I've just got a spiffing new haircut.
Keep an eye out for the glossy celeb magazines this week, they'll probably all be fascinated with it.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:26, archived)

I want to run awaaaaaaaaaaaaay

( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:27, archived)

Joining the circus is a bad idea.
It involves far more prostitution than you'd imagine.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:27, archived)

I ran away from the circus when a child so I could join a travelling accountancy clerks.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:31, archived)

This is more or less the true story of John Major.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:31, archived)

If we painted him green he would look EXACTLY like Kermit the Frog

( Derpasaurus DOG FARTS, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:36, archived)

my dad played badminton with him, in nigeria.

( sleepybinky, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:36, archived)

My dad played football with Dire Straits

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:37, archived)

my dad helped build mark knopfler's new house
and worked on a boat for simon le bon, i think
( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:38, archived)

Been out drinking with Mark Kopfler and the editor of Time Out to see Little Barrie at 100 club.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:39, archived)

i met kriss akabusi in a toyshop on christmas eve!

( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:40, archived)

WINNER!
AWOOGA!
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:41, archived)

that's john fashnu, you berk!

( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:48, archived)

actually, they might both have said it
I CAN'T REMEMBER
( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:49, archived)

I met Rolf Harris in Newcastle airport.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:42, archived)

He signed my University Card

( WormuIus, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:43, archived)

my dad's got a Ferarri with a drumkit in the back

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:40, archived)

Your nickname is 'drumkit'

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:40, archived)

yeah well my dad IS your dad

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:40, archived)

my dad's still bigger.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:41, archived)

my dad could have my dad

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:41, archived)

awesome
both my parents went on a canal boat trip with Vic Reeves, sometime in the distant past. There are some funny and unfashionable photos.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:41, archived)

that's a good one

( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:45, archived)

that's quite a claim

( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:37, archived)

I want to break free.

(MooCow_Byter, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:33, archived)

I want candy.

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:34, archived)

I want to know what love is.

(MooCow_Byter, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:35, archived)

I want is my two front teeth, All for christmas.

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:36, archived)

i want to breakdance

( spacefish bong!, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:42, archived)

I want to ride my bicycle.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:33, archived)

I wanna be sedated

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:34, archived)

HANG ON do you need my rb address? i am moving on the 21st or so.....

( sleepybinky, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:35, archived)

YAY HOUSE TO RENT.
gonna have a bathtub, a garden, a shed, a proper kitchen...
( sleepybinky, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:35, archived)

ooooh!
where is your new house? Near to where you are now?
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:37, archived)

it's in TOWN baby.
near the PARK and the PUB and things.
( sleepybinky, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:39, archived)

wa-fucking-hey!

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:42, archived)

i want you to want me

( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:35, archived)

Male Behive is SOOOOO 1790s

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:27, archived)

Oh, beehive yourself.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:27, archived)

I did that at the weekend
and had my face very close to being buried in the armpit of the wee woman washing my hair. It's alright, she was quite fit in a titchy sort of a way (I'm 5ft3 and I was a good few inches taller)
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:28, archived)

I now have the slightly odd feeling of having a beard longer than my top-of-the-head hair.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:29, archived)

Do a handstand, quick.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:30, archived)

I might crash my skateboard if I do that.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:31, archived)

Not if you're RAD.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:32, archived)

TOTALLY TUBULAR!

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:33, archived)

GNARLY

( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:34, archived)

handstand manual!

( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:33, archived)

What style of haircut did you get?

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:31, archived)

I woke up on Saturday morning with bunches.
I quite liked them.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:32, archived)

bunches is totally the name of your pet monkey
pervo
( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:34, archived)

My teddy when younger was a luminous gorilla called Boris. I would pick his leather nose really fast when I was anxious

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:37, archived)

...

( WormuIus, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:38, archived)

Hush your lips guffbeak, you used to bite people you thunderous spastic :)

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:40, archived)

I thought that was just your mum's way of showing affection

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:42, archived)

Your mum shows affection my pecking you on the head
with her massive bill because she's a deranged pelican.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:46, archived)

Your mum shows you she loves you by
taking chunks of flesh out of any girls who may be interested in you.

It's just something mothers do
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:50, archived)

this is actually true

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:55, archived)

Aww, *ruffles hair*

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 11 May 2009, 13:02, archived)

The same. Long layers, keeping as much length as possible, Veronica Lake front fringy bit.
The front fringy bit's a tad too short, but it'll grow in.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:32, archived)

:D
I managed to style my hair last night, we have a low beam (~6'2") between my bedroom and the upstairs bathroom. At some point in the night I think I may have smacked my head on it hard enough to cut myself. I woke up this morning and there was blood spots on my rug and I had a nice big gash in my hair.
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:38, archived)

Good work!

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:39, archived)

Yes I was rather impressed.
I hit my head on that beam far too regularly in the morning just after I wake up. This was only time I can recall doing it at night though, maybe it was just the first time I've hit it hard enough to cut myself :P
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:41, archived)

There is not a single hair on my entire body.

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Mon 11 May 2009, 12:32, archived)

Your pubes blow off if there is a gentle breeze

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:34, archived)

you assume there were pubes to start with

(Goatse not a comedy account, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:35, archived)

I've just said there's not a hair on my body.
There are no pubes to blow away.
( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Mon 11 May 2009, 12:36, archived)

does it look like a baby mouse asleep on a swimming cap and a large lychee?

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:37, archived)

It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple.
But about 1/10 scale.
( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Mon 11 May 2009, 12:38, archived)

Awwwwww.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:39, archived)

no hang on,
does that image have a foreskin?

I've got a foreskin.
( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Mon 11 May 2009, 12:40, archived)

I've not.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:40, archived)

Are you sure?
Can I have a look?
( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Mon 11 May 2009, 12:41, archived)

Yes, no.
I'm positive, I've had a good old look. Definitely a girl.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:42, archived)

Can I touch it?

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Mon 11 May 2009, 12:43, archived)

you're brave.
It eats boys twice your size.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:44, archived)

Matthew Walliams would love to do comedy with you.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:38, archived)

I'm sure amanda holden will be upset

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:33, archived)

Though it's very difficult to tell.
LOLBOTOX
( RR I love you ... in a way, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:34, archived)

At least she won't look it.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:34, archived)

How will you be able to tell?

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:35, archived)

will anyone notice?!
how many other ways are there of wording this joke?
( manolith hooray for me, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:36, archived)

You all know she had a stroke last year?
I hope you all feel terrible.
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:38, archived)

You'd think
but my grandpa had a stroke and it didn't make him look like a fairly expensive blow up doll.

Well, unless you like that sort of thing, I guess.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:38, archived)

I leave my blow up dolls stuffed in a mug especially for the wrinkled pensioner look on partial inflation

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:41, archived)

My grandpa = sexier, prettier, nicer, better, more human than Amanda Holden.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:42, archived)

her face doesn't move.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:41, archived)

But she's got no nose!

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:46, archived)

I'm starting to look a bit 80's, with not having had a haircut for ages
but I must persevere, so I can have long(ish) hair again.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:34, archived)

80s duran duran
or
80s Strawberry Swithcblade?

Anything else is just a haircut.
(thediscokingpin, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:38, archived)

Flock Of Seagulls

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:42, archived)

I had my usual short back and sides.
And top.
Easy to maintain.
(thediscokingpin, Mon 11 May 2009, 12:37, archived)