Dancing dad
Not so much a bad dad joke - it was more of an action. This only happened when friends were around and Top of the Pops was on telly. 'oooh, I like this one' he would say, whilst making little train arm movements and shuffling, arse-first across the room.
(ell, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:43, Reply)

It's dad 'threats' that get me....
You say "Do I have to put the bins out?"
He says "I'll put YOU out in a minute!"

This kind of makes sense, but it doesn't just stop there.

There are out right abuse threats...
You say "I'm going to a club tonight"
He says "I'll club YOU in a minute!"

Then there's the deeply worring...
You say "Can you pass me the butter?"
He Says "I'll butter YOU in a minute!"

And finally the plain nonsensical...
You say "I'm tired, I'm off to bed"
He says "I'll tired YOU in a minute!" ?!?

It's like he heard a similar threat once and rather than just using it verbatum, he decided to break it down and replicate it's use of the verb in the hope of ensuing hilarity.

pillock
( Nath, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:39, Reply)

like most of these
this one seems to involve the dinner table in some way...
whenever anyone asks my dad to pass the pepper or salt, my dad will move as though to pass it to them, then continue his arm in a circle, returning the aforementioned condiment to its original resting place. Do you see what he does there? he passes the condiment past us.
My how we laugh, as we crack open his skull and feast on the spicy, crispy brains.
I'm 27 now, and he's 56, but it still comes out every sodding time.
( atomboy, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:26, Reply)

Dad Humour
Whenever I asked where my Mum or my sister was, my Dad would start looking in cupboards and in the breadbin. At the time it was annoying but as I have grown older I have started doing it as well. I think its very funny and I thank my father for giving me such a good grounding in being a dad.
(michaelrowtheboatashore, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:26, Reply)

My old man..
used to fart and say "Speak up Mr Brown, you're through"



No our name isn't Brown.
( Hankster, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:24, Reply)

My dad used to
get up to all sort of wacky japes when he ran a butchers shop, highlights included dropping pigs eyeballs in co-workers tea, pulling his hand up his sleeve whilst holding onto a pigs trotter to make it appear he had a trotter for a hand and my favourite, attaching two chickens feet to his shoulder.
( bovine I'm so old, even my old is old, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:20, Reply)

Whenever anyone has an accident around me dad
He tells them to "go careful". Its a little bit past tense by then though. Fuckwit.
( Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:15, Reply)

It's all coming back to me now
My dad used to take great pleasure in being embarrassing in front of my friends. His main tactic was to fart in front of them (even the girls) constantly. To be fair, farting dads are pretty funny, but every fart would always be followed by one of:
"Better out than in"
"Phew - I'm glad I'm down-wind of that one"
or the classic
"Shit, I think I've had a slippage"
( expf, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:10, Reply)

I used to have a Saturday job in the men's department of M&S
My Dad would come in and ask the nearest sales assistant: "Hello! Have you seen my daughter? She works in men's pants".
( butchbint, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:07, Reply)

"Winter Draws On"
I make my kids suffer with this crap joke from July 1 onwards followed by "Winter Draws Off" for the other half of the year. My father and grandfather made me suffer endlessly with it so I don't see why my kids should miss out. I also enjoy torturing small fluffy animals in my spare time. P.S. The exquisite pun on draws/drawers probably means nothing to Americans but that's because they are all pants.
(DickTheBox, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:04, Reply)

God bless him,
Whenever my dad is at dinner and there's a large group of people he will always raise his glass, shout "The Queen! and pretend to pour the drink in his ear.
( bovine I'm so old, even my old is old, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:03, Reply)

The joke goes as follows:
"Did you hear that Sir Patrick Moore is renaming the planet Uranus as Urine-us. They're going to call the orbiting moon Bum-Holy".

He laughed quite literally for DAYS, and even now just has to repeat bits of it (which he does regularly) to collapse in hysterics again. I still don't understand why that is funny (except on a completely lavatorial level. Bum. **snigger**)
(Vernie, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:00, Reply)

Ahhhhh Dad Jokes!
Now I am a Dad I wil have to practice them. My Dad has many, his standard reply to "I'm cold/hungry/tired/dying" was "I'm Jim, nice to meet you". Another favourite was whenever anyone mentioned a chest of drawers he would point to his nipples and then pull down his trousers (chest, off drawers - geddit?). Oh and whenever I took a young lady home he would come in and anounce that he was going to tell us about the birds and the bees then go on to say "the birds go flap, flap, flap and the bees go bzzzzzzz" followed by copious amounts of laughter, I didn't get laid till I was 27. It's no wonder I turned out the way I did really.
( sick_boy, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:58, Reply)

On my dad's 50th birthday
he took us to a greek restaurant. The waiter handed him the menu, and he said. "Can you recommend something. This menu's all greek to me".

The waiter must have heard that joke several million times, and I think it was only by chance that this was the penultimate straw, not the one that broke the camel's back - I think the next person that cracked that joke would have been leaving via the back door in separate bin bags..
( expf, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:57, Reply)

My Dad's worst ever joke...
...is one which he repeats to visitors when my Mum asks whether they'd like tea or coffee. He always says "or you can have a mixture - toffee!"

I never found this anything other than cringeworthy, and I think some regular visitors have started to feel the same.

Also when I was a kid, he used to do the "Pull my finger" thing when he farted. I did think this was humorous the first couple of times though.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:52, Reply)

My dad has loads of em!!!!
The worst period had to be when he went into hospital and someone bought him a "1001 Jokes" book. He kept sending me and my g/f jokes on text for a week... it wasn't funny. He once told me the guy who cheated on millionaire had died due to stress "ITV were going to pay for the funeral but not the coffin" *groan*

Although (speaking of periods) the most embarrasing joke he told in front of me and friends might amuse you:

Q: What do you get if you put your hand up Mystic Meg's skirt?

A: Your palm read once a month. *tish*
(garfi3ld, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:50, Reply)

My dad would always do that thing
where he pretended to chop my nose off with his fingers. My nose was then poking out of his clenched fist i.e his thumb, and he then proceeded to move the "nose" from one hand to the next. Finally it would be replaced and much laughter was to be had.....
:(
( Scary Mary The D'oh Fairy, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:42, Reply)

After talking on the phone for 20 minutes...
... hangs up and says 'wrong number' while shaking head. EVERY TIME!
(shteven, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:20, Reply)

Dads?
Jokes? I think not. Apart from when opening birthday presents or christmas presents he goes "guess what it is, its a cricket bat". yeah like i cant tell the difference between a CD and a frikin cricket bat when i see one!
And to the Mods: I will NEVER be doing this stuff when i am a dad, ever. Simply impossible.
(masterbassist, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:15, Reply)

Seeing as impending Daddom is going to happen in the next four weeks...
My old man, said be a Cambridge fan.. actually he didn't, but he does have the worst repartee in jokes, which he tells at very inappropiate times, a fine selection is as follows:

A horse walks into a bar, barmen says: "Whats with the long face?". GROAN!

-Or-
How does a lady hold her liquor?
By the ears.

Gripes
(thegripesofwrath, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:05, Reply)

When I was kid, I would ask if I could watch the tv
and he always said: "Yes, but don't turn it on"
Also, he used to tell me about the glove who took thalidomide(spelling) and gave birth to mittens. I had no idea what giving birth meant yet.
(Fragger, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:00, Reply)

An example of my dad's wit:
Mum: Oi! Did you eat that whole can of peaches?
Dad: No, only what was inside of it!
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 7:54, Reply)

What do you mean, doing this stuff later?
I'm already a repository of bollocksy, repetitive-catchphrase Dad style jokes - and I was long before parent/step-parenthood. It's as shite as my photoshopping. Believe it.

When anyone in my family (workplace or vicinity) expresses a dislike for a famous person they've never met, I usually reply with a slightly disappointed and reproving tone "Oh, he speaks well of you", regardless of how famous said person is and what the improbability is that I'd move in their circles. In fact, the more improbable the better the effect. Well, that's the theory, anyway. There's a serious point about the nature of celebrity in there somewhere, but it got lost in the mists of time at some point in the late 20th century.

At work, one particularly sharp colleague has got to the point where she either avoids expressing a dislike in my presence, or follows it up with a tired-sounding "Yes, I'm sure Meg White speaks well of me" before I can blurt out my stock reply. Bless.

Changing conversational culture one crap joke at a time. That's me.
( sp3ccylad carries on breathing all the way up to, say, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 7:53, Reply)

not so funny, but my father thought so.
When my grandfather passed away, my father told me by saying: "all those with grandfathers put up your hand." then pointing at me "Not so fast you!"
(Luxarama, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 7:34, Reply)

Once I had a friend over for dinner,
and we were eating pizza. My friend remarked on how random pizza was, and how nobody in their right mind would randomly make dough into a circle, then put sauce, cheese, and sliced sausage on it.
To which my dad, just passing through the dining room, replied:
"I know, those damn Italians."
Which I found funny, but I don't think my friend did.
(Digitdean: Disappointing Fans Since 1989!, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 7:02, Reply)

my dad generally has a tolerable sense of humour
sometimes he is even funny.

My grandfather, on the other hand...

"Did you hear about the dog who went into town?......He was looking for the man who shot his paw!"

Now repeat. Every time he sees you. For years.
( gracielou, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 7:01, Reply)

...
After a meal:

Good thing we ate when we did, because I'm not a bit hungry now!
(pukearrhea, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 6:27, Reply)

It's a bastard
When engaged in a tough job on his old car, my father would always look up and say "dear mother, it's a bastard", then give the reply "dear son, so are you".
(bluecheese, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 6:21, Reply)

Lame Dad Jokes
My father had many extremely lame jokes. Whilst sitting in the den, father would pass the gas and state "I heard a buck snort"...or he would turn to me and say "Iam...what the hell was that!?" Good ol' dad. He also tended to talk about his bowels often in a humerous manner.
(Iamsiam, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 6:18, Reply)

My Dad
always likes to point out something I hate and make a production out of calling it "my favorite". A lot of things like "Look, your favorite, Lima Beans!" or "Look, your favorite, Britney Spears!" He, of course, thinks this is sarcastic and funny instead of annoying and embarrassing. Now when anyone uses the term "your favorite", I immediately expect the worst. It's a pain in the ass when someone presents you with something you really enjoy and your knee-jerk response is resentment and disinterest.
( WhiteDevil has finally put in a siggy., Wed 10 Dec 2003, 6:09, Reply)