I've just been meandering around the web
Flitting from page to page and I ended up at this

www.arachnoboards.com/ab/showthread.php?t=133925

It's a page on a Tarantula owners forum detailing what happened when they got bit by their pets. No pix, just words.

Reading it made me think "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU CUNTS" I mean, it's a fucking poisonous spider and you're bringing it into your house, then fucking about with it till it bites you. I hope they all die.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:23, archived)

I bet they're all trying to fuck Mandi

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:26, archived)

Who is Mandi ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:28, archived)

She came and she gave without taking

(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:28, archived)

pfft

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:33, archived)

Her picture is halfway down the page.

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:29, archived)

spiderwoman
bitten by a spider and turned into something fugly.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:30, archived)

I wouldn't touch her with yours

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:30, archived)

I wouldn't ride her into battle

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:31, archived)

I wouldnt try to pass her off as Sammi's long lost sister

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:32, archived)

I wouldn't saddle her up and go ram-raiding.

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:34, archived)

I wouldnt have her perched on the roof of my cathedral

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:35, archived)

I wouldn't tie her shoelaces in a reverse rolling hitch

( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:37, archived)

I wouldnt do her from behind with a paper bag over my head.

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:37, archived)

I wouldn't say no.

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:38, archived)

She is your sister after all...

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:41, archived)

I wouldn't touch her for charity

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:35, archived)

I wouldn't round her Cape of Good Hope

( magnum, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:37, archived)

I wouldn't decorate her birthday cake

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:39, archived)

I wouldn't sand down her bannisters.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:40, archived)

I wouldn't trim her hedge

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:40, archived)

i wouldn`t clean her attic

( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:41, archived)

I wouldn't scoop out her fishtank.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:42, archived)

I wouldnt milk her boomslang

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:43, archived)

I wouldn't pump
brine out of her terraced moat after a heavy rainfall that was not forecast but which was seasonally normal for that time of year
( The Neville What what what, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:58, archived)

I wouldnt clip her hooves

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:41, archived)

I wouldn't wear her hat

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:42, archived)

I wouldnt wash her knickers

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:43, archived)

I wouldn`t wash her smalls

( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:43, archived)

KNICKERPISS

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:44, archived)

more than likely

( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:45, archived)

I wouldn't French polish her table

( magnum, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:40, archived)

I wouldn't have sex with her

(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:47, archived)

Of course you would. You're like a dog the day before he goes to have his balls lopped off.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:48, archived)

What have you heard?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:50, archived)

Allsorts.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:51, archived)

It's probably all true
:(
(PsychoChomp, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:52, archived)

You look the type...

( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:54, archived)

Oh that one
the one that said "I felt like I had just done a major workout" but looks as though a "major workout" for her consists of opening her 18th bag of Doritos.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:31, archived)

Harry Potter quotes and Xbox gamertag in signature: Check
254 posts on a forum about spiders: Check
Picture taken from angle to avoid chins: Check

WHOA MOMMA!
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:34, archived)

I bet she's a hottie
hottie faghag
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:37, archived)

I bet she causes internet drama
I bet she cheats on her WoW boyfriend with a forum mod.
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:38, archived)

Steady on Baroness.
That's getting a bit too close to home for some around here...
( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:40, archived)

DRAMA!

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:44, archived)

Let's make some up.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:49, archived)

Such pretty words
if only I understood them.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:42, archived)

Cross-dressing Ghandi

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:29, archived)

It's not poisonous, you spaz.
Tarantulas are not poisonous.
( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:26, archived)

they are if you pump them full of poison.

( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:27, archived)

They are if you
drop them in a bucket of bleach and then drink the bleach.
( The Neville What what what, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:28, archived)

Ok then, venomous
Pedantic cunt.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:28, archived)

No-one has ever died from a tarantula bite.
The varieties kept as pets are not dangerous. Their urticating hairs can hurt, though.
( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:32, archived)

Their urinating hairs?
I died from a tarantula bite once, it wasn't a nice experience.
( The Neville What what what, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:34, archived)

No one ever died from a kick in the bollocks
but if my pet kept kicking me in the bollocks or even threatening to kick me in the bollocks I'd have it out of the house pretty fucking sharpish.

And you may find that no healthy adult has been killed by a tarantula bite, kids, the elderly and housebound fatties might not be so robust.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:34, archived)

do you want urticating hair chat
call now on 0898 555 3456
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:34, archived)

*real snigger*

( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:36, archived)

What if you're allergic?

(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:34, archived)

But that's like saying peanuts are deadly, because some people are allergic!

( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:38, archived)

What if the peanut is thirty foot
tall and armed with gauss cannons?
( The Neville What what what, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:40, archived)

silly, without any legs the nut would simply roll back once it tried to fire the cannons.

( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:41, archived)

Peanuts can't bite you, you absolute fucking retard.

(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:40, archived)

Says you

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:44, archived)

Well done, I think I just did.

(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:45, archived)

they can
you simply break one open and use it as a maraca and attack people with maraca peanut attack.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:46, archived)

They are if you paint them with lead.

(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:29, archived)

They are if [reason]

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:34, archived)

They are if they've bitten other people who had STIs

( Major Turd for tonight only, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:34, archived)

they're venomous, not poisonous you tosspot

( Lightguy hail satan, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:27, archived)

What happens if you sellotape 30
tarantulas together and then give them a crossbow armed with poison tipped darts?
( The Neville What what what, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:30, archived)

I'm going to start the same board,
but for hamster owners
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:28, archived)

"I was bitten by my Russian hamster and
now my face has swolled up to three times the size of my body. I mean my freakin' head is the size of a sofa. What the fuck? I think my hamster had rabies or syphilis. It's ok though, I killed it by throwing it into a food processor."

Later..

"Christ, why did I do that? That's a horrible thing to have done. My head has reduced in size now though, it's now only the size of a small TV"
( The Neville What what what, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:33, archived)

it's venom, not spiderman
you plum
( manolith hooray for me, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:28, archived)

What if
the tarantula isn't actually a tarantula but is actually a shark that's been coated in poison?
( The Neville What what what, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:31, archived)

and forced into a tarantula's skin.

(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:32, archived)

And then infected
with rabies and syphilis
( The Neville What what what, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:34, archived)

and given a top hat and moustache.

(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:35, archived)

My pet lion never eats me
Just nibbles at my feet every so often
( Theoban What of it, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:28, archived)

I'd tell the internet and wouldn't go to the hospital or anything.

( Major Turd for tonight only, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:29, archived)

they should at least make the tarantula radioactive before doing that

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:31, archived)

People add 'ntula' to the end of my name
because I'm small and venomous.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:32, archived)

Blue Starntula?

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:33, archived)

Yes.
Obviously.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:36, archived)

Bluentula Starntula
FUCK YEAH
( The Neville What what what, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:36, archived)

lovely spread on fresh french bread
its that yeasty taste that just wont be forgotten.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:36, archived)

and you've got hairy legs

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:05, archived)

'Arachnoknight'

( GrandmaOfShoes, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:49, archived)

GMOS !
You've come to this thread late but I feel you are here to add a golden sheen to it with your GMOS-ness.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:53, archived)

I apologise for my lateness

( GrandmaOfShoes, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:59, archived)

I'm not going to look
for I fear my brother might be on there :(
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 14:57, archived)

I can think of few things creepier than a spider-furry

( Theoban What of it, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:01, archived)

I can only imagine how awful the costume would be.

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:03, archived)

Eight four foot penises as legs

( Theoban What of it, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:03, archived)

how's about this then?
creativebits.org/french_aids_posters

nsfw-ish
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:04, archived)

The French will fuck anything

( Theoban What of it, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:06, archived)

I had a bath next to a spider today.
I didn't notice it until I'd got in, it was only tiny. It wasn't far above the waterline so I was worried I might was it away, but it was still there when I got it out. Probably slept through the whole thing.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:06, archived)

it was still there when you got it?
lucky spider
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:07, archived)

got out.
damn my semi-autonomous fingers.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:13, archived)