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This is a question Worst Nicknames Ever

Everyone wants a cool nickname like "Ace", "Boss", or "Iron". Kids being kids, that's not what we get - the kid with polio gets called Johnny Spazm, your Ginger Fuhrer was called Rob Man-you-smell and your question master was "Tommy" Trinder despite him being dead for years.

Tell us the worst you've heard and the stories behind them.

(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:45)
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This question is now closed.

I have a friend who beat me at a game of cards. I do not take well to being beaten at cards. So ever since, she has been known to one and all as Spawny. As in short for 'Spawn of the Devil'.

That'll teach her.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:27, Reply)
Poor sod....
There was this kid at school, I won't name him, but he looked ah....simian. So he got nicknamed Chimp.

Then the acne came, full blown face mutilating pustrosity....and the remake of The Fly had just come out.

Hence the moniker 'Brundlechimp'.

We were cruel little bastards.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:27, Reply)
Guess I was lucky..
My nickname at school was Penfold, mainly because my hair sprouted up in the middle and I once had the worst pair of thick rimmed round glasses, think Harry Potter but plastic tortoise shell and 4 times as thick.

That stuck for about 8 years, until at uni when I was caught in a comprimising position by a young ladies visiting parents. I started to speak French and pretended I couldn't understand their shouting and demanding what I was doing in their beloved daughters bedroom naked. It became "Frog" very quickly...

Others from school were
Steg - from a stegasaurus pencil topper a mate had when he was 6.
Mong & King Mong
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:25, Reply)
There was a boy in my youth orchestra called Paul. He was your typical airhead trumpet player, couldn't function without several pints down him, hideously ugly. Unfortunately for me, I was the object of his affections for quite a while *shudder*

Anyway, everybody called him Roger. I once asked him what he had done to acquire this nickname and he said he had no idea. So I asked around, eventually getting the answer, "Cause everyone used to call his brother Roger, and he looks just like him."

But nobody had any idea why his brother had been called Roger...
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:25, Reply)
Wallmark got his name due to his aerobic wanking abilities. He had one of those height measurer things on his bedroom wall from when he was younger and used to lie on his bedroom floor and see how high up the chart he could shoot his load. He also had a favourite wanking position. According to him, you could achieve better results if you put your arm under your leg as at the point of no return, the leg would spasm and cause the trajectory of the emission to go straight at the giraffes head (think playschool measuring charts) and not miss the wall entirely. He also advocated the use of salad cream in a condom for a posh wank as the stinging sensation was just enough to delay the critical moment without being too painful. Bless him.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:23, Reply)
There was a bloke at school called Chris Kerr, he was an absolute wanker, a real nasty little shit with hair like pubes and hence he got the nickname Wayne (get it...Wayne Kerr)

For most of our IT lessons the class (well me and a few other blokes) would be constantly shouting Waaaaaayyyyyynnnnnneeee.

Even the teacher started calling him Wayne in the end.

He probably went on to be a tax inspector or auditor or something.

(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:19, Reply)
Sticks and stones (and coathangers)
It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of years back that I look like a foetus (small features, big forehead.) Thus, I was nicknamed, with stunning ingenuity, The Foetus. Various friends have amused themselves making jokes around the theme, wombs, umbilical cords, ultrasound scans etc.

The best however was a drunken friend chasing me round a pub carpark in front of a busload of suprised grans, brandishing an unbent wire coathanger and loudly and repeatedly threatening to abort me.

The Foetus. Now come on, that is bad.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:19, Reply)
because I look like one apparently... I never got the joke
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:18, Reply)
Thanks to a surname that's not Smith or Jones or anything half as common, I've been subjected to crap nicknames since I started school, often based on mispronunciation of said surname.

Lead, Lead 'ead, Legs, Lard, Lardy, Large, Loud

The discovery of the periodic table at Middle school lead to a couple of Plumbum based nicknames.

Various other names; Toxic, Short Round, ferret, petal.

I wish that I could think of something funny, but every one of them was intended to make me miserable
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:16, Reply)
I had a pretty bad crop of nicknames at school: "Fleabag" (I was scruffy). "Commie" (I was left-of-centre). But the worst was "Killer" after I pushed a guy who bumped into a girl who banged her head on a desk and needed stitches.

It could have been worse, one of my best mates was known, for reasons that are unclear now, as "Shitman".

Ahh, schooldays, fuck 'em.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:16, Reply)
Shitty Shelley
a friend of a friend called Shelley was at a party when this guy she really fancied started chatting her up. before this point she had been seriously considering calling it a night as she wasn't feeling too great and had been having the runs pretty badly, but she had been after this guy for years, so she stayed and one thing led to another until they were on their way upstairs together. They found an empty bedroom and got going - as they were having sex her poor tortured gut decided to let go and warm liquid shit flowed out all over the place, but it wasn't until the smell reached the nostrils of her beau that he noticed anything was wrong - apparently at that point, noticing he was covered in feces, he ran for it - literally! She was quickly discovered by confused partygoers but to give the girl credit, she freely introduced herself as shitty shelley for a good number of years after.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:14, Reply)
My nickname in school was "Spock" I have no idea why.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:12, Reply)
Joe 90

If you grew up in the 70's as I did and had glasses you either got called Joe 90 or Milky Bar Kid. I suppose it made a change from "speccy-four eyes"

I'm sure the people who come up with kid characters that wear glasses are trying to be positive, to create role models that encourage children who need glasses to actually wear them.

It actually just provides another excuse for bullying, hence that schoolkid the other day that I heard saying "Oi, you! yes you, you Harry Potter wanker" to a bespectacled fellow shcoolboy. Nothing changes.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:12, Reply)
My college nickname
One afternoon, I was hanging around the lounge in the dorm and two women (Donna and Vicki) were talking about walking into town to get a prescription filled. This was winter in northern Wisconsin, and it couldn't have been more than 10 F degrees outside (that's -12 C, for you metric folks) and it was about a mile into town. So I volunteered to take them in my car.

On my dashboard, I had a porcelain coin bank in the shape of a sperm cell. Get it? A sperm bank! We all had a decent laugh about it, and went about our business.

We got back in time for supper, and the women met up with their boyfriends and a group of us went to the cafeteria to eat. Normal college kid conversation ensues, and out of nowhere, Vicki blurts out:

"Y'all should see his sperm sometime!"

Her boyfriend gave me one chance to explain.

But the name stuck: I was known as "Sperm" for the next two years.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:09, Reply)
We had a maths teacher at school who was a little insane... he assigned everyone in a class a nickname. I was chosen to represent the "son's", and thus any surname ending in '-son' became my nickname - Donaldson, Parkinson, Phillipson, Hodgkinson, Wilkinson etc. Which was especially confusing as we had a Wilkinson and a Parkinson in the class already.

My French teacher also nicknamed me 'splodge' for some reason I'm still not aware of. This was in the 2nd year (2000). I'm still known as splodge today by most people from school.

And at work, my nickname is Martay.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:09, Reply)
I've had a few
Tiny Tim
Tiny Tin
Tom Thumb
(I was short at school)
Flantis O'Healy (allegeldly thats how my signature reads)

Other peoples from School

Tristan Deacon (mental kid at school named after good old Joey Deacon)

Neanderthal (Kid at school who had a head shaped like a neanderthal)

Grypo (some kid tried to call another a Gypo, came out as Grypo, stuck with him through school)

Bubble (so called because of the spunk bubbles he blew out his arse after taking anal from another kid in exchange for a BMX!)

Diddy Dylan (not sure why we called him that, but there was a whole song about him 'I dig your diddy dylan boots' Used to were converse the whole time.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:07, Reply)
Not very amusing,
But I got called 'Chimpy' for awhile because of a hilarious* face I used to pull which resembled a chimp being buggered.

Other nicknames are those which rhyme with Morgan, so Morgasm, Morganic and Morganism.

My better half reffers to me as Morgasm to her friends, which takes some explaining.

*Normal (Idiotic)
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:06, Reply)
Whats in a name?
A friend of mine at school was called 'snotrag' becuase he always had a cold. At the age of 10 it was changed to 'jif' (presumably because he was a bit of a lemon)
He's still known to this day as jif - he's 33 now!

Others nicknames at school were:


..I was (and still am) known as Smudge.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:01, Reply)
I harboured an ambition to work with explosives and was nicknamed
"Bomber" as a result. Sad really.

My partner now calls me what she called me to her friends before she met me for the first time (we met by 'phone, mutual friend, yadda yadda yadda..) - "earthquake guy" which to be honest I think is kinda cool :).
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 16:00, Reply)
I had crappy nickname after crappy nickname throughout school. The least bad was probably "Scarecrow" and the worst probably "Gorm".

After reading the fantastically awful but very entertaining novel "Ice Station" by Matthew Reilly I wish people still called me Scarecrow (Matthew Reilly's books are great and incredibly useful - if you consider fictional advice on how to defuse a planet-busting nuclear weapon while trapped inside an Abrams main battle tank, falling at terminal velocity from an Antonov transport useful).

Recently I was briefly known as "Guns" by two people I know, following a drunken discussion and plan to steal HMS Belfast. Plans are currently on hold (Legless, when are you coming to London next, this sounds like your sort of game?).
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:59, Reply)
The Orb
After we were banned from calling Barry Forster "Orbasm" for reasons that were never made entirely clear, we instead called him "The Orb", and he went on to become a well known musician under this moniker*.

And Rod was known as mallet because a) he had a square head, and b) kept running into trees.

Broadbent didn't need a nickname.

Being an Alistair, I did. I never had a nickname, though. I had rubbish friends.

(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:57, Reply)
Thanks to a rather un-kind bully I was called "'ish" It was apparently due to my Irish heritage and stood for Irish Shit Head. Oh how I laughed.

Me: "What time is it?"
Bully: "It's nine 'ISH!"

OK, it's not funny, but definitely qualifies as a worst nickname

length, girth, blah b-blah blah
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:56, Reply)
I was called Smelly as well.
It was only due to an unfortunate accident with a bottle of perfume on the first day of term though I hasten to add. I think it was a bottle of 'Charlie' so it was probably deserved anyway.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:55, Reply)
I used to be called dishwater
Due to the fact that i rinse myself regularly with plates of leftovers
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:55, Reply)
Jonny Drainpipe
Long long time ago, that was my nickname, no idea where Jonny came from, but the drainpipe was because i wore drainpipe jeans at the time.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:55, Reply)
I had a physics teacher
who, according to school legend, had opened his first lesson with "I'm an easy going chap - you can call me anything you like. Except Biggles."

By the time I was there, things had escalated to the point that whistling the Dambusters march or using your fingers as goggles was a detention offence.

I've posted this before in answer to another question, haven't I?
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:55, Reply)
a while at middle school i was called michael smelly welly jelly belly kelly. because i was fat.. we were creative kids
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:54, Reply)
There was a bloke at school whose name was bean, not surprisingly because his head was shaped like bean...

Oh not that funny really...

(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:50, Reply)
In year 9 of an all boys private school, we had this hardcore physical education teacher. He would make us run 5km as a warmup, then got us to do weights and play rugby.

Each week we would run the same track. Up a hill, out of school, in school again, down the hill, around an oval, back up the hill etc...

The hill made it harder.

Anyway, I originally wasn't very good at this. Read: CRAP. I would die halfway, only to have this teacher practically verbally whipping me (if he actually had a whip he would have used it), to keep me running.

So rather than people who just give up and walk, I'm out there every week running the whole thing. A couple of the times I collapsed at the end, I was often delirious. The teacher liked my efforts and kept an eye on me. He made it his mission to make me into a human machine.

He also taught me maths, and since I was his "project", he would give me nicknames.

Nicknames he gave me: "The Bertram", "The Bertie", "The machine", "The man, the moment...", "The tank", "The bug", "The Beetle" ( not that Bertie Beetle was a popular chocolate at the time), "The second coming", and god knows what else. Some people found this vaguely amusing, most thought it kinda cool.

So over the course of the year I'm still running every week, and whatever else. I gradually get better, the teacher yelling abuse and encouragement (didn't really remember which) all the way.

At the end of the year we had a cross country run. 10km or something. Out of some 120 students, possibly more, I came 14th or something. I beat people in the actual Cross Country club, I beat athletics proteges, I beat my friends, I FUCKING KICKED ARSE.

Just as I was finishing, the teacher walks up to me, smiles, and says "Good job Bertram", and then walks off into the sunset.

oh, and to stay on topic, those nicknames were slightly
awkward and embarassing sometimes, hence why i didn't like them

(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:50, Reply)
For years while working for the Underground I was known as Milky, short for "Milky Bar Kid". This is because I am blonde and wear glasses.

There are still people who I meet that I used to work with that only know me by the name Milky and never learned my real name.

I'm thirty six.

EDIT: Thinking back, I actually remember one of my co-workers referring to me as that while explaining an assault to the police.

Scary Dave "Yeah, he's come up the stairs, run through the barrier, then smacked Milky over the head with a bottle".
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:49, Reply)

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