Arse Rip
I was a first year university student at Derby university, England, when this happened. Me and three mates were enjoying a bright sunny afternoon in Darley Abbey park, totally sober and straight-headed, messin’ about by the river on rope swings, and sliding down a six-foot high, moss covered weir that the river was travelling down. This was great fun, and we were all really enjoying ourselves until one of my friends (the one submitting this story) suggested I slide down a portion of the weir that was steeper as this would make me go faster. I obliged.

When I reached the bottom, I stopped dead and stood up swearing. I’d hit what felt like a raised rock, and my left buttock was throbbing painfully. I slowly walked over to the riverbank where my friends lifted my shorts up to inspect the damage, as there was blood trickling down my leg by this point.

I was met with cries of “Hospital!” and “Don’t look!!” so I looked, of course, and all I could see was all this bubbly fat hanging out of my buttocks, like a pile of mini pink frogspawn…

Anyway, we got to the car and rushed to the hospital, me lying on the back seat and one of my friends in the boot! When we got there the receptionist was very dismissive (I could still stand so there obviously wasn’t too much wrong with me) until the friend who’d made me slide down the steep bit in the first place grabbed a passing doctor and forced him to look at my injury. I was immediately offered a stretcher and wheeled into a nearby cubicle.

While we were waiting for me to be seen to, my friends decided to amuse themselves by flicking globules of fat across my legs, and I think this worked in my favour as a doctor came in and asked us to keep it down as someone in the next cubicle had gone into cardiac arrest, and we were seen shortly after that!

When the doctor came in to see me, he tested my leg for feeling, and pulled open the wound that stretched right across my left buttock in a broad V shape.
“See that dark bit there?” he said to my friends, “that’s the muscle. You’re very lucky that it wasn’t damaged at all”

Unfortunately, as I was lying on my front, I couldn’t see anything. Every doctor and nurse on shift at the time, however, did. They all came in to have a look and I felt like a prize exhibit. One even took a Polaroid picture – which he wouldn’t let me look at – saying it was to show his medical students. Yeah right - if it hasn’t appeared on rotten.com or ogrish, I’ll eat my fat!

I was given two options; local anaesthetic, out in two hours, or general anaesthetic and in over night. Being a double-hard bastard, I opted for the local, and the doctor and his Irish student work-placement nurse got to work. I could feel the stitches being pulled through my arse fat despite the anaesthetic as he double-stitched me back together.

In two and a half hours I was sitting in a beer garden, staining my seat with blood, enjoying a beer or few with a new story to tell.

On a later date, we re-visited the crash-site to see what it was that had ripped my left arse-cheek open. My friend ventured out to the spot and felt around, and sticking up about two centimetres out of the rock at the bottom of the wier, was a metal pipe, about a centimetre in diameter. It had pierced my left buttock right in the centre, ripping it open, spilling fat everywhere, and exposing the muscle.

I am still haunted by the fact that, in a parallel universe somewhere, I’d sat myself two inches to the left…
(bobba, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:25, Reply)

Friends sister
heard that you could open wide enough to fit a lightbulb, big end first, inside your mouth but once you got it in there you couldn't get it out without either breaking it (bad) or dislocating your jaw (very bad).

Naturally she assumed this wasn't true so tested the theory by unscrewing a lightbulb and trying it out. Unfortunatly for her, what she thought was urban legend was is actually urban fact - you really can't get a lightbulb out of your mouth after you have put in there. Cue one embarrassing taxi journey to the hospital ("where you you like to go luv?" "eh ouspial!!!") with the taxi driver laughing all the way.

As a post script to this, after about an hour or so the bulb was finally removed by medical professionals and my friend's little sister was free to go. On walking out of the hospital who should she see? (I swear this is true). The taxi driver who brought her to hospital sitting in A&E looking very embarressed with a lightbulb in his mouth!
(Thunder Peel, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 17:51, Reply)

Adventures at Bus stop
Just the other day I was traveling home on the bus, and I thought it would be rather dashing to jump out before the bus had stopped.

I did so.

I managed to jump right into a lamp post, roll a couple of times, dislodging my schoolbag and emitting a sound quite resemblent of a car putting on the brakes as I arrested my momentum with my face.

After the dust had settled, I got up, dusted myself and picked up my schoolbag. I then realised that my performance had not gone unnoticed.

All of the passengers on the bus, as well as a few cars behind it, were staring at me.

Determined to show them the British gentleman's reserve in the face of adversity, I waved rather merrily and proceeded to walk straight into the lamp post again.

Amazingly, I didn't get a scratch.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:20, Reply)

Hot batter.
My ex-wife (well she wasn't my ex at the time)slipped on some stairs and broke her arm.
After the cast came off I was made to spend a lot of time rubbing 'deep heat' ointment into her arm to ease the muscle pain.
This normally happened last thing at night.
One night the massaging of her arm progressed into something a bit more sensual. My ex wasn't terribly into sex so whenever the opportunity arose, I'd go for it quickly before she changed her mind.
A few seconds later whilst touching her front bottom parts, she started to moan and writhe. Result! I thought, she's finally responding to my manly touch. Alas no, I still had remnants 'deep heat' on my hands.
We didn't have a bath in that apartment, just a shower cubicle. Till my dying day I will never forget the sight of her sitting in the bottom of the shower (with the plughole bunged up with bog roll so that the water wouldn't drain away) wearing a look of sheer misery.
(The Pink Strat Copy, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 10:41, Reply)

This one time, at summer camp
I rolled out of a bunk bed in the middle of the night and onto the cold cement floor... some 6+ feet below (the beds were huuuge!) only to come to with some 15 or so 8-10 year old girls standing over me, staring and trying not to giggle. I was teased for days - only babies fall out of their cribs? whatever...

Despite the fact that I was unconscious for close to an hour, could hardly move my head from side to side, couldn't move my jaw at all, and went blind at random for the next 12 hours, my cabin's counselor refused to let me see the nurse until well into the afternoon the next day. Bloody teenage idiots. Probably thought she'd lose her lame job for my falling out of the bed in my sleep.

Pity, though. I never told my parents how truly bad the experience was. Could've sued someone I'm sure, and not been piss poor as I'm writing this.

EDIT (I feel inspired): Oh, also, when I was 14, I refused to do an assignment in geometry class as I wasn't feeling well and didn't want to do anything but lie my head down on the desk. I thought I'd emphasise the point by stabbing the metal pointy end of my compass down into the desktop, and ended up pinning my hand to it instead via the skin between thumb and pointer finger, much to the delight of my fellow classmates.

Not me but - when I was 12 I pushed a really annoying girl who kept trying to bump her chest against me ?in a manly display of agression? - she stepped backwards about two feet, her arm hit a sapling tree that was about two inches in width and promptly broke into the most impressive compound fracture I've ever seen... nature can be so cruel.

Last week I developed a sort of mild sunburn after losing my lighter and constantly lighting my smokes off my gas stove...

I also constantly walk into the exposed ends of my bedframe in the dark, which results in several oddly shaped cuts and scrapes on my shins.

When I was 8, I decided to shave my legs for the first time ever (I was a young woman, dammit!) and couldn't figure out what the strange pasty-white strip was lying in the bottom of the tub until I realized I'd shaved off a centimetre-wide strip of flesh directly on top of my shin... I figure now at least, I have that much less leg to shave...

I also nicked up my face quite wonderfully as a toddler trying to mimic daddy's shaving...

Whilst horsing around in a dive bar my friends and I used to frequent, we were doing cartwheels and round-offs, when I did a rather impressive round off and landed all my weight on my right heel, which promptly fractured. I didn't realize it because of the amount of alcohol consumed, and it was a bitch trying to drive my manual-transmission to the hospital while trying not to actually use the accelerator...

I ran an ATV into a 6" diameter tree at 2mph and managed to not only break a bone in my right hand, but also to aquire a rather large lovely scar on my right leg from not being able to move my hand off the accelerator to stop the tires turning...

I have a pencil lead stuck in the palm of my right hand - I'm not sure exactly when it got there, but there's a lovely scar over the top of it from my repeated, failed attempts to remove said lead by slicing it open and going at it with a pair of tweezers over the past 10+ years...

I once injured the hubby by going at it rather vigorously and catching his pride in the joint of hip+leg... :/

I've slammed my own tits in a door multiple times, though I'm not sure how...

When I was 18, I managed to grow a clit the size of a walnut by falling some 4+ feet onto a metal pipe... everything in the area swelled, I could hardly sit or pee for days...

Not really an injury, but last year I had to go to the ER after eating 2+ pounds of chocolate covered coffee beans in the course of 30 minutes in the middle of a manic phase... I was so high from the mania+beans that I was bouncing around the waiting room, trying to sprint in the hospital halls. I started to show signs of caffiene poisoning and the nurses doped me up and stuck me in the ICU overnight... can't stand the sight/smell of coffee beans now...

I managed to jam my finger earlier tonight while driving around Toronto - shifted gears and stuck it straight into the dash... didn't mention it to any of the passengers though *flex* hurts like hell now though :(

When I was 15, I ran headfirst into a sliding glass door with a little stained glass angel on it (you'd think the angel would have clued me into the door's existance...), and the suction cup hook holding it caught me right in the middle of the forehead - a nice little bump grew up in the spot, and I told everyone it was a horrible zit...

Last Christmas I worked night stock at a toy store, and while holding a few boxes of My Little Ponies, I slipped on the nasty, dusty floor and sprained my wrist really badly. There's a lovely security cam in the stockroom - I could hear my manager & coworkers laughing. She wasn't laughing when I filled out the workman's comp forms and got paid time & a half for three days work AND screwed up their "XXX days without injury" record...

After the Toronto Maple Leafs won a home game, traffic was really crazy-heavy in downtown Toronto and I managed to do a half backwards fall half soumersalt into the middle of Younge and mash my face into a sewer grate - I got tons of cheers from Leafs fans, but I had lovely square-shaped knots in my forehead for two days!

I'm not apologising for length. Why should I? Men never do...
(Ecclesia, Sat 4 Sep 2004, 7:49, Reply)

Refreshing
An ex-girlfriend of mine once decided that a pleasant surprise would be to fellate me with a mouthful of 7up. This effectively turning my penis into a living lava lamp bubbling with pure agony. The pain was such that I couldn't touch it, and it went purple for 2 days due to shock. I thought for a while it might drop off.
Now, the mere thought of a carbonated drink has me as flaccid as a baby.

I feel better for sharing this.
(pb4ugo2bed, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 16:53, Reply)

Not me but...
There was a wanking club at our school. God knows how I found out about this, but I am pleased to say that I was never a member. Others who were members told of illicit meetings in the school darkroom (where anyone in the staff room next door could hear every word that was spoken), where pornography was shared and vaguely homo-erotic fapping took place. The manky bunch of tossers.

One of the fully paid up members was a young man we shall call Greebo.

Imagine a pained scream, the door flung open in panic, and the head of economics dashing Greebo to the Royal Berkshire Hospital in the back of his car, wrapped in a blanket.

Greebo, in his frenzy not to come last in the soggy biscuit game, had yanked too hard on his old man and split his foreskin.

He arrived back at school the following Monday, rested and bandaged, with a sicknote that went straight to the headmaster's office, and he was excused games until he could walk without looking like John Wayne.

And nobody spoke of Greebo's misfortune, ever, for a vow had been made. Except to call him Rumplesplitskin. Every day. Forever.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 15:45, Reply)

not me, but...
... a true story about a mate:

My good friend (we'll call him Ben) and his lovely girlfriend (we'll call her Kat - and this is the story as told to me by her) had recently started dating each other, and they were somewhat into kinky sex. Kat was stark naked spread and tied to a bed for Ben to do what he pleased (all consentual) - unfortunately on his way over to her in his best sexy swagger his stumped his toes on the wooden bed leg and let out a manly (hah) little scream and began hopping around on one leg. He then tripped on a pair of hair-straighteners or a hair-dryer or something that was lying around (I forget exactly) and smacked his head off of the bedside table and knocked himself out cold.

I'm not sure I could imagine Kat's terror as she is naked and tied down and unable to do anything about Ben who is bleeding from his face, unconscious on the floor - though after about ten minutes ben came round and managed to pull himself onto the bed where he managed to untie one of Kat's hands before slumping back to the floor. Now able to free herself Kat managed to phone an ambulance and was so busy trying to tend to Ben that they were both still starkers when the paramedics arrived who took Ben to A&E - hefractured his cheekbone and has an impressive scar. He says it was worth it for the great story though.
(jinglebellsmotherfucker, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 15:21, Reply)

I Dislocated my arm picking up tablecloths
The CCTV footage is very shamefull. Involves me picking up a bunch of tableclothes, arm popping out, me dropping them and waving my lifeless arm about trying to jam it back in...

Fun fun fun
( dantl, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 11:08, Reply)

Let's see...
I've broken my nose three times. Once by falling onto a cattle grid and twice by slipping in the mud at a fairground and smashing face first into the condiment shelf of a hot dog stand on two consecutive visits.

I almost choked to death trying to impress my friends by swallowing an entire doughnut in one go (granted, a rather base from of entertainment). I remember seeing them all laughing heartily and then noticing as their faces grew with concern, my friend shouting "God, he's going blue!". Eventually my body repelled the treat in the form of a six inch doughy sausage.

Oh, and i accidentally shut my head in the fridge door recently.
(mudflaps, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:28, Reply)

Bloody Train
I put my hand in to the deepest darkest depths of my bag to get a book to read on the train, not knowing that my razor had slipped out and was lurking there waiting for me. I took my hand out. Drip, drip, drip a steady flow of blood oozed from a cut on my finger. I tried washing it in the bathroom. Drip, drip, drip the flow of blood was greater than the flow of tap water, all I managed to do was cover the basin and most of the floor in blood.

Being a man, I just wrapped the finger in a handerchief and thought nothing more of it. Until noticed that previously white hankerchief was now scarlet. Decided I probably needed some assistance so went to buffet car.

Lady behind counter went pale and nearly fainted at sight of blood so ran to get colleague, who trained in such matters, washed the dripping cut under the buffet car's proper tap and sink. Only the sink wasnt plumbed in. The bloody water flowed from the sink directly to the cupboard below. This cupboard was where all the plastic cups full of instant tea, coffee and hot chocolate were kept. Some interesting salty red instant coffee drinks were inadvertantly made.

Some firm pressure and a dressing later I returned to my seat, to be informed over the tannoy that 'hot drinks are no longer available on this train'.
(anat0010, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:38, Reply)

do you mean
embarrassing spelling mistakes?
(haberman is singing in the changes, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:24, Reply)

I Once Went To Hospital
with a roll-on deodorant injury

well, the label did tell me to "push up bottom and twist". . .

(sorry)
(le renard, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 10:03, Reply)

yeah this is sad.
i'm so accident prone

i was walking down a flight of outdoor stairs at my college looking down at a magazine and something hit me in the back and knocked me the rest of the way down the stairs
i thought it was a frisbee or a football or something because a lot of people will play out there durring classes... so i look around and i see a bird that had a broken wing.

it had broken it when it flew down and hit me.


i was once trying to swim from one side of a pool to the other without coming up for air.
a little over halfway i open my eyes and see the wall about 10 feet away so i push off the bottem really hard only to discover that the wall was about 3 feet away and i gave myself a concussion and a broken nose from hitting the wall of the pool.


i was playing a game of tag with my friends when i was little and the guy that was it was chasing me around the yard and i see an open doorway
i make a mad dash and end up smacking into the plate glass sliding door so hard it cracks
i had another broken nose and another concussion

i was playing tetherball and i was swinging the ball and my thumb got caught on the ball and i ended up smashing it into the pole breaking it
2 weeks later it had healed up and i was sleeping and somehow stuck my thumb between the wall and my bed and i rolled over and rebroke it
2 weeks later i rebroke it again playing tetherball again.
2 weeks later my little sister rebroke it by shutting it in the car door on accident

ummmm

i'm a springboard and platform diving and i have broken my own nose twice from hitting myself when i hit the water

i once broke my pointer finger on the bottem of the pool on my last warmup dive before a major competition and i had to scratch from the competition.

i was playing football and the ball rolled away from the rest of the field and i was chasing it down and my coach called to me so i turned to look at him while i was running and ended up falling into a 3x5 wide and 6 foot deep hole that they had dug next to field to repair the sprinklers.
one minute i was there. the next down at the bottem of the hole

and last but not least i think

i was playing football and i weigh about 120 pounds and some girl that weighed about 280 tackled me.
she did a flying leap and landed on my back throwing me down flat and my coach that was standing about 15 yards away heard my three ribs break.
i had to lay with her on my back for about 30 minutes until an ambulance could come and get her off of me because they were afraid if she rolled of of me she might make a rib turn and puncture a lung
it was horrid


i think that's it

i'm so accident prone
(spiffy_socks, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 5:59, Reply)

scene: doctor's surgery
doctor: how did it happen?
me: I caught it in my zip.
doctor: looks like teeth marks to me.
( magoo, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 17:14, Reply)

Poison Ivy
Being English living in America, to me poison ivy was just a crap song from the early eighties not a plant that emits a poisonous oil and causes severe rashes when coming in contact with the skin.

So anyway, one evening the missus is feeling frisky and starts to 'head south'. On getting nearer my 'manpole' she lets out a scream, I look down and notice a red ring around the base. Then it dawned on me, after working in the garden I came in, grabbed a can of beer, flipped on the telly and it was womens beach volleyball - they looked very nice in their skimpy bikinis, I was alone and...well you can guess the rest.

I am just glad she didnt look too hard as I swear their was a red, rashy thumbprint on it.
(DrTugnut, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 16:47, Reply)

I was doing some ironing
when the phone rang; I put the iron to my ear...
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 14:52, Reply)

Bath tubs - the cunt survived
So there was my mate, in a bath tub, hurtling down a hill in the Yorkshire Dales, with a full lob-on, chasing the girl of his dreams, who for some reason was standing at the bottom of said hill in the middle of nowhere, with ALL of her mates, including my wife.

This would not merit such an invective from myself, were it not for the fact that, on reaching the bottom of the hill, he pointed out to everyone that I was reaching the jester's shoes behind a nearby wall with the gristly maiden I've been trying to do for years, and I got a serious beating from my wife, resulting in embarrassing injuries to my love wand.

And then, to rub it in, he did exactly the same thing the following week, and in fact every Sunday evening for the next 30 years.

So obviously I was furious that he had the cheek to survive such a hare-brained stunt as to travel down a 1-in-3 gradient hill (replete with mole hills and potentially dangerous wiry tufts of grass), in a bath-tub on wheels, every single time, and yet I always finished up with a beating from my wife, and never got to shoot in my bird's growler in peace.

I thought justice had finally been done in about 1999, when he finally popped his clogs. I even had a quick dump in his coffin at the funeral while no-one was looking, and assumed that I had had the last laugh. But no, his son only goes and moves into the village, and I've been caught out in the same way by him, every single Sunday since. Add to this is the fact that my bird is now so old her fadge looks like a butcher's shop window, and I think you can safely say that I've been hard done-by.
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 8:39, Reply)

not embarrasing, but cool
1. when i was about 6, me and my sister were colouring away, when i stole the brown pencil out of her hand. She promptly grabbed the blue pencil crayon and stabbed me in the cheek, the lead broke off, about half a centimetre away from my eyeball.

I've still got a small blue tattoo now, 12 years later.

2. I fell off the top of a tree and broke both my legs.

3. During a game of keepy-uppys in the back garden, which is at a slghtly higher ground level than my house, i fell backwards through the kitchen window and into the sink. Whilst my mum was wahing up.

4. One of my friends taped a big square battery in my toilet, the fucker, when i pissed i was shocked.

5. I dislocated my jaw trying to prove that jawbreakers dont break your jaw to my sister.

6. Going back to my post on dating disasters, i was on a date, and raced my now-ex to wherever it was and twatted the curb and fell on my face, grazing all my head, and nearly knocking out my 2 front teeth.

7. Remembered another! I drank out of an orange juice carton and got stung 4 times inside my bottom lip by a big wasp, fucker. Got free ice-cream though.

Length is paramount
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 22:57, Reply)

True story
A mate of mine is an RAC recovery driver and was called out to recover a car which had broken down in a dark lane somewhere in the countryside.

After an awful lot of embarrassed umming and erring from the male driver, he eventually discovers that the cause of the problem is a broken gear knob, which would have been run-of-the-mill, apart from the top-half of said gear-changing-lever was jammed up the driver's girlfriend and wasn't coming out.

Sadly, the lady declined to let my mate 'recover' the gear knob and he ended up towing them both to A&E.

Apparently, she couldn't stop smiling the whole way.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 17:18, Reply)

French Bannister
When living in France some years ago, I found that the bannisters outside the Opera Bassille were particularly excellent for sliding down. There were two about 15 inches apart, so that one leg could be slung over one and the other leg slung over the other. This combined with just enogh pitch to get decent accelleration and a good length gave rize to an excellent experience.

The only problem was.... the weld had given way on the last upright that held the right bar in place at the bottom. As my weight pressed between the bars they parted just enough to allow the upright pole to slide into my leg at about 45 degrees. The sharp end severed some nerves, the artery and some other structures. Blood was escaping quite quickly. Luckily I knew where the pressure point was to stem the flow of blood from this region and calmly organised for the pompiers or firemen to escort me to the hospit5al where they removed about a kilo of dangling torn and ripped thigh flesh before stitching me back together.

It was not until this point that I noticed that I had an ache in the dangler department. TYhis seemed to have been caused by my jeans movign rapidly up my leg and bunching in my crotch, causing a split scrotum and crushed teste. A great day for Scotland.
(jimkins, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 14:09, Reply)

I'm good at injuring myself.
Possibly the most wince-worthy took place in Amsterdam in May this year. A friend an I decided to take a couple of days out there, doing the holiday on a shoestring budget, so we stayed in a Dorm hotel in the centre of the city.

All went very well for the first evening; much beer was consumed, much weed was smoked, much Shorma was eaten. Around 2am, we headed back to the hotel, both sobering up nicely, and after chilling out in the bar for a bit watching a DVD, we scooted off to sleep.

I found that my bed had been taken by someone else, so I moved to the top bunk in the darkest corner of the room (each room slept 12). About an hour after drifting off to sleep, I woke up to discover I _really_ needed a Gypsy's Kiss, and made moves to scuttle out of bed to the lavvy.

Sadly, my bladder was more full than I realised, and I got off the bed quite awkwardly, the ball of my foot slipping off the ladder. Depending on how you look at it, I was fortunate not to hit the floor, as I had grabbed out and caught hold of the bed. But the vast percentage of my fall was broken by me landing on the pole at the top of the ladder.

The sound of ripping boxer shorts was nothing more than a prelude to the pain that was about to hit me, as I found myself dangling from a bunk bed by my testicles. A surge of adrenylin allowed me to hoist myself clear of the offending pole, and scuttle down the ladder for my piss. On closer inspection, I discovered that my legs and boxers were quite clearly covered in blood, and I had a nice big tear straight through my family jewels, so I hobbled crab-like down to the hotel reception, tattered boxers flapping around me. They kindly arranged a taxi to a hospital, where I proceeded to have two men (in their 30s and 40s respectively) fondle my knackers, give two local anaestetic injections into my scrotum followed by several non-disovlable stitches, give me a tetanus injection in my leg (which went dead for the next four days), and then pack me on my way into the cold morning air.

The following day was a bit of a wash-out. I had been told not to drink or do anything else and keep a close eye on my bleeding and bruised spuds. Hell, even walking around was painful, and in the end the highlight of the day was going to shop for more supportive underwear.

Persuading people that you've been to Amsterdam and managed to sustained a genital injury WIHTOUT the need of a specialist prostitute is rather difficult, as I've found out!

The scar's fading, the indignity of registering with a local doctor back home to have the stitches removed was only a minor one, but the fact I'd managed to lose my E111 form during my recent move meant that the 180 Euro bill I had to pay for the treatment was just a final kick in the balls.
(Glis, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:37, Reply)

A little like the deap heat story
Me and the misses went out on the beer a while back. After we got back we had something to eat and "hit the rug". I done the honest thing and got down and chewed some rug. She was screaming and I thought I was a legend!... that was until she screamed "YOU'VE GOT PHAL ON YOUR FINGERS!!!!". Owch! Talk about bean curry!
( GeordieSteve, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:17, Reply)

i wasn't even wanking at the time,
but SOMEHOW a long hair from my head (and I have very long hair) became WEDGED up my cock. By at least 2 inches. I have no idea how this happens.

Now you may think that this wouldn't hurt at all (especially if you've seen the dildo-up-penis video, you'd think this is childs play). But it did. It hurt like fuck. It felt like a giant paper-cut being torn up the inside of my pee-pee when I pulled it out.

So I just rolled around on the floor for a while.

--

Ooh - another. I was once walking beside my house, and decide it would be fun to kick the football I am holding straight up. I do so, and it doesn't come back. Looking up I see a good portion of my roof collapsing onto me, and to top it off the football then hit me in the face.

--

At my first primary school someone hit a cricket-ball into my mouth and knocked my front two teeth out. I still bear the scars (in the - have crooked front teeth way).

--

Once, me and my friend had an HILARIOUS game - based on Fight Club - where we would take it in turns to punch each other in the face. It was all fun fun fun (well, reasonably fun) until he punched me in the the ear. Painful. But the force of that pushed me into a door, where I hurt my other ear on that. And then fell over as the door opened.

:(

*will try to remember more*
( stevierar, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 17:41, Reply)

Old uni team rugby legend
not sure if its true or not, but what the hey. Chap goes down after a nasty tackle and starts screaming, turns out his lag had popped out at the hip. Nasty indeed. The trained runs out, and seeing the problem, immediately pops blokes leg back in. Thats when the screaming REALLY starts. Yank the mans trousers off to see what's wrong, and they've only gone and caught a bollock in between bone and socket when they popped it back in. Two quick pops and he's slightly the worse for wear, but no long term damage.

Witnessed this one with mine own eyes. Was at scouts many a year ago, and a twunt by the name of Chris Stillwell decided he'd be awesome and shimmy up the flagpole. Once he's impressively far up, he dicides to slide down, because, hey, he's cool. He proceeds to slide over the little hook that's used to wrap the flagrope around, neatly slicing his testicles open in the process. He spends the next 2 minutes wandering around with his balls literally hanging out, and his face a disturbing shade of white, before being driven to A&E. The catcalls of "stilly stilly got no willy" started the next day. in his impotent fury could do was slowly waddle towards us.

I apologise for nothing!
(Eumphazard, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 16:19, Reply)

No hands.
Got this story off a manager I worked with and belive it to be true.
He said he went into a pub once were he met a girl who had both her arms in plaster and pins going down the shafts of every finger. When he enquired what had happened she explained.
Apparently she worked in a paper factory where they have big guillotine machines. You push the wad of paper in and press the button and the blade comes down and trims the paper. So, young lady had put the paper in, pressed the button and nothing happened. So she reached into the machine, lined up the paper again and "thwamp", blade comes down and chops both her hands off!!! Now you might think thats bad but the best bit is her natural first instinct was to try and pick up her hands which were lying on the machine....
(maddave, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 14:53, Reply)

The silence of the nuns.
During a hiking holiday in Wales I found a nunnery at the top of a mountain. I was exhausted and in a bad way, so they took me in to give me some dinner before sending me on my way.
It turned out the nuns inside had all taken a vow of silence. I was keen to see if I could get them to break this vow. So, during dinner, I stood on the table, dropped my trousers and began masterbating furiously.
True to their vows, not one of them spoke. However, the Mother Superior did start battering my member with a rack of lamb. A splintered bone ended up impaled in my knob.
Of course, my mum and dad and my toddler son (who were with me) all saw the funny side, but I was pissing like a sprinkler for weeks.


Then I woke up. Or something.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 6 Sep 2004, 8:33, Reply)

Once when I was sailing...
I was an assistant instructor, teaching little kids how to sail. So, I was on a Topaz (small sailing dinghy) with a little 5 year old.

Anyway, another dinghy goes roaring past, and I notice with some slightalarm that the boom, if allowed to continue on its present course would connect with my charge's head.

Thus, being the good samaratan that I was, I stuck my hand out to deflect the boom. I then heard an alarming crunch and found myself being dragged through the water at a very high speed towards a very large, very metal and very solid bouy. Arse.

Apparently my hand got caught, breaking my wrist, dislocating my shoulder and pulling me off the boat. The impact with the bouy had dislodged me and given me a mild concussion, as well as a very copious nosebleed.

The funny thing was, after the rescue boat had pulled me from the water, dazed and bleeding, the senior instructor reset my shoulder, causing me to scream, stand bolt upright and piss myself.

All in front of around 10 little children.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Sun 5 Sep 2004, 13:49, Reply)

Sorry for all these, but here's another one...
Friend of mine was cooking a meal, which involved copious amounts of chili. Well, during the cooking of said meal, he found an itch in his pants ("get out you little bugger") so proceeded to scratch his nether-regions AND his eyes.

Now, read that paragraph again. Chili. Scratch. Nether-regions. Eyes.

So 10 minutes later, he would be found with his face under a tap and his todger in a glass of milk.

Pure comedy...
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 13:56, Reply)

Bizarre threesome.
Another paramedic one: Called to a male with back pain in a cemetery. On arrival, we found an obese man lying on top of his wife (penis still inserted) and his wife was lying on someone’s grave. Quick call to Fire & Rescue and we lifted him off and got him treated for his back pain. I asked him why they chose to have sex on someone’s grave. He told me it was her previous husband’s grave and that “She misses him”.
That has to be the most unusual “ménage a trois” ever…
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 3:10, Reply)