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This is a question Dad Jokes

We want to know the lame jokes your Dad makes. E.g. On your mum putting the roast on the table, "All for me? What are you going to eat?" On writing you a cheque for £350, "Three pound fifty? That's cheap." - What are the frankly rubbish gags your dad cracks again and again? WARNING: If you become a dad you'll be doing this stuff too.

(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:09)
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This question is now closed.

dad at christmas
When my brother was little Dad was harassing him to tell him what he had got him for christmas. My big bro told him he couldnt tell him what his secret tank was (tank modelling kit).

Every year he shakes his pressies, cue hilarity
Dad: Is it a secret tank?

every year
without fail

I find myself doing it too :-(
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 13:47, Reply)
My Dad's Great!
Whenever he talks to someone of the female persuasion on the phone he tells them their hair looks nice.

He also does the "Pardon me for being so rude, it was not me etc." rhyme post-belch.

To effect surprise he says "Gotten himmel mein hairy floodle flops", which I'm assuming to be some sort of Goons reference.

I love my Dad and YAY! he's coming down to visit next weekend!

Edit: I'm going to be a dad next May and I fully intend to inherit and pass on the DadJoke Tradition.

(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 13:33, Reply)
my dad
is an ex teacher so the regular
*you'll have someones eye out with that*
*stop crying or I give you something to cry for* are old favourites.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 13:26, Reply)
My Dad
Does the most stupid things....

This one has to be his favourite.

Do you want to me my man eating shark impression?

Mmmm This shark tastes really good!

Another annoying thing he does:

He has a thing where he calls any of my friends, my brothers friends and our girlfiends a random name.

My girlfriend is now called Gladys

My Brothers Girlfriend is called Mildred

MY mate mark is called Deaf dog (because I have two mates called mark, the second mate mark is called Deaf dog because that's a sound
a deaf dog makes "MARK! MARK!") It's not just that, he will say alright deaf dog Mark! Mark! hahahahaaa

My Brothers mate Jason is called Perry, because he is a bum just Perry out of Kevin and Perry and my brother 25 is just like Kevin.

The annoyance of watching a film/Documentary on an event that you were too young to see, and being told the history being the event.
e.g watching a Vietnam film: No no that's all wrong what really happened was this.......

Arrrghhhh! Will I turn out like this!?

I think someone should setup a website as a preventative measure for how not to be like your dad!


Trev (5% like his dad, and needing help!)
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 13:22, Reply)
Oh this is a good one.....(I know its not a joke)
My dad has this cardigan some random light brown (or it used to be) hes had it ever since i can remember.

When I was young my mum went outside and put it in the bin and then chatted with her friend. He came out, went into the bin, put it back on and wandered back into the house. They just thought 'what the fcuk.....

Hes still got it, he wears it during dinner, when he has to move stuff from the kitchen to the dinner table, he puts a bottle of red sauce in one pocket and brown sauce in the other and walks around with kitchen utensils in the pockets.

Its been washed about once. It has holes in the underarms, apparently its to let the smell out.

He was going to give it to my brother on his 21st but decided he couldn't part with it.

Hes great!
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 13:01, Reply)
takes deep breath...
You "Catch it!"
Dad "I'll kill that bloody cat"

Any remark even vaguely double entendre followed by interjection "Said the bishop to the actress" e.g. gf says "You'll never get all that in there" Cue dad...

The eternal deafness gag

"Ask don't get, don't ask, don't want"

On hearing unfamiliar celebrity name "Who's he play for?" or variation on the theme:

You "have you heard of Ben Zephaniah?"
Dad "Didn't he play right back for Borrussia Munchengladbach in 1956?"

And endless rude alternatives to common nursery rhymes (v funny)

And yes, I now use all of these as often as possible in my current dad capacity.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 13:00, Reply)
My Dad still trys to impress me by doing really lame magic tricks
like pretending he can remove the top of his thumb, slide it down the length of his hand and fix it back on again.

He also sometimes talks to me in the third person....."Would Natalie like a biscuit?" "No, Natalie would rather have a vodka and tonic please."

I think he gets me and my 2 year old neice mixed up. Maybe he takes her down the pub, I dunno....
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 12:55, Reply)
my stepdad has no idea
The main problem with my step dad is not just his really bad jokes, but the fact he uses them again and again and again laughing manically each time he does for instance trying to order soup in a basket in every place that sells food I’ve ever been in with him (including once in MC Donalds) or stopping and shouting look at them there on the fiddle at every violinist ever! Also he on seeing a man in a cast in a pub in a cast he jokingly told him that it was a waste of tax payers money and they should jus cut it off “they are tomorrow” the man replied though his teeth DOH.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 12:39, Reply)
oh yeh... another one (i'll be remembering these all day)
if he wanted to threaten you, he'd always say:
'be careful, or dire prognostications will befall you!'
I think he wanted to be Atticus Finch
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 12:39, Reply)
i'm scared of becoming my dad
ever since... ever, he's said these two things.

At dinner:
Me: Please may I leave the table? (Which we have to say, or he gets pissed off about not being able to use his joke)
Dad: And where are you going to leave it? (Followed by uproarious laughter, without fail)

When watching a movie:
He'll always walk in halfway through, and we can be watching indiana jones, the goonies or any other such christmastime fayre. Anyway, no matter what it is, he'll insist that it's a true story. Funny when we were five. we should never hae humoured him for the next sixteen years.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 12:29, Reply)
Bloody excellent thread!!
My old man died when I was 17 (24 years ago!!), & reading through this lot has just reminded me how much I miss the silly old fool.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 12:24, Reply)
dads using mobiles
They just don't have a clue! Every time my dad leaves me a voice mail it starts with "Andrew are you there(obviously not or i would have answered), its your dad (like i don't know his voice after 22 years of nagging and moaning)" After he's finished waffling on for 10 minutes about how the relatives are,how the garden is looking and what the dog is doing at that moment; there is then a period of muffled button bashing, shouting to my mother "how do you turn this bloody thing off" and frustrated swearing. And this is from a man who has designed and set up his own business on the web ??????????????
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 12:10, Reply)
dad jokes
my guv'nor would deliberately lose me in Milton Keynes shopping centre.
a) to test whether I could remember my address
b) to see if I was brave enough to ask a copper for help
c) to have a fcukin good laugh at me

he would disappear in a big shop like marks and wait for me to start really shitting it and find a policeman to tell that i was lost.
After a lost child announcement had been put out over the tannoy he would appear with a stupid grin on his face and then take me for a McDonalds
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 12:09, Reply)
My dads coming up to drop christmas pressents off tomorrow.
Havent seen him for a year, last time i spoke to him (summer) ended up my mum putting the phone down afetr an argument and me beeing angry at him for the first time in my life.

Ill spill if he says anything remotly interesting. The first thing he said to me and my sister when he came up to drop stuff off last year was, "well, i see your mums feeding you"....nice
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 11:59, Reply)
My Dad
once quipped "Get out you little fucker and never darken my door again"
I hadn't even touched the door
I was sleeping with his new girlfriend though
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 11:54, Reply)
My dad has rescently resorted to dancing about and shouting random resent fad expressions, such as ali g's AIIIII!

Also he has such wondrous dadstyled jokes as announcing the inevitable bowel shift. Gross indeed.

Theres many others, but none so amusing as his insistant usage of quotes from his last wedding speech as best man. hmm
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 11:32, Reply)
He is grand.

Granddad will enter the room and delight us with limericks, such as

There was a young man from kent,
And round the bend he went,
He lost all his teeth,
whilst penelope keith,
Was putting up a red tent.

And then he says when it's raining:

It was a dark and stormy night, and the rain came down in torrents, and the captain said to his crew: "I'll tell you a tale!"

And the tale it ran as follows...

It was a dark and stormy... etc.

what's worrying is i've already started turning into my grandad
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 11:29, Reply)
Just one for now
Whenever I wanted to get past or leave the table (or something similar) I would politely say "excuse me"
To which he would reply "why? what you done?"

(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 11:21, Reply)
First post!
My dad's fave is to introduce mum as his 'first wife'. He has been been married once, to my mum, for the last 28 years.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 11:13, Reply)
Dad Jokessss
My Dad (rest his soul) used to have loads and loads of crap jokes and practical jokes....

1. When I used to bring a new girlfriend home, he would answer the door Wearing a peaked cap and a longblack wig, and talk with a jamaican accent.
2. He insisted on telling a joke to my friends about a Muslim woman who got a job as a cinema projectionist, because of her outlook on life.
3. He used to pick me up from school discos in his 'tip car' (a Renault 4 rust-bucket) wearing his pajamas and slippers, and insists on driving at 25 mph.

I really miss him.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 10:49, Reply)

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