Bollocks! Oh, never mind....
Many moons ago, supervising the door at a gig at my college, I spot Mick Jones of The Clash, *the* band of the moment, looking a little lost. I wandered over and asked "Not coming in then?" He pointed out that he needed to be signed in by the holder of a valid NUS card (we'd had a little problem with non-students trashing the place at previous gigs and we could do that for ourselves, thank you very much!). "No probs" says I, "I'll sign you in". I did, and Mick disappeared, promising to buy me a pint. I didn't believe for a moment he would but, five minutes later, he reappeared with a pint for me. Wow!

We got to talking and it was going well until, in my stupid star-struck mind I though I'd ask "So how did you get to join the Clash?". An icy curtain descended, "I *formed* the Clash" hissed Mick and walked off to talk to someone sensible.

At least I managed to stop myself from calling out "I knew that...."
(Roladex, Wed 18 May 2011, 13:58, 7 replies)

Dorking
I'd bumped into some people who worked for the same company as myself in a pub one summer. Being an international company, it's not unusual. Polite conversation follows with their alpha male and I ask where they're visiting Brighton from. "Dorking" they reply. (i dont know why i said this, and i'd've probably said this about wherever they were from) "Oohh Dorking, all webbed fingers and toes in that place!" All of a sudden every one looks away and everything goes deathly silent. I look to the ground, and through the guys flip flops, i see, to my horror - webbed toes! I drank up and left without saying a word!
(sunray18, Wed 18 May 2011, 13:30, 5 replies)

In a posh shop in Harrogate a month or two back
I was standing around bored whilst my better half was looking at clothes when a mum with her baby in a pram came in. The very nice old lady who was running the shop started chatting to her and asked her the baby's name, having been told it was Jack she said to him, "Jack's a lovely name I can't think of any nasty Jacks"

I think to myself, "Yeah, except the Ripper" and have a wry smile. Then I realise that I didn't so much think it as say it loudly enough for everyone in the shop except my fiancee to hear, a truely deafening silence follows. Ten pairs of eyes all staring daggers at me when I try to make the situation better by saying, "Well they weren't sure that was his real name." My better half comes over takes one quick look at the situation, looks at me with a classic "what have you done?" look and forcilbly drags me from the store.
(hating swallows is 20 yards from the nearest Jaffa cake, Wed 18 May 2011, 13:13, 15 replies)

Pub Times..
*pop* first post so go easy....

There was a group of us down the pub Monday evening to celebrate a member of the groups birthday, nothing particually conversational stopping about that, as the beers flowed so did the banter, anyhoo I digress, the conversation got round to chatting to one of the barmaids, when I noticed that she looked like there was a bat in the cave... So I did what any normal person would do and attempted to diffuse the situation by privately informing her of the bat.

The earth shatteringly cringworthy conversation stopper was then announced to the whole pub at a volume that drown out a jet "Oh don't worry its not a bogey, its a skin tag"

There was a stunned silence for what seemed like hours, but was probably only seconds..
(_kg_ has finally come out of hiding, and is scared..., Wed 18 May 2011, 13:10, 9 replies)

Riverdunce
I was at a party I was a bit pissed weaving my way through the people and I passed a lady with a bandaged foot propped up on an adjacent chair I caught a snippet of conversation about Irish dancing.

"Bloody stupid that Irish dancing is" I slurred doing a little foot wiggly hop with my arms down my sides

"it's quite difficult to do properly you know" said the lady with the bandage

"well then it's even more bloody stupid, all that effort and practice and what do you get? You look like a twat with no arms, anyway what's wrong with yer foot?"

"I sprained it Irish dancing"

"ah"
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 18 May 2011, 12:58, Reply)

Hm
In a bar in Asuncion, Paraguay, in 2000 my friend and I were at a slight loss due to lack of Spanish / Guarani and were helped by a friendly old man of European extraction. Conversing in a mixture of Portuguese, halting German and English he told us all about the country and what sights to see etc etc etc. My friend piped up, asking if he was from Paraguay (there is a sizeable German Mennonite community in Paraguay dating from at least the 1900s)? His reply? "Oh no, I spent some time in Russia and Poland but then I had to move over here due to legal and political difficulties in 1945."
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 18 May 2011, 12:38, 1 reply)

Actually my mum's dead.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 May 2011, 12:38, 30 replies)

so obvious it must have bindun x 100
I met a girl I had known from school many years later.
We arranged to meet up with her friend and my friend to make a 4 for a drink. After a while odd little comments along the likes of ' it's a bit like what Jesus did. . 'kept cropping up.
It soon became clear we had fallen into the grasp of that most evil of creatures - the evangelical fuckwit.
When the conversation was steered to 'Of course, the bible says homosexuality is wrong.. .' James, my friend, squeezed my knee and said
'We had better get an early night, Dear.' and we left.
She had a nice pair of Temple Mounts though.
(BigAndyBee, Wed 18 May 2011, 12:01, 5 replies)

I was working on the night shift last week
and one of the Healthcare assistants I was on with said, about the alcohol hand gel stuff we were discussing at the time, "Oh, it's the same as embalming fluid if you drink it."
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Wed 18 May 2011, 11:54, 3 replies)

English etiquette
Sat with my old boss once in the quaint old English tea room (the only place for miles around remote offices which sold edible food and drink), we'd ordered a pot of tea and some scones, being that we are done proper English posh types who liked to pretend we were civilised and that.

Anyhoo, the pot of tea arrived at our table accordingly, with the elderly lady who'd served us bustling back off for our scones. Remembering my manners, I picked up the pot and directed the question to my boss in a loud, toffy voice: "SHALL I BE MOTHER FUCKER?"

Just at the unfortunately timed moment the little old lady - who had shuffled up behind me silently - lent across my face to put down our plate of scones.
(DBS, Wed 18 May 2011, 11:52, 3 replies)

Standing in the Pub
Having some banter with some chums, when a fella was spotted in the corner with foreshortened arms...

"That looks grim" says one mate. "Aye" says another, "His Mum probably took Thalidomide when she was pregnant...poor bastard, it must be terrible to be like that"

It was probably not a good idea to say "Don't knock Thalidomide, its a wonder drug if you're shit at knitting sleeves!"

Things were quiet for a while after that...
(frightfullybored, Wed 18 May 2011, 11:49, 11 replies)

Back to around 1980. I had a radio cassette recorder, that
I used to take everywhere with me.

Most Sundays I would religiously rush home in time to listen to the Top 40, and record all the tunes I wanted, to be played over the coming week. I also had a rather nasty habit, as was not uncommon in 13 year old boys, of recording other miscelany such as burps and farts.

So, I'm sure you've guessed where we're going here.

Grandma and Grandad were coming to stay for the week. They used to get the train from their house in Surrey, to redhill. My parents would pick them up from there.

In the car with Mum, picked up said grandparents, we're driving home, chattering away happily. Mum has borrowed last weeks top 40 tape to play in the car. Approaching Westerham, some jaunty Michael Jackson tune or similar is playing.

. . . living off the waaaaall . . . .

*crackle, crunch *

"Wait, wait, I've got one coming" *giggling sounds, banging and crashing noises*

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!"

*more giggling sounds*

"you dirty cunt!"

*laughter* *cruch, bang*

. . . . living off the wall . . . .

Silence. Granny looking at Mum, Grandad looking at me, Mum staring at the road ahead, all thinking 'Was that what I thought it was???'.
(username failed moderation, Wed 18 May 2011, 11:31, 2 replies)

Playing her Song
My maternal grandmother's funeral, though sombre, was not a particularly emotional affair. This was for a couple of reasons, the most important of which was that she had been doolally for quite some time by the time she died: whatever had been important about her had vanished long before her body gave out anyway. Moreover, my family is not the sort to display emotions publicly (or at all, for that matter). We're quite a stoic bunch.

After the service, we were standing outside the church chatting with some of the people who'd come along. My mother was in conversation with one well-wisher when she was interrupted by someone she vaguely recognised, but to whom (she later said) she couldn't put a name.
"I just wanted to say," hissed the half stranger, "that I knew your mother, and she would not have approved of those hymns."

By the time Mum had processed what had been said, the indignant stranger had stalked off into the February afternoon. We're still not sure who she was.

It's a reworked pea from a couple of months ago, but I reckon it works here...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 18 May 2011, 11:01, 9 replies)

Greenpeace
Greenpeace chuggers in NZ need a new approach.
"Have you drunk any milk today?" is not a great opener.
I can't be the only person who drinks black tea and doesn't really do breakfast, didn't even break my stride to answer that one!
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Wed 18 May 2011, 10:31, 5 replies)

Two daughters
Guy in office picks up my work colleagues family photo. Nice daughters. She replies. Thats Louis, hes a boy. ouch.
(Peno Lives In a Coal Bunker, Wed 18 May 2011, 9:44, 3 replies)

The Old Mariner
[Insert first post related warning.]

I had a friend who was working away with a group of 20 somethings and a grizzled ex-merchant navy boy who kept himself to himself and was generally not part of the larger group.

After work one evening while they were having a couple of jars one young chap mentioned the rope burn he'd received earlier, and said it "Hurt like buggery".

The old sailor growled "Nothing hurts like buggery." and suddenly it was a bit late and everyone was tired.
(fairynuf, Wed 18 May 2011, 9:44, 2 replies)

I had to go to a training seminar..
..where I would be joined by all the UK representatives of the company I worked for........in Swansea.
My head wasn't particularly in the game as we checked into the hotel en masse. In an economy drive the company got us twin rooms and I was first to check in. They called out my room mate (a stranger) and in the effort to break the ice my first words to him were,

"You'd better be careful mate, I sleep rape"

Surrounded by the horrified expressions of the hotel staff and my peers I wished that perhaps my internal appropriateness filter worked a bit better.

My room mate was a good sport about it and had an uninterrupted nights sleep.
(SlowLoris among the pigeons., Wed 18 May 2011, 9:32, 3 replies)

I once went to QOTW and pointed out to them that stories are formulaic, and then I pointed out that I had spotted which formulae they were using.
That told them, the fucking, FUCKING CUNTS!

ARRRRGH! FUUUCK!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 18 May 2011, 9:18, 32 replies)

Mong goose reminded me...
Standing in my local one day with my back to the door, I suddenly could smell chinese food.

Sniffing the air in a scooby doo way, I remarked "I can smell chinese", only to turn around and come face to face with Christine, an oriental looking woman.

Oh how everyone else laughed as I blustered "No, no - I meant FOOD! I can smell chinese food!"
( snee held his breath since, Wed 18 May 2011, 9:15, 6 replies)

A couple of years ago
A friend had people round, we played video games, watched movies and drank beer. A couple of guys ordered a Chinese take away, which was running late. I was passing the door when I heard a knocking, which I quickly answered. Shouts of "Chinkeys finally here!" started to erupt behind me. It wasn't. It was my friend and his Chinese girlfriend, who were also running late. Slightly awkward, but she didn't take offence. I shouted the food wasn't there and who'd arrived.

I walked into the room, followed by my mate most people greet him by name, then in walks his girlfriend, to the sound of more knocking and another chorus of "Chinky!"

Very awkward moment, though she didn't seem too offended.
(Mong goose, Wed 18 May 2011, 8:51, 8 replies)

Blood pressure.
My previous job was full of ignorant people. I overheard two coworkers in the break room talking about high blood pressure. As I walked by I told them doctors don't recommend it, but I just cut myself to let some pressure out. One guy started laughing as the other said in a serious tone "You can do that?". The whole break room fell silent waiting for him to laugh or show signs that he was joking. Some people just need to stay in school.
( postal ninja has Transmissible spongiform encephalopathies, Wed 18 May 2011, 8:14, Reply)

Pregnancy Tale
Earlier this year when I was 8 months pregnant and shaped like a beachball i was wandering through our city centre when i was greeted by a very fit looking person standing next to two treadmills. I've seen them accost others in an effort to get them to join their gym and i was in no mood to be told anything weight related (possibly hormonal moodiness considering I had only gained my bump and no extra fat).

As soon as I was greeted by this overly fit young (late teens) girl, I stopped her dead by responding "If you realise I'm heavily pregnant you'd know i'm not in a position to start a new fitness regime. Or you just think i'm fat."

And walked on.
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Wed 18 May 2011, 1:54, 5 replies)

Not mine, but true apparently...
When Sony bought Columbia pictures around 1990, a Hollywood suit was showing a Japanese exec around the studio. He was explaining how film production worked, how 90% of Hollywood movies lose money, and thus how the profits from the blockbuster hits are generally just keeping the studio afloat by offsetting the losses from the rest of their output.

The Japanese guy says, "why you not just stop making shit movies?"
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Tue 17 May 2011, 23:38, 5 replies)

conversation killers
It was the dullest New Years Eve party ever and Jack, who had just been evangelized, started a round of questions about your proudest accomplishment of the year. Of course Jack had found Jesus and so it went around the circle until it cam to me. I said - I had a 24 inch turd- expecting to be required to explain that it was a sure sign of radiant good health to have such logs. Instead nobody said anything, just quietly stared into their drinks.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 17 May 2011, 23:11, 3 replies)

More charity muggers
Charity Mugger: "Did you know that hundreds of thousands of Africans live on less that $1 a day?"

Me: "Ah proof it can be done, you wont need my money then"
(Hansdown, Tue 17 May 2011, 22:55, 1 reply)

Four wheeled Creature
For many years I worked in the music business when recorded music came mainly the the form of black discs that revolved at either 45 or 33 rpm.

When I was working for a small pressing plant in north London a client came in to collect a number of test pressings. I knew the guy well and as usual he asked me my opinion of the artists. My colleague Chris & I chatted about the merits of the various groups on the pressings.

All was OK until we totally dismissed a certain LP by a band called Freedom Fighter. We criticised the composition, vocals and musicianship as it all was crap.

We were then informed that the test pressing was by a band made up of kids suffering multiple sclerosis who were all wheelchair bound and only had a few years to live.

Sorry guys
( Vambo, Tue 17 May 2011, 22:16, 6 replies)

I feel bad..
My family were heading out for a meal in a restaurant we hadn't been to for a few years, mostly because I knew a waitress there from school and felt awkward being served by her in those days. It was my birthday - we were all in good spirits, chatting away, and I had long since forgotten any trepadition.
My dad, remembering my past dislike of visiting this place, wondered aloud if I would still know the staff.
"oh that was just Becca, she's dead now"

The sudden silence was thick and the look on my mum's face as she turned to stare at me was the same one she uses for nasty people on Crimewatch. I realised they thought I was joking, which wasn't helped by my reaction to the look on Mother's face being inappropriate knee-jerk laughter.

I tried to explain that I wasn't kidding, she'd tragically died a couple of years ago and it was my birthday they had to forgive me.. I still feel bad that for a silent moment my entire family thought I had the humour of a heartless beast though :(
(MistressButton, Tue 17 May 2011, 21:18, 8 replies)

I hadn't been working in the UK long when I yelled out across the open-plan office to a south african workmate: "Did you see us beat the Pakis on the weekend?"
things seemed to go a bit quiet, but I didn't cotton on to what was wrong until later that day, when I found myself fronting-up to a disciplinary panel.
I told them I was talking about a cricket match on the weekend, rather than some sort of adhoc racial violence, and tried to explain that the word was in common use in australia, and carried no negative connotations there, just a normal shortened aussie name. There had even been a tv ad for the cricket talking about the windies (west indies), the pakis and the poms. But each time I mentioned the word 'Paki', they gave a cringing look like I'd just flung a turd on the table in front of them. I got a written warning.
Live and learn, ay?
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 17 May 2011, 20:59, 40 replies)