It's my Birthday!!!
Well... it is tomorrow but I'll be in London then so won't be able to post anything...
So my experiment is to see how nice other b3tans are, depending on how many birthday wishes I receive.
Then we'll finally know the truth about how nice or nasty you bunch really are!
( Mellicious is made of candy, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 15:54, 27 replies)

Experiments for teenagers
As a 15 year old, (or thereabouts), I'd read that an erection is caused by it filling with blood.
Ok, what would happen then if I stopped the blood escaping? Would it give me a permanent stiffy?
I retired to my room that afternoon with a good handful of rubber-bands and proceeded to feed my genitals into them. I had about 4 bands (which were doubled up to be a tight fit) over my todger and under my bollocks which would cover all angles of approach. I added a few more and a couple around the base of the shaft.
It looked like it was working, it was immensely hard, so much so, it didn't feel real. I'd never seen those veins so large. There were other veins I'd not noticed before. My penis looked like a very angry bodybuilder.

I started choking the chicken, but the stopped. No! that would be cheating.

All I could think about was the pressure in my penis. I needed something to take my mind off it. I dug out some books and did my English coursework, that ought to do it.

I finished my assignment, looked down and it was gone.
Conclusion: Contrary to popular belief, you can't maintain a permanent stiffy using pressure alone.

Later on, I tried it again and shook the coconuts from the palm tree. Nothing came out. At all. Then, as the spasms stopped a very thick substance oozed to the surface. I mean thick, like soft lard.

I took all the bands off, and the watery component oozed out. No, trickled. There was a lot, it went everywhere. Not spurting, just running out like a slow running tap.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 15:17, 4 replies)

Can people really smell your farts?
Spurred on by the experiment I posted on page 2, I decided to undertake another experiment. After last time, I decided to make any future experiments 'clean' - as in not resulting in me ending up covered in steamy urine - so I set to thinking what I could experiment with.

Now you may well know already that you cannot force creativity - the same can be said for farts which I learnt to be 100% fact the other morning when I squeezed out the most ear piercing, glass shattering, kill your neighbours cat causing, atmosphere destroying, insect repelling squeeler of all time... which of course due to the fact that it was the best fart I have EVER heard I squeezed out a teeny bit too long. My girlfriend heard this beautiful anal symphony and automatically held her nose and said something along the lines of "you dirty bastard" - I actually thought the gaseous part of the fart didn't smell but hey ho.

Suffice it to say that pair of underwear is in the bin - but it did give me an idea what to experiment with.

So after much procrastination and digretion - the expriment is: Can people really smell your farts or is it a psychosomatic response to the noise?

I wanted to test this in a variety of different situations: the car (confined space), the bedroom (sexy space), the toilet with door open (proper space), the garden (open space), in company (the group test.) I also had to make sure all the farts were as silent as possible to ensure the psychosomatic response factor was zero. This lead to experimentation of its own right ranging from prying apart my meaty cheeks, producing a noise akin to pinching and pulling the end of an inflated balloon, to super tensing which just made it sound like I had ripped a hole in space-time. Once I perfected the technique - which didn't take long as I had windy pops - I got to it.

1) The Car
I silently let rip with the girlfriend next to me and windows and vents closed. Result - She gagged and nearly threw up.

FAIL


2) Bed
This experiment was flawed from the beginning as I gave her a dutch oven. HIlarious but painful as I got a shot to the pills. Ouch.

FAIL


3) Toilet
This was wasn't even silent and you know what.....she didn't smell it!!

SUCCESS


4) Garden
Again - she did NOT smell it - could I be seeing a trend form here? Are sphincter jingles really only smelt as a psychosomatic response due to the sound, or had I just lost potency from farting too much?

SUCCESS


5) In Company
Majorly bad idea - like the worst idea possible. She smelt it, I smelt it, everyone smelt it. Proving that not only did my farts have the unbelievable maturity in smell to clear a room in seconds, but that farting in a room with your missus and her parents is NOT a way to impress them.

FAIL


Well it was a close call, a failure by only a small margin. Perhaps this failure can be attributed to my stupidity in burying my girls face into a pile of fresh noctious gas - who knows. Either way, it wasn't a very fair test this time... but man was it enjoyable!

It didn't end in me getting covered in pee and better yet it gave me a reason to expel my expertly crafted bodily contribution to the destruction of the ozone layer - like I ever needed one!
(Spangulum nailing your mother since 1824, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 14:23, 8 replies)

avoided catastrophe
In the early 90's at college, the "anachists' cookbook" textfile appeared on the network. and it was read by lots before the sysadmin deleted it.
One section, the "How to Make Thermite" stuck in mine and my mate's head. An easy recipe. Equal parts aluminium and iron oxide and a bit of magnesium ribbon to get it going.

Fast forward about 13 years and my mate gets a part time job as a lab technician at a college.
I went round to visit him one night and after a few beers he announces "Guess what I've accrued from college?"
"Job satisfaction?" asked I.

He wandered off into his garage and comes back with two small polythene bags containing a grey powder and a brown powder, and also a strip of magnesium ribbon.
"O-ho!" said I.
He fishes out an old clay plantpot and pour the powders in, gives it a mix and sticks the ribbon in as a wick.
He leans over with one of those long gas-match things you use to light the cooker when the sparky thing's knackered.
The ribbon glowed and then went nova. We shuffled back a bit and watched as the ribbon burned down to the powder. Now, barely able to see, the ribbon reached the powder and went out.
ARSE!
He fished the remaining ribbon from the powder, lit it again and it went out.

We gave up then and he disposed of the obviously inert powder, though he did manage to boot the plantpot over and leave a large rusty stain on the lawn which he managed to hose away before his wife came home the next morning.

Thinking back, I hate to think of the mess it would have made of his garden if it had gone up. There must have been a good-sized mugful amount of powder in the pot.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 14:23, 4 replies)

6 billion well spent?
'hello, dear.'
'hello, mother.'
'how was your day at work?'
'fine thanks. we've been building a large hadron collider. we're nearly finished.'
'that's good, dear. what's it for?'
'it's for smashing particles together at very high speeds.'
'really? and why do you want to do that?'
'well, we want to see what happens.'
'oh, right. do you have any idea what might happen?'
'yes, we think we'll find new kinds of particles, ones we believe exist, but have never found before. it's very exciting.'
'that's good. so will these new particles be useful for anything?'
'yes, we expect them to explain our reality.'
'really? do we not know already?'
'we have a theory.'
'oh, i see. is it a good theory?'
'yes, it's a great theory, we're just not sure about a couple of things.'
'are adam and eve in it?'
'no, mother, adam and eve aren't real.'
'oh, i see. is god real?'
'god has not been scientifically proven.'
'but your theory can be scientifically proven?'
'yes. well, in theory. we just need to confirm a couple of things.'
'are they big things?'
'not really. in fact, it's only the very tiniest things. we understand all the big things, it's only the very tiny things we're having a bit of trouble with. they're difficult to see, you see.'
'of course.'
'and we're not sure how we managed to get big things from only very tiny things.'
'yes, i wondered much the same as i was pushing you out, dear. well, as long as it's not dangerous.'
'there's no need to worry, mother, there's almost absolutely no danger at all. we've worked it all out and there's almost zero chance of destroying the universe.'
'well, i suppose there's only the very small things you're not sure about.'
'yes. and if we can create the very small things, we can find out how they make the big things.'
'i do hope you won't be making lots of big things to clutter the house up with, dear, it's bad enough in there already.'
'no, mother.'
'well, i'm sure you know what you're doing, dear.'
'of course we do, mother, and that's exactly what we intend to prove.'
'and speaking of tiny things that mysteriously become large, i would appreciate it if you could come round and trim the privet like you promised. goodbye, dear. and all the best with your theory, i hope it all works out.'
'thanks, mother. i'm sure it will.'
(threadkiller, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 14:11, 8 replies)

Breathing
When I was 13, I spent a lot of time trying to kill myself by holding my breath. I wasn't suicidal, I just wanted to prove people wrong.

I never managed to do it.

Although I did hold my breath for 75 seconds at one point. (I had to start breathing again, as my vision was turning red.)

Conclusion: You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

Secondary conclusion: Breathing is good for you.
(peterlynch, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 14:10, 2 replies)

Super Lotion!
When I was a wee nipper all those years ago I always wondered why you had all those different products in the bathroom.

Shampoo, conditioners, Soap, shower gel, aftershave, shaving foam etc.

In my youthful mind the solution was simple - pour them all into one bottle! Behold; the super lotion was born! Seemed like a great idea and starting using it post haste!

Unfortunately my young member didn't like the aftershave element of my super lotion and my cock felt like it was on fire!
(ldwater otherwise known as a 'jive turkey', Tue 29 Jul 2008, 14:02, 2 replies)

wiggly worms
when i was about 11, we had our first biology lesson. we were all trotted out to the hockey pitch, in our shiny new shoes and oversized blazers, to pour soapy water onto a square foot of pitch and count how many worms popped out.

can anyone explain the point of this to me? and why the water had to be soapy?

anyway, we decided to assist the thirsty little worms in coming up to the wet earth for a nice refreshing drink.

"if we pound on the floor with our sticks," my friend sam pointed out brightly, "they will think it's raining and come up twice as fast."

sam has had many stupid ideas over the years. this was the first one i witnessed myself. not one group in the entire class found one single worm. because, the teacher told us grimly, our dancing and thumping around had scared the hell out of them and they had all wiggled downwards as fast as possible...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 14:00, 4 replies)

Backheels
When I was a young 'un We used to ride our bikes around and try to look cool by stopping the back tyre with our heel (hence the name 'Backheel').

One day I decided that this was all well and good but I wanted something more satisfying, something more dangerous, something much cooler...

So cue me hoofing it down my road and then jamming my foot into the front wheel in an attempt to complete a 'Frontheel'...

Yes, that's right, the inevitable did happen and I ploughed the tarmac with my face and had the resultant trip to casualty and my dad being called home from work to take me there...

Length? A good few feet in the air, then some more on the ground and a lovely scab that made me look like the Phantom of the Opera
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 13:47, 1 reply)

Staplers are evil when one is intoxicated.
At a party a couple of weeks ago, I and several of my friends got drunk. Very drunk. Then we stumbled upon (literally) a stapler in the kitchen of the friend whose party it was. Some twunt thought it would be a great idea if we all experimented as to how many staples we could put through our scrotums before bottling out.

Conclusion : Don't do it. Really. Don't. Someone even accidentally stapled himself to the sideboard and had to rip it out. So yeah...
(Aatxe, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 13:44, 4 replies)

Ammo disection
As a callow youth a friend and i decided to investigate the contents of a live shotgun cartridge.

Results:The gun powder in a cartridge burns most prettily and the shot is surprisingly small.Oh,and coming out in a cold sweat years later when i actually thought about how monumentally stupid a thing this was to do.
(yob soddoth happiness is a Dane called Hamlet?, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 13:41, 2 replies)

Oh ho ho sir, you crafty so and so
Our biology teacher, Mr Branch (nominative determinism strikes again!) was wondering around the lab during an experiment.

Up he came to each group, reminding them that their solution should be turning green soon.

"Is it turning green yet?" he inquired

"Oh yes sir, I can see some hints of green!" we would reply.

At the end of the experiment, we all compared results. None of our solutions had turned green, but we didn't want to admit that we were incompetent.

"So, what did you observe?" Mr Branch asked most rhetorically

"Er...it turned green sir!" we chirped in unison

"Well, it wasn't supposed to. I just told you that to throw you off. You bunch of lying bastards!"

We learnt a lesson that day:

Never lie more effectively
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 13:32, Reply)

Wanking experiment
I once tried to get into double figures with orgasms during the school holidays. I think over the course of 8 hrs I managed to spimf 9 times before I decided:

a) I needed to stop cos mum& dad were coming home from work
b) I had a sore penis
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 13:29, 5 replies)

Arse
In the interest of increasing human understanding of writing implement / sphincter interaction mechanisms, i put a pencil up Connie Allen's bottom. Quite a long way as it happens. I can't recall the outcome of the experiment, i was 6.
(inactionman, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 13:04, 4 replies)

Curiosity
There is a cup in the communal bathroom which contains a spoon and a small sample of one of my flatmates poo.
(DryGoldfish, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 12:53, Reply)

If I staple my finger, will it actually staple and how much will it hurt?
In retrospect, both answers are kind of obvious. I tried to get sympathy (and treatment) for my wounds by claiming the cat had attacked me. Met with profound disinterest, so nobody noticed that the cat had apparently left me with two neat holes in my finger and no other scratches.

Conclusion: I am unloved :(
(Skittlemcfluff ......................, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 12:43, 3 replies)

[Biology] Are hangovers caused by impurities instead of alcohol?
One idle Sunday Afternoon At University, we were discussing what causes hangovers. Someone said it was due to various impurities in the drinks rather than alcohol. To test this, two of my friends decided to drink 10 pints of water each to see if they could get a hangover this way. For some reason, they had a rule that you were not allowed to piss until the 10 pints had been consumed (I'm not sure if this would have had an effect on the original aim of the experiment).

So they started drinking the water from stolen pint-glasses (my next-door neighbour in my corridor had a big pile of them). About halfway through, one of them needed a shit. The High Council of Bored Students (HCoBS) decided that it was OK to shit as long as no pissing took place, so off he went to let his bladder expand to the vacated space in his bowels (IIRC, nobody verified the lack of pissing - we just took is word). Eventually, the other guy started puking up when he was near the end of his 10 pints of water.

I cannot for the life of me remember the conclusion of this experiment, but it's one of those experiments that if you change the premise, you can fiddle it to get the result you want, but in this case, the premise would have to change from the domain of biology to the domain of sociology so that it becomes an experiment to see how bored students cope with Sunday afternoons.

^{Previously... | Next...}

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 12:24, 3 replies)

Ok it wasn't really pointless...
But I get really bad hayfever and yesterday at work I was close to dying* and sneezed all day so when I got home I took more hayfever medicine (Beconase spray for anyone making notes) still felt awful so slept pretty much from when I got home at 530 to 8 this morning with an hour wake up to get some pasta.

So today I decided to see how much hayfever stuff I needed to take to stop sneezing. The bottle states do not take more than 8 sprays but I figure they always put less than the "dangerous" dose to allow idiots like me a buffer zone.

0800: Woke up : 4 sprays
0820: Had Shower returned to room: 2 sprays
0822: Dried hair, still sneezing: 2 sprays
0834: Went downstairs in hunt for food, still sneezing: 2 sprays.
0835: Found some Zirtec allegy tablets in kitchen claims to be one a day, took two
0847: Left for work.
0900: Arrived at work still sneezing: 2 sprays.
0901: Reasoned I can't drink and sneeze at the same time. Started on tea.

1210: 8 cups of tea, a donut and 2 more sprays I have stopped sneezing but feel somewhat spaced out. Left eye is twitching. Boss asking if I am winking at him.


*may be an exaggeration
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 12:13, 14 replies)

Drinking Experiment...
This weekend I conducted an experiment without even meaning to. Indeed, such was the delayed realisation of the experiment I've only been able to asses the results this morning...

Question: Can I, as a 32 yr old drink like I did as a 22 year old?

Rather than fully dedicating efforts to finishing off the demo we've been working on for, well, ever; my band and I reduced ourselves to stumbling, mumbling ruins on Friday night.

Fine says I as I awoke on Saturday morning (at half eight, ffs... that never used to happen 10 years ago), we have other chances to record, now leave me alone as I do battle with the sharp clawed, heavy footed monster that is running freely about the inside of my head.

Saturday morning slid by and, with a fried egg sandwich, several pots of coffee and countless moans and groans behind me; the monster was placated and I ventured up to Wimbledon Common to enjoy some afternoon sunshine and a few beers with some friends.

Of course these few beers swelled to become a veritable tsunami of ale and I eventually found myself snoozing on the last train out of Raynes Park.

Sunday. Christ on a bike. The hangover that greeted me as my eyes opened to the morning sun shining through my far too thin curtains, at seven cocking thirty, could be likened to the effect of having ones head used as the piñata at a birthday party for superheroes. Although this one hadn't been stuffed with sweets, they were swinging for stale ale instead.

Conclusion: Drinking heavily for two days in a row is now so far beyond me I find myself being forced to 'work from home' on the following Monday, and only just recovering as Tuesday rolls around.
( Moey, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 12:09, 3 replies)

i like to experiment
with alcohol too see how much you can take before coming on to your friends mother and generally making a twat of yourself. research shows this takes no more than 5 pints depending on the subject.
( Cunny Funt Statistically, 9 out of 10 People Enjoy Gang Rape, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 11:49, 5 replies)

I can't think of a pointless experiment
but I badly need to say that the person in the queue in front of me in the co op this morning asked the hapless assistant if they accepted "Lord Card of Debitshire".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 11:32, 6 replies)

Bleurgh
I've just been making a brew at work and thought to myself " I wonder what those sweetener tablets taste like?"

Two seconds later and I now know. How this is meant to be an alternative for sugar is anyones guess.

Its so horrid I'm trying to remove the top layer of my tounge using my teeth.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 11:27, 1 reply)

Not so much pointless...
In a previous QOTW (disappointments or summat...) I was advised to put distance between the new ex for a while to get my head around everything.

Not as easy as it sounds, unless you add in copious amounts of various drugs. And so:

Friday night
Lots of beer, dropped a (apparently VERY strong) pill.
Result: black eye, lots of cuts to my hands, bollocking from friend the next day.

Saturday
Me and a friend decided to spend the day snorting lots of Columbia's finest - plus large quantities of alcohol.
Result: raging hangover, no money left...

Sunday
Let's just have a quiet afternoon in the bar, chilling out ready for work on Monday.
Result: randomly, everyone in the bar ended up changing clothes with each other, there was a really good water and beer fight, I ended up getting so stoned I couldn't even see straight let alone walk.

Conclusion: Um...just say no?

And I never made it into work yesterday - the hangover and shakes were too much...
( snee held his breath since, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 11:12, 2 replies)

Thank god for eyesockets
Me and my mate in Austria, having a blast drinking in this secluded hutt on the mountainridge. The bonus used to be the way home, using a sled to race down the pitch black, snow covered road which, by the way, was used by the village taxi to get the patrons up there in the first place.
Anyway, after a very, very pissed and funny SUI (sleding under influence), we stopped near a bridge supporting the 'Autobahn'. It's in a bridge's nature to not have any snow underneath, so in a fueled competition we wondered who of us might get further on speeding up on the snow first and grinding down on blank concrete. My mate won.
I got stopped by a bit of shrub while 20 cm further down he decided to hit the alleged barbed wire finishing line with his face.
Thought this was a pretty useless experiment, thou I've learned that a doctor can stitch up an eyeball without anesthetics...

Length? I mentioned it was in Austria - should be enough
(fatbob pfffft…, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 10:28, Reply)

And one last one before I get to work
When little FlatTadpole was about 2, she was round at a friend's to play. Mrs Flatfrog was in the kitchen chatting, when young 'un comes in looking a bit grubby. 'What have you been up to?', they ask.

What they had been up to is experimenting with the charcoal briquettes in the fake fireplace. They'd discovered that they exploded with a satisfying pop when squeezed, making a little cloud of black dust. They'd gone through them methodically, smearing black soot all over the cream carpet. Mrs F and her friend started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop for about ten minutes. Thank God for the Dyson...

Another childhood experiment was when the (rather smaller) tadpole decided to draw on the wall with the contents of her nappy, but that's a sadly common one.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 9:36, 1 reply)

Another chemistry teacher one
Our teacher told us about a practical joke they used to pull on lab staff. They'd make a mixture of sawdust and sodium peroxide and leave a residue of it in a beaker with the washing up. Unfortunately, sodium peroxide reacts explosively with water...
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 9:21, Reply)

George's Marvellous Medicine
Any small boy who wraps his grubby little mind around this Dahl masterpiece can't help but be "inspired" to invent their very own marvellous medicine. It's not like you need to follow any of the recipes in the pages to a tee either. George himself tried several variations and ended up with a variety of amazing results, the possibilities were endless! His medicines made things balloon in size, shrink to the size of a coin or grow incredibly long legs! Brilliant!

My rabbit died.
(slotbadger, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 9:05, 2 replies)

Experiments with Sun In
I had the usual teenage experiment with Sun-In. You know the thing, you all did it. The old 'I'll just lighten up my fringe' bit, then you're not sure if it's working so you spray a bit more on just to make sure. And then a bit more.

I ended up looking like a fucking ginge.

How more pointless can you get?
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Tue 29 Jul 2008, 9:05, 2 replies)