Just remembered a good one...
I used to work for a central heating supplies firm in the Midlands called Time & Temperature. Almost every week without fail, we would get this old lady calling...

"Hello? Can you tell me the time please? And what temperature is it?"
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 15:03, Reply)

Actually, this is the other way around ...
I was attempting to configure M2 to use as my default mail client and couldn't figure out how to set up the SMTP authentication. So after rooting through Opera and BT's help files I finally caved in and called BT myself.

Me: Hi, I want to use an e-mail client other than Outlook Express and I can't seem to find any literature on it on your site. Is this a case of BT Openworld not working with non-Microsoft programs or can I get any help from you?

Tech Support: Uh ... what's an e- mail client?

Me: ....... *hangs up*

And yes, I worked it out about ten minutes later. But seriously ...
(Rev. Otana, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 15:02, Reply)

Being in IT support and all...
We've got a bit of software that lets us take remote control of someone's PC. In order to do this, the user must accept a message to let us connect. Thus the following happens:

ME: Can you click yes to that message? It will allow me to take full control of your PC.

User(Dumb Twunt): Oh, Ok

ME: Thanks,

User: Oh my god, the mouse is moving on its own. Oh my God, God, Sh*t, F*ck, oh my god....

ME: Calm down, that's me doing that. See it goes left, it goes right.....

User: *faints*

twats All of them
(masterbassist, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 14:58, Reply)

One of my clients
decided that instead of paying a professional (me) to do his website, he would do it himself. After all, how hard can it be?

www.jura-capital.com

The most galling part was that he spent three days calling me to help him with his HTML. cranberry.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 14:55, Reply)

I work for a popular theme park...
which begins with "A" and ends with "lton Towers" as a ride assistant (you know the surly kids who do your harnesses when you sit on a ride? Well I am they)

Anyway, one day in the middle of the school summer holidays I'm standing by my enable button (pressed to show the main ride operator that the ride is ready to be dispatched) minding my own business. With all the kiddies out of school theres a good 90 minute queue, which stretches all round the ride in an attempt to whet the appetites of potential punters, giving an excellent view of the lunch- losing delights on offer.

Suddenly, a woman getting ready to go on the ride (who has had a full 90 minutes of staring at the thing from all angles, lest we forget) taps me on the shoulder and asks "Excuse me, is this a rollercoaster?"

The words "no love, its a fcuking plate of chips" formed on my lips but were somehow choked back by my attempts to keep a straight face...
(NUNS!!_REVERSE!_REVERSE!, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 14:53, Reply)

Teleportation...
It has happened to a friend - but he's my best friend and he a reliable source: While preparing the production of a brochure the client was presented with several samples of paper to decide which structure, weight etc. he preferred. On the phone one day, the client said to my friend, that he would like to see another paper sample to which my friend replied "Sure, I put it in an envelope and mail it to you." Replied the client: "Nah, that takes too long. Just put it on your fax machine and send it over." A long and uncomfortable silence ensued...
(Ollsen, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 14:51, Reply)

Not Client but Cow Orker related.....
Working with various dumb-arses in pubs during my Uni years yielded the following:

A girl spending 20mins in a cupboard searching for the correct cleaning product when our manager suggested she use 'some Elbow Grease' when Brasso-ing.

A girl walking away mentally satisfied when posing the question: Why is there water in the bottom of the ice bucket?
To be told that it was there to keep the ice cold she responded, "Of course! Why didn't I think of that?".

Don't even start me on the customers.
( partychancer, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 14:18, Reply)

When I was in tech support,
somebody put a 3.5 floppy disk into their CDrom drive.
I've got many many more, but that one strikes me as the best.
( Sea Urchin Ceviche, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 14:16, Reply)

I work in a toy shop (I know dont say it)
anyway, this little kid came in and bought some fart putty, 59p it cost him. So i sold him, i handed him the reciept which he promtly dropped on the floor.
An hour and a half later the same boy came in. He slammed the pot on the counter and demanded a refund. I asked him for the reason why he was returning it, he meekly replied 'I don't want it anymore.' I told him that we could't refund without the reciept and that the product was not faulty, he left the shop.
10 minutes later he comes in with a man (his father)he was demandidn to see the manager for a refund (59 whole pennies) this went on for about 15 minutes. The whole shop had reaced a standstill watching this guy gett madder and madder. When the bosses boyfriend (a policeman) walked in it promtly went silent and the pair left quickly.
(Cockfosters!, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 14:11, Reply)

i used to work for the police
processing crimes into a computer. i got some really stupid ones.

one was from a chef who reported a 14 yr old for stealing a banana from the storage area.

one was from the store guard of a popular high street office suppliers who was walking to work. on the way he was stopped by a guy who tried to sell him a set of computer speakers for £10. the store guard recognised the speakers as being stolen from his store, asked to see the guy's receipt, guy ran off.

the best was in the car park of a popular superstore, some kids were trying to hotwire car and were spotted by a member of the public. one of them ran off, into a main road and was hit by a car.

oh, and police officers aren't the sharpest tools in the box either. i used to get hair descriptions that said stuff like "long blonde hair" or "receding grey hair." one said "short mousey house". made my day that one.
(hnnrs, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 13:52, Reply)

while in work
we have an answerphone that asks customers to leave there telephone number and address etc.
this one cust phoned in and said:
"my name is mrs brown" followed by a series of beeps and then in the background she said "how do i enter my postcode?"
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 13:43, Reply)

I am the law!
From the top of my head, I remember one incident when I was working in an independent games shop.

Guy came in with a purpose, produced a game from his jacket (which he bought brand new from us earlier) and proceeded to open the box to show us the contents. Inside was a PSX cd clean smashed into 3 pieces - I suppose you can guess what happened can't you? Yep, the guy began putting forward his case for a refund, which went something like this:

Guy: Look it's broken, I want a refund.
Us: You can't have one I'm afraid, we don't sell games broken like that.
Guy: But I didn't do it, I'm telling you I bought it like this!
Us: But we personally check all games before selling them, we wouldn't sell you a cd in three pieces.

And so the conversation went on, and the bloke got madder and madder. By this time he was nigh on shouting at my boss while a a couple of us were sniggering at the other end of the counter. Then came the grand finale:

Us: Sorry, we can't refund you for this.
Guy: LOOK, I'M A POLICEMAN, WE DON'T LIE!

At this point we basically laughed the guy out of the shop, I'm surprised the smoke alarm didn't go off from all the steam his ears were producing.
(Sureshot, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 13:14, Reply)

Clients Customers, all stupid
Pity me, I worked in 7-11 once, don't drink the Slushies.
Cust - Hello
Me - Hello is that 7-11
- Yes
- What time are you open.
- Ummmm..
(spaghetti sideshow, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 13:14, Reply)

In my previous job as a technical assistant (lackey) at a chartered surveyors.
I was gathering pictures for a report, and suddenly noticed that all the pictures on the network has suddenly turned into vbs files.

So I worked out it was the PlanColumbia virus or something, and then proceeded to purge the network of all the overwritten jpegs. All 6600+ of them.

I found out the Managing Parnter was responsible, and had recived an email with "top secret fbi files!!" and had happily run it.

So when he got a phonecall from a client apologising for sending him a virus, he decided to uninfect his system by deleteing the email, and not telling the IT guy.

Who when I told, "these files are viruses on the networks - I opened them up and checked them".

He went, really? *click*click* Nothings happening.

*sigh*
( tef, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 13:06, Reply)

While working for the very well known music television channel...
...they hired a designer solely on a ten question questionairre, based largely around Dreamweaver. This person was to be the sole, key creative for the entire pan-european operation.

The crunch question was, 'what is CSS'.

The guy who 'won' would build everything using frames rather than tables (ie. a table cell would be an individual frame) and had no grasp on how to change a font

He didn't have a portfolio, any practical design experience or education.

Not strictly client based I realise, but shudderingly stupid never-the-less.
( DangerousClive, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 13:06, Reply)

Aww, bless.
I was part teaching a Science lesson with a Year 8 class, and we'd decided to do something simple for them, continuing with the last lessons theme of aerodynamics, so we had them all make an advertisement for a new super swish product that had the main selling point of being highly aerodynamic and streamlined. All was going as usual until I came across one childs poster. Her product, the highly aerodynamic, designed for speed product was a parachute, the main point of said product being to make things fall slower, and be about as aerodynamic as, well, a parachute. Which made both of us teachers laugh, quite a lot...
( Lethe is carrying a spade. SPANG., Mon 29 Dec 2003, 13:03, Reply)

Foolish people
Had to help some old person with their internet
problem, told me they couldn't access the net
through their browser. Tried lots of things and
everthing was set up correctly, so I asked the
guy to show me the problem. So he launched IE,
saw the homepage then said; "Well, that's not
very good" and promptly closed the browser. Never
did work out why he did that.
( anythingbutthisactually, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 13:01, Reply)

I work in an internet cafe.
My job involves retail and technical support.

One of my favorite questions that I get are "How long does a Day Pass last for?".

A while back, a tramp came in the shop and started harrasing the people, so I asked him what was up.

"I NEED TO PUT SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET" (Yes, He wouldspeak in Caps)

"What do you need to put on the internet?"

"THE TRUTH! I'LL GIVE A COPY TO YOU TOO, AND THE ONE FOR THE INTERNET"

He slowly unfolds a piece of paper infront of me.

"YOU SEE THE TRUTH, I MUST PUT THIS ON THE INTERNET!"

"Sir, we don't do Web hosting, you would have to put this on the internet yourself"

"WHAT?"

*cue explaination of the basics of the internet and how web pages are served*

"So you need to find someone to host your pages on their server, we don't do this."

"WHO DOES?"

"Geocities"

"WHERE ARE THEY?"

"www.geocities.com do free hosting and you can put that info on the internet"

"YES, BUT WHERE ARE THEY?"

"This isn't a physicial location, it's a website - not a shop on the street where you can ask them to do it for you, you have to go to their website"

At this point he looks more confused than when he came in, and walks to the door.

I also get senile grannies asking me how to check hotmail (by this they are asking me to go and type in an email and send them), and refusing to go away even when I explain that helping them would involve leaving the till unattended, and the front area of the shop.

On a daily basis I'm asked if we do printing, and point to the sign behind me with the charges - then they ask how much it costs.

Then I explaning to them they print normally, and collect it once we print it off when they have finished, they go away and run back and try to grope the printer expecting a fresh printout.

They refuse to read signs, or menus, or even posters in front of them. Except the people who will walk past the fridge containing food, and ask for a sandwich.

I hate my job.
( tef, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 13:00, Reply)

Amazingly, not computer related
I work on the deli in my local sainsburys when im at home from uni, earning my beer money sort of thing.
Standard practise at a deli, you take a number, when its your turn, the big red lcd screen overhead beeps pretty loud and moves to the next number, and the number is shouted out by the person ready to serve somone.

too often, one of the following happens:

1) you shout the persons number to their face, and they dont respond, staring back, despite repetition. so you shout the next number, which usually wakes them up and makes them go crazy with waving and shouting.
Sometimes they're down an aisle and come sprinting from across the store with ticket over their heads.
2) some think they still need a ticket when theres no other customers at the deli and there are 5 colleagues doing nothing, looking at them, asking if they want help, even chasing after them as they slowly walk towards the ticket dispenser, asking repeatedly what they want.
3) people wait for 20 minutes in a huge queue to get some olives, which are on the end of the deli and are self service , with signs saying so.
4) People who know only how much cheese they want in terms of size, but try to convert that into an approximation of weight (usually in pounds and ounces which the scales dont do, we have to whip out the conversion chart), which we then have to guess in terms of size when we cut the damn bit of cheese.
5) people who just walk away when they have ordered everything they want. no thanks, not even a "thats everything", sometimes they're just putting things in their trolley, so you have stand there in front of 10s of people waiting to be served watching them to see if they're coming back.

Doesnt sound too bad, but with probably 70% of customers doing one or more of these you do start to despise the general public.
(King Mittens, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 12:53, Reply)

Hunk of the Day
This wasn't strictly the client's fault, but it's my favourite incident working as an IT bod.

This manager in the Civil Service had just inherited a workstation from a secretary. He phoned the desk, absolutely livid, saying that he couldn't get rid of the wallpaper.

"OK, chill out for Christ's sake" I thought.

What had actually happened was that every day, he would get a pin-up hunk of the day as his wallpaper. He could get rid of it, but as soon as he logged on the next morning, he would get a brand new picture of a topless fireman holding a kitten or something similar.
(Ponky, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 12:33, Reply)

Parents are stupid
First post...blah blah blah

Last year my parents finally took the plunge and bought a computer to get on this t'internet that everyone was talking about. Having managed to set the thing up themselves they called on their dilligent son (me) for a crash course in using the internet. To be fair they picked things up quicker than I thought they would and were off surfing in no time.

I went back a week later for Sunday dinner and asked if everything was ok with the computer. "Fine", my dad replied. My mum just gave me a sheepish look. Later that afternoon I logged on to their computer to check my emails and was flabbergasted to see that their internet history was full of gay pr0n sites.

"Er, why are all these sites in your history?" I asked - visions of my dad, a gimp and a family tragedy filling my head.

"That's your fault!", piped up my mum indignantly. You said if I typed "Hot male" into the search engine it would take me to the email login".

"That would be m-a-i-l, mum".

"Oh".

Thing is there were loads of sites. She'd obviously tried dozens of links.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 12:15, Reply)

mobile phones
There should be an intelligence test before buying mobile phones. I work on an O2 helpdesk and this call comes in.
Customer: "Hi, I've bought a voucher and it won't work on my phone. The number is ".
Me: "That's not showing on my system here, are you sure it's an O2 voucher?"
Customer: "Yes, I've got these before."
Me: "Okay, turn the voucher over and look at the front, please. What does it say?"
Customer: "Pay and go! Like I said, it should work!"
Me: "Does it say T-MOBILE right in the middle?"
Customer: "...you've sold me the wrong kind of voucher! I demand a refund!"

Sigh.
( Jalu, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 12:14, Reply)

Your standard luser
Last year I joined a helpdesk and having worked with various ISPs before I knew what I was letting myself in for (most of the time).

I was amazed one day to find myself attempting to trouble shoot a network printer problem. I had asked the user what she had done before the printer had stopped - she informed me that the printer hadn't started printing so she had clicked the print button a few more time for good measure.

I looked on the printer's queue and found she had indeed clicked print a few more times to the effect of nearly 100 jobs!

Of course I had to discipline her for being stupid mainly by making her feel like a complete worm!!!

I was also surprised when I worked for and ISP that this sweet old bloke with the best of intentions wanted to get "internet" through his TV - after hooting with laugher I advised him that it be best he visit a local store and get a computer first! Classic!
(CaPPsiE, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 12:04, Reply)

Wrong click
I work for a Broadband company on a help desk. I was trying to check if the customer had installed the drivers for his hardware. I asked the customer to right click on My Computer. To my suprise he said he could not, it wont let him.
"what?" I said,
"It wont let me write the word click on it at all"
(Howiepoohs, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 11:52, Reply)

Oh yes indeed
Me: "Okay, are you in Office 97?"

Client: "No, I'm in the basement..."

And if you've heard this before... yes it HAS become a bit of an "urban legend", but that's because it was part of my "Smooth Operator" entry in Network News magazine, circa 1998.

I won first prize, a Palm V. I'll try and dig out the magazine and scan it.
( Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 11:45, Reply)

Paranoia at its finest....
We have this one guy in the office, who would like to think he should be a hotshot web developer and PC repairman. In reality, he's at the bottom of the corporate food chain on the customer service desk. One lazy afternoon I'm at my desk when he appears behind me with a sheepish gape, can't look me in the eye, and asks if we have any new "security devices" installed on the PCs. When I asked him what he meant, he replied with what has become the benchmark for ludicrous IT requests.

"Well, I was typing stuff, and I think I might have typed in something I wasn't supposed to, because all this blue dye started spilling from my keyboard"

I was crippled with inward laughter while trying to keep a poker face and could only reply "no"....obviously his pen had broken, and to this day I'm still amazed at such a cretinous level of moronism, but kind of flattered that he'd reach that conclusion and think I had something to do with it.
(Osiris, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 11:41, Reply)

Eep. This one was just odd
This happened in February 1998 and I'm trying to get this as verbatim as possible. Answered the phone at work one day with my standard greeting and got this.

Caller: I've just bought a telephone for my sister, you see, and she's in a wheelchair...

Me: Right...

Caller: It's a very good phone, but I'm having trouble programming my phone number into the memory. It's a BT Model.

Me: Well, we're not really set up to give that sort of advice. Is there a number in the instruction pamphlet in the phone?

Caller: [Indignantly] Well, there might be. I didn't think to look. [Pauses] It's just that...

Me: Sir?

Caller: I am through to the National Disabled Telephone Helpline, aren't I?

Me: [Long silence caused by me cutting the mic on the phone off to hide the fact that I'm unsuccessfully stifling giggles]

Caller: Hello?

Me: [composing myself again] Sorry, sir; yes you are through to the National Disabled Telephone Helpline. It's just that we give out disability advice. Not telephone advice.

Caller: I see. [Pause] Oh, I think I have a number here. It's in the pamphlet, like you said. [Pause] Thank you, you've been very helpful.

Me: No, thank you. Goodbye now.

Caller: Goodbye.

What I loved is that he was determined to thank me for something in spite of having rang up and made a complete arse of himself. Bless.
( sp3ccylad carries on breathing all the way up to, say, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 11:17, Reply)

I've just remembered another one
I work for an IT training company and one of my former colleagues was our resident "teccy", responsible for keeping the network afloat etc. One day an ink-jet fax machine ran out of ink, so he wandered off to get a new cartridge. Moments later he returned, a new Epson cartridge in his hands, unperturbed by the fact that the fax machine was actually made by Ricoh. Anyway, there followed a few seconds of him trying to force the cartridge into the machine without success, before he decided to compare the new cartridge to the old one. After a short while, he excitedly points out that the sole difference between the cartridges was a small plastic lump on the new one which the old one didn't have.

Now, what would *you* do at this point? Put the new one back and find the right one for the machine? Of course you would. Not this guy. He wandered out to his car, returned with an angle grinder, and proceeded to reshape the cartridge. There was a scream, the angle grinder stopped suddenly, and he ran in, covered with ink.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 11:03, Reply)

when i worked in currys
selling mobile phones, one customer kept sending his back claiming it was faulty. no-one could find anything wrong with it so my boss asked the bloke how he used it. it turned out that he had been using it like a walkie-talkie (moving it from his mouth to speak and to his ear to listen). then again, you have to be pretty stupid to buy anything from currys anyway. or work there.
(benito vaselini no not that one, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 11:02, Reply)

More helpdesk nonsense
While working for a local government agency I had the pleasure of dealing with several ridiculous IT helpdesk calls, but only one was funny enough for me to remember it now...

Phone rings, I pick up:

Caller: Hello!!? It's on fire!!
Me: Pardon? What?
Caller: It's on fire! It-it-it-it's burning our eyes!!!
Me: Please calm down Sir, what's on fire?
Caller: The screen! It's on fire and it's burning our eyes! What should we do?!
Me: Have you turned it off at the mains? Have you called the Fire Brigade?
Caller: Not yet, thought we should call you first to check what we should do.
Me: Well, it would be best to turn it off and call the Fire Brigade. Then get a new monitor.
( madshu, Mon 29 Dec 2003, 10:53, Reply)