Metal bed electricity antics
So here I was, seven years old and in love with taking EVERYTHING apart. I decide it'd be a great idea to try a wiring job... so I find my radio, strip out the power cable with my little screw driver set, take the back off the plug (don't ask me why!) and shove it in the wall socket. Cue 220v running up my arm and earthing through my arse when I touched the live pin as I tried to unplug it...

You'd think that'd stop me, but nooooo... I had to go one better... That stripped wire? After I managed to turn off the socket switch, I pulled off the insulation and wired one end to one hole on my metal bedstead and the other wire to the other hole... on the same metal bedstead.

When I switched on the power, I blew 3 fuses in our house and shorted out our entire building! Oh, and electrocuted myself again!!
(Geekoid I am Meat. Lick me., Sat 22 Dec 2007, 16:33, 1 reply)

My First Car
was a B-Reg Ford Sierra. Oh yeah! Actually it was good fun - 1.6 and rear-wheel drive. Great!

Anyway, obviously there was no central locking on it and I had discovered that you could lock the driver's door by pushing down the lock and holding the door handle up as you closed the door. Great! No need for lazy and slightly forgetfull me to remember to lock the door with a key.

So over several weeks I had got into a bit of a habit. Get out, push lock, hold handle, close door, walk away. No messing around with keys. I was happy and all was well.

Until one afternoon when I was driving away from college. I noticed someone had stuck a flyer under my wipers. I reasoned that I should probably stop and retrieve this item before it blew away. I stopped the car, got out with the engine still running, closed the door and walked around the front to get the flyer.

It was as I was walking back around the car that I got . . . that certain feeling. You know the one I mean. The sudden tightness in the chest and the cold sweats that are the body's way of saying "you've just screwed up BIG TIME!"

Naturally, I had locked the door when I got out. The habit had been so deeply ingrained by now that I hadn't even realised I was doing it. So there I was, standing at the side of the road with a locked car with its engine running. And as this was pre-mobile phone I had to walk the half-mile back to college to phone for the breakdown people, all the time wondering if my car would be there when I got back.

But that's not the end of this tale. Oh no. You see ladies and gents, this wasn't the first time I had done this. This was the second. Yep, the second time I had locked my car with the keys on the inside and with the engine running.

My parents must have been so proud.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 16:23, 1 reply)

I hit myself in the face with a hammer once by accident.

I broke my nose.

I cried for about 10 minutes... and then laughed for ages at my own stupidity.
( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 14:53, Reply)

Errr..
I bought an ipod.
( Cae1, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 14:18, 2 replies)

i am a stupid
just off the top of my head, being given a seatie on a bike, realising seconds before reaching the main road no one can reach the brakes, panicking and falling off sideways to avoid certain death.
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 14:03, 1 reply)

Pro bono?
A couple of years ago, I was teaching the odd hour here and there in a university near where I lived at the time while I looked for a proper lecturing job. My contract period ended, but I was kept on.

One day, I was photocopying something when A, the Head of Department, saw me. "Oh, Enzyme," he said, "we're going to have to renew your contract so you get paid, aren't we?"
My hands and brain being full at the time, I said something like, "Oh, don't worry about it."

I meant this to mean: "I am busy at the moment, but come and find me later if there's anything you need me to do."
A took it to mean: "Ah, Enzyme is willing to work for free."

A didn't come to find me, so I assumed that there was nothing I had to do, and thought nothing more of it. Which resulted in me working for free, and without a contract, for the best part of a year.

That's dumb. On the other hand, I was earning so little - less than £3k p/a - that even when I was paid, once NI and pension contributions had been deducted, I didn't actually notice the lack of deposits in my account. Grrr. That's quite dumb, as well.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 12:22, 1 reply)

pub tales
I was at the bar a while back and I overheard two people talking. One of them had a plaster on his ear.

man one: fuck what happened to your ear?

ear plaster man: oh this I was drunk last night and i manged to trap my ear in the door of a taxi

man one: how the fuck did you do that?

e.p.: dunno, i was pissed at the time


Hull is ace.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 11:47, Reply)

Stupidy + Girlfriend = Whoops
Sort of a 3-part uber stupidity week really:

Part 1:
I invited my (still current) gf to a bar crawl some friends of mine were having at uni. However, I immediately realised I wasn't sure if it was really appropriate for her to be there. Cue a week wracked with guilt as Friday night approaches until...

Part 2:
She checks one final time what is going on that night (I had omitted to tell her hoping she would forget) and I have a huge pause (easily big enough to swallow a polar bear whole regardless of the size of his feet) while going "erm, well you see....ah....the....erm. Well...". She, being the perceptive person she is, immediately clocked on and asked "You do still want me to come?"...

Part 3:
Yes, that is right. When she asked the above question I said "Erm. Well, sort of yes and not really".

Her - "Well what do you mean by that? It sounds like you don't want me to come?"

Me - "That would be about the size of it yes."


I'm still not sure who is more stupid - me for doing all of that or her for not getting shot of me while she still had a legitimate excuse. Fortunately for me she didn't. Worst thing was, a lot of people at the bar crawl were asking where she was.

*Edit: a couple of people have since asked why it wasn't appropriate for her to be. Unfortunately there is no actual answer to this as there it was entirely appropriate for her to be there. Not my brightest week :-S*
(McMosha is clockwatching at, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 10:36, 3 replies)

Cool
You work for Mencer you must be REAL clever.
(obesevegan wont pay for b3ta credit crunch etc excuse, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 10:10, 5 replies)

The most expensive alarm clock...
...BITD, my new girlfriend (now wife, romance fans!) had just moved in to my batchelor pad. I'd gone to work early, and she couldn't find an alarm clock to get another 30 minute's sleep.

I get a phonecall. "I think I might have broken something". Turns out that if you can't find a clock, simply set the empty microwave to cook on full for 30 minutes.

It goes "paff" after about 2, apparently.

It's genetic. One day I'll list the things my father in law has inadvertently destroyed...
(Mousy Tongue ...Generally bemused by life..., Sat 22 Dec 2007, 10:07, 1 reply)

Belfast 93
Uni in Belfast. Me and 3 mates drive into town in my old Kadett, for an evening at the Pub. One is voted to be the driver, and is therefore forced to remain sober. Over the course of the evening the rest of us get completely drunk. And we meet a lot of our fellow stundents, some of them with no idea how to get back home. So we decide (against the advice of the driver) to take another 4 people with us, totalling 8 people in an Opel Kadett. It takes us no more than 60 seconds to run into the next Police road block. Now imagine 8 people in a small German car (i.e. driver on the left side), a police officer asking the 2 drunk persons on the "drivers" seat for their driving licence, then noticing where to really look for the driver and advise him "to bring them all home safely, and better not have that many people in the car in future". We were extremely lucky that they were not looking for traffic offenders, but rather for IRA terrorists, otherwise some of us might have walked the rest of 5 miles to the dormitory.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Sat 22 Dec 2007, 10:06, Reply)

Today I....
I beat the black dude at chin ups after zapping a fly and shooting some dude in a weird Halo type outfit. Then in a I clicked the fart button believing it to actually be a flash movie and expecting some sort of anal rasp but received only an XBOX 360 for "free".
(obesevegan wont pay for b3ta credit crunch etc excuse, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 10:02, 5 replies)

This is happening to me, right now
I attended a gig this evening (Reuben's christmas show at the Westy in Aldershot for anyone interested), and was invited back to a friend's house afterwards for drinks and general merriment. Stopping in at home inbetween the two, I told my father (I'm only 20, and still live with my parents, alas) that I'd be going and staying out, returning tomorrow morning in time to have a shower and get ready for work at 11am.

After drinks took a backseat to retrieving and reconstructing an old MSN log (referred to in my QOTW post "The Death of Dave" last week - link on the way soon for those who requested it!) I opted to drive home about 3am instead of crashing there for the night.

I arrived home about 3:15 to find that my father had put the security chain on the front door. I'm currently sat in the car outside my house accessing our wireless network, with 13 minutes battery time remaining on my laptop. Last time I checked it was -2 degrees (C, not F, for any yanks) outside. I've tried banging on the door, shouting through the letterbox and phoning the house. They seem stubborn in their slumber. Balls.

That's pretty stupid, right? My own damn fault. I'd drive back to my friend's house if I had enough petrol.... I've got work in 6 hours for a rather reputable store which doesn't sound dissimilar to Sparks and Mencer, I can't imagine they're going to like me turning up for an 11 hour shift on the Saturday before Christmas after no sleep. Damn, damn, damn.

*shivers*
(Mr. In-Between has regretted posting this ever since, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 5:00, 6 replies)

two things
1: mistook some yellow cheese for the yellow soap and washed my hands with cheese; this doesn't work well.

2: Parked at the local shop got out of my car, a red astra, bought stuff in the shop come out and got in to a red astra. which on closer inspection of the interior turned out not to be mine. I then had to attempt to escape from the car with out the owner noticing me.
just as a note i live in rural cornwall and no-one locks their cars here cos if someone nicks it you probably know them so you can go and get it back.
(gobbledegook blurs the line between lurking and stalking, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 4:19, Reply)

Renault Espace
My mum owned an espace, and as I wasn't one of the brightest kids ever, I opted to close th boot from the inside.

Which involves two levers on some kind of hydraulic system.

I pulled this down and closed the boot... only to later realise that I had trapped my hand inbetween a large metal rod and the boot door... It fucking hurt.

and as my mum was in her office she couldn't come out straight away, I was sat in this car, my bones crushed and crying in pain.

When she finally came back she opened the boot and had a look at the rather large indent that was left in my hand for the best part of three months.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 4:06, Reply)

When I was about 18 or so...
I sliced my bloody hand open.

The culprits? A glass window and my stupidity.

I hadn't opened the window in my room in a long time, so naturally it was a bit stuck. Trying to open it with just one hand won't do. I need some leverage.

So I opt to pick the static pane of glass for leverage, bracing my left hand against it (to apply friction and all that) as I use my right hand to push the window open to the left.


I hear sounds of stressing glass about a quarter second before my left hand goes through the window. I haven't pushed the window out, oh no. I've pushed a 10-15cm boundary out of the window, making the sharp edges slice against my palm, wrist and the back of my hand.

Thankfully my wrist wasn't sliced open. I had a myriad of minor cuts all over my palm, wrist and back of my hand. And then I noticed the Big One: a 3cm long gash on the meaty section of the palm, right below the thumb. I look at this for a moment, then realize that it's bleeding quite profusely, since the wound is so deep. Not spurting, like an arterial wound, but blood's coming out pretty damned fast.

What would any 18 year old do in this situation? That's right, I shriek like a little girl and run to my mother, crying hysterically whilst holding my bloody hand. She sees it and curses, pushes me into the bathroom and holds my hand underneath the tap, squeezing it and applying pressure. I can feel the little "grains" of glass popping out, ugh. Then she wraps my hand in some gauze and tape and sends me off.

Bloody thankful that I didn't have to get stitches or go to casualty...

At least I can look upon my life now (I'm 22 since Dec 14) and nod, knowing that I haven't done anything as stupid as that since then.

But hey, I've got time to make up for.
(Magus Zeal reloading since, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 3:48, Reply)

One of those car doors...

Prologue
We had one of those cars where you can hit the lock on the car door and then close it, leaving the door locked and you outside or inside, a matter of preference.

In this particular case, I was riding with my dad, who's been in a wheelchair since about twenty years or so before my birth.

The story
So, we had just gotten to my grandmothers place in our lovable old BMW.
I get out of the car, flip the switch and close the door.
Dad gets out into his wheelchair, closes the door and locks.
Then I start screaming.
My. fucking. finger. in. door. ow. Oww. OW!
I got my finger out, but that takes TIME when you have your finger in a door, even more time when dad has a wheelchair to jump over from first. EVEN more so when you've had time to LOCK THE DARNED DOOR FIRST. *whimper*

Then we went into grandmas´, and this being about ten years ago, I can't clearly remember but I would presume I was in tears until I got cookies. mmm. cookies.

Epilogue
Nail later went blue and fell off whilst in the bath.

End.
(Linusmartensson, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 2:34, 1 reply)

The slicer
Whilst out shopping picked up one of these:

www.vslicer.co.uk/

for not very much money at all, thought since I was a crap cook this would somehow make me better.

As soon as I got it home, I did what any red blooded man would do and tore open the box, binned the instructions and set about slicing up my vegetables with it.

Set up a 3mm depth template, grabbed a pepper and started passing it over the blade.

Amazing.... I thought... I was already producing sliced pepper rings like in the pictures on the front of the box!

Unfortunately, I was holding the pepper with my bare hand, I'd thrown the safety guard away.

You can see where this is going can't you....

Yes, nice 3mm deep slices of my thumb before I had realised what had happened.

With blood pissing everywhere, I remembered the words of my mother and stuck (what was left of) the top of my thumb under a stream of cold running water.

The motion of the water continually ran the blood away from the wound allowing me to stare with fascination at what was left of the top of my thumb, in its bloodless state. I could virtually see inside it.

Anyway, wrapped up the thumb in some gauze, went to A+E only to be treated by an old school nurse who promptly stuck it in a beaker of peroxide, much to my amusement.

Hurt like hell but the subsequent oxidising reaction stopped the bleeding rather rapidly, was dead impressed.



Length?..
Why, much shorter than when it started!
(lochii, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 2:30, 1 reply)

Floppy Brain
I was a slacker in 7th grade, and one day I had typed up my half-assed homework and stuck it on a floppy. I brought it to one of the class computers to print it out, the teacher complaining every step of the way, and stuck the floppy in the computer.

Only it wasn't the floppy drive my poor disk went into.

It was the ZIP disk drive! (remember those?)

Cue the teacher, angrier than a cat in a swimming pool, desperately tugging on the disk, trying to get it out to no avail. Needless to say, I didn't get credit...

It was stuck in there for the rest of the year, and I bet it's still stuck today.
(SpiffyBalak, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 1:39, 1 reply)

Lamp
Oooh, a recent update from this evening too. Dad's been at a work party this evening, and thus celebrating his little heart out. Home, rather full of beer and watching TV and reading the newspaper.

But it's a bit dark for that. So he picks up the halogen lamp and brings it closer. And hits himself on the forehead with the bulb. Out of shock, drops the lamp, which breaks on the floor.

He's got a rather nasty burn the size and shape of a 2pm coin right now. It's going to look hilarious tomorrow once it's settled down a bit.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 1:01, Reply)

Infinite Supply
This one goes to my mother. She once asked my sister and I about why scientists hadn't invented dehydrated water, and wouldn't it be a good idea? Just add water, and it makes more water!

Thankfully, she did realise the dumbness... once we stopped laughing.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 0:54, Reply)

Dumbass nurses
Let's see, I have performed the following stupid nurse's tricks:

* drank an entire pot of caffeinated coffee while studying and spent the afternoon on the toilet groaning and squirting instead of studying. I learned the meaning of pebbledash that day.

*the next weekend decided to be 'one of the cool kids' while studying and attempted to light a cigarette (I have never smoked) off the gas stove. You know, just like all the cool kids do. POOF Burned all my bangs off plus singed my eyebrows.

*chopped chiles for chili con carne and then went to work. Rubbed my eye during report and screamed bloody murder, scaring the bejebus out of the patients.

*not recognized a patient when she took her wig off and demanded to know what she had done with Mrs. Robinson!?!

*when preparing my first deceased patient for the morgue, noticed my friend's hand reaching under the curtain to seize my ankle and stomped on his hand, thereby dislocating his pinkie.

* called into work and when my friend answered the phone I felt the need to tell her I'd be late because I was having fantastico sex with my new hot hunky boyfriend, the Englishman. In detail. In great detail. I was on the speakerphone.

*accidently broke my dead patient's wrist while trying to wrestle her into the outfit in which the family wanted her taken to the funeral home.

*again, while dressing a dead patient, put her Capri pants on backwards. No one noticed.

*slipped and fell into the hydrotub when attempting to bathe a patient. Proved Archimedes' Principle of Displacement. She thought it wildly funny when left in an almost-empty tub.

*leaned across a quadriplegic patient to fluff pillows and almost suffocated the poor guy with my own "pillows". He said, "What a way to go!"

*managed to destroy 2 additional patients' narcotics when discontinuing my own dead patient's meds. Didn't look at the names on the blisterpaks. I am now banned from that Alzheimer's care home. Not because I made a med error, but because I shrieked "For Fuck's sake!" when the director chided me.

*ripped open my own scrub top catching it on a metal projection on the bed, letting my tits fall out. Thank goodness I was wearing a nice bra.

*got caught by the patient looking down the scrub top of my really good-looking male student and being aroused by admiring his perfect chest. Yum.

*bobbled a (thankfully clean) needle and had it land straight up, quivering, in my foot. Do not wear suede Birkenstocks to work, no matter how cool they look.

*asked a patient I ran into on the street how her baby was. "Oh, uh, he died." was the reply. Kill me now...

*grabbed my friend the doc's bottom and honked him only.... It wasn't my good friend, it was a new doc; one of the most handsome men I'd ever seen. For some reason he avoided me the rest of his rotation. Sigh.

*tripped over the cord and unplugged the iron lung. Yes, I am that old.

*fainted in the midst of a delivery. Twice. One time I had just enough time to slam-dunk the 45 second old infant in his crib before I hit the floor. He was ok; the tensile strength of infants is very high.

Last but not least,

*three days ago, a colleague was playing with a SIX AND A HALF INCH LONG remote control tarantula and made it crawl towards me: www.amazon.com/Discovery-Exclusive-Radio-Control-Tarantula/dp/B000JM4S8Y
I saw it, leapt backwards and screamed "Fucksox!" at the top of my lungs. I am one of the Clinical Instructors of Nursing. Classy.

Apologies for thick, meaty length. licks corner of mouth
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 0:52, 6 replies)

When I was a nipper...
there was a little stream near our house. It was filty, full of the usual rubbish, shopping trolleys, bikes, plastic bags etc. There was also a family of ducks that for some reason decided they liked living surrounded by all this shite.
As kids do, rather than appreciate the wonder of nature in the midst of our urban hell, we liked to annoy the ducks. One day I was passing the duck's usual hangout and decided to have some fun by throwing pebbles at them. Nothing too big mind. I didn't want to kill them, just get them flapping about a bit would be fun. I spotted a stone of the perfect size, about the size of a conker, and picked it up. I was surprised when it squashed between my thumb and forefinger. Strange smell too. Fucking horrible smell actually. So bad it made me gag, then puke when I realised what it was.
DOG SHIT!!!!
I haven't bothered any kind of fauna since.
(kendo saggy knackers, Sat 22 Dec 2007, 0:50, Reply)

Mate
.
Came into the pub with a black eye, a split lip and other marks of sundry violence.

"Fucking hell Bruce - what happened to you?" I asked

"I was talking when I should have been listening."



Still one of my all-time favorite comebacks. It just works.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 23:59, 1 reply)

My friend let me know earlier...
That I've been paying his phone bill for the last year.

And mine.

I hadn't noticed.

I'm pretty stupid sometimes.
( The Glum Reaper cannot solve your problem because he has no jam, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 23:43, Reply)

My beautiful eye!
Once upon a time, I decided to try not being specky for a while. The contact lenses had to be cleaned nightly in a chemical solution which required neutralising before I could pop them in; you can see where this is going, can't you?
One fine sunny morning, I was busy abluting- teeth? Check. Shave? Check. Contact lens?
OW, BLOODYFUCKINGHELL, IT'S BURNING MY EYE!
Guess who forgot to pop in Mr Happy neutralising tablet, whose eye was excruciatingly painful and completely bloodshot?
Guess who stopped wearing contacts thereafter?
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 23:08, 1 reply)

"Electricity Shocks Shocker"
Back in the mid 90"s was a proud club head. Of course maintaining this took a fair but of pill popping and pairs of westwood Tartan trousers. One Saturday possibly my 19th B'day on the back of a three night handbag house session I woke at noon and realized I should do some laundry to impress all the fluffy Bikini'd "club Babes" that would be waiting at whatever provincial house club we were spending 5 hours driving to that night. For some reason though The washing machine refused to work... I was sleepy and very pill foggy from the night before but remebered something about changing a fuse... so I dismantled the plug. I did'nt actually know what a fuse was, so just popped out the round thing labelled "fuse". At which point I realised I couldnt put the together. No matter I thought I'll just stik it back in with no back. The top one went in no bother. The botton two prongs needed a push so on went both thumbs. I cant remeber the next few seconds but as the room swam away from me, and a deafening wooosh tore through my brain I can remeber seeing the switch set clearly to ON. God know how long this went on for. As soon as I flicked back to conciousness I realize "Fuck I'm being shocked here best let go". Fuck only know how long I was part of the national grid but it felt aces! I then spent five hours driving to Sheffield to watch Judge Jules bang out a godawful awful set of cheezy house, which was infact the dumbest thing I have ever done!
Length? At least 13amps
(MC2000ftjesus Isn't an MC 2000ft or jesus, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 22:44, Reply)

Pierce!
I once pierced my eyebrow with a sewing needle. I came in after a few drinks, got a pair of pliers, and pushed the needle in. I didn't have an earring so left the needle in. I used the pliers to snap the ends of the needle off (to stop it sticking into my face).
The next morning, the needle had rusted fast against my innards, and I couldn't remove it. No matter how hard I yanked, it was there to stay. It swelled up, and two days following, I had to have it removed in hospital.
The doctor said it was a stupid thing to do. I was 21!
(Nibi, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 22:15, Reply)

Works do
Last night. Works Christmas party. Memory goes blank at 7pm after drinking since 12. Numerous things I've been told I've done and had a good laugh at the office. All that aside, I live 30yrds from the pub we went to. I somehow caught the train home. I got on said train after forcing it to stop as I was for some reason walking alongside the tracks in the middle of nowhere! My memory comes back with me hiding in a bush hoping the driver wouldn't see me. My hands are still covered in thorns and scrapes.

Length - about 4 carriages.
(Something funny, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 22:12, Reply)

Cycling...again
In my cycling gear. Day three of a 7 day ride of 478 miles. It is hot. It's Iowa. And I am riding with, as many of you know already, Lance Armstrong. Sporting the Team LIVESTRONG kit and preparing to kick off I snap my left foot into my pedal and push off down this ever so slight little hill to get onto the sidewalk so I can head out to conquer the day's 60+ miles.

As I am just about to pop up onto the sidewalk, which was a brand new sidewalk, nice fresh, sharp, clean corners, I realized I couldnt see how high the sidewalk was from the actual ground because the grass was so thick.

It was then that it happened: my front wheel wrenched radically 90 degrees to the left and I had JUST snapped my right foot into my pedal...so I had no free foot to stop my rapid descent onto the sidewalk...bud I DID have my knee! So I ended up catching ALL of my weight directly on my knee cap which was precisely situated to capitalize on the especially sharp nature of this particular sidewalk.

I'm a big guy. At 5'11 and about 195 lbs, thats ALOT of weight to come down on a knee...particularly when the object cushioning that knee is a sharp sharp sharp corner of a sidewalk.

So, the result? One sliver cleanly chipped off my patela. About 1 inch long and .25 inch wide. Its still in there...floating around. I can feel it some days. Oh, and lets not forget the hole in my knee. Surprisingly, the knee bleeds fairly well when struck upon the sharp corner of a sidewalk.

However, in true moron fashion: I finished the ride. The last couple of miles it hurt so bad that I had watery eyes...also known as tears.

The next morning I took plenty of Advil and headed out on my way and ended up completing the entire ride. It still hurts periodically. Brilliant me.

Cheers and Happy Christmas!

Sean
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 22:02, 4 replies)