DVLA "change over" sucks
I failed to be licenced to drive after I passed my driving test.

I was learning to drive in 1996 when we were leading up to the introduction of the theory test. Sadly through cockups my instructor was astonished by I failed the test twice.

By the time I sat and passed my third test they had introduced the theory test however they'd done it AFTER I'd booked the actual driving test.

Hence I got the oh so rewarding words:
"I'm pleased to tell you that you've passed! Sadly you may not operate a motor vehicle until you've sat and passed your driving theory test."

Had to send off to book onto the theory. Which gave me a date a month later, then the damn thing was done on paper and I had to wait 2 weeks for them to mark it!!!

Thus I had passed my driving test for 2 months before I was actually licenced to drive!

Incidentally both the examiners who failed me were dull blokes with dodgy sunglasses and it was a woman who passed me, which surprised me after I drifted along in my own world chatting about her daughter and glancing at her legs.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 15:52, Reply)

Failed at failing
I’ve hesitated about posting this in case it looks like a “look at me, I’m so clever” sort of story, but really, it’s more of a reflection of the mongs I was at school with than of my own intellect.

In Year 9 at my hard-as-nails London comprehensive, I decided that the fast track to popularity entailed failing my end-of-year exams. I had a bit of a reputation as a swot (despite the fact that I never actually did any work) and was keen to shake it off once and for all. Mere apathy had got me nowhere. It was time for action. I was going to make a concentrated effort to do really badly in my exams.

Maths was the hardest (to fail, that is). Paper consisted of questions like, “Here’s a formula. Here are some values to put in the formula. What do you get?” I thought, surely nobody’s going to fail this, you’d have to be a complete moron…but got a few questions wrong anyway, just to make sure.

I came top in the year. I also came top in French, music, RE (WTF?) and chemistry.

Fucksocks.

And an impressive number of pupils did fail that maths exam.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 14:59, Reply)

failed commando
Story from the old man.

Apparently aged 14 and out with his school on a camping trip. The man in charge is their ex-army PE instructor, a red faced moustached man slightly out of shape yet utterly convinced of his superhuman soldiering skills. All day long they endured his boasts of outrageous bravery, finely tuned martial skills and elf like woodcraft "I can kill a man with one finger/stalk an ant cross country for 100 miles/catch and skin a tiger armed only with a spoon" and so on. He took it extremely seriously and was deliberate and determined in his ignorance of how rediculous and transparent these lies were.

Finally he made a boast which they felt they had to challenge. "I could walk out into this wood at night and hide not 5 feet from you and not one of you would be able to find me. It would be as if I had literally vanished into the night".

"Bollocks sir." Came the reply.

And so the wager was made. At some time between 10pm and midnight, the PE teacher would leave his tent and hide himself in the woods. The boys would then have until 1am to find him. Game on.

At 10:01 precisely the boys watched from their tents as a decidedly drunken looking PE teacher crept out from his tent. They contiued to watch as he clumsily tiptoed a full 3 feet into the woods, stopping ince he arrived at a muddy ditch, they continued to watch bemused as he climbed into the ditch and covered himself with leaves, chuckling to himself all the while, as any good commando would do.

After having a fag and a cup of tea and a bit of a laugh at the daft old git, they wandered out into the woods making a lot of noise and giving of the occassional exaggerated shout "where could he be!" "it's amazing he literally vanished!" and "cor..we'll be here all night" and finally. "well lads it looks like we're not going to find him. But that teas gone right through me i'm just going to stop off at this ditch and take a piss." A chorus of agreement rang out and about 20 schoolboys approched the exact spot where the PE teacher was buried under the leaves expecting him to jump out at any second and conced the game.

But no. This man was so dedicated to his survival craft that he lay there unmoving and grimly determined as the pee showered down on his hiding place. He returned to the camp some time later covered in mud and leaves and reeking of urine.

Which is of course no less than any PE teacher deserves.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 14:42, Reply)

Not me but a friend...
was at a party a few years back and decided to walk home as was only about an hour away from his house. A quicker way home was to walk through Phoenix Park (in Dublin for those of you who dont know) and while walking through the park, friend and his accomplance decided they would break into Dublin Zoo and steal a penguin. So they stumble around the bushes and come into an open area not having any idea where they have ended up. Look down and realise they are tramping around on a flower bed, so continue to do so as was funny in a way as only wen in a drunken state of mind. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, 5 armed men start screaming at the lads telling them to get on the ground and not move! 'Oh shit' they thinks, 'what the hell is going on?'. Turns out they managed to ramble outside the Presidents house and were standing on her flowers!

Quick trip to the police station later..
'What were you doing in the Presidents garden? How did u manage to get past security???' asks the irate gardaí
'Eh to be honest we were trying to steal a penguin from the zoo'

Guards didn't believe them at first but seeing as they had two pissed students on their hands who couldn't stop laughing they finally let them go with a warning! They even stole pens and statement sheets from the garda station to proove what had happened!

So thats how two of my friends failed to steal a penguin :o)
(BigFatPaulie, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Driving Test
I passed my driving test about half an hour ago! So up all of yours!!

Failed the first one though...
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Wed 10 Jan 2007, 14:00, Reply)

I failed to come
A few years ago, I was washed up on a Polynesian island inhabited solely by women who looked like Salma Hayek. It was a race of hyper-nubile identical offspring. For reasons known only to them, they strapped me naked to a post.

I discovered later that their religion had predicted the arrival of a god from the sea - slightly balding and with a fat gut, but with an ever- ready member. Numerous castaways had been washed up on their island, but had all been beheaded as ungodly. Why? Because the women believed that godliness was contained in a divine essence stored in the man's scrote. If they couldn't get it out, then the man must be a god. Go figure.

So they strapped me naked to this post and formed an orderly queue to test my divine essence. Imagine, if you will, an endless line of nude Salma Hayeks bending over to take a swollen member in their heavenly mouths, and you will see my situation. After 30 mins or so of expert felllation, they upped the stakes and began to impale themselves on my twitching ardour, using every orifice available to them.. Some of them got quite carried away, I can tell you, thrashing about on my glistening rod and moaning in their native tongue. I'd never seen so much perfect nudity attending to my tool.

After the whole island had exhausted themselves on my rigidity, they cut me free and made me a god - for I had not shot my bolt. They then told me that I would be expected to service them all until old age rendered me infirm and impotent. Only ... I would not be able to come.

My balls are the size of space hoppers.
(frankspencer, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 13:08, Reply)

Taxi for Tickles!
In one of the drunken weeks leading up to Christmas, I failed to stay awake during the cab journey home. My memory of the night consits of very little, aside from a cab driver shouting at me as I apparantly asked to go somewhere I don't actually live.

Anyways, failure to stay awake meant the cab-driving git went through my bag and nicked my Ipod, Ipod charger, lip balm and (rather bizarely), my train timetable.

Still, judging by the stains on the bottom of my trousers the next day, I think I might have razzed in the back of his car. It's almost worth the expense of loss. Wanker.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 13:00, Reply)

Failed to hang around....
Back in the day I frequented a saddos chatroom (on Virgin Net if memory serves).

They were having a get together in Brighton and I agreed to pick up a bloke in Sheffield ans a woman at South Mimms services.

The bloke got out at South Mimms to join some of his mates leaving me, this woman and her arse which had it's own postcode to drive the rest of the way there.

Quickly established she a)liked the idea and b) had booked a room for (us) two.

Got to Brighton and the digs, dropped her off to book in and 'went to fill up with fuel'. Once at the filling station my homing instincts kicked in and before I knew it I was on the motorway home.

Hopefully she managed without her bags for the three days and found her way home alright.
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 12:58, Reply)

Two-nil
I was unexpectedly and forcefully evicted from somewhere I had been all my life, somewhere I was happy and content. Luckily I was quickly installed in a new abode, though I still can't believe they thought it would be a good idea, plenty of other people would have been pleased to see me and looked after me.

The new place was in a hell of a state, totally uncared for, the previous occupant had obviously been as hard as nails (and very small). The owner wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, I mean, getting rat-arsed on wine when I was still settling in wasn't very clever was it?

Anyway, very soon it became painfully clear that me and my new residence were totally incompatible, something had to give.
So I failed.

I was, of course, George Best's new liver.



I also failed to see why that was deleted the first fucking time I posted it. Apart from the fact it's not funny.
(Rsoles, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 12:41, Reply)

Failure
I failed to come up with a funny answer to the QOTW. AGAIN. But if there's ever one about bad habits, I'm a shoe in.
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 12:27, Reply)

....
I failed to have protected sex.

I am now a whale.


Not really sure the length was worth it
(HamsterOfDoom, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 12:26, Reply)

Career in computing over
In 1994 I had a definite career plan: computer programmer or something related. In 1995 that plan was finished after a). Getting thrown out of Higher Maths after three weeks and one homework assignment AND b). Mustering a mighty 16% in the Higher Computing Studies prelim. Just couldn't fucking comprehend anything mathematical...I changed tack after these setbacks.
(Rob Roy The Postie is looking for alternative employment, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 11:23, Reply)

failed
I just failed at writing a decent non technical rewrite. It's garbage, well, I presume it is, I didn't actually read it.
(lei, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 9:18, Reply)

Mr. F__________! You've failed!
A schoolfriend's father, an immigrant from southern Italy had to take a UK driving test after his arrival in Britain in the 1960s. Like a good Italian he put a crisp fiver on the passenger seat (for the examiner to slide into his back pocket in a single deft movement as he "adjusted his jacket") and went into the test centre. Out came the officious little Brit prick with his clipboard and was shown to the vehicle. He opened the door and asked: "Mr. F__________, whose five pound note is that?" "I don't know" said Mr. F__________, "it must be yours!" "Mr. F_______, you've failed!!" barked the examiner and my friend's father had his first taste of British "oddness".
(Roger Darce sold his birthright for a mess of pottage, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 4:01, Reply)

Ahhh, those were the days
Back in the early 80's when an Australian University Education was free and designed to actually educate not make money, we had a cute little Student Allowance scheme for those of us who didn't have Daddy buying us a new car each year. This marvellous invention however came with strings: you had to be classed as a full-time student in order to attain your measly $23 per week - oh what a fortune!

After failing half of first year due to gaining High-Distinctions in debauchery and drinking, I had to retake most of my courses. What this left me with - according to the bureaucratic paper pushers was effectively a part-time degree. Now, the fact that all lectures and tutorials were spread evenly throughout the day and there was not a "day off" in my week eluded those for whom independent thought was an anachronism. So, I had to take a "dummy" course in order to get my hours up... here is where the story really begins. I noticed in the "rules" of the allowance that I had to pass at least 2/3rds of this bogus course. For this my nether regions and liver breathed a sigh of relief.

So, takes Psychology II does I with as much fervour as an English batsman during the fifth test. Now, we had a module "Abnormal Psychology" for which the lecturer thought 50 minutes of dictating the various symptoms of every Abnormal Psychological disease was appropriate higher learning. As you may realise, dear reader, I had absolutely no interest in writing reams of useless facts, I was here to perve (oops, I mean learn).

Cut to the morning of the end of term exam for Abnormal Psychology...

The exam was slated for 9am and as I lived 5 minutes amble from the exam room and had no intention of studying, I thought it a good idea to get totally maggotted the night before.

For those still reading, do you remember the first 5 minutes of Four Weddings and a Funeral? Well, think that as I awoke to the alarm clock saying 9:40am on that fateful morning.

Well, I fairly sprinted out of bed, threw on a tracksuit and ran to the exam room with 30 seconds to spare before cutoff. I did fairly smell of alcohol, cigarettes and serious morning breath, but that phased me not, as there was nobody I was trying to impress.

Question 2 comes up in the exam and its an essay question: "What is Abnormal Psychology?". Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather! In my (probably) still drunken stupor I decided to answer this question by having an absolutely rabid 3 exam book tirade on the values of dictating a course to students wishing to learn something, whilst giving way to fits of giggles as I wrote reams of drivel on how much of a crap lecturer the bloke was.... yes, dear reader, you guessed it, mine was marked by the aforementioned crap (and it came to pass humourless) lecturer.

I was called to his office just before the marks were posted on the notice board. The words he spoke to me are forever etched on my mind: "Mate, if I could have given you a lower mark I would have". My retort? Bloody nothing, thought of a few after though under the influence of Messrs Fosters and Carlton. The mark: 0!

The moral: was given an "Absent Fail" and kept all that lovely Grant Money from the Government, so result all around.

The (eventual) End... I make no excuses for anything!
(AusMark, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 2:43, Reply)

I failed
To notice at work when someone handed me a fake £50 note. I just put it in the till without looking too closely.

Why is this a major failure?

It wasn't even a hint at a good forgery. It was two pieces of paper stuck together.

Failed to get fired as well though, so yay for me!
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 1:58, Reply)

Monasteries
We read a letter written by St. Benedict regarding the proper way to organize a monastery - sort of a closed, mafia-like operation with grandiose pretensions. Then we had to answer the question: "What does this letter say about the political legacy of the Roman Empire?" I answered that Benedict didn't mention the Roman Empire at all, instead focusing on mundane niceties like who was to harvest the grapes and who was to pray.

Analogies always escape me....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 1:34, Reply)

Threesome
Many years ago, I lived above a pub. Upon one night out on the town, I happened to get very, very inebriated and plucked up the courage to ask two (not one but two) girls to come back to my pub for free beer and three way sex.

They refused.

Next morning I wake up underneath a table in my pub with a splitting head ache, and when I crawled out I terrified the cleaner (she thought I was a burglar y'see).

Definately failed at something there.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 1:34, Reply)

Our local paper
Has just run a story on the front page about a new cafe being opened. The residents are apparently complaining because they think it will attract "youths" and make "cooking smells" despite the fact it's going to be open in the daytime serving coffee to little old ladies (and me when I miss the bus)

They completely failed in their complaints to mention that there is a fish and chip shop about two shops away from where the cafe is going to be.

Other comedy headlines this week include:
Rogue fish traders operating in Warwickshire
Members of club share love of old tractors
Church rocks to young band
Shopping trolley firm expands
The tractor factor
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 1:26, Reply)

I failed at teh internets
but b3ta saved me
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Wed 10 Jan 2007, 1:23, Reply)

I once failed a test on the kidney
during a biology lesson. I got a grand total of nil. I (along with two dozen others) was made to retake it during lunch a few days later.

I got 100%, having revised.

I can't think of anything else I've failed at, other than fights.

I'm such a swot.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 23:48, Reply)

So far, I've failed
To post something witty enough to get me in the top QOTW answers. Click I like this if you haven't either :(
(mannitol, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 23:21, Reply)

Oops
I once told a girl in Dublin after a rigorous game of lacrosse that I was "sweating like a Jew in a shower".

She failed to see the funny side.
(davefromkent, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 22:59, Reply)

Failed
Once we had to do a multiple choice test at school in Science or something. One lad (the class bully) hadn't revised so copied the person next to him. What he didn't realise is there were several different papers handed out so people couldn't cheat.

He got 3%.

(Weeks later I accidentally ran into him in the playground and knocked both his front teeth out. You can still see the bloodstain apparantly)
(davefromkent, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 22:52, Reply)

Sorry. I knew I was an epileptic.
I just couldn't stop looking at that strobe light.

...Oh, I thought that said 'flailed'.
( ArthurTheRat, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 21:20, Reply)

Hills.
February, a couple of years ago me n' a mate were attempting Tower Ridge on the north side of Ben Nevis, about 5 or so hours in the weather closed in and we couldn't see more than about two metres away so we were forced to turn back. I blipped a point on my GPS before we left though, turns out we were only 30 metres from the summit (and clear skies) which we did the next day up the tourist route. Bugger.
( Drunken Sod, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 21:12, Reply)

I failed to fail
I failed to fail GCSE Religion, I tried my hardest, I wrote a complete load of anti-nonsense, I used innuendo and tried to mis-interpret the questions.

I got a G#, stupid paedophile twunt of a teacher had dictated a coursework to the the class, and so this meant I missed out on my U. Oh and the # was because I missed one of the exams, the school used the threat of expulsion to make me go to the second exam. I did try phoning up the examining board and telling them I cheated to no avail.

I now have a GCSE in religion :(
(gerg, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 20:21, Reply)

one bad turn leads to another.
Condom failed the night before an exam.

Failed exam due to me spending said exam sobbing about ruined life and planning trip to family planning clinic for morning after pill.

On the whole not the best way to pop your cherry.
(frankiemouse, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 19:18, Reply)

oh shit
failed to withdraw...now got four kids.

damn.
(dukefukem, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 18:06, Reply)

ive failed to understand...
why as a second yr law student i am being made to write 5000words on shakespeare

also failing to understand all this emo shit as a qotw
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Tue 9 Jan 2007, 17:41, Reply)