Local government bafoons
I used to work for a local government agency in West Yorkshire as IT support. One day I received a support call from a woman in a branch office who was in a blind panic.

She was babbling on about viruses and urgent warnings on her screen telling her to stop working imediately and how her data was at risk blah blah blah.

Anyway, after getting little/no sense out of her I dropped what I was doing and drove the 20 or so miles over to the branch office to take a look.

One look at her screen showed the problem, it was one of those buggering internet banner adverts posing as security warnings advising you to buy some piece of crap software you dont need to protect your pc.

I pointed out that this was just an advert, oh, and that she shouldnt be surfing the web during office hours.
(Marwood, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 1:34, Reply)

working at an ice cream store
when we sold ice cream cakes, we recited the same line every time: "make sure you get it in the freezer within half an hour, and if you have trouble cutting it, run the knife under hot water."

one lady came in on the busiest day of the year (first week of may, baskin robbins has a "free scoop day" with line-ups averaging an hour or more, it's crazy) demanding her money back for an ice cream cake we sold her. it rotted, she said.

she'd kept it in the fridge.
(blush, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 1:27, Reply)

I want to move my desk
I suppose I am basically the IT department where I work, but I also have to deal with customers when the store gets busy or when the salesman is in the bathroom masturbating. The company I work for sells mobile phones.

The problem is that I already have enough work to do, and I inevitably have to deal with moronic customer service issues which just put me further behind. Imagine trying to design a website while constantly being interupted by idiots who can't figure out how to read a fucking manual. They don't even call the store; they drive all the way there rather than take a few moments to READ the instructions on how to set up their voicemail box.

Anyway, there seems to be this tendency with with people who buy mobile phones to think that we are somehow obligated to replace their phone for free if they break it AND it's their fault? I had one guy come in and the LCD on his phone was smashed, and he storms out when I tell him that, that is not covered by warranty, and another who dropped his phone in the snow and was pissed off when I told him he'd have to buy another one.

According to this logic I suppose I could throw my VCR and DVD players out the window, and take them back to the store and demand that they replace them for free.
( ein, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 1:15, Reply)

gaaaaa..... ... .. . .
Sent a cics0 engineer out to replace a "faulty" router as the fella on site (some shop manager going menthal) was absolutely sure it was fubar and needed sorting quick.engineer called me back an hour later.the entire shop was in darkness.They`d had a power cut all day. No power - no lights, no nothing.Also, suprisingly enough, no workin router.
(collie, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 1:14, Reply)

someone at my work
was genuinely surprised when I told him that he needed to clean his mouse from time to time to to ensure smooth operation.

also, I drove all the way across town to restart a computer which was apparently "broken", because the person in the office hadn't thought to try that yet.
( teflon, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 0:56, Reply)

Some people weren't meant to own things with buttons
I used to work in a computer shop, this older couple bought a PC and all was good for about 2 days, then we started getting calls. Now usually we aren't meant to help, we had a helpline they called and they sorted out any problems. However we were nice, so we helped out even to the point were we went to their home to help them fix something. In the process we find out that their 'friend' has been helping them out by slowly screwing everything up with the PC under the guise of 'making it run better'. One of the first things we notice when we have a bitch of a time getting the machine to boot is sitting in the run command is 'msconfig' which there 'friend' had been using to 'help' them. We also find that he's installed AOL and Freeserve onto the machine and so it's easier for us for re-install and tell them not to let their friend help anymore.

2 days later the man and his wife turn back up at the store with the PC complaining that after we'd got it working again that their 'friend' had to re-do all his hard work to get things back to how he had them and now the machine wouldn't boot.

I gave the the refund for a hassle free life but as the woman left she put the boot in and told us that we didn't know anything about PC's. I promptly ran to the door after her and shouted 'in future if you want to join the twentieth century then may a suggest an etch-a-sketch and working you way up!'

an IQ test and neutering program wouldn't be a bad idea I swear!
( HornO, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 0:19, Reply)

I work in online media and advertising.
Last week we had a client send us the creative for an ad. They sent us a jpeg. It was a screen shot of a jpeg opened up in PhotoShop Elements.
( Artamnesia, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 0:09, Reply)

not a client
but a friend of mine asked her dad when they had a puncture why the flat bit of the tyre was always at the bottom....
( 100% kitten better than ever, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 0:01, Reply)

not a personal client...
But a relative of friend of mine ran a computer company in the DOS & windows 3.1 days. one afternoon a customer who had bought a computer, phoned in. the conversation went as follows:
techy: How can i help?
woman: My computer won't work!
techy: can you be more specific please?
woman: i don't know whats wrong, it's being weird and it won't do what i want!
techy: are there any messages on the screen saying what the problem might be?
woman: well, it says my himen has been broken or something.

the phone was subsequently slammed down, and the techy burst into fits of laughter, he barely managed to relay the story to his co-workers, at which point they all burst out laughing too.
moments later the phone rang, they manage to gain composure and answer. the same woman was on the phone 'hello? i think we got disconnected, can you help me with my broken himen please?

she was helped in the end, but i could never look at himem errors in the same light again.
( Muns, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 0:00, Reply)

I work at a hotel
crappy wages but I get to pick when I work so never mind.
It was poring with rain and the hotel main hall roof was leaking a little at one side - no matter we thought - we will just arange the tables for the wedding around the leak, not put any chairs or tables underneath the leak and it will be fine.
About 2 hours later the groom came accross to me and started complaining that some of his guests were getting wet from a leak in the roof. I went through to discover that they had moved under the leak despite the fact they had to move tables, several large containers full of dripped water and a "warning wet floor" sign.
the mind boggles.... well I do live in hartlepool I suppose..
sorry bout length.
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:51, Reply)

I used to work for a (then major) ISP
on the phones. this was back in 1997 when (i hope this has changed) people weren't as clued up as they are now. I used to get a lot of calls from people asking if they could download the whole internetas 'it costs too much in phone bills to look at it while i'm dialed up'

I also had to talk people through signing up over the phone, it would get to the point when i would ask them what type of modem they had (so i could set it up) and they would reply 'what!?! i need a computer?!? can't i get the internet through my television?'

those were long days ...
( spiny - things are looking up, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:50, Reply)

'tis true
I have enough storys about clients, but here is a good one.

I made a website for a client, and it was all going well. Managed to get all the right places on google, and he was happy. The following week he phones up and starts shouting at me "WHY IS THE WEBSITE DOWN !!!!".

I on to check the site and it was fine. I asked him to point out the problem, and he said "It is down, look. I want my money back" and starts going off on one about legal fees due to the site being down.

After 30 minuites he logs onto the internet.


My Family
Like a client, im teaching my arnty and uncle to use the computer. They have a few observations that I found funny.

1: You have to press "start" to turn off the copmuter
2: You have to press the 'power' button to turn the power off

After point 2, It toke me a good 20 mins to explain that it is the same as the TV.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:46, Reply)

Once had one of the most annoying users
Used to work in London and then moved to Oz, during the move I had to look after my replacement that my boss had hide without asking for my advice. He was supposed to be in charge of looking after the user base of 35 people and said that he had worked in much larger places and could handle this place very easily. I showed him all the systems, telling him the passwords and left him to start his new day as tech support. Within 10 minutes I got this fone call from my boss telling me that the idiot had come up to the MD office and in the process of trying to sort out a problem he had managed to delete all his documents and even managed to remove them from the recycled bin as well. When asked why he did this, he replied he thought it was the right thing to do as the computer was running low on hard disk space and the My Documents folder took up the majority of the space. Needless to say he still works there and I get the odd call from my ex boss asking me to fix his mistakes as they consider him to be a good asset who makes the odd mistake every now and again. Plus I think it helps being the son of the MD.
( NIrving Cannot think of anything to say!, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:37, Reply)

Slightly techie -
We had a customer, to whom we'd shipped a hard disk. He complained we'd only shipped a 40-pin scsi cable,rather than the standard 50-pin, and he didn't have a 40 pin scsi card
That'll be IDE then
( MartinH, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:23, Reply)

i once worked in a pub that had a "£1 a pint night", with posters and other POS all over the pub
cue one silly sod walking in off the street (stone-cold sober) and asking how much for a pint of stella

dickhead...

another classic was a kid (about 15/16) walking into the pub with 3 of his mates, casually walking up to the bar, and asking for 3 pints of carling, i ask him if hes 18, and he says "no, but my mates are"...
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:16, Reply)

Right
I'm a teacher. So the children are my clients. Yes...

I was teaching a set 1, year 10 english class, apparently the brightest kids in the year. We were looking at the first pages of 1984 by George Orwell, where it describes a poster of Big Brother. Then a pupil sticks his hand up and says 'If the book was written in 1949, then why is there a advert for Big Brother?'

I laughed, until i realised he wasn't joking.
( Plob, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:12, Reply)

Not a client, but stupid and quite funny.
My Dad and I were in the foyer of a theatre/arts centre thing, waiting to see a Pink Floyd tribute band. We had been waiting quite a while and I was looking around the room. High up on one wall was a round alarm bell, with the words 'Lift Alarm' written on it. I was puzzled by this and said to my Dad "Why would you want to lift the alarm?" My father burst into histerical laughter and I then realised that, of course, 'Lift Alarm' meant it was the alarm for the lift. I still laugh in shame when I think about it.
( Comma, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:08, Reply)

I used to work for an insurance company...
...and at one point dealt with application forms which often had sensitive medical questions, which were highly confidential.

Of course, we passed all the amusing ones around the office.

One of my favourites regarding the client's medical history was, "Doctor sent me for a brain scan three years ago... nothing was found"
( Mystery_Bob, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:04, Reply)

Clients are stupid
I once worked at a well known electronics shop, (Hint they named Halleys _____ after it.)

I once had a customer call me up to complain that the cup holder on the front of his PC was too flimsy for his mug. I know that people believe that this is an urban myth, but it happened to me.

I also worked in a bowling alley and you would have to be stupid to go in one of them out of choice.
( trev Is not interested in your fripperies, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:03, Reply)

I'm a lighting designer
An architect once said to me "we've increased the quantity of skylights in the building (an airport), so you must be able to save a lot of money... we won't need as many lights!"

You will at night, mate. See when that big orange thing goes below the horizon...

zeppelin.
( chaotic_illuminator proud spacehopperist, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:02, Reply)

When I was working in a cinema
There were some poeple who wouldn't shut up, I warned them a few times and then went up to them and said "You have been warned by me and by the usherette about being disrutpive, please leave. Now." They did but on the way out they said really loudly "God, anyone would think you weren't allowed to talk in a cinema!" which caused a brief laugh from the audience.
( Cadmus has teh uplikn coeds at, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:02, Reply)

In the high times of .com
I was freelancing at an agency, and they looked for new in-house designers.

They hired a bird who had no screen design expertise or portfolio and showed them a hand-drawn pen and paper animation of a horse shagging a woman during her interview as an example of her skills.

The web agency hired her. I asked for my cheque in advance.
( sinisterduck, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 23:01, Reply)

I used to work in a supermarket,
and the majority of customers there are thicker than two short planks, easily. One of the worst i've ever had was when I was in an aisle, and a customer came up to me and asked where the jam was. I replied that it was behind them. They turned around, and then turned back and asked me if I was sure. I said yes. They turned back and stared at the shelves dumbly while I escaped to slack off elsewhere...
( Lethe is carrying a spade. SPANG., Sun 28 Dec 2003, 22:59, Reply)

a client of ours
wanted to close their web site for two days to do the euro revamp. We did a holding page, with a logo, a sorry message and an email link. they claimed that people know them by the design of their navigation not their logo and asked us to put the navigation in, just without the links.

However, one of my junior developers topped that by starting to take out the hrefs of the links, rather than just doing a screenshot.
( sinisterduck, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 22:59, Reply)

I work in web advertising (for my sins)
anyway, we submit alot of concepts as sketches which saves time
in the process of things. Anyway, we were under the impression the
client (who works for a rather large car corporation) understood this,
and signed off the concepts, and then asked if we would be using
real photography to sell the car or this really loose sketchy style,
bless!
( breel, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 22:58, Reply)

Tried to demo a site with a client at their HQ.
I let them try it out on their computers after the initial presentation blurb thingy. Went for dinner and then went back and tried to get feedback. Got a load of info that sounded as if they hadn't looked at the site at all. Getting more and more suspicious as the day went along - they claiming to have seen bugs which had nothing to do with my site... turned out they were too embarassed to admit that their IT admin was on holiday, and all 3 of their team had forgotten their logins...
( Claws of Doom I am no longer infected, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 22:58, Reply)

NO SIGNAL!
mette: it says "no signal" on the screen!?
kaiser: (starts the computer pushing the power button)
( Kaiser, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 22:57, Reply)

hmmm, quite boring, but..
a client was complaining that their intranet apps weren't working properly.
it turned out they were double-clicking links, forcing the page to load twice and screwing up the javascript
( munkt0n, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 22:56, Reply)

As a Home Carer for the Elderly many of my 'cilents'
(as Social Services like to call them - Old Gits is what I call them) are always doing and saying the most stupidest things. One day prior to the Bank Holiday I was asked if I minded going to the newsagents to get the old dear 2 copies of The Mirror. When I asked her why she required two copies she said "Just in case I can't get one on the Bank Hoilday!"
( maiden is filmed before a live studio audience, Sun 28 Dec 2003, 22:56, Reply)