He nearly choked to death...
It was our weekly team meeting, there were four of us in the meeting room and the team leader dialled in to the speakerphone from home.
I must stress that the team leader was a lovely lady but often volatile when it came to her interpersonal skills and so we had a healthy respect for these meetings usually.
The meeting was a bit boring, we were going round the table each giving status updates on our respective projects. I was feeling mischeivous and so I drew a MASSIVE ERECT KNOB on a blank sheet of A4. The bloke next to me was speaking at the time and he had to stifle a giggle and a snort when I passed it to him in the style of a newsreader getting a late bulletin. That was rubbish, he just carried on speaking and got over it pretty quickly, but the atmosphere in the room changed dramatically and soon we were all giving each other furtive glances and generally trying to make the person speaking burst out laughing.
Things came to a head when Indie (for that was his name) reinforced a point he had just made by flicking his fingers Ali G style making a very loud noise. Sadly for him though he found his own joke far too funny and had to leave the room spluttering and trying not to laugh until he got outside.
We calmed down and continued the meeting, professionalism restored. Not content with the initial reaction to my knob picture I discreetly folded it in half and placed it on top of Indie's meeting notes so it looked just like any other message.
2 or 3 minutes later Indie returns, apologises and makes up some excuses that he had had a coughing fit.
He resumes talking to team leader about his projects and absently opens the folded paper in front of him. This was the first time he had seen the knob picture and he just erupted, another coughing fit so bad that he had to leave again! He was trying so hard not to laugh that he was literally choking with eyes and veins bulging and unable to breathe.
[Edit: I forgot to mention the snot]

How the rest of us carried on is still a mystery.

I'm 36.

[Length? 297mm]
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 14:14, 1 reply)

I'm the hellova lot older now and it still makes me giggle...
Years ago I was a manager in an IT department for a major high street bank… I’d have been about 40 at the time.

One of my colleague managers was a complete and utter little shit with delusions of grandeur to such an extent that he even built his own little office using large 8 feet tall filing cabinets (Carter-Parrot).

Working late one evening, I went down to the floor he was located on. There was one further cabinet about 20 feet away, so I hatched my cunning plan.
I moved the cabinet down the corridor (it must have weighed almost half a ton as it was full of printouts and binders) and slid it very neatly into the gap that was the entrance to his “office”. The adrenaline must have been pumping!

The next morning in front of over 100 people (large open plan office) he arrived and walked up and down the corridor trying to figure out where his office had gone.
He screamed at a couple of very big guys who worked for him accusing them of having done it and ordered them to clear a way through for him. They refused, of course.
Because the fit was so perfect, there was no way to get leverage on the cabinet, so the little shit had to climb over the top and push the offending cabinet from behind to make the opening.

Needless to say 100 people pissing themselves at toys being thrown out of prams and the little fat git climbing over the cabinet did not do his credibility any good whatsoever.

The closest I ever came to wetting myself.

(There’s only one person who knows it was me… and she is in NZ (Hi Louise))
(and the best I ever did in COF was 6th place)
(bof, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 14:13, Reply)

two things that make me giggle like a six year old
sitting in a trap in a public toilet, when the bloke in the next trap farts.

which leads to the second thing, which is when i laugh out loud at the fart, the fartee then joins in and you have two fully grown blokes, sitting in a public loo, having a dump and giggling like kids.
(Singo69, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 14:09, Reply)

At my work, we make our own entertainment.

(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 14:08, 4 replies)

Last night I wrote the script for a zombie movie
It has guns, drugs, nudity, lesbians and outrageous violence in it
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 14:07, 3 replies)

Steeeve Perry!
When we play pool down the local I always wind up my mate by doing the Baseketball thing and keep saying steee-eee-eeeeve Perry! whenever he tries to take a shot.

It winds him up no end, but then again he is ebtter at pool than me so I consider it only fair.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 14:04, 1 reply)

Fart Terrorism
I like to fart noxiously either in lifts or on tube trains, just before i get off. If it's a particularly bad one (you can usually tell by the warmth of the flatus) i am often to be seen giggling uncontrollably to myself as i walk away from the scene of the crime.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 14:03, 1 reply)

Well, as there are some people who are exhibiting slightly childish behaviour on here...
...me and Spanky decided to post this story specially for one little person


Undercovercarrot and SpankyHanky, the two most sexually prolific and fit guys on B3TA, had just come back from a Star Trek convention in their Honda Accord. Spanky stopped off to score some amazingly powerful Skunk, whilst Carrot nipped out for a litre of medicinal brandy and a waterbutt of absinthe. Carrot and Spanky found a bag at the side of the road, when they opened it they were immediately infected with autism, it was worse than the time when they visited Amsterdam and fucked every single whore (including the lady boys) up the jacksy, producing so much excess manfat that the canals were running white for days, and they were both awarded Dutch citizenship and elected onto the secret world order for their efforts and now secretly watch over each and every living human from their pulsating pink phallic towers, jacking off, in an autistic way. On account of the autism.

That was nice.

As they returned to the car, they noticed a young lady being assaulted by 15 very fat women who had heard of the enormous size of Carrot and Spanky's cocks. With a warlike scream, Carrot whipped out some nunchucks he happened to have in the boot of the Accord and beat them all to a pulp whilst Spanky rescued the damsel in distress. As thanks, she let Spanky and Carrot spitroast her until she orgasmed herself to death.

"Well," said Spanky "that was fun. I feel like my cock has had every last drop of jism squeezed out of it."

"Lucky for you" said Carrot. "I have been unable to ejaculate since my botched circumcision aged 15."

Then they both skipped off to shag Maddie's corpse. Again.

No apologies for length or troll baiting.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:58, 9 replies)

Well let's see
singing the theme tune from Bonanza every time I go for a shit, making the Star Trek door noises every time I go through automatic doors, re-arranging the office cactus collection to look like an erect cock with balls every Monday, and my coup de grace was writing "John has a smelly cock" in 3 foot letters in wet cement outside the local supermarket.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:55, Reply)

about five minutes ago
Myself, Mrs Thor, Thoretta and the inlaws was sat outside having lunch, we had flavoured custard after a splendid sandwich, my custard was strawberry flavoured, mrs thor asked to smell it and as she bent forward to smell it i flicked the custard onto her nose.

thoretta then decided it was a good game and wanted to join in.
( Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:48, Reply)

Last one I think
In the supermarket the other day, I told Mrs SLVA to wait with the trolley whilst I go fetched the bread. I came back, arms outstretched like wings with a loaf in each hand and in two passes, successfully bombed the trolley with Kingsmill's finest. Complete with sound effects and the theme to "633 Squadron", which I couldn't quite remember so it sounded more like the theme to "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:38, 8 replies)

Now, I'm technically not an adult,
but I did this today and it was still fairly childish of me, so sod it.

It was the last day of third term today. We have four terms in Aus, and third is generally the least fun, because you get hit with piles of homework for each final year subject - revision for the exams at the very beginning of fourth term. Once those exams are over - you're freeeeeeeee.

Now, since it was the last day, I only had to be there for two classes, History, and English. History was fantastic, got some really good advice for our exams and help for our holiday homework, and then, we finished off the class with pizza. Now - this was GOOD pizza ladies and germs, it really was. Salt flaked crusts, lots of sauce, 'erbs, cheese.... nom.
So we're sitting there in History eating pizza for lunch.
And an announcement comes over the loudspeaker;

"Could all students from mr C's year 12 english class please go to class at 1:15"

Now - the thing you must know about my English teacher is that he is a short, angry man with a complex. It's true, it really is. And having been taught by this short, angry man with a complex that leads him to make snide remarks in every class for a whole year has not enamoured me towards him in the slightest.

Bugger that thought I. Class doesn't technically start until 1:45. I have a whole 45 minutes to go! I'm not giving up good pizza just to listen to a short angry man make snide remarks! So I sat in History eating my pizza until 1:30. Whereupon I left, and crossed the corridor and entered English, just starting on my lovely, crisp, juicy, crunchy Granny Smith Apple.

I sit down at the table directly infront of his desk, facing away from him, and began working on a practice paper. I bit into the apple, and started chomping away happily.

Behind me I can hear some very angry "hurrumph-ing" and "mutter mutter" and even a bit of the old "I-am-so-angry-I'm-going-to-passive-aggressively-keep-at-this-until-you-fold" business where people shift about and slam things.

So I open my mouth wide, and bite down on the Apple. And the crunch is louder then before. And then, I started to chew, as loudly as I possibly could. It was intense - I could feel the eyes boring into the back of my skull, nearly hear his blood pressure rising.
And it was SO worth it when, after throwing the core away in the bin, I returned to my desk to see his face, puce, thin-lipped and with a look that told me plainly that he knew as well as I did there was nothing he could have done.

Best part is, he doesn't mark my exam next term, so can't really exact revenge on me at all! XD
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:37, 1 reply)

For my birthday this year my girlfriend bought me a tub of plastic dinosaurs
That night I spent many happy minutes playing with the shitty little deformed stegosaurus, diplodicus, and t-rex as they wondered between and on top of the warm tropical mountain range I sourced to use as an amazing diorama.

Then I ventured further south, where it was hotter, were there was a rolling rugged tundra and just below that a special cave that was warm and moist and very appealing to Tranny the T-Rex, who was leading the way.

Then the game ended – suddenly.

“I don’t mind you walking your little figures over my tits, but if you think you’re putting them up my cunt, you’ve got another thing coming...”

Well, that fucking well told me...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:35, 5 replies)

A few more
a: running up stairs using my hands as well as my feet.

b: If I go for a pee, instead of messing about with undoing zips etc, I've taken to pulling my trousers and pants down to my knees.

c: I had a bag of sweeties the other day and I offered Mrs SLVA one. As she put her hand into the bag, I squeezed the bottom of the bag so she couldn't get one.

d: I say sweeties. I also say wee, pump and willy instead of piss, fart and penis.

d: A few months ago, I gave my eldest a lift to college. Because our house is set back from the road and that it was raining, we both made a 30 yard dash for the car, at the end of which I did a mini long-jump action. His response was "I used to do that when I was five."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:31, 4 replies)

Probably a couple of wife related things
Waiting until her hair was well and truly shampooed up in the shower, then creeping in while she had her eyes closed washing it out.

I recommend everyone try this (use your own wife or girlfriend). Went right up to the bath and put my face about 1 inch from her nose and just stayed there. The terrified screamy face clutching when she opened her eyes was fulsome, protracted, and like some sort of 50s B movie trailer depicted by Edward Munch. Awesome.

Another time I also laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself, we were walking with friends to a pub, holding hands. She was walking backwards briefly talking to someone behind. So I maintained our path - mine, clear; hers, blocked by a BT phonebox. What I couldn't have planned was that she would turn round to resume walking forwards at the exact moment we reached the phonebox and splat, insect-like against the perspex.

These things will probably cease being funny if I accidentally hurt her one day, but she's been ok so far.
( Throat And Ice Pie I see dem tatties dere., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:29, 5 replies)

Mwah!
I could use so many examples from my life for this week’s topic but I thought I would start with the most recent incident.

I am currently in the middle of a very bad divorce with my other half. Due to a couple of issues it looks like I am going to lose custody of my kids and a lot of people that once loved me turned against me.

Instead of acting like an adult, settling down and showing everyone I am a good parent and not a dumb ass bimbo who parties most nights getting her baps out for any member of the paparazzi I decided to act like an attention starved kid and make a fake story about being raped by a celebrity….that may be childish but my guess is that I will get the dumber part of the British public back on my side.

Love

Katie
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:28, 6 replies)

Toys!
I played with them until quite late in my childhood. I had a biscuit tin full of little action figures and various things I'd made and would often carry a little soldier in my pocket for company during the day. Making little things for my tiny army was a tremendous source of entertainment and creativity for me.

For whatever reason, I "matured" and kind of forgot about toys as I went to study and be all sophisticated and stuff. Years went by until I saw this:



It's an enormous, realistic toy helicopter that accommodates Action Man scale figures, and I had to have it.

And then subsequently about 150 little army dollies. And jeeps. And motorcycles. And hundreds of little accessories and things I've made myself including dozens of handwound wire coathangers for all the spare uniforms. They just multiply, I swear it's not my fault.

I'm not particularly ashamed of my hobby. When people see the collection (mostly hidden, I'm realistic...) their reaction is usually mild awe and impulsive grabbing motions. Women of almost all ages almost immediately pull down the nearest action figure's trousers, although sadly generally don't allow me to pull down theirs.

I like to think that I'm childlike, rather than childish, but it's hard to kid yourself when you're a tall, mephistophelian 32 year-old man, standing in the Barbie aisle looking for "civilian" clothes and moaning to yourself about the size and quality of Ken's footwear.
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:28, 5 replies)

I have not
talked to my brother for 15 years because he once took the piss out of me for listening to Erasure.

Do i win?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:10, 10 replies)

I like to play with the empty shampoo bottles in the bath
Not in a rude/perverted/sexual context either, just because I like making the bubbles.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:09, 3 replies)

Lifts
Every time i'm on my own in the lift at work, I wait til the car stops and then wave my hands Ben Kenobi style in front of doors to make them open with my special jedi powers. Every time.





i really hope there's no CCTV in the lift...
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:07, 2 replies)

I still
Can't step on the cracks in the pavement.

Hull and Glasgow are the only two places I've been where the pavingstones are of the right size for me to walk at my usual gait and naturally avoid the cracks.

That is the best thing I can say about Hull or Glasgow.
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:06, 6 replies)

Your mummaa
I never really grew out of the phrase of claiming I have had sexical intercourse with people's mothers (a phase that started when I was about 25).

Normally I stop before I massively overdo it, I'm pretty good at remembering whose mums are dead, and I rarely add the word 'bumwise', so it's probably only a little annoying.

Does it make it worse or better if I retract the claim based on the fact that, for one particular mum I definitely would?
(teebie jeebie, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:04, 1 reply)

I dangled a sock over my daughter's face when she fell asleep on a transatlantic flight
and took a photograph. Got her back for all the times on our holiday when she altered my Facebook profile to say that I smelled of poo.

I'd changed hers to say that she smelled of the biggest poo in the world or something before we left California though so I was still ahead even without the sock.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:01, Reply)

Pretending to be an F1 car
When walking round the office at the moment I pretend I'm a Formula 1 car- I try to keep the the 'racing line' when walking round corners and quietly make engine noises under my breath. Hours of fun!

NEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Thanks to SLVA for the reminder!
(xerophytic has no idea, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:00, 2 replies)

Childish? Moi?
The most childish thing i've ever done is to lie to make people click I like this so that i get on the Best of page.

Btw if you click I like this SpankyHanky will personally come to your house and give you fellatio
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 12:58, 7 replies)

Whenever I start
my car, I make a "BR-U-MMM!!" noise. It started off just to amuse the missus or the kids, but now I do it every time, which usually is when I'm by myself. Since about 3 months ago, I've started doing the engine noise too, with synchronised gear changes. If I'm in a rush, I sometimes do the "psssht" sound that a turbo-aspirated engine does (which my car doesn't have).

I even do a squealing noise on corners. In the carpark of the local Asda, the smooth tarmac makes the tyres squeal anyway, so I do the theme from Starsky & Hutch.

I realised how bad it was last week when I cycled to my mate's house (because that way I can sample some of his vast whisky collection). I set off from my garden gate and made motorbike noises as far as the end of the street before I realised.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 12:49, 2 replies)

I'm well witty I am
Everytime i play a bit of pool in the pub i always start by saying

"I'm too good at pool I'll absolutely rape you"
followed by
"and then beat you at pool"
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 12:42, Reply)

Innuendo - got to be.
I am small-fry in the company, but have a meeting with all the heads of the big kids twice a week, for which I produce and print out lists of the jobs we've got on. Depending on the time of year, these reports can be a few lines or several pages. A few weeks ago I put them down and one of my colleagues looked at them, looked me in the eye and said "Gosh, Vagabond - that's a big one.", resulting in the pair of us having to fight to keep it together in one of the most extreme cases of church giggles I've had since I was about 15.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 12:36, 1 reply)

aliasaria's post reminded me of this
Every once in a while whilst having an argument I tend to say

"I know you are you said you are but what am I"
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 12:34, Reply)

during arguments
I still say no returns, so that the opposition cannot come back with a witty reposte.

:D

Dear God, make me young again...
( Kyazrael Juan, two, three, floor?, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 12:31, 3 replies)