Pope - (pop!)
When holy father John Paul II was lying in state....

um....

.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:39, Reply)

I Find
Most situations and things erotic, the illustrated joke "how do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend" "shit in her c**t" had me pulsatin. earlier as i crossed the street i imagined being hit by a car and my corpse raped. Tonight I'll go home and masterbate about innapropriate things... I'm always making comments to friends younger siblings and gettin 13 yr old girls so drunk they pass out. This arouses me.
(AnGeBloWz, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:32, Reply)

Lady Dentists
I needed to have a filling replaced. I got an temporary one put in by the Dental hospital in Edinburgh, and the most goregeous brunette ever did the work. Damn, she fine! But I didn't get boobies pressed into my face. But I needed it done properly.
Since there are no NHS dentists about anymore, I had to go private. (I am very skint, so I wasn't happy about this). Still, the dentist was wearing a tight shirt, tight labcoat, spectacles, blonde hair and she was a newly qualified dentist; in short, a honey. And she did shove her boobies into the side of my face whilst doing the dental work. So I didn't mind that it seemed to take me 2 appointments to get one sodding filling done, at about £50 a pop.
( drunkenoaf, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:31, Reply)

in Japan...
...where women tend to go for very clean-cut conventional types a la Tom Cruise, Mormon missionaries are apparently considered suave and sexy - on top of the general appeal that white men in general have for many Japanese women.

Thus presumably meaning that they wouldn't have to pay for sex.

Despite their unconventional clothing.

I only read this in a book rather than living in Japan, so it might be an urban myth.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:28, Reply)

not quite on topic...
...but does this feel a bit like a geeky version of the letters page of Escort or Mayfair?

honest mum i don't know who's those magazines are hiding behind the cupboard>blushes<
(notsurehowfunnythisis, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:25, Reply)

anal-fisting-related merriment.
Once a doctor, in the course of his profession, had to stick a finger up my nether part.

Just before he did this, he decided to help me relax by saying "right, let's see if we can't make an Oxford Street courier out of you". Oxford Street in Sydney being famous for gay entertainment venues.

I found this deliberately un-erotic.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:21, Reply)

The letter 'W'
I had to have special handrwriting lessons in my second year at secondary school (not because I was dim, just because my scrawl was utterly illegible - think drunken neurotic spider with a twitch).

The teacher who gave these 'special' lessons was Miss Reeves, the amazingly attractive English teacher, who was also my form teacher that year.

I didn't tell anyone about the lessons, mainly to avoid being teased for being a spaz and for having 'private' lessons with a teacher that all of the overdeveloped testosterone freaks in my year were obsessed with.

Anyway, to teach me to write like a normal person she sat next to me at a desk and observed the way I wrote and suggested writing exercises to improve my hand.

Sometimes her leg would brush against mine, sending a jolt of *something* all the way through me.

One occasion she got me writing the lower case letter 'w'. Big strings of them. To me in this strange situation they looked like breasts. Big bouncy breasts. Cue instant combination of horniness and utter embarrassment - surely she could see that I had drawn breasts. Lovely, long lines of pert, jiggling breasts. I spent the rest of the lesson in the most wierdly charged erotic state (or at least as much of a state that my twelve year old self could get into).

Every time I write the letter 'w' I think of breasts and I think of Miss Reeves.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:18, Reply)

It was like that when I found it
When I was 17 I picked up my motorbike after some dickhead had kicked it over, and as I did so I felt a horrible burning tearing sensation in my lower abdomen. Fast forward a couple of years (you’ll have to imagine the wavy shimmery lines and fade-out)….

…aaaand I found myself laying in a hospital bed shortly due to be wheeled into theatre for an operation to repair a grapefruit-sized abdominal hernia. It was situated just above the groin on the right hand side of my body, and as you may expect it was necessary to remove a bit of hair from this area before they could slit me open.

A nurse came over to the bed with a paper sheet, metal bowl and a disposable razor and informed me that I would need to shave off my pubes. No problem, thought I, kinda cool and amusing to see what it’ll all look like. So I smiled confidently to her, took the razor and said no worries, be done in two minutes.

As she began to draw the curtain around the bed, I glanced up and happened to rest my eyes upon the other nurse on duty on the ward. She was early twenties, Irish, jet black hair and snow white skin, and bloody gorgeous.

Oh, and she was sat behind a desk with no “modesty board” and had her legs quite wide apart – I could quite clearly see straight up her kilt with a perfect view of her skimpy little drawers with a clear camel-toe line up the middle and bits of hairy black bush* peeping out either side.

The curtains closed, and on cue two minutes later they opened again and nurse number one came back in, to find me sat on the bed naked from the waist down, shaved quite clear of pubes – and with the most enormous raging** erection she could surely have seen for quite some time.

She looked at me, I looked at her, and said “um, it’s, er, it’s not what it looks like....”

The worst thing was I didn’t even get the chance to wank the thing away for another two days.

* hey, it was the 80s
** hey, I was nineteen
.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:13, Reply)

I have a rather expensive 5.1 surround sound system...
... which includes a large, free-standing subwoofer.

This is the part of the system which rumbles away very deeply and powerfully, creating oodles of bass.

I remember having a drunken party over at my place, and my girlfriend inviting her friends to turn up the base and ride it while we played Daft Punk.

It was most definitely the strangest sexual experience I ever had, watching a succession of fit females sit astride this wooden box and listening too their 'oohs' and 'uummmmms.'

Also, my gf once said that she loves going over bumps too fast in her car ... She said it feels so nice, and that there must be lots of women working at the council who greenlight these things. So now you know.
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 14:06, Reply)

As a teenager......
...I used to go to a hairdressers run by a slightly portly girl in her early 30's. Not a great deal to look at but god had granted her with the largest chest my young and horny eyes had ever come across. They used to brush against my shoulder as she cut my hair and I could look down her top as she cut the front. The beauty of it being a hairdressers was that my growing excitement was always hidden by the massive gown they put over you to stop the hair getting on your clothes.
I'd go for haircuts as often as possible, even if I quite obviously didn't really need one.

Thinking about it I'm quite ashamed as it's exceptionally perverted.

I'm also bald now. So there's karma for you.
( Evil Bastardo, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:59, Reply)

Situations in life I have found inappropriately erotic?
reading all these lully stories.
(HectorProtector, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:58, Reply)

I just don't know.
So a few months ago, just after starting uni, I go to visit soem friends in anouther flat, one of whom I have a bit of a thing for. I walk into the kitchen and shes standing there in one of the guys hockey gear, liek the chest peice, arm and shin pads, the helmet. I have now idea why that worked for me, she was less naked then ever! Well, I suppose its probebly because one of my flat mates whos a little on the heffty side insists on wearing t shirts that dont cover her belly. I think after enduring that I'd have found Mr T a turn on.
(Mong goose, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:57, Reply)

Swimming pools
I'm a bit of a fitness freak and usually swim two or three times a week at my local pool.

One evening after work I was halfway through my mile when this girl got in my lane and started swimming breast stroke. Not unusual, but two things happened that made it memorable:

1) She was swimming very slowly
2) Every time she kicked her legs the gusset of her bikini bottoms shifted sideways.

I was somewhat surprised to be staring right up at her bare beaver and the difference in speed being so great I overtook at least eight times.

She did need to trim that bikini line though.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:55, Reply)

In a meeting with an estate agent
I had to meet an estate agent at an empty building, and when they turned up i was face to face with an incredibly fit woman. Walking round, I noticed that a: she appeared to be going commando (I had to follow her up the stairs) and b: she was obsessed with sex. On the top floor she exclaimed that 'it's a good room, but you'd be seen shagging by the neighbours', the kitchen 'that worktop looks like it would take some damage', the bathroom 'you'd get 2 friendly people in that bath' I walked around with a raging hard on for half an hour, severely tempted to jump on her and shag her brains out.

Another time going home on the train, some woman sat next to me, fell asleep and leaned on my shoulder, and that gave me the raging horn as well.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:54, Reply)

Appendix
When i was fifteen and went to the hospital with my appendix about to blow an absolutely stunning asian nurse decided she needed to stick her fingers up my arse and play about for a bit.
"oooh, ahhhh, oooh, ARGH HOLY SHIT THAT HURTS"
( Fistymuffs, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:50, Reply)

*ping*
I paid £28 once for a 25 minute boner.

The back and shoulder massage was free.
(Carling, pint of, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:49, Reply)

Oh, so many stories....
Gigs are always a good one. Especially when it's the boyfriend up on stage - I'll be stood right at the front almost touching him, he'll be playing deep, rumbling bass lines that vibrate all up my legs and I can literally smell the pheromones coming off him. Guitars are so phallic anyway... think about it - to a girl (or to me at least) it looks like you're stood there holding your wang. And basses have longer necks... *drools*

Next story! Bit odder, this one. To briefly explain - the boyfriend drives a Morris Minor van. 1969. Bright blue. Lovely. Now, when he's driving at a good speed (relatively speaking) I'm fine, but if he slows it down and crawls along, it vibrates like fuck. We found this out a while back at one of the shows he'd entered it in - for those not in the know, vintage vehicle rallies comprise of a bunch of nutters staying in a big field for a weekend, lots of stalls and stuff, and a ring in the middle where you drive around and show off to the paying public. In the ring you have to drive around VERY SLOWLY - as in, walking pace. At that sort of speed he has to keep fiddling with the clutch, choke etc. in order to keep it going, with the result that it runs a bit "lumpy" - so naturally it vibrates at different speeds and levels of intensity. Nearly had an unfortunate moment last summer when I came so close to orgasm right in the middle of the arena with hundreds of people watching... still, at least I could blame my flushed appearance on the hot weather :) now I've learnt to sit with my feet jammed right at the end of the footwell so I'n not actually touching the seat!

Finally (for now at least), I had my legs waxed professionally for the first and only time about five years ago, before I went on holiday to New Zealand for a month. The hot wax, the short, sharp shock of having it pulled off, the nice (fairly attractive - don't normally like beauty salon types) woman stroking my legs as she smoothed the strips down... all resulted in me having visibly erect nipples when I got up off the table thing, and had a bright red face when I paid. Been too embarrassed to go back since!

Think I'd better go and have a cold shower now.
(apologies for length, but I just like it that way)
( useful_idiot, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:43, Reply)

Celia Imrie
Years ago caught part of a tv drama where a character played by Celia Imrie caught an intruder and pointing a gun at him, told him to undress. Which he did.

Also, when I was 15, two very intimate medical examinations performed on the same day. (Latex gloves were involved.) The second one took place in a hospital and I am sure that more nurses came into that cubicle than were strictly necessary. (I have since heard from a nurse that it is practically considered to be a perk of the job, especially if you are having a bad day.)
(Glen Moranjie, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:37, Reply)

not quite on topic
but I was stuck behind a car the other day, and I was SURE it said it was a "Skoda Labia"....
( brooza wonders how long a sig can be and if this will fit, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:33, Reply)

Typing stories into websites gives me a raging horn
I usually only last a couple of sentences before I...eeeugh...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:27, Reply)

My Psychology Lecturer
When I was at 6th form college in Bury, Greater Manchester (Holy Cross - very good left-footer establishment) I used to get the almighty horn over my psychology lecturer.

She was around my mother's age, and sometimes had mildly hairy legs under her light tan tights. I used to sit as far down my chair as possible (in the front row, next to Nathaniel O'Brian) and get such a hard-on I didn't know what to do with myself. She wasn't even that fit.

Now whenever I sit like an insouciant seventeen year old, or see matronly women with hairy legs who can explain Jung to me, I get a rock-on.

Well, it used to be, but now that I've passed twenty-five, it only mildly shakes itself from its horrendous torpor. Sometimes I cry.
(trebizond, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:22, Reply)

During a recent medical....
I found myself in a state of undress being poked, prodded and tapped by a young looking Polish doctor (female). I did find the whole situation somewhere between enjoyable and erotic.... Well you would, wouldn't you, she had a stethoscope after all.

The feeling swung more and more to the strangely erotic side of the scale as the medical progressed until I noticed she was pregnant..... Then I just felt dirty!!

I probably still would have though.
(The Duke of Pontefract, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:16, Reply)

hard times.....
You try being 12 years old and having a fit nurse handle your nuts! Took the will power of the mighty Zeus not to stand to attention.....

As soon as she left the room tho that was another story. Being 12 though it was scary yet strangly erotic


*....and cough*
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:16, Reply)

Awww...
...was just about to submit a post to the cults one and it got closed whilst I was writing it - it was a good one too.

Arsenuts :(
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:12, Reply)

see also
username: reckless rik
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:07, Reply)

doctors and swimming pools
ok worst time was going to the hottest doctor in the surgery with a stomach problem - lie on the bed and untie your trousers... and then he slid his hands down lets just say im glad im female. ive had so many awekward raging horny moments that are so out of order i love being a woman!!!
though recently me and my fella were having a dirty weekend in a 4star hotel, we were in the pool and he had to stand for a good hour facing the wall under the water trying to think unsexy thoughts. the life guard so knew what was going on she gaev us the eveil tell we left... needless to say it was fun when we got back to the room ;)
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:05, Reply)

when i was an ill teenager
i was in hospital. i had to go for a full torso ultrasound test. i got wheeled off to a low-lit room with a very pretty nurse/doctor/operator woman in it. she proceeded to cover me in that jelly (which is also really cold) right down to the very borderline of my pubic thatch. then she rubbed the scanner thing over me and it took all the willpower i could muster to prevent getting a lob on, especially as it would have been very visible in my lightweight pyjama bottoms.
still wanked about it for years after though.
(hazey, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:02, Reply)

The best job in the world....
I work as a lifeguard, I get to sit around all day looking at good looking women half naked swimming around. A few months back there was this stunning girl with the nicest body I have ever seen, SWIMMING BACKSTROKE! Let's just say I'm glad nobody was drowning cos there was no way I was standing up from that chair!
(silkysean pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:01, Reply)

orthadontist.
back in the day when my teeth were wonky, i went to an orthodontists to get them sorted. the first one i saw (alas she left the practice) wore, under her labcoat a lowcut top. this ensured that, when she lent over my lying state to look in my mouth (from behind my head) her verluptious (sp) breasts nestled my head in a gentle, loving way. first girl whos breasts i touched (if only with my hair), and the only breasts i touched for a good few years yet..

i had to ensure i was 'held up' before lying down, to avoid any embarrasment..
(5lab, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:00, Reply)

First! Huzzah!
I was sat on the jury for a high profle peadophile case. When the seven year old boy was recounting the story of how the predator abused him sexually, I found myself strangely aroused.
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 2 Feb 2006, 13:00, Reply)