A guy I used to work with...
"A guy I used to work with...
failed at protecting his computer from a hacker. If anything he'd actually warned the hacker not to bother as he had feck all on his comp other than 3 firewalls and Quake 3 installed on there at the time, but the hacker continued. Most probs because the way he warned him was to leave a notepad message on the hacker's desktop saying "Fuck off, I've got nout!". That's it, just wind up the fecker.

The hacker carried on regardless, and eventually after 3 days got into me mate's comp, and found funnily enough fuck all. In a fit of nerdy rage, he went into the bios remotely and changed the polarity of the hard-drive, burning it out completely and almost taking the rest of the comp with it.

So, ex-work collegue had no hard-drive and had to buy a new one which ended up setting him back at the time a cool £130 (but it was a biggie).

But just before the burnout occured.....he'd printed off every detail of the hacker's attempts before the burnout, and even found out the guy's ip, street name and email address on the comp....oops, happened to be in the UK also. A quick glance in the phonebook and a small bit of deduction and he'd found the guy's name, full address and telephone number.

Apparently he took a day trip upto this guy's house in Devon somewhere and proceeded to beat the living shit out of him, finishing off with a baseball bat pc upgrade. Guess you shouldn't hack off the wrong people"

All lies. Who's lies I'll leave for you to decide.
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 14:43, Reply)

legless's joke reminds me
jeccy failing to to tell an IT joke. I was tempted to reply, but i'm trying to be a sound technician, and i'm not allowed to appear knowledgeable about science or technology. no where is this more apparent than in the world of cables.

I have to repair a fair few cables that idiot guitarist have mangles, broken and chewed, becuase they think that its cool, and that as they have a recording session they have made it (i digress, cunts) However this brings me to my main point The primary diffrence between a cheap XLR/Balanced line(Mic cable) and an expencive one is:

string.

Fucking string. I chop these cable up, put new plugs on them, and test them using various tools to see if i've fucked up and soldered two terminals together. i was also expect some sort of sheilding, not three strands of copper.

Now having done electromagnetic theory, i asked my boss what properties does string give to the signal. apparently it gives a better shape.

knobs

They now want to replace all the mains cables with shielded single crystal shit, despite it being inside an earthed solid metal conduit.
(KaiserPro captain arse rape, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 14:17, Reply)

Maladicta + driving tests = just don't.
I'm relieved to see it's not just me who's bollocksed up their driving test as many times as I have. To date I've taken it three times, my theory has now expired and I can't be arsed any more.

Anyway, I was put in for my first test after about 20 lessons, way way before I should have been. I got something like 26 minors, 4 majors, and ruined my instructor's hubcap by scraping it against the kerb trying to parallel park.

The second time, I waited a year and drove practically everywhere I could. The waiting list at the time was 16 weeks so I had plenty of time to practice and conquer the one thing that was still holding me back. Being a small girly, I find it stupidly difficult to reverse around a corner, as to look back I have to twist in my seat, my foot comes off the clutch and the car shoots backwards and/or stalls. Great.

Anyway, on my second test (where the examiner looked like Shadrach from Emmerdale), I got given a nice parallel park, and then he took me off to reverse around a corner. Fuck. Having been yelled at by my instructor in the lesson beforehand (the same man who told me to run over a pheasant - see Road Rage) about going too wide, I decided to pull the car in as far as I could without hitting the kerb.

Bump.

On the third attempt about six months later, I got given the same route, and yes, the same corner. This examiner was a miserable git who looked like Charles Hawtrey, and remembering what happened last time, I pulled the car out a little wider. Way too wide this time, apparently, as he replied to my suggestion that I straighten up a bit with "I don't thnk you'll gain anything from that,".

The homicidal urges when someone smugly tells me they passed first time are subsiding these days.
( Maladicta, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 13:34, Reply)

OK, I'll admit...
I had already failed my driving test (see below) by the time I tried to kill the bus queue.

Apparantly, the following tend to be frowned upon by examiners:

* Shouting “get your fucking truck out of the road!” to a lorry driver who had jack-knifed in the centre of Henley, as I allowed the car to roll back slowly under the front axle of a dust cart.

* Trying to go the wrong way round the one way system to avoid said dust cart and jack-knifed lorry.

* Beeping and waving at a mate, whilst shouting "Oi oi Marteeee!" out of the window.

No sense of humour, these people.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 13:28, Reply)

New Romantic Driving Test Woe
My friend Cliff actually wrote off his car and a passing Audi during his driving test, and passed after a successful appeal. Encouraged by this turn of events, I arrived at the test centre expecting an easy ride.

Fat chance. The examiner - a W H Smith - was on his first day back at work after a long lay-off caused by another killer driving test, and was determined to make someone suffer. Me. Faced with a New Romantic in a black, frilly coat and just a smidge of eye make-up, he knew he had a victim.

I thought I did pretty well, then, all things considered. I reversed round a corner, did a hill start and made a three-point turn, all very smoothly indeed. It was coming down Grays Road in Henley on the way back to the Test Centre that things went horribly wrong.

"Bear left after the bus stop", said Smith.

So I did. BUT! My frilly cuffs got caught on the light stalk and things went tits from there.

Big thanks to the half-a-dozen or so in the bus queue for jumping out of the way so quickly, or they would have been jam. Unfortunately, the fence and row of bins weren't quite so lucky, and wood and shit flew all over the street.

I did, then, what any teenage driver might do in the circumstances. I floored it, just as Smith pulled on the hand brake, causing an excellent 180 degree skid in the middle of Henley.

I thought it was excellent. He didn't.

I passed second time. New Rom was so over by then.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 13:23, Reply)

My exams....
start on Tuesday and finish on the 19th.

So can I get back to you lot on this?
(puggs, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 12:44, Reply)

Failure with the ladies.
Boring topic, but this is a good story.

So, I'm in the hotel bar in Faliraki with my mate, Wod, who decides that since it's Wednesday, and there's a load of tourists coming in that day, we should just sit at the bar, wait for the new lot to come in and prowl the ladies with a few cocktails to hand.

As luck should have it, these two lovely specimens join us at the bar, and we get talking.

After a bit I ask one of them where they're from. Now, I'm a bit deaf, and combine that with being a bit pissed at this point and you've got a young version of Eric Sykes.

So when she says 'Warsaw', I say 'well, that's a bit odd, because you've the strongest Brummie accent for someone who's Polish'.

Then in all seriousness she replies, 'I said Walsall'.

Oh dear.

Exit Scentless and his mate, and off into Faliraki to be entertained by the chav hordes kicking the crap out of each other.

Length? I'm more of a girth man, myself.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 12:43, Reply)

failed but in a good way
My first big failure was my French a-level. I didn't care because in my happy go lucky way I did an art AS and managed to get into a University. In Northern Ireland. Now, being a foolish and strangely attractive (no honest) young English boy, with as much knowledge about "the troubles" as particle dynamics, I went across with my heart held high.

The main failure of my entire time studying was "Failure to understand the seriousness of the situation"

I got off the ferry and realised that the police had guns. Not in a jolly French "look we have guns and silly hats" sort of way, but big fuck off guns. This was 1992 and the cease fire was just a happy little idea amongst optimists.

So, after a couple of nights in the bar singing away with the boys I failed to understand the significance of the songs in that funny heathen Irish language. One of my mates explained some time later that Big G was a major IRA sympathiser, a psycho and had anti English violence in his blood, and the only reason that I had escaped with my knees intact was that I had confused the fuck out of him and hadn't been intimidated. From then on Big G treated me like a "special child".

I failed to understand what happened when my friend was asked to burn out a car... later learned it was to remove evidence of a UVF beating. Who was I to worry? I didn't realise.

I failed to realise the offence that was caused by producing the SU Magazine in the only paper colours that we had. Red White And Blue. It lasted one issue after our editor got threatening phone calls, about his family and petrol bombs.

I failed to get laid too. Fucking Catholic Girls, all tease and no put out... though I think it may have been my complete misunderstanding of their culture.

But the big lesson is to pretend nothing is wrong and get drunk, it confuses the fuck out of people.

Failure to be concise is also one of my traits :-)


p.s. on the faliure to get laid bit. It was just the locals who avoided me. The ex pats and overseas students were only too happy to lend a hand... or whatever...
(rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die., Sun 7 Jan 2007, 12:19, Reply)

Failed rock star
World Domination by 1985. That was our plan.

I could have been the next Pete Doherty.
(><(((">, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 11:50, Reply)

Foreign language shenanigans
Cape Town, 1987. My dad landed a job out there designing bits of an oil platform and naturally myself and my mother flew out to join him. I was quickly enrolled at a local school. Anyway, I was issued a form exempting me from having to study Afrikaans, much to my relief.

Anyway, bored of sitting in class reading a magazine for the millionth time, I join in with the recital of the alphabet in Afrikaans (note, yes it is different to English) and feeling full of pride, I attept a particularly harsh and guttoral sentence in front of the class at the prompting of a classmate called Lionel in my class who'd earlier translated a particular Afrikaans limeric for me about giving up masturbation (you can probably see where this is going, can't you?).

Thankfully my teacher, Mrs Van Rijswik was sympathetic to my plight, so I was saved the indignity of having to explain to the head of year why I'd just addressed the room thus (paraphrased):

"Between my legs I have a big cock"

I still blush at the shame.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Sun 7 Jan 2007, 11:33, Reply)

latin...
ploughed my a-level mock after 2 years of fighting with the teachers with a 12% U that nearly drove one of them to an early grave (gah, i should have tried harder, tatty old witch).

my lovely english teacher left a note for me in registration one day. it said, "rswipe! it took me days to find this quote from lord derby: 'The more one thinks about Latin the easier it is to see why the Roman Empire fell'"

anyone who had to study the heinousness of metella in horto est and caecilius pater est will appreciate it... however, happy ending for me as i actually aced the a-level, so i guess the failure is actually on the part of the latin teaching anti-trinity to suck out my soul...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 10:06, Reply)

Jeccy..
.
I failed to believe your tale about the hacker who got into your mates BIOS and:

"changed the polarity of the hard-drive, burning it out completely"

Did he also scramble the dilithium crystals and leave Kryptonite lying about?

And he didn't, God forbid,"cross the streams???"


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 10:02, Reply)

@murphrich: ancient language? me too.
Bloody Latin. Quote (my parents):"Once you master Latin, you can learn Italian, Spanish and French easily". Yeah right. Once I master Latin. I didn't even come close. I learned French though. Just not the language....
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Sun 7 Jan 2007, 9:52, Reply)

A Hard Life
I am currently failing at maintaining sanity and trying to keep hold of my husband. So Isabeau Dove (not name used on b3ta),he told me you took your current job because you needed to continue to see him every day. I can’t continue like this.

I have asked for a divorce, but he says I am his life and he will never leave me. I can’t be the one to make the break because I love him too much.

You are the strong one Isabeau and the fate of us all is now in your hands. You have manipulated our paths and you are now in control of all 3 of our lives. It is now up to you to work out the agenda for the future (a bit more work for you)and we will all follow it. Don’t forget to let me have a copy.

Failing at keeping my mouth shut any longer

Apologies if inappropriate post for QOW
(waterbabe, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 7:59, Reply)

The blood Test
The CSA Better refund my money, the twats.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Sun 7 Jan 2007, 6:41, Reply)

Failed, sure did
YAY! First post

I passed my driving test the second time, the first was about a year ago when i was young naive and prov lisence. the instructor took me down a road leading to a place called
shireoaks which has a very thin road with a newsagents. i hit is at precisely the wrong moment and day, saturday at 9:30AM. as not only is it a struggle to get two cars down the road when it's empty but there are cars parked along one side for at least 100 metres with no place to pull in.

never driven there since and have never wanted too.
(commodore modesty, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 2:46, Reply)

Heehee
I feel so much better now, having failed my driving test just a month ago!

May be a depressng subject, but your answers have cheered me up XD

I belive I only failed because of a stationary Lorry and Bus that I could have squeezed past but didn't, and choosing both lanes on the roundabout instead of the right one.

Was so nervous my leg was shaking on the clutch (no accidents) although I constantly flung the tester man onto the dashboard with my harsh braking. Never done it before so I put it down to nerves. Don't think he was too happy though.

I also couldn't see to start with, that didn't help either. Getting my eyes checked again soon, next test in February!
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 1:46, Reply)

Good Old Driving Tests eh?
My first one involved a pretentious old bat, who looked like she should had been dead years ago. For some strange reasons unbeknown to every instructor in Oxfordshire, I was taken off the test route and down this road. It was tight and slopely rather like a nuns passage, and being the driving test virgin I was, decided to take this corner on a slope at a trusty 5 MPH.

Before I could even change down to first gear on this steep slope, the old bat slammed on the brakes and grabbed the steering wheel!! I was like,

"What the hell you doing!" before she replied.

"You Almost hit that wall! I had to stop the car in the interest of safety!"

I flipped my lid. "It's at least 20 meters away!"

"Yes, but you were going too fast!"

Well cunt me in the fuck! If five whole spectacularly face shredding miles an hour is too fast I would have taken a friggin turtle to my test that day. Maybe then I wouldn't have added another 3 serious faults to my score during the test cos I was seriously pissed off!

Well I've passed now! But it's proof that old people should be banned on roads full stop!
(Spluff McDuff You Love It. You Slag!, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 1:36, Reply)

The first driving test
2 minutes of the test left, 200 yards from the driving centre, at a junction at the top of a hill, with traffic behind me. Instead of moving off in 1st I select reverse and miss the guy behind by an inch. Only got 4 minors as well, which was a bitch.

It was worth it for the look of complete surprise on the examiners face and the "I've never even heard of someone failing for that before" comments from my instructor on the way home.
(manifold, Sun 7 Jan 2007, 0:26, Reply)

bollo
just had an interview and failed miserably :-( feckit - back to the day job!
(whatktdid, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 23:42, Reply)

An Easy Life
Left my last teaching job because of all the stress and politics at the school and thought I'd have an easier time at another school.

Did supply teaching for a few weeks finally getting a permanent job doing supply at the school my lover and husband work at. And then got promoted to History teacher despite not being a history specialist. This has resulted in a tonne of extra work for me - hence failing at having the Easy Life I desired when leaving my last job...

Oh and I did the driving test thing four or five times before I passed.

And the walking into the last exam of my degree and just putting my name on the paper before walking out as I couldn't understand a bloody word of what they were asking.
( PagDrag don't think we're in kansas anymore toto..., Sat 6 Jan 2007, 23:33, Reply)

penile failure
I one had a friend who failed at wanking, yes, thats right, he failed at wanking.

Whilst attempting to "shake the sticky white coconuts from the veiny love tree", he got a priapism - which for those of you less familiar with penile disorders, is when blood may only flow into the penis and not out again...

....so he had to be rushed to A&E....
( RANCID TESTICLE I AM GALACTUS, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 23:05, Reply)

I'm about to
FAIL my exam on Wednesday because I just CAN'T STUDY ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's the loony-bin for me next.
(Vomitoxin offers castrations for free, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 22:34, Reply)

First Attempt at Driving Test
I remember failing my first driving test; I was in a line of traffic outside our town's railway station - lots of people and traffic - I didn't realise that in front of my was a pedestrain crossing, because I was too low down to see the traffic lights which were practically above my head.

Naturally of course, they changed to red just as the traffic start to moved on, the examiner applied the brakes, but hey - at lesat it was towards the end of the exam, and I didn't spend a whole hour knowing I'd flunked.
(Factorandvibration, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 22:32, Reply)

Failed?
Im Saddam Hussein
(b3taWoo no<-*in the middle of*->where., Sat 6 Jan 2007, 22:13, Reply)

I failed at knowing about God.
I originally went to university to study Theology. I thought this would be all cunning and interesting. It wasn't. It was the dullest class I'd ever taken.

I hated it. I hated it with a firey passion, but the university was somewhat unhappy about people switching from their chosen degree subjects. My options stood at four years of course that I hated or dropping out of university. I didn't want to do either. So I went for option c...

I went to my exam. I read the first question, which was something along the lines of "Why do Christians believe there is sin in the world?" But with more big words cause it's a university.

I thought for a moment, and then wrote:

"There is sin in the world because God hates us. All of us. Even you.

See you in the resit."

And walked out.

I didn't go to the resit. And failed my degree course. I got to change then!

(By the way, I only failed by 5%. Apparently I got some credit for my answer!)
(The Oncoming Storm, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 22:03, Reply)

I failed at
not being awesome :(
(Sun King ga ga ga ga ga, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 21:11, Reply)

I'm
in my final year at uni and am about to sit my first semester exams in a few days which i know i will fail. Basically i'm gonna fail uni in all and have wasted probably 10 grand of my parents money! oh how i hate uni!

so no failurer as yet, buts inevitably gonna happen in the next month! :(
(ALFIN Hasn't urinated since, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 20:59, Reply)

Physics
well i'm about to fail GCSE physics due to my teacher failing to
notice that i've spent the last 2 years listening to my ipod
instead.

.
(i eat crayons, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 20:03, Reply)

Failed to do a PhD
Got a place at a certain university in St Louis that thinks it's better than the Ivy League. Within a week of arriving my PhD supervisor assaulted me. He did so repeatedly over the next few months. My roommate told me to suck it up and deal. Eventually I made a formal complaint, which was ignored by the university. I left the US and returned home in £1000s of debt for having moved continents twice in 9 months. I later found out my supervisor had been knobbing my roommate.

That was over 2.5 years ago. I'm still in severe debt, and my academic career is over. It's all I ever wanted to do from the age of 3, and now I'm a secretary. Every time I read a news story about my subject, I feel like a total loser. And I'm convinced my scientist friends wonder why I'm hanging round with them when I still haven't been able to get a place at a British university.

Maybe I should have sucked it up and dealt.
(Mrs Lawofnations, Sat 6 Jan 2007, 19:46, Reply)