Touche! Legless
The mouth, although roomier isn't designed for a dick to be shoved in but it doesn't stop people doing it.
( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:39, Reply)

ThatBloke
Don't take it personally mate. For the record, I'm not a fan of anal with either sex. It's a cultural thing with me. The arse isn't designed for that.

I'm happier with a decent pair of top-bollcks and a minge thankyouverymuch.....But, it's personal choice and I'm not one to knock other peoples sexual preferences. Whatever floats your boat.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:32, Reply)

I personally would never have sex with another man
I just can't stand the taste of cock.
(Light, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:29, Reply)

Not MY bad sex
May have caused it though. (Hi Bowen you Lurker )
Many moons ago (1987ish) we (3-4 lads) often went to the local cinema. We either went in my car (Allegro) or my mates parents' (a MASSIVE peugot estate). Now in the back of said estate was (sometimes) his brothers Tuba. Not much fun, 'til we hit on an evil plan.
We would often stop off in a local village for a chinese around 11pm, and after go to the local woods to eat it, muck about, throw rice around etc. Our trick, after eating, was to spot some car parked up (presumably with an amorous couple inside), turn off lights and engine (with some momentum), glide up to it and give an almighty "parp" out the window with the tuba, hit the ignition and get out there pronto.
Happy Days :-)
(kitescreech still here, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:26, Reply)

XX v XY
Girls' bottoms are fragrant paradises, veritable rose gardens the lot of them.

Boys' bottoms, on the other hand, are foul sewers whose vile emissions would make the eyes of a statue water.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:21, Reply)

RE Anal Sex of the Gay Variety...
...Legless (and others with similar misconceptions), if I were you I wouldn't dwell on it so much - people will talk.

Besides, whilst 'getting your knob covered in shit' as you so eloquently put it is a hazard in such circles (rings? nah, better not), it doesn't happen nearly as often as you seem to believe and there's plenty of ways to make sure that it doesn't turn out to be the case. It's just another personal hygiene thing to us. And I'll let you in on a closely guarded secret - {looks around and whispers conspirationally} - girls poo too. And I'm willing to bet they don't take nearly as much care of thier arses as we do.

I'd mince off in a self-satisfied, made-my-point manner about now, but I've never been the mincy type :)

EDIT: Okay, no offence taken, well maybe a bit, but nothing personal. Legless' post was the proverbial straw and someone had to stand up and defend us gayers - there's another name for the sort that like playing around in faeces :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:15, Reply)

Ewww
Shag a bloke? And get my knob covered in shit? No thanks.

Anyway - there's no way I'd shag a bloke. Dirty bastards, the lot of them.

(BTW - Why do women wear makeup and perfume? - 'Cos they're ugly and they stink......)

I thenk ewe. I'm under the pier all week....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:02, Reply)

Periods
What the hell is all this "ewww girls have periods, ewwww women are dirty"?? if you don't like women then go shag a bloke!
(angelica666, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 10:56, Reply)

Big-girls-blouse
Does the 16-year-old know? Did you swap?
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 10:45, Reply)

Pelvic Floors
I'm told (by rachelswipe I think) that two out of every three women stood in a crowded tube train are working the pelvic floors at any given time.

Quite how she knows this statistic is another issue. A new poll for Gallup perhaps?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 21 Jun 2007, 10:25, Reply)

Big-girls-blouse
it's not because it's tighter

it's because it's a bit naughtier and hence, exciting. tightness is good obviously, but that's not the main attraction

before you ask, my gf has excellent pelvic floor muscles
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 10:24, Reply)

Re; Floyd the grocer
If more women practised their pelvic floor exercises then men wouldn't want anal sex all the time. I'm 42 years old but have the pelvic floor of a 16 year old. Of course it helps if you dont have children.

Come on girls, squeeze... one, two, three, release.....one, two, three.
( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 10:19, Reply)

On the subject of the larger lady....
The worst sex I ever had was with fat bird.

I got on top and burnt my arse on the lightbulb.

badumtish!
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 10:18, Reply)

starfish
at the local indie pit, back in the day. done my digging, obvious im in. suggest we go outside.. object of my spadework agrees.

we find the nearest bunker (indie pit is at a country club by a golf course), its all dark, we lie down, get trousers and various other bits of clothing off and she starfishes.

just lies there.

i get my teenage rocks off, and we wander back to the club.

absolutely the most totally unsatisfying sex i have ever had.


length? irrelevant. she didnt seem to be on the same planet.
(magictorch, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 10:15, Reply)

George Formby
I was strumming away furiously on my instrument when I felt searing pain, looked down, blood everywhere, my Ukelele string had snapped

.....oh hang on....
(barrington, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 8:59, Reply)

Who enjoys yeast infections?
Did you know you can get them in your mouth? Nothing like having gone down on the lass, enjoying it immensely, only to have pointed out that "I've got a little thrush there".

Why the Christ have you a common garden bird nesting in your.... oh, i see.

Wake up some 3 days later after she's left and i'm on my tod in the middle of her town i don't know that well at all, to discover the most vile disgusting yellow stuff on my tongue. Things don't taste so good. Or, in fact, look so good either. Food becomes sickeningly yellow, and i don't eat for 2 days.

So, i do what every person does. I phone NHS24. Of course, after much fuckery as i was a) in the wrong country (I'm a Scot, it was England), b) lots of shunting around 'nurses' and 'operators' i eventually get a quick diagnosis:

"Oh, you've got oral thrush."
"Right, so my tongue ain't gonna fall off?"
"Nope."
...

"Now what?"
"Go to A&E."
"...right."

So, off to A&E i trots. To discover a 4 hour wait, followed by a bunch of students 'examining' my tongue and then a trainee doctor misdiagnosing me after the initial diagnosis had been faxed to her.

So, a week long hassle for a 15 minute tussle.

Worst sex? Clearly the longest, most prolonged annoyance i've ever had. And in real life too.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 7:33, Reply)

Another one....
Some random guy that i met and ended up going for a drink with... shagged him on the platform while waiting for the tube home. And came on - messy, but it didn't seem to put him off.

Soooo classy....
(newname, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 4:02, Reply)

Tbh, the sex was pretty good, but its a good sory anyway, so w/e...
This whole night has abut 7 diffrent stems into stories I can tell, but I'll jus concentrate on the main one for now, I shall tell the others if the QOTW's come up in the future...

Basically, me and two of my mates (lets call em A & B coz they'll kill me if they know I've put this story out) had a couple at the pub and then back to B's house for a few after clsoing time. B had pulled with a bird the previous night and us being pissed decided to give her a bell. Givin' us the all clear to go down, we all get into the quickest taxi and jump down, 1am in the morning.

We arrive. The house is occupied by two roommates, and I cant remember the two girls names but I know they had the same name, anyway. B goes straight into the bedroom in 5 minutes of arriving and both me and A are sat on the couch chattin to the other (fit) housemate, both in a unwritten rule of "the best man wins".

Bear in mind, we've all pretty much had 3-4 pints down the pub, a litre of some irish coffee liquor shit, and a few cans. We decide to hit the sambuka... not in shots you see, jus drinking it like its a pint. We were all fucked.

A goes to the bog. At this point, I though I was gonig to be left in the living room by myself at one point but then heaven behold, the bird immediatly starts kissing me out of nowhere! A walks back in and we stop. This probably repeats 3-4 times in the next hour.

The 4th time, A walks back in, the girl doesnt stop this time, instead she moves over into me on the couch, and gets on top of me, in front of A. I couldn't look any cooler, feeling like wanting to stop and saying to him "that's how you do it mate!"

At least I did until all that sambuka made me throw up on her couch, carpets, thankfully not the girl, all her the stairs on the way down after I run out of her flat as A sits there laughing his head off.

Outside I decide whilst throwing the last of it up that I'll bail, grab the first taxi and go home, because I can't face gonig back up... then the lovely lady comes out and starts patting my back, making me feel so much more like an total cunt.

Me (whilst spewing against a wall): "I'm proper sorry"
Girl: "It's OK, I still fancy you"
Me: "I know, I fancy you too"

To which she grabs my hand, leads me back up the stairs, past my spew on the landing of her flat into her bedroom, were we done the dirty.

Whilst going for my life, B's finnished up, and both him and A decide that this would be the best time to barge through her unlocked door, allowing both of them and the other roommate to see a full shot of me shooting the lot inside her. They all run out pissing themselves, she puts her clothes back on, kisses me and says "well you've defo done that before! Your amazing!" making me wear a beaming smile for the rest of the week. Me & my mates got off 10 minutes later.

Good Times.

Epilogue: I did see the girl a month later when I was in the dentist and decided to say hi and get number after I was done, but I was getting an exraction, and decided that the fact that I couldn't talk with the cocaine they put in to numb my mouth, wouldn't be very attractive.

Apolgies for length... like I said, they saw the whole thing.
(billybobbean is still trying to make it QOTW's best of the week, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 2:42, Reply)

Not really bad just weird and amusing
One time i went to see my "fuck buddy" and got drunk and talked about many things, but one question escaped us when we were drunk which was "who was Johnny Depp in POTC?" (jack sparrow obv).
It was during a session that night with my fuck buddy that the answer popped into my head halfway through, thus cue me yelling it aloud and we both stopped and had a merry giggle for a while.
Needless to say we didnt bother after that, the next time was great however hehe
(Kuja335, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 0:37, Reply)

Soap dodgers
Everyone wiffs if they dodge soap. Fat or thin!

Smelly people should wash. I couldn't sleep with a smelly person if you paid me.
(Just a girl., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 0:35, Reply)

Chubs
I've had a similar chubby BO occurence.

Ill be honest it put me off. Big time
(Staffs Giraffe, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 0:27, Reply)

My two cents on the 'chubby' debate
I went out with a 'larger' girl who was and is a very attractive girl. I'm not somebody with a physical type, I'm attracted to a person's personality...

Incidently, she's the one who took my brown wings :| So I must've liked her at the time.

The only thing I'd say against her (anonymously on the internet, of course) is that she had a bit of a problem with body odour- but I was prepared to ignore that at the time, as she was giving me teh sex :D

She also had a particular talent. It involved the kegel muscles, and a vice like grip. I can say no more.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 0:19, Reply)

Handjobs
Girls are frikkin shit at hand jobs.

That is all.
(Staffs Giraffe, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 23:53, Reply)

PJM has reminded me
of something I'm sure has happened to a lot of us (please god don't let it just be me).

After a gf had rather enthusiastically sat on my face (alternating with a 69) for quite some time, I disappeared of to the loo to have an aftershagfest pee (you know the one).
When I turned on the light in the bathroom I noticed I was sporting a rather fetching Rudolph the brown nose raindeer.
There was a brown stain, about the size of a five pence piece, on the end of my nose.

cheers for that.

No, really. Thanks.
(EvilMeister, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 23:29, Reply)

hmmm
first time (and all the rest) was shit. he said he'd had 15 others before me...big arse sucking bollocks to that.

he was damn hot, tall, sexy...i was smitten. i'd been a good girl and held out for about a month into the 'relationship'. long story cut short, st paddy's day, bit too much of the black stuff. get back to his and think 'fuck it' might as well now im here. i lie there all naked and hot as (i digress but i do have a kick ass body). he gets on top, wriggles about a bit and then starts pounding away like a dog on ur leg type. i was told to keep still or 'he would get distracted'. no kissing, no hands anywhere, just grunting. o god the grunting. i swear a pig would be proud.

i think the only way i can describe how i felt is to liken it to an inflatible doll. i lay there like a fucking piece of meat while he was at it for 45 mins until finally i pushed him off saying that he'd 'pulled out, slammed in and missed' ....hense i was in pain and needed to stop.

i didn't even bother to finish him off i was that annoyed.

this happened for a period of about 2 more months until i got that pissed off with not actually 'having any fun' i finished it..well sort of. long story for another qotw (god help u)

so far im delighted to say i've fucked several more 'real' men. one of whom was (still is) a raf pilot, and o god was he good. (no grunting!)

15 others my arse. i think the closest thing he ever got to fuck before me was his hand.

wanker

length..?? alright but he didn't know how to use the fucking thing!!
(mcspannered yes m'lord, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 22:53, Reply)

I tore my frenulum..
..or as doctors call it, the 'banjo-string'.. but didn't actually notice at the time. Cocks bleed. A lot. It was fairly dark and it wasn't until I was going down on her that she noticed blood on my face..

She thought it was her and starts apologising. Then I notice it's me and the sheets are soaked in blood..

My mate (her brother) still doesn't like hearing this story..
( mugwump In summary then, oh no. Chris., Wed 20 Jun 2007, 22:50, Reply)

Drifting off topic...
Personally, I've never known anyone be offensive during the time of the month. I've known it happen with no prior warning right in the middle of stuff. Frankly, it's not going to make me think "Ewww you're unclean!".

What does bother me though, is anything arse-related... I just don't get it. I'd be more grossed out by anything faecal than anything menstrual, that's for sure.

Horses for courses at the end of the day, we're all made differently an each to their own. I just know where my gross out limit is.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 20 Jun 2007, 22:43, Reply)

Keep 'em coming, lads...
There's nothing like reading the sex stories of male b3tans to make me feel good about not having had sex for years.
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 22:22, Reply)

It does smell yes.
But so did my last girlfriends cum. In fact I stink after an hour or so on the job.

You can't not have sex because of offensive odours. You'ld have to becomre celibate.

Come to think of it, my last gf's cum smelt much worse than her menstrual discharge. Used to put me right off.

And that's saying something as I'll go down on a girl who's on the blob, since I'm a dirty little fucker.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 22:08, Reply)

Edenmonster
But when it's coming out of a girl's chuff it's just wrong. And it smells funny and doesn't have that nice coppery taste that proper blood has.

I once accidentally cut my ladyfriend becaused I hadn't trimmed my fingernails (well I wasn't planning on having sex! I was peacefully reading a book!). Even then, it just smelled like regular blood. Not like the foul smelling ichor that issues forth from their at 4 weekly intervals.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 21:56, Reply)