Not even human
In my life I have met 2 very sad people. They have plumbed the depths of 'thinking with your trousers'.

Remember the kids TV show Stingray? They both fancied Marina.

I suppose the attraction of a woman who couldnt speak, and didnt need to breathe, was quite high.....just a shame she was a puppet...
(BourbonBiscuits, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 22:51, Reply)

Is age a crime...
Well where to start, pretty much all the schoolgirls in Hollyoaks, though all over 16 (one is 24+) its still a bit dodgy as they're still ultimately schoolgirls. Emma Watson who plays Hermione in Harry Potface is also very loveable, and is also legal....but caught my eye in the 1st Potter when she was about 12 :S ! One way ticket to Vietnam please.


Oh yeah ans Susie Dent off Countdown would get a bit of the old "plink plnk fizz bang drag drag bang bang bang" too.
(chalky_bumface Looks to me like it's Rape O'Clock!, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 22:05, Reply)

i feel dirty
Kirsty Allsopp
Vanessa Feltz
Emma "Hermione" Watson

all at once

...i'm going to hell for that....
(giroboy, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 22:00, Reply)

Not really particularly innapropriate,
but there's something about girls who play the saxaphone. Very rarely do I meet one I wouldn't like to, er, "make music" with.
(MooCow_Byter, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 21:50, Reply)

Anyone remember Bergerac?
Well, Bergerac had a slightly chubby secretary, now more famous as the Alien/Mayor of Cardiff in Dr Who: Annette Badland. I wouldn't now of course. Partly because Mrs Grimface would not be amused and partly because I'm no longer wearing the sperm-goggles I wore when I was a horny teenager in the '80s.
(grimface, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 21:30, Reply)

first post
this one just came to mind. Patrick Swayzee when I was veryvery young. Then I moved on to Tom Cruise.

Now however I'm quite partial to a bit of Gary Oldman, Rupert Grint, Brody Dalle, Mena Suvari and er Sid Vicious

(female and 18 btw)
(lei, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 21:09, Reply)

I watched a bit of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
the other night and the boy who plays Draco Malfoy is BEAUTIFUL

I feel slightly ashamed about this, he was 15/16 in that film :/

But I've just IMDB'ed him and he is now 19 - thank fuck for that!
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 20:55, Reply)

I've got a long history of getting crushes on my doctors.
Not sure if this is a cause or an effect of the various long term illnesses I've had.

My current doctor is the first one who's flirted with me though, I may finally get somewhere with one of them although I've a feeling she's taken.
( nick the greek, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 20:41, Reply)

Hugh!
I love Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. He is teh sex, immensely so!
(SusK, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 19:47, Reply)

Slightly off topic, but..
For no reason I can explain, one of my particular little turn-ons is women tucking a strand of hair behind their ear. Always gets me feeling randy.

Unfortunatley, it works for pretty much any woman, be she the girlfriend of a mate, a small child, or even cartoon character.

The number of inappropriate situations that have arisen because of that is quite astounding.
(Uncle Comrade, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 19:30, Reply)

Oh Dear
My ex sister-in-law AND my ex mother-in-law.




I am so sorry.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 18:27, Reply)

Hmmm....
Ah, there's the lovely kiwi Greer Robson who was in Shortland Street years ago, in fact she was the only reason for watching it.

I wonder how she scrubs up thirteen years on?

Oh, there's something about Victoria Stillwell (dog trainer type person). I can't help but grin when she's confronted with a leg-humping mutt.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 3 Oct 2006, 18:01, Reply)

Betty Rubble?
You sad,deluded fool......


She'll never leave Barney......
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 17:31, Reply)

The Flintstones
Betty Rubble....need I say more !!
(suntoucher, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 17:26, Reply)

As it happens...
...last Friday, a nubile student girlie told me I looked like Hugh Fearley-Whittingstall. Her mate disagreed, insisting I was more like James May. Unfortunately, I've been cultivating the Kurt Cobain look for the last couple of years (pre-shotgun facelift, of course). So, if any of you who have professed undying lust for HF-W or JM look like any of the following (no noticeable pattern - some appropriate, some inappropriate, some "WTF was I thinking?"), I'm available for mutually-satisfying meaningful overnight relationships, for a nominal charge:
Tracey Emin
Lorraine Kelly
Kelly Osbourne
Tara Palmer Tomkinson
The kinky dog woman (Victoria Wossername)
Candice and Maria from Corrie (but only as a group package)
Catherine Oxenberg
Francine Smith from American Dad
Nina Birch
(CaptainParalytic, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 17:24, Reply)

Girl opposite me at work before I quit
Married, but shagging some gut in development so she was obviously a player.

Remember being 14 and losing attention in Chemistry class? Then having to hold books over your erect member when the bell went and you had to go for the next lesson?

I was like that with her. I was 32.

I can't help it. Those lips. That smile and the voice. The sheer promise of oral satisfaction.

I need to go to the loo. Back in a bit.
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 17:11, Reply)

I am a jinx
I used to fancy the girl who played Marmalade Atkins on the kids' TV show. No worries, I was 10 at the time so it wasn't illegal.

She died about 2 years ago.

Kylie? Woof. I'd do her.

Breast cancer.

Kirsty McColl - wow, what a lady. And a mouth on her. I could imagine the lyrics to "There's a man works down the chip shop swglfglfglf fuck me big boy"

Dead.

Do not, for the love of god, let me fancy you. Ever.
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 17:08, Reply)

The ex
She was beautiful. Everything I could ever have wanted in a woman - and more. If I'd written a list of everything I wanted in a partner, she'd have ticked all the boxes, added some more, ticked then and then sucked my nob and swallowed while fingering anothr woman who never realised she was bi until that moment.

She was that good.

Utterly, utterly wonderful. The best thing that ever happened to me.

Why was it inappropriate? Well, we had differings of opinions. I wanted to spend a month in Vietnam working for a children's charity. She wanted to dump me and fuck off with a lawyer who had a big house and two posh cars.

She won. I still bear the mental scars.
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 17:05, Reply)

Best / worst?
Oh, I have several. I'll start with the English teacher at my old school. Everyone fancied the pants off her because she was (subtly put) fit as fuck. Tall, slim, beautiful, long dark hair.

She ended up hitched to one of the PE staff. Lucky bastard.

This lass always wore long, flowing black skirts. Floor length. We all knew she had fantastic legs. Well, she must have. The rest of her was astounding and enough to give any 15 year-old a suspicious bulge in the briefs. Well, it worked for me.

One day, one of the guys in my year decided to push his luck slightly. The mainhallway inthe school was polished wood flooring. As she walked past, he lay flat on his back and "scooted" along with his head under her skirt and his legs pedalling like fuck, pushing himself along at walking pace, in full view of the entire lunchtime ensemble.

If he hadn't been such a drug-addled cunt, he's have been a hero.

I still wish I'd seen her panties. It would have meant the world to a pubescent freak like me.
(Mosh Worldwide traveller and random mentalist, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 17:01, Reply)

Ming's Daughter
From the Sam Jones Flash Gordon movie....
Mmmm Camel Toe spectacular
( M o D, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 16:53, Reply)

I had a dream a couple of nights ago...

...where I'd organised an orgy.

The inappropriate part was that in the dream I wasn't having sex; I was stressing out running around trying to organise it (eg asking two girls if they could move to another room because that room had only guys in it).
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 16:52, Reply)

narnia
I used to fancy the guy that played peter in narnia (the movie, not the series)
the scene when he comes out of the river, all wet...
Im over 20 and I still have a poster of him in my room...

I`ve also fancied most of the male cast of the harry potter movies, several of my little brothers mates and when i was ten i really fancied Sean Connory...
(Norwegian20, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 16:34, Reply)

Marc B
Now.. You know how you always get a dumb-ass bully at school, and he tries to put everyone down in order to make himself look better?
That's Marc.

You know how Steroids give meatheads an un-natural bias towards violence?
That's Marc.

You know how people who excel at sport are generally rather Thick?..
yup. That's our boy.

anyway.. If you flip back through QOTW's til you get to "on the stage" you'll find outthe kind of school I went to.

Our house (boy's house with 60 or so lads) had a hairdresser who'd come on tuesday nights. We'd often get the chop, and sit chatting. Marc'd always come in his rugby gear, stinking and tryin to be big and muscly.... oh YES.. NOW I rememebr.. he used to stand infront o the mirro each morning, flex his muscles and say "that's not even TENSED" .. Sorry.... I digress.

erm... fat... stupid... Oh yes.. I remember... He'd hang around Julie the hairdressing lass and try to be smooth and cool. She always smiled politely and so on... She was geting good money.. best not piss off the punters.

Now clearly (To marc) he was a rugby player, really muscly (fat) and the head of the house. Ergo she MUST fancy him...

Clearly to Us... He was gunning for something that that his guns couldn't reach. He was 18 and a kid (as were we) and she was stunning and clearly not going to be single.

House party comes up... He decides to invite her. So... He manges to find her address in the phone book... borrows a bike (against the advice of the owner) and elects to ride the 7 miles out there to hand-deliver her invitation... He's dead sure it'll work.... after all... he plays rugby...

We're all pissing ourselves laughing.. we've all pointed out that he's going to crash and burn BADLY... but he won't listen. On asteroid-fuelled confidence boost, Marc heads off into the night to deliver the Invite.

I wasn't there, so I can't paint the picture accurately... However .. It seems her boyfriend opened the door, and he was NOT an 18 year-old kid like Marc. Julie appeared behind him... and Marc got told to bugger off, apparently with laughter ringing out behind him to hurry him home.

"Ignorange begets confidence more frequently than does knowledge". Charles Darwin...

Marc was obscenely confident.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 3 Oct 2006, 16:30, Reply)

Fern Britton
She may be a big lass, but I reckon she'd be an absolute dynamo between the sheets.
And Caroline Quentin... I even went out with a bird once who resembled her just so I could imagine I was porking her.
(LunarJim, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 16:29, Reply)

TPT
I had one of those dirty dreams about Tara Palmer Tompkinson.

It was so vivid, it felt like I'd actually done it with her. So much so that whenever she was on the telly, I got that warm feeling inside that says 'I've seen your bits'. That lasted for about three months.

I was also obsessed with Nadia Swahalla. For some reason, I found her mind-blowingly sexy for about two years. I probably still would have massive sex with her.
(redcamera, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 16:20, Reply)

You people
are messing with my mind btw. I had an inappropriate dream about Russell Brand last night. Inappropriate because he's womanising scum with all the panazz & charm of a rapist.. Wait, thats offensive to rapists. Surely I can't fancy someone who repulses me in waking life?

Cock joke? I'll leave it to RB.
(godbox 3rd best prostitute in London, after mum & sis, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 16:06, Reply)

Shrek -
No, not even that one outta Here'say. Me & the bestie went to see Shrek Two a couple of years back, & when he briefly morphs into a human [See? we're not as sick as you initially thought] we silently acknowledged, we probably would. I guess it was the rugby player build & bad Scottish accent. Maybe we were just less [okay, more - you should've seen the human waste we were dating at the time] fussy back in our youff..Clearly, with hindsight, I see this is sick & wrong, & obviously Puss In Boots [voiced by Banderas] was the clear choice.

Length? Shouldn't it be a pussy joke here?
(godbox 3rd best prostitute in London, after mum & sis, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Mel C?
Oh yeah. I had a dream about her one time, where I was feeling her up while lying in a gutter. Classy.

My latest inappropriate crush is Jose Mourinho. that voice, the lovely hair and the attitude make me go all wobbly. He's the first bloke I've ever fancied, which is a bit odd, given that I've been resolutely straight for 30odd years. Maybe I'm finally going to come out?

I think I've fancied every female boss I've ever had, except for one notable exception. Some of them were right munters as well. I've never done anything silly though. That's for a different question of the day.
(lardboy, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 15:56, Reply)

Mel C of spice girl fame
... got a lot of stick for that at uni.

Still fancy the pants off her, especially in her grown up solo career...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 15:15, Reply)