I'm 12. Mentally, at least.
When I have a computer case open with the machine switched on, I just can't help but stick my fingers in the fan.

I don't know why, I suppose it's just because I can (they're made of plastic). If you do it quickly so that the fan stops immediately, it doesn't hurt.

I also tend to blurt out things like "Sweaty pissflaps" when pissed. I suppose it's a mild form of Tourettes. On the upside, I only do it around my (like-minded) friends.

The coup de grace, though, is that today I bought a Meccano set. I'm 21.
(Flap Burger hasn't really got a burger made of flaps, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:47, 1 reply)

When people ask me dumb questions...
with a numerical answer that I don't know I always just say 11 no matter what.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:42, 3 replies)

I was in the job center as moral support for a friend who is unemployed.
I decided to have a glance at the computer terminals to see what was on offer, as anyone who has spent any time in a job center will know that it is where hope goes to die.

I found an advert for semi-nude cleaners and couldn't help printing it out to show people.

Also, today I laughed at this;


I don't know why; every rational fibre of my brain tells me it's not funny. But still....


EDIT: I just laughed at it again.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:36, 20 replies)

machinations of war
whilst working as a bored developer, I got interested in robotics and remote controls n stuff. I bought online a USB servo controller (basically control upto 6 servos through USB)

I then proceeded to build a killer elastic band firing machine with geeky web page interface, sat atop the filing cabinet, it used a web cam to give the user first person shooting fun in a 20ft radius. It could be controlled remotely (yeah, shoot the intern on my day off). It also got upgraded to run some basic motion detection stuff and would sit there waiting for someone to walk in front of it.
(cornishbob is going to hell on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:34, Reply)

Well I'm not actually an adult
But my stepdad is, and I am expected to act like an adult, so this counts.
Recently my best friend bought me a tub of dinosaurs from Target as a little cheer up present. When she gave them to me, I was rather excited. I mean, how could I not be!? As soon as I got them home, my step dad and I got them out on the floor and proceeded to fight with them and have them kill and eat each other. I guess we got a little to into the fighting because we ended up just chucking plastic dinos at each other, until one landed in the cat food. I cried.
( Killerkitti Like my coffee black, just like my metal, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:32, 1 reply)

a pattern
bored IT monkeys always find ways to amuse themselves.

We all had our personal ebay purchases and amazon etc sent to the office so there would be someone to get them. Everytime one arrived, the challenge was to get it before the receiver knew about it, open it (yeah we had no concern for personal privacy) and repack with something else.

some highlights:

-spring loaded device to throw packing peanuts in their face when opened
-"dead" cuddly toy dog with added blood and violent injury
-fake dog turds
-real dog turds (you can see the escalation of revenge going on there)
-a brick with "Nikon" scribbled on it
(cornishbob is going to hell on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:30, 1 reply)

Perfect excuse!
Literally just found out that a major sticking point (it went on for months!) in the way of my wife and I adopting a couple of kids has been overcome and that it is going to go ahead, with a bit of luck before Christmas too.
Really don't mind if anyone here isn't interested but I thought I'd share :)

And the point is? I can now go totally toy nuts! All notions over adulthood can be thrown out the window.
But what to buy??? Lego, check. Action man, check. Crazy Wii games, check. Star Wars, try and stop me, baby!
Bloody hell, cartoons! Yes! I can now expand the collection!

I want the fucking lot!
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:28, 7 replies)

Yesterday
I showed some young person at my work the 80s Softmint advert, the one with Mr Soft then proceeded to walk like Mr Soft and singing the Mr Soft song. The Managing Director saw me and asked me what I was doing? I tried to explain but all that came out was gibbering 'Mr Soft, Mr Soft he didn't know who Mr Soft was. The MD walked away.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:27, 4 replies)

"Lysis" is Greek for "splitting"
So "hydrolysis," for example, means "splitting water."

If you're as immature and disgusting as me, you'll never look at the word "analysis" in the same way again.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:25, 11 replies)

Darth Baby
Whilst my wife was in labour last year there was sod all for me to do apart from sit round and wait for junior to pop out, time to be the good supportive husband and be all mature right?

No chance, doing Darth Vader impressions with the gas and air is really funny, well it is if you're breathing deeply.

To top it all upon setting eyes upon my freshly born first child I turned to the nurse doing all the checks and said 'aww no wings, or at the very least a tail or horns'

Would still be cool if she had latent mutant abilities that appear in her teen years
(bluehamster, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:24, 2 replies)

I just got an email
from someone in my office asking who drank their juice

"2 X 1 Litre cartons of co-ops finest in the fridge.

Non of that "From Concentrate" Rubbish.

Full at the start of the week. Virtually empty today.

Thanks for the half cup you left for me. So Kind!"

and then someone decided to reply with a solitary

"Hic!!"
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:23, 4 replies)

mmmm
I've just eaten the last of the 4 pack of milkybar yoghurts that we bought for the baby. Add that to the first, second and third ones that I ate ............

In my defence - they are full of sugar and stuff so I'm protecting my offspring. As I do when I only give her half of the Milky Bar that her Grandma brings her every other day. Or half the buttons.

I turn away and do it - so there is a touch of guilt there.
(daveduke67, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:12, 1 reply)

Bathtime fun...
Long ago when I had just started going out with the Mrs Finch we were having some sexy-time in the bath together. She was on top and we are kissing etc.

I gleefully let out a massive fart that bubbled up... but it didn't break the surface straightaway.

It rolled up the Mrs belly, tickling all the way between her lovely boobs and broke the surface right under her chin.

Best. Fart. Ever.

Bathtime was over....I'm laughing now as I remember it......
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:08, 5 replies)

Possibly more chldlike than childish

I love walking, unhurredly in the pouring rain without an umbrella, and with a smile on my face, when everyone else is scowling under umbrellas or sheltering in doorways.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:03, 16 replies)

childish? i say young at heart
my desk at work is covered in various toys of various shapes and sizes, ninjas, southpark figures, even a red dwarf skutter, but possibly best of all is the 12 inch godzilla figure that sits in plain sight on the shelf behind me for all the office to see, occasionally i'd take it with me when i need to go down to the warehouse for some reason.

also work related

I am best known at work for singing as i cross the office, it can be anything from tom jones to hanson but the most common song by far is weebls crab song. I'd sing this out loud all the time, getting it stuck into the heads of the people i work with and my boss.
the situation would more often the not go something like this:
me "i've got a big bag of crabs here...."
boss "no you havn't!" or "prove it"

so what did i do? I bought the crab plushies from the site and stashed em in the kitchen. As i head over there to go get some toast i (as usual) sing my heart out, as the boss objects, i spring out from behind the partition holding my crabs proudly.
the look on my bosses face was one of both amusment and disbelief that i'd actually go to such lengths for such a stupid joke.
(That Random Guy, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 16:01, Reply)

I recently bought some pirate lego.
At a call-center where I used to work the night shift we invented two sports;

Muff Ball - basically volley ball using the foam ear muff parts from the call-center headsets balled up.

Chair Curling - put a chair at the end of the corridor and we all take turns wheeling a chair down the corridor at it. Sometimes we would take turns sitting on the chairs that were being curled at the time.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:55, 1 reply)

At the company I work for
Early this year sales were low and employees were leaving the company in droves. The bosses realised that morale and sales needed raising and arranged for a staff meeting including some motivational specialist.

One of the first exercises was for the employees to write 3 of their life’s ambitions onto some paper, hand it all in to the front and Mr. expert would write them down on the board (The bloke was going to use them as a tedious link to the next part of his seminar – showing how he could help us achieve those dreams) What he didn’t count on was someone with the brain of a 5 year old being in the group (me).

The first few were pretty ordinary (I want more money and more time doing what I want etc etc) then he opened mine.

Mr. Expert : Ok here we have someone who wants to……..punch out a dinosaur, live in boulder hill and hopefully one day develop good superpowers. Who wrote this?
(I stick my hand up)
Mr. Expert: Why did you write this?
Mon :What…I don’t want to end up like Aquaman, that bloke can swim well and talks to fish.
Expert Bloke: Erm… well (reads gawdy name badge with my name on) Mon, today I will teach you the superpower of selling the business to other firms!
Mon (Mutters): I said good super powers, I’d rather be Aquaman than have the power to sell…

Bah I’ve upset myself now. Anyone who wants to know what boulder hill is-it’s the HQ for the good guys in the cartoon M.A.S.K

(wanders off looking for a T Rex to KO)
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:36, 2 replies)

Bosses and Beards
For a few years now a "very" small band of "colleagues" where I work have been regularly promoted above and beyond their capabilities, (dare I i ask the question is it because their reporting manager is also their golf buddy/barbie pal)?

Thus simply confirming to many better qualified people it's not what you know but who you know.

Now the two gents involved both sport what can only be described as pre pubescent bum fluff which doubles as beards on their otherwise older (if not wiser faces).....


What childish thing am I doing to rail against this injustice?

Yes you have it, I'm letting people know I'm growing a beard to "enhance my career prospects" then I make that little startled :-0 face............
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:34, 1 reply)

My son has just started High School
and an open evening was held on Wednesday for parents to go along and visit.

As part of the tour, we were shown round the drama facilities. The main drama room contained an enormous mirror down one wall, just inside the door.

Guess which arsehole - without so much as a thought to the 20 or so other parents, some of whom I'd never met before - decided to spring his Harry Worth impersonation?

For those of you not old enough (neither am I)

click here
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:31, 2 replies)

Pub Quiz 2
One of the members of our team was madly in love with someone we vaguely knew, and whom I shall call Emily for the purpose of this story. One week, he was asked to be a stand-in member of another team, and agreed.

For that one week only, we weren't called "My Gay Lover". We were called "We've all had Emily".
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:30, Reply)

I'm reading these answers at work...
...on my phone, whilst sitting on the toilet.

I just heard someone's walkie-talkie in the corridor outside and the first thing that went through my mind, without a moment's hesitation, was:

"Shit, Combine!"


Length? Far too long, hunched over a smoking keyboard, apparently...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:28, 1 reply)

its my last day at work today
before starting university so i have been "modifying" peoples photoes on their desks by adding batman masks to all the men and the uglier children. I have also targetted my hit list by putting pictures of willies or porn in their cd trays. Im 27 now................... O
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:24, Reply)

Zap!
I bought a couple of drills recently: one hand drill, and one big hammer action thing.

Anyone who accuses me of pretending that I was buying laser guns rather than powertools is committing a vile calumny. Vile, I tell you.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:21, 2 replies)

I used to get my mate to film me at work
I'd do crazy shit like setting off fire extinguishers, throwing eggs about.. I even licked a raw chicken once.. no-one found out so it was all ok.
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:17, 6 replies)

My gf calls me her Manchild.
I pull pranks on her all the time. Her name is the same as a once famous actress who was in an old sitcom about a holiday camp (you know the one) and I am banned on pain of chest hair removal to never, ever to say THAT quote... She always has to check that she's signed out of her internet accounts before leaving the room. Now refuses to either pull my finger or stick her head under the covers. But my favorite trick to to jump out and scare her.

The best one I did needs a bit of explaining 1st. My bed is in the corner of my room. At the bottom wall side of my bed is a airing cupboard where I put all my clothes.
This 1 night we were messing around in bed, tickling each other and so on. I had just managed to gross her out with some weird comment so she had her head under the pillow trying to mute my voice so I took the opportunity. Scrabbled around the bed and jumped into the cupboard and crouned down as low as possible.
"CLM?" she calls, looking for me.
*silence*
"CLM. Where are you hiding?" turns on bedside light and looks around.
*silence*
"CLM?" turns on bedroom lights.
"BAH!" while grabbing her from behind.
"SCREAM!" Violently attacks me. Removes several chest and belly hairs then makes me go make her some hot chocolate and give her a long massage to make up for it.

Still makes me laugh.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:13, 1 reply)

Make me jig....
I play a great gane with my friend who plays guitar. He has to play a song that will 'Make me Jig'

I am not talking about a normal dance. Arms must be down at my side and i stand completely still. He starts playing, if I like it, I'll start to move slowy from side to side, slowly starting to move my elbows as I am rocking a baby to sleep. If he somehows wanders upon anything resembling the Oompah Loompah song then I'm off and dancing like a fucking spastic being attacked by a wasp.

He cannot hold a winning 'Make me Jig' tune for long though as he starts to laugh as I remain stood in the same spot, the top half of me resembling a tornado full of dying fish....

and so we have to begin again. Much fun :)
(g-rex, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Pub Quiz
Way back when, my mates and I formed a pub quiz team. We called ourselves "My Gay Lover", just for the childish amusement of forcing the compère to say the magic words at the end...

"...And the winner this week: My Gay Lover!"

We kept it going for months, and - at least as far as we were concerned - it never got any less funny.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 15:04, 4 replies)

Couple of years back....
While i was being ridden by the black horse i was on a pseudo IT team. Being all male and between the ages of 22 and 36 there were a number of childish pranks pulled daily. highlights include:
- using a rubber band to force open the height adjuster for the office chairs.
- drawing on your bosses bald head with permanent marker - cocks and targets were preferred
- padlocking your colleagues keys to anything large and immoveable
-rearranging all the keys on another (non-touch typing colleagues) keyboard to spell "cunt"
- Playing cricket in the hallways at the weekends whilst on double pay
- Asking for an '83' (hot water - no cup) everytime the new kid offered to get drinks. happy times
(KaptainKY, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 14:56, 2 replies)

Amos Moses
When having peas for dinner, take a pea from my sisters plate, throw it on the floor exclaiming "You peaed on the floor".
(Amos Moses, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 14:19, 8 replies)