GMOS's mum
She was dirty; used nails and all.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:45, Reply)

Mr Camel
got bitten on the nose by a little russian hamster called Freya

But he deserved it, after all he did call her a mouse
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:44, Reply)

Just last night...
I was being terrorised by a shield bug. It flew around a bit before landing on my fingers and depositing a foul smell on them.
(Mr Slippyfist, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:44, Reply)

my cat
my cat is a black/white little soft bal of pure evil

she's always trying to scratch me or bite me,

heh heh, and after she did that, i try to kick,punch,trow,scare or chase her *evil grin*
(coolzay, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:42, Reply)

A horse once bit me
on the breast - that was painful
:(
( Hidden Mouse, Sleeping Kitten Gromada? Gromada!, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:36, Reply)

Humping
Dad and new wifey owned a MASSIVE Saint Bernard - agressive as fuck. Also very frisky.

Dog decided my little brother was looking pretty attractive and started humping him. My 7 stone bro was no match for the 11 stone monster and the dog made him his bitch.

If my Dad or I could have stopped laughing for 2 seconds we might have helped.

I did wash my little bro's clothes after, they were a bit messy.
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:28, Reply)

Cats are a bit mental really
My cat, Pod, is a bit stupid. Goes off different types of food then back on them regularly, can't work out how to get out of catflaps, sits by the fridge for hours if he knows there's chicken in it, the usual cat stuff, and of course I love the unfaithful, ungrateful, scrounging little dimwit like he was my own son. He's not one for having hissy fits apart from the odd short lived tantrum, however........ If for any reason I use bleach and don't wash every last trace of the smell off my hand then stroke him, the ears go back and a look of rage spreads across his little face and then it's kitten armageddon! Teeth, claws, the lot! The little fecker goes apeshit and rips my hand off and will NOT be calmed down by any of that "Shhhhh, there, there" nonsense which normally gets his toys back in the pram. Wouldn't change him for the world though, bless.

No apologies for length, first post, I'll ramble on as long as I want. Hooray for me.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:25, Reply)

lots and lots..
After years of hunting and shooting i have been attacked by dogs, geese, rabbits, geese, ducks and foxes to name but a few.

However, the funniest by far (not for me) has to be when i got stung on the bell end by a wasp.

Was about 5 or 6 years old, and was having a bath. I got out, got dried and pulled on my duds. Next thing i know there is an incredibly sharp pain in my pants, so i pulled them down again and a wasp flew out. Apparantley, the sight of me running into the garden with my pants round my ankles holding my bruised and rapidly swelling nob shouting my mum, had my parents and the neighbours who they happened to be talking too entertained for years to come...

No apologies for length, at that age there wasnt any.


Also - a note to any bikers who consider riding without a jacket in the summer. Riding in just a t-shirt at about 35-40 mph, a fair sized bee hit me in the chest. Hurt like hell and i had a football sized bruise afterwards!
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:19, Reply)

Black Bear attack (Short Version - really) Story gets much longer after a couple of beers...
Out on a weekend walk with my girlfriend in Northern Canada we came across a black bear in a field eating blueberries. I wanted to be brave and impress her so I picked up a rock and threw it at the bear while yelling at it to run away. I hit it square between the eyes and it came running at us and was really pissed off!
I turned to run and my girlfriend was already long-gone! (She was a fast one...) I ran for about a minute before I turned around to see if he was there and he was right on my ass! I turned off the path and ran through the woods until I tripped over a log and landed flat on my face. I was bleeding pretty good and decided to play dead.
The bear climbed on top of me and started licking my legs that were cut up pretty badly. He kept pawing at me and trying to roll me over. When I thought he was finally gone I rolled over onto my back and there I was nose to nose with a 275-325lb black bear! I was scared as hell and started yelling at the bear calling it all kinds of nasty names then I picked up a stick and beat him on the end of the nose with it whenever he got close enough to reach. He just kept circling and making barking noises.
Meanwhile my girlfriend ran back to the camp we were staying at, ran into the washroom and locked the door behind her and hid under the sink crying until her mom finally coaxed her out of the bathroom and asked her what happened. She told her I was being eaten by a bear. Then she hid back under the bathroom sink...
Back to the bear... I saw a guy walking down the path and called to him. I said I couldn't walk and there was a bear standing on me. He laughed and came into the woods looking for me. He saw the bear and ran off screaming in the other direction. The bear stank like garbage and kept circling, swatting at me and barking. I kept beating him on the end of the nose with a stick and yelling every obscenity I could think of at him! I was even making shit up and yelling it because I was a little delusional and scared... example: "Great! Now I'm gonna have facial scars and walk with a limp and have a hard time getting laid you f@&*#k'n pecker knocker! Come get some more!" - You know..., shit like that.
About 15 minutes later the guy from the path came back with a big dog and chased the bear away. The whole thing lasted 30-35 minutes.
He helped me back to our camp where I found my girlfriend still crying in the bathroom and telling everyone it was the scariest thing that ever happened to her! She wasn't even there for any of it. I ended up trying to console her for the rest of the night. She cried a lot.
I never did get laid that weekend...
( CaptainKirk, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:17, Reply)

cats...dont mess with them
my mums cat is hard as fuck! when she caught a bird i threw my trainer at her and locked her in the house and i swear to god she sat by the back door saying 'let meowwwwwwwwt'
me and my sister heard it clear as day, scared the fuck out of us so i turned to my sister and said 'you better do what she says!'
I mean a talking cat...what else are they capable of??? and the little minx only has 3 legs, doesnt stop her trying to kill seagulls and other big birds (feathered)
(monstermunchqueen a queen for the people, by the people, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:16, Reply)

another one....
we used to play football at Linley park where i grew up, and on the way back home, me and the lads (aged about 12) knew a crazy yorkshire terrior, where when you stamped your foot, the noise from this would make it come charging out from a back garden from one of the houses nearby and attack us. funny as fuck. we used to do pranks like throw a mates wallet towards the dogs house and stamp our feet to make him get attacked.

but one day i was running home nr this dogs lair, when i spotted a big puddle, and i decided to jump this fucka, but of course when i landed, the sound made this crazy ass dog come charging after me. i don't like dogs after having my balls squashed by one when i was younger, so i did a forest gump and ran away scared shitless.

then i stopped. and thought, fuck this i'm bigger than the little scrote, so i turned around and booted this dog clear in the mouth. a real good crack ya know. The dog (aka terry)runs away whining like a real bitch that it is. and i'm so happy, (this dog has scared the shit outa me for like 4 yrs...)

so i'm standing there, proud as hell i've overcome my fear, big grin on my face, andrenalin pumping, heart beating like crazy, queen music on in my head (we are the champions etc), when some old granny across the road starts giving me ear ache about 'animal cruelty' and she fucking called the police on me the bitch (and she knew where i lived cos she knew my gran).

but she died that year which made me feel better. meh.
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:02, Reply)

from on high
Went to a scary french zoo at the tender age of 4, it was all exciting and there was a sort of compund you could walk through and the giraffes, zebras and other such animals in there were all tame and didnt really care.

Anyway, there i was merrily going about my business walking through said compound when i was drenched with warm liquid, literally from head to toe.....oooh dear.....you guessed it, it was a giraffe relieving itself onto my small form :'(

never really lived it down....at least none of my friends know :D

[woo! its my first time]
(Hot Lemon, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:51, Reply)

Once in Florida
I went up this armadillo and put my hand out to touch it and the only rection I expected from it would be for it to curl into a ball....but the fucker jumped straight up and hit me in the face then legged it...sodding thing
(Vin diesel touches my tra la la shove a bastard in it, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:48, Reply)

Doberman Pinscher
Early 90's - I was sitting down in an armchair relaxing round a friends house having a lazy day with a few others when one of the two Doberman Pinschers strolls into the room and sits next to me. No big problem I've always been good with dogs and they seem to like me. It then did something I will never forget, it leant forward and yawned, opening its mouth really wide around my neck- its teeth not actually touching but very,very close (My neck was wet from the dog spit) everyone in the room let out the same gasp as I thought 'oh shit, the fucking thing is trying to kill me '. The dog then finished its yawn, withdrew and walked out of the room. And like all the witnesses I totally freaked out.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:46, Reply)

Walking through the town centre one day minding my own business...
I had a big yawn and as I approaching the closing stages of this action I got a slap in the face, and was aware of something trying to enter my mouth; instinctively I shut my mouth tight to prevent further ingress.

Moments later when I'd come to my senses, I was aware of a pigeon flapping frantically in front of my face trying to free its wing from my vice-like grip. Needless to say, I let it go pretty sharpish, before diving into the nearest newsagents to purchase a drink to wash my mouth out with!
(Is it just me?, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:29, Reply)

Quiver vs Animals; Animals vs Quiver.
Animals, 1:
When cycling along on a paper round I had when I was 14, I was pedalling along, minding my own business, when an unseen wasp got caught in my jacket collar, stinging me on the adams apple. They shouldn't really call it a sting, 'cos it doesn't really. It just burns. Finished the round though..

Quiver, 1:
Caught a rat in my kitchen (my house really is that squalid) on a glue trap. Ha!, you fucker! Now..
Now..
Um.
OK.
Took it out back, still on glue trap, pressed its head down onto the glue with a stick so it wouldn't move. Then I crushed its head in a swift arc with a half brick. It was the most humane way I could think of. It can't have suffered for more than a tenth of a second..
BAM!
Over.
( Quiver Search for FATALISTS on Spotify, Amazon, Apple, &c, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:26, Reply)

evil bastard.
Aged 18 months, the family dog decides to take a chunk out of my arm.
cue recurring nightmares for 3 years about the traumatic experience.
oh well, he was put down shortly after.

Just remembered another one (not me, my brother.)
My mum dropped a saucepan on the floor, causing a terrified cat to run straight up my brothers trousers and shit himself on the way.
(PAMPAMPAM, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:21, Reply)

Dogs.
I've not actually been attacked by them, but they don't like me. I can't count how many times I've gone past a house with a dog minding its own business and nearly jump out of my skin when the stupid bloody thing rends the air asunder with "RUFF! RUFF! RUFF! RUFF! RUFF! RUFF! RUFF! RUFF! RUFF! RUFF!" and tries to kick down the gate....

It probably doesn't help that I have a (9 year old) cat at home, who goes crazy every now and then; the first sign of this is when he mews piteously and gives my arm a damn good kicking and scratching when I reach down to stroke him. (Go on, kill it! Nice one puss, you showed the bugger!!) The second sign is when he starts miaowing and charging about the house with his ears flattened against his head and a crazed expression on his face. He likes attacking my shins as well, and has been known to practice his high-jumps by going for my nads. I still love him though. ;-)
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:21, Reply)

ooof!
i was 8, scared shitless of my mates doberman. I go round his house, his mum assures me it won't harm me. I enter the house, straight away it comes charging over, i shit myself, it then bows its head down and with an upward thrust from between my legs headbutts me in the balls. I drop like a sack of shit, unable to talk, laying around crying in pain whilst he family cry through sheer laughter. The dog meanwhile is still trying to get access to my balls with his snout. I never went round again. But it did get lose a few weeks later and chased me up a tree, where i waited 3 hrs for the owners to get back to save me. fucking bastard dog. I still get a weird sensation in my balls and stomach when thinking about this.
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:19, Reply)

2 questions
1) Is there a doctor in the house?
2) If so why do I get attacked by insects in the new forest even when literally dripping in insect repellant, causing swellings that put a case of the plauge to shame?
Sorry for the lack of humour but the bloodsucking little gits drained it out of me.
(lankymike, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:12, Reply)

I've been pissed on by a Tiger...
I was in the passenger seat at a safari park, i rolled down the window to take a photo of the Tiger who had come unusually close to the fence...as i framed him up, he turned his back to me, lifted his tail and let loose down the side of the car and through the wide open window...if it wasn't for my Matrix like reflexes it could have been a lot worse...luckily standing in the sun for a little while got rid of the evidence...

Also a camel stole my aunts hangbag once...but thats happened to everyone at least once
(left-handed-monkey, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:02, Reply)

Whilst working erecting a marquee,
a horse snuck up behind me and took a sizeable chunk of flesh out of the small of my back. I have a good scar to show, my brother who was on top of the marquee, saw the horse coming and gave me no warning. He nearly fell off the marquee laughing. I did a greeny in his tea, he never noticed.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:01, Reply)

Moles.
Was camping with some mates for the weekend. There were lots of molehills around, but no charred human corpses, so we thought we'd be OK.

In the middle of the night, i hear a distant thump. then another. this goes on til the floor of the tent (Without pillow or roll mat, because 'Im dead ard') rises up suddenly and smacks me in the ear.

I panic, scream like a girl and wallop the mini-tent in the floor with my mag-lite, with a satisfying crunch.

When we packed up, we found a great big bloody hole where my head was been, underneath the tent.

By my estimate, the mole was at least 3 foot long. But did it apologise for its size?
(Attention Whore, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:34, Reply)

I am so so sorry.
Cartman: You guys wanna hear a funny joke my Grandpa told me?
Kyle: No.
Cartman: Okay. The- this family walks into a talent agency. It's a mother, father, their son and daughter, and a little baby. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." And the talent agent says, "Sorry, we don't sign family acts. They're too cutesy." But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." The family jumps right into it. The mother smiles and points to the son, who hits "Play" on a boombox. Thrilling circus music starts to play as the father spins his daughter around, bends her over, lifts up her skirts and starts licking her asshole. [Stan's jaw drops]
Kyle: What??
Cartman: Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him.
Kyle: Dude!
Cartman: Hold on! Hold on. The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, right? While the som, still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls.
Kyle: Dude.
Cartman: Hold on, Kyle. Now the mother lays down on her back on the floor while the daughter gets up high on a chair and starts pissing all over. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them.
Kyle: Dude, just stop. It-
Cartman: They get the- towait. Hold on, Kyle. They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around, and the son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother, until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter.
Kyle: Car-Car-Cartman, I don't want any-
Cartman: Kyle?! Will you hold on, please! Then the father gets up and says, "And now for our impersonation of the victims of 9/11." And the whole family starts running around screaming and laughing with their dicks and tittles all flapping around, covered with piss and shit and cum, goin' [falsetto] "AAAAAaaAAAAhhh! AAAAAaaAAAAhhh!, the building's comin' down! Heeelllppp!!!" [normal] And finally the family runs back to the center of the room and goes, "TADAAA!!" And the talent agent, he just sits there for the longest time, and finally he says, "...Jesus, that's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" And the father says, "the Aristocrats!" [no response from the boys] Heheheh. [more silence]
Kyle: I don't get it.
Cartman: ...Neither do I.

this has nothing to do with the question of the week.

it made me cry.
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:32, Reply)

Did he actually get penetrated??
this didnt happne to me im quite happy to say....

this was quite a fmaous video, it was on tarrant on tv and ebaumsworld.com etc...

there was a guy having a dump in a field which happened to have a donkey in it, which was trying to be a crafty butcher and sneak the meat in the back way.

its pretty funny to see him run like a penguin with his cacks around his ankles.

even funnier when he falls on his face and the donkey mounts him.

On behalf of the donkey i apologise for lenght. and girth. and in fact the (w)hole incident.
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:28, Reply)

Goats
Some family friends had a goat,evil looking thing but he just roamed about tied on a long rope. Minding my own business sat on a wall, the fucker decided to get startled at a car and ran past me knocking me off said wall with the rope before coming right back around leaving me on the floor slowly getting strangled. Not the most convincing story to Explain away rope burns around my neck at school the next day.
(the_snakes, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:27, Reply)

When I was in Africa
Camping on a mountain with a group of people, one night we had our "solo" where we chose seperate places to sleep and spend time to ourselves.

I chose my place and set up my sleeping bag and whatnot, settled down to write some stuff down.

Looked across, and there's this fucking huge red ant crawling on my sleeping bag. I don't think much of it, and flick it away.

About half a minute later I look across and there's this whole MASS of big red ants, and I'm pretty sure they wanted to eat me, because that's what ants do... they eat people... *ahem*

Needless to say I scarpered pretty quickly, and found myself a nice cave. Caves rule.
(therocker, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:25, Reply)

omg! a fucking ibis!
i was about 5

it stole my sandwich (practically attack)

i cried

one day i will have my revenge on them all. the war is coming... are you ready?
(riedacher_bertram, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:16, Reply)

Not attacked, but
once when I was working at a Zoo a Zorilla (sort of pygmy skunk and very cute) took all the money out of my wallet and hid it. I have been attacked by a bloke with a screwdriver, though. I still have the scars on my chest (this was 10 years ago). He stole my polo's. Bastard.
(babery was never here, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:13, Reply)

seriously...
a mosquitto once bit me in the eye

IT HURTS LIKE FUCKING HELL
whatever you do dont blink- its natrual but it makes it a whole lot worse
(riedacher_bertram, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 18:11, Reply)