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This is a question Worst Nicknames Ever

Everyone wants a cool nickname like "Ace", "Boss", or "Iron". Kids being kids, that's not what we get - the kid with polio gets called Johnny Spazm, your Ginger Fuhrer was called Rob Man-you-smell and your question master was "Tommy" Trinder despite him being dead for years.

Tell us the worst you've heard and the stories behind them.

(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:45)
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This question is now closed.

There was a guy at our school who was pretty huge, and his tits were enormous.

I gave him the nickname "Gillette", which caught on pretty well, even with people who didn't know the reason.

Gillette! The breasts a man can get.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 22:46, Reply)
Dyslexic kid
There was a guy at my sister's boyfriend's school called Tim. One day the teacher dubbed him 'Mit'.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 22:45, Reply)
The 'LadyFriend',
I like to call her 'Teenage Bitchfuck', Even if she is 25. It makes me happy, am I wrong in the head?
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 22:40, Reply)
Fat kid in our school's nickname:
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 22:28, Reply)
Perhaps I'm a crazy cat lady...
...but my cat, Mojo, has a nickname, as if Mojo weren't nicknamey enough. It started out when I moved back to my parent's house with Mojo. He was curious about everything, and ended up spending most of his time smelling everything and creeping around. My brother took to calling him "Snooks," (rhymes with pukes, sorta) due to his main activities: sniff and look. Now he's become Little Snooks (he's about 15 lbs,) The Snooks, or just Snooks or Snook (singular.)

Mojo is also called Kitten, (he is hardly a kitten) and when he's bad, he's Shitten.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 21:15, Reply)
The Admiral.
My younger brother has had a goodly number of nicknames, all of which somehow lead into each other.

For instance:
He was told by a friend that he resembled Dougal from Father Ted. So he was referred to as such. Of course, my brother being my brother, he spelled it "Dewgle".

This in and of itself was later shortened to Dewg.

Then one day, we got the expansion pack to Starcraft, and one of the new characters was an admiral named "Charles DuGalle."

To this day, he will answer to "Admiral Dewgle", or just plain "Admiral", but only if spoken in a fake Russian accent.
"Women don't care about length, but for the record, MINE'S BIGGER."
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 21:11, Reply)
My old grandad Quentin Orrison Twat (pronounced thwait) Wellington or QOTW for short is being a bit crap this week, taken a turn for the worst. Maybe next week he will feel better and be a bit more entertaining.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 20:38, Reply)
Bishop Auckland
Mate from Uni, Called fuck off john. Everytime i ripped him for being northern, boring and the like he just told us to fuck off. After a while, he said a pre-emptive fuck off. this sealed it.

Bursty eye kev. Was Kev, until he decided to smoke all my puff, complain it was shit, and after a few months of him being more and more weird towards me and the womenfolk of our Uni decided that he must come round and smoke my skunk. After 2 tokes, he screamed "you bastard, my eyes, you bastard - my fucking eyes, my eyesssssss........."

I had to tease out of him the extent of the problem, but it appeared he thought his eyes were going to explode. He had visibly "to his mind" watched as his eyes had become distended and puffy over a number of weeks and it was my fault.

I cried for a few weeks, as i did feel a pretty bad - then i got over it. From there on in he is bursty eye kev. There can be only one.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 20:33, Reply)
I unfortunately aquired the name 'Lasagna' after a misunderstood conversation, at a party, with the hostess' mother. In all fairness the music was quite loud, and she was stood at least 3 feet away from me. Next time I'll stick to crisps.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 20:30, Reply)
my broters nickname is burger derived from burger nipples because he apparently has burger nipples.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 20:20, Reply)
best mates ninkname very affectionate i know
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 20:18, Reply)
Almost Dead Craig...
A friend of my ex tried to commit suicide by cutting his throat. I guess he changed his mind and got help or someone found him before he died - or something. Anyway, he's got a huge nasty scar running from ear to ear *shudder* and behind his back everyone calls him Almost Dead Craig.

Another one - I went to grade school with a guy named Dylan Dando. It didn't take long to come up with the obvious nickname he'd be saddled with the rest of his life. What made this funny to me was that in 9th grade I moved to a much smaller rural high school about two hours away from where I had been. Fast forward a couple of years to the first day of 11th grade...any new kids were big news to begin with, but imagine my surprise when barely 5 minutes into the new school year a friend asks me if I've met the new guy - Dildo. Poor Dylan. Although, I suspect he was rather proud of that nickname. Wouldn't be surprised if he had actually introduced himself that way.

Long time lurker and all that...
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 20:17, Reply)
My brother told me today that the kids at school have been calling him 'Aiden Nipple' (His surname is 'Nicoll')

I thought it was pretty smart for a bunch of 7 year olds...
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 19:51, Reply)
My friends tried to piss me off
by giving me a series of non-sensical nicknames. I can't rememeber many now but there was Riaz, Rococo, Raging Bullox, Bearman, Simmo. Umm, there were lots more, honest.

Didn't really get pissed off, just gradually more bemused.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 19:42, Reply)
scotland, home of the bluntest nicknames
Dundee. Known to us St.Andrews "posh twats" (affectionate nickname given to us by the youth of Dundee) as Scumdee. Much better to be honest. It gives you a better mental picture of the place.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 19:38, Reply)
Bonus Bag
In the far north of Scotland there is a village called Brora where nicknames are pretty much the only entertainment. Well, apart from drinking, sex and fighting of course. Anyway, there's a guy that lives there called "Bonus Bag" so called because he is the village pervert - was caught in the public toilet with 3 young boys saying "right lads, get yer cocks out and show them to me, then the one with the biggest gets the bonus bag of sweeties!".
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 19:32, Reply)
genitalia related nicknames...and a gopher
I am currently known to a couple of my mates as 'Minge' something I'm not overly happy about. It's a crap story though cos it only comes from adding a couple of letters onto the end of my name (benjamin...ge).

However I've got off lightly compared to my friend Pete who is commonly known as 'Clit boy'. His last name being Loveridge...

Also had a geography teacher at school who was called 'Gopher'. Vaguely amusing, as he did look like one, but not as funny as the time some sixth formers locked him in his own cupboard and wouldn't let him out until he admitted he was , indeed, a gopher.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 19:28, Reply)
ah, how the memories return
I just remembered a PE teacher we had with a name that rhymed with Bun. But started with an M.
Typical PE teacher, real neanderthal type who spoke in a series of grunts and blushed every time a girl mentioned the word 'period' when it was time to do swimming.

Anyways he had severely receeding hair with a little patch that persisted throughout the years towards the front of his head.

Therefore my older siblings who were at the same schhol called him Mr.Bun "Island in the Sun".

Eventually, by the time I arrived at the school, the island had sunk.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 19:10, Reply)
thanks mainly to Neil
One of my brothers had a knack for nicknames.

His various names for me are as follows.

Bells the Bog (Big Eared Little Sister, & Badly Organised Girl)

How he came up with those, I have no fuckin idea. It will remain a mystery. To me AND to all my friends that encountered my brother.

My nickname at school was predominantly 'Five Iron', due to having a surname that is the same as a popular golf-club
The terrible irony is that I'm from St.Andrews, golfing capital of the world. Oh dear.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 19:00, Reply)
In my class at school, we had two lads called Richard Jones.

One was called Rich and the other was called ski-jump on account of the shape of his nose.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 18:40, Reply)
A friend at Senior School
used to call me 'Buses' due to my name having the word 'Car' in it and me refusing to answer to it. I didn't answer to Buses either.

In junior school during the time of the 'Kiora' advert I some times got called Kiora (it sounds a bit like my name and I'm a redhead so it ties in with the orange drink). It was a nickname I didn't mind much due to the 'we all adore Kiora' thing
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 18:40, Reply)
In my local boozer....
everyone has their job in their nickname - John the plumber, Dave the spark, Tommy teacher.

Not sure what Lee the prick does for a living though...
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 18:33, Reply)
He shit his pants...
A lad i knew was out one day playing 'manhunt'(The innocent version) in some nearby field with me and some other mates. Little that we knew, he was suffering from a bit of the shits. Anyway... The day goes on and eventually its his and another mate's time to chase us... so we all ran off and hid in the woods... and waited...and waited... Eventually we wondered what happened so we went to find out. We ran back and found his 'chase partner', who was laughing hysterically... and wouldn't tell us what had happened.
Soon enough we all caught a good strong wiff of shit in the air, and our brains suddenly clicked. He emerged from the bushes crying, with runny wet shit all down his leg and on his hands and shoe. He then asked us if we could borrow one of our mobile phones, to which we all replied "no" because of the shitty state his hands were in. Eventually his mother came and picked him up and cleaned him up with a towel.

Anyway..... thats the story now the nickname...

Next day at school... he comes into the classroom and nobody makes a noise, all you could hear were the odd crackles of laughter. Eventually some one had the nerve to make a load farting noise by blowing a rasberry on their arm, with the entire class following suit. (even the teacher laughed) He then broke down in tears, and didn't come to school for a few days, but every time he did we would always greet him with little a fart noise. We always tried to be creative and make slightly wet quiet farts that he wouldn't notice but everyone else would.

This was his nickname for the next few months before his parents quickly decided to move house to Skegness. Yes it was that bad they had to move.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 18:22, Reply)
My girlfriend was named after my fridge
Conversation in pub one lunchtime:
Workmate 1: "Do anything good at the weekend?"
Me: "Yeah, I met a girl on Saturday night at this club. Oh yeah, and I bought a new fridge. Bosch."
Workmate 2: "Bosch? Is she German?"

So that's what she was known as (apart from by my mates who called her "Sourpuss" apparently, not without good reason...)

Some other ones from school/uni:
"Parsley" - as he looked like Parsley the Lion
"Melon" - he had a head shaped like a melon (well, kind of)
"Richard Fuck" - every other word he uttered was an expletive. Not Tourettes, just foul mouthed.
"Bullshit Bill" - a compulsive liar of the highest order. Pretty much anything he said was a whopping lie.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 18:11, Reply)
In this generation of y8 there is an overcrowdment of chavs, and with the arrival of chavs comes the arrial of underae sex, smoking, drinking all that crap. There is one chav, Ellie,who is a great big ugly slut. Everyone thinks shes fit, but shes just a skank. Anyway, theres always rumors going round about here (getting off with people in the Meadowhall disabled toilets, for one) but the downright craziest, is using a CARROT to please herself with. Disgusting, typical skank shit. Now after this went round, when eer me and my mates saw her, we would all shout out "CARROT". We don't now, for fear off being gangraped by chavs.

Also, from a less chavy girl, came the rumor of putting a mobile phone next to her minge and getting someone to call her, so it vibrated on her. not nice. Now one of my mates likes to call her crazy frog (cos her ringtone was crazy frog at the time, god knows why)

/hits chav and runs
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 17:24, Reply)
a nude glory ! - It's an anagram of my name :)
Otherwise imaginatively I get called by my name in french or spanish...Guy/guido
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 17:15, Reply)
Because of the amount and variety of drugs I used to sell.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 17:03, Reply)
My dad gave me the nickname of Cunt when I was born.
It sort of stuck.
Because I smell like a cunt.
And act like a cunt.
And I like to eat children's cunts.
And I once pissed on my own toast and ate it.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 16:50, Reply)
Due to being the second twin,
my brother likes to call me Afterbirth.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 16:45, Reply)
Methane Production
We had a rather doddery old lady teacher called Mrs. G********* who was given the rather unfortunate epithet "Gas-Bag" as she had a reputation for farting in class.I used to think it was a myth until a friend of mine who was in a different class to me told me she "Did a loud one " as she walked past his desk one lesson.She had a reputation for having a ferocious temper too,( she had one of those scary booming voices) so my friend had to literally bite his lip to stop him laughing out loud (We were only about 11 years old at the time ) I only ever had her once for a lesson, when my own English teacher was away. I remember her reciting the John Masefield poem which begins :- "I must go down to the sea again,to the lonely sea and the sky " It was not a stormy sea though as I recall,it was not accompanied by any thunder claps!
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 16:44, Reply)

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