hefalump; from when I was an army cadet of the big boned vareity. The fact that all the other cadets were malnurished chavs didnt help.

Miguel; I got a tan once and had a really cheesy Ricky Martin esq shirt with tasteless spanish pattern stitching on the front, leading a mate to call me 'Miguel the spanish waiter' shortend to Miguel. This became universal and still rears its ugly head occasionaly.

Finaly Gimli; Seeing as im short (for an American footballer 5'11) and have a beard. Its got to the stage now that if someone says 'Tom' at uni i wont bother responding.

Could be worse I could be 'Captain Ahab'. See what happens when you get drunk a sleep with an obease lady.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 13:26, Reply)
Parents can be so cruel
I went to school with a lad called Spencer Crushum.

Who needs bullies!!!
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 13:23, Reply)
Cruel Teenage Years!
Oh the piss my friends and I would rip out of some of our more unfortunate peers!

Syph - Vincent Dean, initials? VD nuff said.

Biohazzard - Simon Stapleton, the most unhygenic little scrote on earth.

Tusk - Can't remember the name but he was bigger than a walrus!

Cockroach - Craig, who had a hideous insect like face.

Beanhead - Adam Rosevere, head looked like a bean.

Ringpiece - Ryan Sole... R.Sole!

And last but by no means least...

SpunkGun - Daniel Harris. While waiting in an empty corridor to be given a bollocking by the headmistress, He decieded to calm him self down by putting his hand in his pocket and holding his tool. this is not unusual behavior for danny. unfortunatly he gets a little to relaxed and spluffs in his pants as the head summons him into her office! He was getting a bollocking for being caught in that same act in the changing rooms that morning, and to his ultimate horror, his parents are sat in the office waiting for him as he walks in with a fresh load of full cream dribbling down his leg!

Poor fucker!
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 13:02, Reply)
bugger too late
missed it
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 12:47, Reply)
my own, my very own
i built half the boats in the bay but do they call me monty the boat-builder no

i built half the houses in the village but do they call me monty the brickie no

but you shag one wee sheep

aye theng yew
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 12:46, Reply)
our school football team...
used to have a guy who never was quite able to get any touches on the ball, he mainly just ran from player to player in a vain effort to become involved. We called him Kabadi.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 12:45, Reply)
See all those stone walls over there? I built those.But do they call me Legless the Stonemason? - Do they fuck....

See that fishing boat over there? I catch all of the fish that feed the village but do they call me me Legless the Fisherman? - Do they fuck....

See all of those houses? I deliver all of their mail, every day. Do they call me Legless the Postman? - Do they fuck...

But you shag *ONE* sheep.........
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 12:44, Reply)
1/2 past eight
worked beside a guy who was 1/2 caste
he was called 1/2 past eight
as he wasnt quite dark

its small but its quick
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 12:42, Reply)
Im not!

That was my nickname at school due to me going out with a boy there who would ignore me all day at school but come home time he would come up to me and ask if I would go to his house.

I had been going out with him for about 3 weeks when he asked me to go over his house, I went to his house and once in his bedroom he put on a porn film. I sat at the edge of the bed too scared to look at the screen and too scared to look at him so there I sat staring at the wall for about 25 mins whilst he watched this film, he would never say a word to me.

He would then turn it off and I would go home, then went on for about a week until he got his mate to dump me. Next thing I know Frigid Franny is my new name.

Still haunts me to this day!
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 12:35, Reply)
In one corner, Herbocop. And in the other, The Farrinator. Who will win?
At school in London, we had two enormous female teachers. I don't mean obese, I mean rather imposing forms that intimidated all the pupils.

One was the deputy head Ms Herbertson, christened Herbocop. Her chin was just as prominent as Officer Murphy's, and could have taken a direct hit from the Bismarck's heavy guns.

The other was Ms Farrant, built like a pro-wrestler and looked like she could and would run through brick walls for the fun of it. Naturally she was referred to as the Farrinator, due to her large frame and only weakness being molten steel.

Hours were whiled away arguing which of these two behemoths would win in a scrap, although there was never any firm decision as to the outcome.
I always reckoned Herbocop would edge it, what with the massive wedge/chin/monstrosity thing she has. And the gun that pops out of her leg...

Usual n00b/girth/length apologies. But I was asked to give a girl 12 inches and make her bleed. So I shagged her three times and broke her nose...
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 12:21, Reply)
remembered another odd one from school
she was known either as:

"zoe-i'll-let-you-see-my-knickers-if-you-give-us-50p" (needs to be said at a million miles and hour for full pubescent impact....) self explanatory really...



see above - less 50p = insert bag of grapes.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 12:04, Reply)
How can I forget
I once had the misfortune to share a flat with a horrid bint by the name of Liz. She stank. Utterly reeked, showered once a week, washed her sheets once in the year I lived with her, drank a bottle of gin a night and frankly made our lives a misery.

But despite being perhaps the most unsanitary waste of sperm and eggs ever to spawn in Manchester, she was convinced she was god's gift to men and spent hours polishing nails, preening hair and took up to two hours to get ready for work in the morning.

So when she finally moved out of the flat, you can imagine our relief... although I was entrusted with sterilising the room she had vacated. Imagine my disgust to find a patch of grease two feet across, on the carpet in front of the mirror where she preened her corpulent, putrescent carcase for hours every day.

From that day on, she was known as Slugbitch, and never was there better proof that no matter how much you polish it, a turd is still a turd.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 11:57, Reply)
Mark never had a nickname. He desperately wanted one.

This was because his surname was Fluke. Mark Fluke.

He got mercilessly slagged by the evil creatures that are small children for having that surname.

His dad had died when he was very young and by consistent pestering he got his mum to agree to modify their surname.

She changed it to Fluck. No really.

Several years later his mum got remarried. This was Mark's big chance to get a decent non piss takey surname. Sadly she married a guy with the surname Mooney.

So Mark Fluck became Mark Mooney. I lost touch with him after school but by then he was a very aggressive guy. Can sort of see his point really...
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 11:40, Reply)
1. Ian...A friend of mine named Ian has now had has name changed, unnoficially of course. It was christmas time and of course we all did that 'Secret Santa' crap. So there were presents for everybody, except for Ian, but there was one for some bloke called David, now we don't actually have a David in our year, so we assumed it was for Ian. From that day onwards he has been called David, Dweeeeeeevid or just Dweeeevvvviiiii...god knows why.

2. Francois...Francuooongi...fairly boring and self explanatory.

3. Andrew...once got bored in english and started looking up synomyms in a thesaurus for handsome. He is now known as 'Strappy'...go figure.

4. And then me...I don't really have a nickname, but as the token Jew of the school I am sometimes known as Jewboy or The Jew. Damn those antisemetic bastards
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 10:58, Reply)
They think they're so funny.
Most, actually, all of my nicknames come from the diving club I'm in. These include:
Money Monkey (I was the treasurer for 3 years. I have NO idea where the 'Monkey' bit originated)

(Both of these originated from the same, incredibly booring story)

Bork Boy (I'm Swedish, clever bunch aren't they?)

And I've sometimes been refered to as 'that guy over there. The one swaying alot and talking absolut crap whilst slurring. No, don't worry about it, just give him your money' (Ye see why I'm not the treasurer anymore?)
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 10:34, Reply)
I know a friend
who's got Stove for a nickname. Why? I don't know. His real name's Wayne Stanley.

Other people's nicknames:
Cab - because his hair's like a cabbage
Flea - because he's small
North - because his last names West *confused?*
Fat Ant - wonder why???
Shagbath - sister caught him shagging the bath
TopHat - unknown
Testosterone Tina - because she's manish
Meatmong - have no idea, one of those stoner things
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 9:53, Reply)
my dad used to work with a guy called BUFFY
its because he was a Big Ugly Fat Fucker
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 9:47, Reply)
I knew a bloke once who had the nickname 'Mushroom'
This nickname (initially assigned to him by the gaggle of girls he had wrestled with in the back seat of his hotted-up Torana) also had its equivalent in sign language... a hand slapped over the hole made by loosley clenched fist.

Apparently it all had something to do with the shape of his penis.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 9:38, Reply)
Had to laugh tonight down at the pub.
Local bar #1 - I'm known as either DB or ES - Dart Bitch (cos that's what's on my dart flights) or English Sue.

Local bar #2 - English Sue. There's also English Dave, English Danny and Scottish Bob. As well as Downtown Dave ('cos he works in downtown Huntington Beach), we have Drastic Dave who always gets things way out of hand. The 3 female bartenders are nicknamed by the local guys as Thursday Night Girl (who works Thursdays and Fridays), DUI Nats (drink drive conviction) and Dog. Yes, poor Mel got bit by a dog on the end of her nose - couldn't get her shift covered and turned up with a huge bandage on her nose.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 8:06, Reply)
At a local school
an outsider was unexpectedly given a Head of Department job, which had been previously promised, in a nudge-wink-say-no-more way, to a serving teacher.

The other staff did not take kindly to this and the new boss, being from north of the border, was instantly nicknamed 'That Scottish Bastard', soon discreetly abbreviated.

Poor bloke. He was openly called 'TSB' for years (probably still is, for that matter) and never understood the meaning of it.

Bad enough that the staff called him that privately, but soon the kids did too. These things have a habit of getting out.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 7:48, Reply)
oh, nicknames.
A guy who used to work with me was dubbed "Lord Farquaad" like the character from Shrek. Why? Because he was about as short and wimpy. He was never thrilled with this name. We also called him "emo kid" for a few weeks in the spirit of him listening to whiny music.

My friends and I all have nicknames for eachother that end in 'oob'. Reason being that one friend, who has a pretty nice rack and whose name starts with a B, became known as Boob. So with the three of us, there is Boob, Doob, and Moob. Used to be a fourth one of us; Lube (the only one to have a spelling variation). But she's a bitch now.

A friend at work calls me Kang. I don't even remember why. KANG. Aforementioned Lord Farquaad still calls me Snowcone (for my multicoloured, often neon, hair).

I also started a trend of calling this fat bitch at work 'the Manatee'. She's been fired, but her legend lives on!
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 7:44, Reply)
My mate
unusually spells his name - Thom. Everyone notices this and a small group of us call him:

The Thomulator
The Thomerator
The Thomanator


I know you are going to read this dude but it had to be done!
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 7:13, Reply)
In our village...
We have a master carpenter called Colin the Carpenter.

We have a fisherman, trolling the lake for 40 years, man and boy, called Dave the Fisherman.

We have a baker, the lord of the cakes, called John the Baker.

I don't know... You work the bar in the same pub for twelve years...
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 7:09, Reply)
Objet D'art
Well, my mate has the last name of Dart, so it was very important for all of us to call him Objet.
This was ten year ago and that's still what he's called.
This is also transmuted into Object or Obblejay as the need sees fit.
And Robert when we need to be excessively formal.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 6:59, Reply)

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