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This is a question Worst Nicknames Ever

Everyone wants a cool nickname like "Ace", "Boss", or "Iron". Kids being kids, that's not what we get - the kid with polio gets called Johnny Spazm, your Ginger Fuhrer was called Rob Man-you-smell and your question master was "Tommy" Trinder despite him being dead for years.

Tell us the worst you've heard and the stories behind them.

(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:45)
Pages: Latest, 32, 31, 30, 29, 28, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Was the nickname of a bloke I went to uni with because he looked like,well..... Davros.

One night he managed to shag the biggest slut on campus so after that she was known far and wide as The Tardis!
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 6:33, Reply)
I used to know a guy known as TOC, to everyone. I never met anyone at all who didnt call him toc. guys in the pub, his girlfriend, he'd only answer to toc.

The reason? In our group of friends there was already a chris when he turned up
(also called chris) so he was known as 'The other chris', or toc.

I had another friend who went by TNT, which was short of 'Trevor not trevor' fro similar reasons.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 4:33, Reply)
A few classics...
A the start of sixth form, our school used to get a large intake from other local schools that didn't have sixth forms. So we already had a close knit group of friends but allowed this lad Andy W to join our little clique. But we did this only if we could call him Dave. Why? Because we didn't have a Dave in our group and we felt we needed one. I called him Dave for two whole years and it's just taken me 15 minutes to remember his proper name.

One of my mates went to uni with this lad who proudly possesed a fair sized penis. It had a lot of girth but little length. His nickname - John West.

After scanning the many previous posts, there are a number of references to those who are unfortunate enough to permenantly look ill as AIDS Victims. The Figurative Pinapple's Johnny AIDS being a particular favourite. Hilarious as I find this, my brother has moved on to refering to his best mate as Cancer Victim or Chemo. I feel this is the direction of this type of banter for the future.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 2:27, Reply)
Never the most popular of people at school, from year 9 onwards I was dubbed 'Turkey Boy' or just 'Turkey' due to my strange run and long neck.

Most people (chavs in particular) seemed to consider this hilarious; especially at Christmas time, for fairly obvious reasons. 'Twasn't much fun.

The bastards.

Anyway, here's a few nicknames of other people that I can remember:
-Microdave: Dave who was short. Also known as Robocop for about a week. I have no idea why.
-Hovis: I can't remember why I named this person thusly. Or even who he was, for that matter...
-Mr. Leake, Warrior of Justice: A teacher who me and my mate Ed randomly decided was a superhero and that whenever he left the classroom he had seen the 'Leake Signal' and had to rush out to save the world. Don't ask.
-Penguin: The aformentioned Ed. 'Cuz he resembles a penguin. 'Nuff said.
-The Fiend: Some evil wench.

My dad, the complete git that he is, has recently taken to calling me 'Lazy Cunt' because of my general laziness, and also 'Dracula/Vamp/Zombie', due to my messed up inverted sleeping pattern. (Rather than any tendency I might have to viciously attack passers-by and drain their lifeblood.)
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 0:59, Reply)
What goes around cums around...
Well ever since a certain incident, which I won't bore you with the details with my friends have had a real hoot calling me "Spunky".
Another of their favourites when they're feeling especially cruel is "White Home-Wrecker".

Ooh, people can be callous can't they? Well, I suppose it takes one to know one.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 0:53, Reply)
Film Star
Since I've told the story of my mates name without his knowledge (see below) it seems only fair that I post mine.

Since my early teens I have been known affectionately as Gene Hackman. It has stuck ever since. I mean, how much like Gene Hackman can a 14 year old boy look like? A lot, obviously.
So as I've grown older and the name has grown with me, I've tried to spruce it up a bit. Two of my favourite variations are:

Two Time Academy© Award Winning Gene Hackman.

People also think I look like Steve McMamanaman, Ray Parlour and the guy from the WKD adverts. You know, the one that gets stuck in the lift.
I'm probably boring you now so I'll stop before I carry on with my other nickn..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 0:45, Reply)
To taxi, or not to taxi? That is the question....
Personally I think this a great nickname, simply because it's not mine.

One of my friends from uni is and for evermore will be called Smartrider. The story behind his nickname is brilliant, in fact one of the best I've ever heard.

Whilst frequentling the AU Social in Manchester as we did every Wednesday, Tom had been trying to pull this bird, Abby, for weeks. (For the sake of avoiding embarassment I have used these names, because that's what they are called.) This one particular Wednesday Tom struck gold and she was gagging for him to take her home for, er, you know; nudge nudge wink wink. Anyways, she gets him downstairs and out of the club and suggests they share a taxi home. So, with the prospect of guaranteed sex with a girl he's been stalking for ages, what does this tight git decide to do? He pipes up with "Sorry love, I've got a Megarider; I'm catching the bus home" and leaves her there on her own in the cold while he goes home on a bus, ALONE. So instead of forking out a few quid to take a taxi home and have sex, he chose to save a few pennies by using his weekly buspass, the Megarider, to go home and probably make a withdrawal from his Wank-Bank.

What a twat.

Remember the name - SMARTRIDER for it is the name for true stupidity.
(, Thu 25 May 2006, 0:33, Reply)
Pearoast from 'The Onosecond'
Got an email FROM my boss
to his beloved GF (Surname same as mine)

Oh the pleasure in telling him

In front of the office

and his face at the point of onosecond... bliss

When he realised that not only did i know what him and the missus would be doing for each other that night

But now I know her pet name for him! wwoooaaahahhaha

Guess what his nickname in the office is now?

"Ogwen, need to see you for your performance agreement"
"Ok lovebuns"
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 23:53, Reply)
In secondary school (ah, what a cesspit of juvenile humour) we had a decent chap. God fearing, intelligent and -could- kill you in a game of football. If he wanted to.

Note that if.

He was, well, large. Not large enough to warrant the legend "Pie" or such lard associated tags - 'twas his chins that granted him his nomenclature.

Yes, his chins. You see, being all Godfearing AND shaking his head whenever he spoke, the way his chin(s) moved AND sounding like a certain Neighbours old man, he soon became irreversibly linked to Harold Bishop.

"HAROLD!" "BISHOP!" "MADGE TADGER!" were his honours, and his alone.
Nice guy though to have put up with that.

You can't take my length, smallfry.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 23:26, Reply)
Fishy origins...
'Kipper Fanny'.

Interesting name of housemate's school friend.

Could be shortened to 'Kips' in more refined social circles.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 23:07, Reply)
At Mrs. Boukha's school, Sharon one day used a full bottle of ambre solaire fake tan, which you leave to develop for an hour or two, she didn't read the instructions and thought it wasn't working so she kept applying and woke up bright orange. She was henceforth known as fraggle.

She was also short
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 22:51, Reply)
hillarious this one......
The guys at work created an invetive nickname for me

"Matt Black"

Guess why?

Because my name is Matt and I am usually wearing black!

They are very Inventive!!
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 22:47, Reply)
Our French teacher
had the distinction of only possessing one ear. On the other side of his head were just a couple of pathetic flaps of skin protruding like fins.

All his ear-related nickames were forgotten though, on the day a rumour went round the school that he had opened his locker on the main corridor and a pile of porn mags had fallen out.

No eyewitness could verify this, yet it was KNOWN to be TRUE, and he was referred to ever after as Ol' Porno.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 22:21, Reply)
A guy in our office earned the name Nescafe
Because when someone did a run to the coffee machine it was never him.

So one day one of us did the bean shaking/wanking action a la Gareth Hunt and said "Nescafe don't make coffee for anyone else"
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 22:21, Reply)
A guy at uni has earned the nickname "Baguette", because one of his many conquests was bragging at the proportion of his penis.

However, being drunk, she decided to use the analogy "It's... it's... It's like a BAGUETTE!"

Good old Baguette Penis.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 21:59, Reply)
a good nickname - not the worst
My younger brother came up with this name for himself I think. I don't know where he heard it but I have enjoyed it immensely ever since. I used to work for the Royal Mail and was given a luminous tanktop so I could avoid being squashed by little forklifts. I wrote this name on the back of mine in big black lettering. It doesn't make much sense when used on me so it took on some irony, and thats why it stuck. However, I left there soon after so I was wasting my time. I eventually sent the tanktop to my american girlfriend and as a result I managed to identify a phrase that Americans cannot say. If you know any Americans try to get them to say it and they will fail and/or sound like idiots. The nickname and phrase I would like you to use is "Chubbs Lardy".

That is all.

Thank you for reading. Enjoy the site big lots!
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 20:25, Reply)
My own nickname
is Filthy Phil Cheesy Knob.

Long story.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 19:32, Reply)
a good one from primary school
there was a guy called Thomas at my primary school who was a right little shit. One day we were playing rounders (for you Americans, Rounders is basically baseball, but given a different name for no good reason, and it's predominantly played by people under ten years old - not by choice, but because of being forced by teachers)

Anyway one day he was up to bat, and he whacked the ball almost out of the field. As Thomas was running - with about four teachers observing the game - his friend who shall remain nameless) screamed out 'RUN, TAMPAX!!!'

the whole game stopped for about twenty minutes as Thomas and his friend were reprimanded for using foul nicknames. That was a pretty interesting day....
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 18:35, Reply)
Johnny Aids
That's me. Not that I have teh aids mind you (good or bad). But in the distant past (first year of Uni actually) I was quite thin. Ok, let's not beat around the bush. I was VERY thin. So I became known as Johnny Aids for about two years. Nice.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 17:46, Reply)
Dick and Anus
Two of my best mates, a couple from Somerset named Richard and Amy are affectionately known as Dick and Anus.

Dick makes sense, but have no idea how Anus came about.

Always funny when you want to get their attention in a crowded pub.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 17:43, Reply)
Shit job, high turnover
We needed strong stupid people to do really hard work in a hot, stinking, dangerous environment, with no job security, lousy pay and miniscule benefits.

We used the services of an employment agency who skimmed 30% off the top of what were already pretty lousy wages. I found out later that several of the people we had hired had serious criminal records. I felt bad that the rapist had been on the night shift with a young, pretty, female engineer. She assured me he left her alone.

One of the more serious losers who lasted only a month was known by the others as Gipetto. A toy of the character from the Disney film Pinnochio (I'm not spell checking either name. You pedants can do it for me.) appeared in the control room, on top of the computer monitor.

It was only after he quit (which, like many others from the agency pool meant he simply stopped showing up for work and we cancelled his pass and stopped paying him and ordered a replacement) that I discovered that Gipetto was short for "Joe Paedophile".
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 17:38, Reply)
bloke at work
takes the longest strides in the world and as a result he bobs up and down when he walks. he is known as bouncer. he may have some serious disability but none of us are very sensitive to anything like that.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 17:25, Reply)
a selection..
A scottish chap who was seeing a female friend of mine for a while became know as Phil McCrackin

Barmaid at the local is know as Lisa Long Crack due to her inexplicably long arse crack

Mate of a mate is known as Radish due to his bald head & pale complexion

that is all for now
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 16:59, Reply)
Usually Leaves A Bit Of A Stain...
One of the Directors at work is lovingly refered to as 'Toenails'. Due to the fact that he's so far up the MD's arse, that's all you can usualy see...
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 16:59, Reply)
my friend Matt gained the nonsensical nickname of "Scrubbers". the reason for this was a mass Withnail and I quoting session... someone cried out "SCRUBBERS!" in their best Richard E Grant voice, and Matt replied "yes?".

it didn't really stick for long though.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 16:39, Reply)
Work Nicknames
We had a guy at work who used never used to speak much but move his mouth in a puckering style similar to that of a fish and his job title was Chief Of Dicks or something similar so the nickname COD was born. When he moved to a colder office he had the heater on full blast all year round and his nickname changed to TROPICAL which has stuck since. Brilliant!

Then there is the fat guy called SLIM which is pretty popular in this country.

Then we have a guy called THE EXORCIST because when he goes round your house all the spirits disappear.

One young lad has a sunken chest so he gets called PIRATE.

One head of department has a habit of sneaking up on you quietly before asking a question leading to the nickname TREADLIGHT.

up next is the disabled guy called Will who is affectionately known as WILLY WONKY.

There are 3 young sisters who come in during the summer to sell sandwiches and bagels, all of whom are seriously, seriously ugly that we bet they have never been laid (this was proven to be a fact). Their surname is Island, so they got the collective nickname THE VIRGIN ISLANDS.

MIKE-RAPHONE who never stops talking.

TITS McCARTY who suprisingly has huge boobs.

PEDO PAUL - looks like a child molester.

There a photocopy repair man who comes over 2 or 3 times a year to something, we never found out his real name but because he is such a huge, fat, sweaty, stinking man he just gets called THE STINKING FAT FUCKER.

My nickname is BOYBAND which is not that bad at all.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 16:23, Reply)
in my first year at university there was one guy who always managed to be late, even moving from one room to another. As I did a biochemistry degree we did all sorts of funny experiments- one of them involved staining bacteria so you could identify the type. During the safety lecture at the beginning we were all informed to use gloves at all times as one of the stains (gramm stain) binds irreversably to eukaryotic cells (which includes humans). there is nothing you can to remove it other than wait for weeks while the skin cells slowly wear off.

Suffice it to say that my friend comes in after the speech and starts to throw this stuff around with a wild abandon getting it all over his hands. to top it all off when he was told about the stain he looked suitably shocked and did a very good impression of edouard munch's 'the scream' like this!

three weeks of having to walk around campus with blue cheeks and smurf was born!
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 16:23, Reply)
for the past three weeks my friends
have been calling me elf. (i'm 5 foot 7)
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 16:12, Reply)
The Mystery Jets
The lead singer is referred to as 'Mystery legs' (in the circles of those who know him) because he's a cripple.
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 16:04, Reply)
Donny, Jim, Beans and Balloons
Back in the days when I used to get a bus back from school, a couple of us came to the conclusion that our chum Ben (who happened to be the son of the headmaster, but was still friendly with a decent sense of humor) bore a very striking resemblance to Donny Osmond.

This was about two years ago now, and to the best of my knowledge his sisters and mother are still calling him Donny, much to his annoyance

Another mate from school was called Dave but, being the legendary wierdo he was, decided he'd rather adopt the name Jim Fish. Very few of us call him Dave these days, he's always either Jim or Jim/Dave.

One of the chaps who lives down my corridor calls me "Dan the Man with the Baked Bean Can!" when he's drunk. He once went out and got me a tin of beans to make his drunken nickname fit.

Some poor chinese boy who used to live down the road from us was called 'Balloon Child' by me and my mum beacuse of the shape of his head. To this day we have no idea what his real name is.

True stories. [obligatory length comment. Heh heh, length]
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 15:56, Reply)

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