Most pathetic so far?
I and my family got attacked by ladybirds*.

Yup. Ordinary black and red ladybirds.

One holiday in Norfolk (1976, I think), we were on the beach at Holkham, and a swarm came over - thousands of them, no, millions. They were obviously very hungy, and not having any aphids on which to sup, turned their attentions to us.

We had to pack up and go home, hiding under towels.

* That's "ladybugs" for the Atlantically Challenged.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 0:07, Reply)

Ducking Fogs
When about 6 or 7 we had a little staffordshire bull terrier. He was lovely. We used to run and play? Sorry that's a lie. I used to wind it up by calling it and then legging up the slide only for it to get 3/4's of the way and then slide back down, for it only had little legs. Me and my cousin had this game goig for some weeks, pushing our extreme sport to the boundaries.


Until that fateful day when it was my turn to run the gauntlet, little doggy (didn't have a name) aquired some sort of canine booster. Reached the top and latched on to my knee and wouldn't let go. It took my mum and good few minutes to coax him off. My mum then sent him back to where he came from.

I still like dogs though. Blind peoples dogs are cool.
(Bobwithbitchtits, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:56, Reply)

Pikey Dogs
A pikey's dog once bit me. They thought it was hilarious, until i kicked it into the canal. Then they tried to attack me. Luckily i was quick and they were old.
(Bobwithbitchtits, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:56, Reply)

I got hit arround the head by a goose once
(anon., Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:44, Reply)

Goose!
I was biking though the park one summer, and if you know anything about parks in Ontario, they're loaded with geese and their shit. So there I went down the path, and to my right I see a great big goose, normally everyone just ignores them, but I noticed this one was staring at me. I turned the bike a bit so I didn't get close to him or her and then it flew through the air and into my leg. I hit it on a head with the bike pedal. A man walking with his son asked "Did that goose just attack you". I replied "I think so".
(Dauber, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:38, Reply)

My Fatha
Got dive-bombed by a dying pigeon in a french cathedral. damn cheese-eaters use slow-acting poison. either that or the dean was taking pot shots at the grockles
( same as yours, but on fire will explosively decompress on, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:33, Reply)

Satans winged envoys
When I worked for a small architecural practice, as the office bitch, I often wondered who owned the 3 bee hives on the lawn next to the car park.

The following spring, whilst speaking to our receptionist, I saw this stout lady in twin set and pearls arrive, along with her double barrelled surname and 2 fuckwit gun dogs, and she then proceeded to piss about with the bees.

Obviously she relied on shouting at the bees, the same way she treated the dogs, to keep them subdued as she wore NO PROTECTIVE SUIT.

Anyway one of the wee fecker decided he wasnt being spoken to like that and, to cut a long story short, flew up her skirt and stung the toffee nosed Tory on the cnut! This was deduced by the Michael Jackson-esque grabbing of her own crotch and high pitched "oows!" she made as she staggered backwards (moonwalked?) into her Landrover to inspect the damage. After 10 minutes she managed to drive off.

We were all pissing ourselves at the reception window.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:30, Reply)

My guinea pig
bit me on the end of my cock when I was 7. It hurt, but I got over it. There were no long term effects.
(CMYK Excess consumption may have a laxative effect, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:28, Reply)

Labradors are evil
I got attacked by a Labrador when I was three. It literally ripped my whole left eye socket from my head. I have very, very vague memories of it, so I'm not too scared of dogs. My mother is absolutely petrified of them, as a result of my eye incident.

Apart from a big scar it did no long term damange thankfully.
(Grundie, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:20, Reply)

Ok not so much an attack on the animal's part...
Being 17 years of age (only last year) in Halkidiki; boring place in Greece, I was quite excited to be talking to a 25 year old female from Newcastle with my friend and hers. We decided to go for a *stroll* on the beach at night which was very good so the next night we decide to take another trip down there. However, upon laying down behind the same canoe there were 4 stray dogs looking at us. This made her a little uncomfortable (wasn't so bothered myself) so we go to find another spot. All would have been good if the dogs didn't follow us. For half hour. Despite using all my masculine skills of trying to lose 4 dogs (i.e running, swearing at them) it turned into a standoff between me and what was the 'leader' of the gang. Just to say i was quite pissed so i pushed it back but it kept returning. Let's just say, i did some pushing with my foot but the bastard still wouldn't leave! So just went back to a club in a huff and not so horny any more :( Just to add, they later followed us all the way back to her hotel AND back!!

Apologies for comments i have inserted and not for length. Annoying writing trait
(paintboy, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:17, Reply)

fucking emu
The last time I was attacked by an animal was when I was trying to teach my pet Emu how to play checkers. I won, and he got mad and kicked me in the face.
(Kerflabjeje, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:15, Reply)

Swans on the coast
I was on a field trip on the coast years ago, near Hastings. It was some time in the winter. Two young swans flew over and landed in the sea. They then decided it was much too cold for them, and immediately flew off, one of which aimed directly at my chest. I ducked just in time, and felt a wing clip the back of my head.

Beautiful birds - but you just wouldn't want one flying into you at full pelt. Not fun.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 23:06, Reply)

Teddy.
I love dogs and I get along well with almost all of them. My friend has a small psychotic dog named Teddy. There are ongoing jokes about this jerk hiding knives and plans for atomic bombs in his bed. From the moment you enter my friend's house, Teddy does not stop barking. He's a nervous wreck and in need of therapy. Anyway, one day he was bloodthirsty. More so than usual I mean. The jerk sped after me as I was leaving my friend's house. He bit my leg, probably in hopes of ripping it off to use in his satanic worship. I'm terrified of this small pet and practice great caution whenever I see him.
(luckylucky, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 22:51, Reply)

Bunny, kitty
Mum was in charge of feeding the rabbit, but then she went into hospital to have my sister (I was three) dad had to feed him. He reached in the hutch to get the bowl and bunnikins launched himself at his hand and sunk his teeth in. Very very impressive scar. The rabbit was wonderful with us kids though - also it had massive bright-pink veiny bollocks and I used to poke them with the end of a pencil.

Once I was dozing on the sofa and the fucktard cat decided to leap from one arm of the sofa to the another. Being clumsy and fat he didn't quite make it and his hind feet connected with my face - worse one set of claws connected with my eyelid and ripped it. I screamed and dimly realised my face was wet but I wasn't crying... so much blood! The eyelid was like a little gaping bag and the wound reopened every time I blinked. Little sod.
(b3ta2, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 22:46, Reply)

I got chased by terriers.
6 of them. Some batty old woman was walking along the beach with them off the lead. OFF THE BLOODY LEAD! I happened to be running down the beach (Might I add at this point that dogs dispise me.), and all six of these little white shits start running after me biting my ancles. When I kicked one off me, the old lady started yelling at me for hurting her 'precious dogs'. "No respect for anything nowadays! Gawd, when will you people learn?". So, a bollocking from some stupid old lady, and six very dissaproving dogs. I still hate dogs.
(once_upon_a_time, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 22:46, Reply)

A various selection
Alsatian threw me around by the face when I was five.

Dalmatian took umbrage at me for no reason in particular.

In the same day at Chessington Zoo (as it was when I went) a Shetland Pony bit a lump out of my back and a Camel sneezed down my neck.

A wasp flew into my ear, stung me, and left without its sting. Handily, I was in a chemists at the time, but I still walked around with a boxer's ear.

A Chihuahua ran clean across a park to bite me on the ankle, then back to its owner.

I should just steer clear of all animals other than cats.
(Glis, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 22:42, Reply)

fish with spines and reptiles with halitosis
Once got stung by a thing called a weeverfish while attempting to learn to use a body board.
It was so amazingly agonisingly painful that I thought I'd had half of my foot bitten off by a shark. Instead found two small punctures on my toes. A friend then proceeded to pour scalding hot water from a flask (that he brought just in case such an emergency happened) over my foot and the pain immedately went. A week later half of my foot went black and I had to get pumped full of anti-biotics.

Other than that theres my friend's pet tegu. At least thats what she says it is. I think its actually a velociraptor. They don't have any venom because they have so much bacteria in their mouths that they just have to bite something once and then follow it around for a while until it dies of the infection. Anyway it bit me.... hand went black.... anti-biotics.
(etherbunny, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 22:38, Reply)

Animals
my goldfish bit me once
(clarkson4sheephahaha, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 22:24, Reply)

When animals attack. Then, attack again. Then, when you lie sobbing in a corner...
They attack again.

We have a bird feeder close to the bedroom window, and as I was opening the window, a small furry entity (I was told it was an oversized squirrel! It was most likely a cat) did a rather astounding vertical slide before beating all hell out of my fingers for about 5 minutes straight.
I promptly pulled away, trapping my fingers (and almost hers) in the window. I cried like a little girl.
(ZooLurker is an angry chick with a mullet!, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:58, Reply)

Contemptuous Bird Flock
Jogging one gray November day, I saw a flock of small, fast-moving birds approach. The flock suddenly pinwheeled, and the ground beside me was peppered, as if from a machine gun, with droppings. It was an aerial bombardment! Contemptuous bustards missed, though: just like in a bad WWII movie!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:50, Reply)

animal attacks
apart from minor scratches and cuts from my cat, i dont recall being attacked too much, but these other episodes spring to mind:

* being chased by a dog at the last 200m dash of a five mile cross country running course when i was totally knackered. i think i kicked him in the chin, hehehe.

* my brother being stung by bees / wasps / something like that quite a lot on the tongue and it swelling up quite a bit

* my friend joe, being mauled by a dog on his paper round. that fucker left some dirty bite marks in joe's arm, and since then he's never been able to live it down. especially not when we see dog-walkers by our running courses.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:49, Reply)

All these people bitten by horses...
I've been the other way round. The riding stables I used to work at let you sort of 'adopt' a horse to look after. I was assigned a huge great thing called Barney - half shire, half thoroughbred - in other words, bloody fast and too big to argue with. But he liked me. I could go in his stable and he'd be as sweet as sugar - everyone else used to get chased out with him stamping his (enormous) feet and teeth bared.
(sanity challenged, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:48, Reply)

Walking home
Walking home from school on afternoon, just past the bit where all my mates and I used to go our separate ways, and I hear this squealing from behind this huge hedge. Walking on but wondering what it was, i didnt think much of it.

Next few seconds were a whirl - i remember a huge crash from behind me, then this piglet running after me. It chased me all the way to my house (a good 5 minute run)I got inside, and the pig just kept squealing outside my door. I was shitting it.

About 10 minutes later this burly bloke comes and knocks on my door with said piglet on a dogs lead. He said he was holding it for a mate, and thanked me for not hurting it. Hah! i should have kicked it looking back. In my opinion he wanst holding it firmly enough!
( Goon, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:31, Reply)

some more
In the 70s, my grandparents owned a cute little one-eyed chihuahua named Buzzy. He was overprotective of everything, especially his blanket. My dad was dating my mom at the time, and once when he was over there someone asked him to pick up the blanket off the floor and put it on his bed. Buzzy wasn't even in the room, but he came running with a ravenous look on his face and mauled my dad in the arm. They didn't have a good relationship from then on.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:29, Reply)

thought of another
i'v got a cat with a strange problem, she's mad about licking people. if you stroke her but don't let her lick you she attacks you, scratching and biting your arm. It's really bad when friends who don't know her problem come round, they think she's evil!
she's got a problem but i love her
(chr1ssy6798, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:26, Reply)

Where to begin...
I shall start with the newest one of all. One of our many cats was sat on my bed. I stroked the lovely little Kittie for a bit. I stopped because I was bored leaving the cat no option but to bite my arm and not let go for a good couple of minutes.

P.s. I didn't know where to begin because:

A) we have so many animals = 8 cats, 2 dogs, 12 birds, 1 parrot, 2 chinchillas, 1 bearded dragon, 1 iguana, 1 rabbit, 1 guinea pig and 3 tortoises.

B) nearly all of them hate me so they always attack me.

There's also wild animals that hate me but it's just bees and wasps but they have a problem with people in general.
( Mr. Street, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:21, Reply)

birds hate me!
1st incident, went to look around a country house with my gran,was only 6 at the time. boring, until we saw some pretty peacocks waving thier tails about, i decided i wanted to be thier friend. So i proceeded to walk towards one with my hand out, until it started runnin towards me screeching, terrifying!

2nd incident, went on a family canoeing trip when i was 11, we were going down a river, enjoying beautiful scenery, until we passed a swan circling its nest, with its wings in a strange arched shape. Now we passed it on the other side of the river, so i thought we showed no threat, until i heard a thud thud thud as the swan started to chase us, its wings hitting the water slightly. It was very hard to get away in a four person boat when everyones panicking sycronised paddling's very hard! It chased us for ages, everytime it got close my dad tried to hit it with his oar, i can't go near swans even now. they are evil!
(chr1ssy6798, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:21, Reply)

fucking rats *shudder*
my cat was meowing like crazy, so i went to feed him, when he wandered into a spare bedroom instead which was strange. i looked in the room and spotted a massive mouse, huge infact, squeeking and panting like a muthafucka.

i fuckin hate it when the cat drops a mouse in the house, usually they're dead. i tried to get the cat to kill this big fucking mouse, but it shit itself and ran off. pussy. i wasn't happy.

So i tried to get this mouse out with a big pole from my weights, but it kept charging at me and jumping wildly, scaring the shit outa me. So i rang a friend cos i was being a pussy, and from my description he told me it was a rat not a mouse. shit.

So this thing keeps trying to attack me, it was a pure psycho. i needed to go to work (i was already late)and i was stuck with this beast. it wasn't scared of anything, it was snarling like a dog now and becoming more and more confident. it was jumped a couple of feet off the ground, and it was loud as fuck, its heavy, andrenelin pumped heavy breathing made it worse.

Eventually the thing chases me onto the stairs, where it jumps, and as it does, in spectacular fashion i swivel, and on the half volley nail the bastard down the stairs onto its head.

now its like rocky IV shit, its all over the place. i kick it outside the door. then you would think its logical to give it one last boot, but no. for some reason, i will never know why, i get the super soaker i bought pissed up the night before, fill it with bleach and soak the bastard in the middle of the street (?????). so this things dying, covered in bleach. then i kill it with a kick which went 30yds or more, maybe 7ft high. I was so relieved. don't ever come across a rat trust me, they are fucking scary animals, i still can't sleep with the door open.

i was 20 minutes late for work, and i sent this story to my manager to which she didn't believe, until i showed her the pics on my phone. fuckin bitch has stuck it in my personal file, she thinks i'm nuts.
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:18, Reply)

Horses etc
Where I ride we have nice little new forest ponies. Where I work there is a visicious horse. I'm not supposed to enter it's stable for health and safety. This time I wen to the stable and it went for me! Full blown teeth bared, evil look in it's eye. I nearly brained it with a pitchfork thing but my arm hurt and i would have been fired, probably.

I have also been thrown off into fences TWICE. Explains dents in legs from this.
I accidently got kicked in the shin by a panicking horse.

I poked a wasps nest once and one stung me in the face. One was in my bed once. I was terrified of going to sleep for ages after.

I have just learnt to ride a moped so am bound to get more injurys from this. I did fall of at my CBT as I panicked, grabbed the throttle and front brake when doing a turn so fell off.

W00 YAY
(/lurks], Thu 2 Jun 2005, 21:18, Reply)

Mad Cat
My grandma used to have this black cat, I remember one time before he died we were sitting in Grandma's kitchen talking about something or other, Grandma was leaning by the stove and the cat was sitting/lying down on a stool in front of her.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the cat LEAPED up onto Grandmas chest, clinging with his claws for about a second before jumping down and scarpering.

Mad old cat.
(therocker, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 20:45, Reply)