Librarians
Probably because I imagine its their secret identity and actually they are Bat-Girl.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 17:34, Reply)

Closet
No, not fucking in the style of Anne Frank. More to do with a guy I dated for 3 months who only managed to fuck me well once in all that time. His fetish, if this counts, was this - the only way he wanted to shoot his considerable load was for me to wank him off whilst stuffing as many of my fingers as far up his arse as I could before feeling like Matthew Corbett. He briefly fell in love with me when I got tired of having dirty fingernails and started using a dildo. I mean seriously, every fucking time we "fucked" this was it. Very boring and he usually complained about the noise as I finished myself off afterwards (following the judicious use of a nailbrush).

I dumped him. On Valentine's Day - well he did so like to be shafted.

And who am I to condemn him? I like it when my other half is clean shaven and I can imagine it's a chick licking my clit, I find watching lesbopron complements this wonderfully.
(LilyDee, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 17:32, 1 reply)

Cosmo Smallpiece....
Redheads...gasp, splutter
Pregnant women....gasp, splutter, cough
Pregnant redheads... ooohhh knickers knackers knockers....

(apologies to Les Dawson, he could have done it so much better.)
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 17:25, 1 reply)

Beer
Always gets me in the mood.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 17:12, Reply)

A lisp
There's something attrative about a lisp. Is it just me?
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 17:08, 2 replies)

I loves
amputees and monopeds (currently tugging off to Cbeebies)
(MistahG, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 16:41, Reply)

Fetish clubs
The handsome man in full nazi uniform who was there every week, he never seemed to cop off with anyone.
I was quite surprised to find out he was actually a sub, and was waiting for someone to approach him.
Talk about giving out mixed signals.
The rather creepy man who used to stand near the door of the ladies loo all night, have a brief word with any woman who went in, and solicitously hold open the door.
Aw bless him i thought, he must have a being a doorman fetish.
Until he asked me if I needed the loo and if i did could he watch me pee?
As getting in and out of a rubber outfit to use the bathroom was something I saved till we got home, I gracefully declined.
The man who liked to be whipped by women until his back resembled a raw burger.
I do believe he went on to appear in some very hard core fetish films.
And a TENS machine, with the power cranked up and crocodile clips attached can have some interesting results.
fun times :)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 16:28, 2 replies)

pea(spit)roast
Wafer thin (first posted on foodsex question)

Many moons ago, long before the lovely Mrs Spimf happened along I had another young lady on the go, and blimey did she go. Up to all sorts (no this isn’t about liquorice) I’ve never really understood the food sex thing, the aerosol cream can and the mimsy were never destined to be happy bedfellows and I find it disconcerting to have a saveloy in the room during coitus. Similarly the alfresco thing escapes me: if I want a Cornetto I can do so without the slightest of hint lasciviousness and if I fancy some sexual intercourse then I find soft furnishings compliment the act quite satisfactorily.

Nevertheless young and keen to experiment I agreed to kill two birds with one cone. A picnic rug and (sensibly) a cool box were sourced along with some of Wall’s best selling chilled confectionary (Chocolate & Hazelnut naturally). We found a spot in the moonlight in some (slightly creepy) local woodland.

Despite my apprehensions my young hormones were unperturbed at the prospect of calorific copulation. I won’t dwell on the frippery, I’m not an erotic writer, I'll leave that to Mr Spankey et al. To be honest I was somewhat unsure what to do, clearly I was aware some degree of smearing and quite possibly insertion was required. My first attempt at ice cream carnal capers was to insert the Cornetto into my eager young partner’s rather splendid mimsy – pointy end first mind, she wasn’t a slag. This quickly left me bereft of ideas and things were melting fast. Ah! cunnilingus I thought – hurrah! In our comfy mossy spot under the creepy tree I crouched down and set to work, lapping alternately at clitoris and cream based confectionary with vigor – buoyed by my newly found decadence I decided to see if I could push some of the chopped nuts up her slippery balloon knot with my tongue, shifting down I set to work. This quickly proved ill advised, my adventurous young filly was suddenly possessed by a fit off giggles which served to force the Cornetto back out and on to my forehead and push melted ice cream into my eyes. As I recoiled the Cornetto remained stuck to my temple at a somewhat rakish angle – more giggles. I’ve never looked good wearing a hat. Humiliation was setting in quickly.

Happily my filthy little friend realised this and reached into the cool box and grabbed another Cornetto whilst deftly plucking the spent one from my forehead, tossing it in the air with impressive abandon. My fumblings were quickly forgotten as she tugged at my trousers. I can safely say the first time an ice cream cone is applied to the end of ones throbbing member is a moment never forgotten. With a wicked glint in her eye she knelt down, pushed the ice cream further down my hot shaft then suddenly lunged and bit down hard on the end of the cone! As soon as my pulse returned to mere humming bird levels I began to enjoy this impromptu porno picnic.

All too soon nearly all the ice cream had been eagerly sucked and devoured and my own churns were stirring, as my little minx delivered one last suck something terrible happened – as I flung my head back in ecstasy – the discarded cunnilingus cone felt out of the branches above where it had been lobbed with lusty abandon – smack in my bloody eye. This caused me to thrust forward, pushing the bell-end Cornetto halfway down the poor girls throat, I’ll never forget the horrible choking noise echoing through the woodland; like a lone goose honking at sunset, in fact I realised the whole situation was fast becoming my own willy honker and the chocolate hat tree.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 16:05, 2 replies)

Violet Beauregarde
This is an "it happened to a friend of a friend story" so I can't exactly vouch for its veracity, but it certainly made my mind boggle.

Friend of Friend (I cannot even remember his name; I met him once and he was rather creepy) thought he was a perfectly normal young man living in Berkshire. He enjoyed porn and sex and wanking and all the usual things young men like. There was, however, a sense of something being missing from his repertoire.

One evening, he settled down with friends to watch the classic nightmare fuel Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Around rolls the seminal scene in which Violet Beauregarde chews gum and begins to turn into a blueberry.

Friend of Friend responds to this scene with an unprecedentedly enormous erection. Not only did he receive his sexual awakening, discovering his love of inflating blue lolitas, but his friends are also alerted to the fact.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 15:58, 2 replies)

Maybe someone can shed some light on this...
A mate in the pub told me there was a woman in Germany who married the Berlin Wall after falling in love with it.

She had sex with it and EVERYTHING!!!

Or, possibly, this might be complete and utter pub convo bollocks...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 15:52, 11 replies)

this is fucking creepy
lady masks
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 15:47, 1 reply)

right the only thing that will liven up this dullfest is some honesty
ok, so i had a girlfriend once, who liked me to wear plastic incontinence pants with a banana and a full jar of toffee sauce down them. she then liked to take me to tescos where she would look at bannoffee pies, not touch mind, just look. she would then then take me home in a highly excitable state, sit me down then slap me in the face and ask why i was too miserable to buy her a banoffee pie and complain about the state of my trousers.

no i didn't understand it either.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 15:35, 4 replies)

My cock was never going to be enough…

Her name was Kelly and she was my first ‘real fling’. She was pretty and cute as a button, with her pony tail and a lithe young figure that made me the envy of all the boys in our fifth year. She and I would kiss and fondle somewhat on our break-times and had even gone through the ‘parental introduction’ stage...but inevitably, our body clocks were ticking like veritable time bombs inside both of us and we knew that things were going to progress.

We were young, ready for action, and keen to experiment.

One evening, I picked her up from cheerleading practice and we ventured tentatively back to her place to do some homework. However, as she led me through her front door, she informed me that her parents had gone away for the entire weekend and had entrusted us to ’behave’ in the house on our own! – The gullible fools!

Within seconds we had stripped down to the natties and were getting hot-n-heavy on her bed. “I want you…” she said with a throaty, assured tone that belied her young years. They were the single greatest words I had ever heard.

After a few meaningful prods up her moist moip my pent-up teenage spluff dam burst, and I yoinked what felt like half the River Ganges up her, before rolling off and congratulating myself for a job well done, and giving myself a metaphorical ‘high five’ (in my head).

Although I suddenly felt the overwhelming desire to have a bit of a sleep, I then thought I’d better do the decent thing. “Erm... how was it for you then?” I enquired meekly, not really caring about the reply.

“Well actually…” she then enquired purposefully: “…Aren’t you going to...'finish me off'?...”

Realising my selfishness, I sighed before dutifully nodding and sliding my fingers in a half-arsed fashion down towards her gunge-filled gash before delving down and delicately slipping my finger inside what felt uncannily like the slop tray underneath a Guiness tap in the pub.

She responded instantly, and moaned so appreciatively that my flaccid unit was soon starting to twitch yet again.

“More…..more” she whimpered enthusiastically. I took the hint and before I knew it I had gone from a two-fingered ‘Twix’ to the full 4-fingered ‘Kit Kat’. At this point I even considered putting my thumb up her chutney cupboard and using her as a bowling ball, but I was then distracted by her crying out once again….

“More…MORE!”

My suspicions that she was not perhaps as ‘inexperienced’ as I was then started to surface when she continued begging for yet more girth to be hoofed up her quivering, cavernous chuff. In a flash of almost panicked desperation I inserted my entire fist inside her vag and started working frantically away - giving her the full ‘right jab’ treatment as if I was Mike Tyson going whoopass at a punchbag...with tits.

It became increasingly apparent that her fetish was to have something as large as humanly possible jammed into her monumental muffpouch, because she still didn’t seem satisfied. Sure, she inevitably came, and the resulting gushage looked like someone had tipped half a gallon of Baileys into a bucket of wallpaper paste before splooshing the resultant smoothie over the sheets, but the forlorn look in her eye told me that she had experienced better before.

The next night I decided to make more of an effort...and sure enough – after my brief yet satisfying thrunges up her cathedral-sized clammy clopper I realised that the time was nigh to send her to ‘pissflap paradise’ and I soon found myself in the familiar position of being knuckle-deep into her frothing meaty metro system.

I stuck one hand in…and then the other. She arched her back but still easily managed to accommodate the extra limb. I was running out of ideas. Since her eyes were closed I figured it wouldn’t ruin the mood too much what I did, so I briefly pulled out before doing a quick ‘switcheroo’ and inserting one foot, and then the other, up her gaping, dripping, welcoming vertical axe-wound.

She grunted with pleasure as I bent my knees and began laboriously bench-pressing away at her battered beefy quim....I then heard the words that I had now grown to fear like icy daggers through my skull…

“MORE!!!...MORE!!!!”

I looked around for inspiration but the only thing within reach was one of those odd-shaped ‘Ali-baba’ washing baskets shaped like R2D2. I went for broke, reached over and inserted the whole thing inside her in one swift motion. Although her legs seemed stretched to capacity, she seemed to take it in her stride, and continued grinding on the woven bamboo droid impersonator like it was a lubed up rocking horse.

However, pumping away with that thing was knackering and I still sensed the nagging doubt that she was not fully satisfied. I have to admit my confidence was shattered and I seriously considered giving up there and then. I finally realised that I had to break up with her the next day when she started eyeing up my Grandad’s rusty old Ford Fiesta and suggesting we use it as a as sex-toy.

Please bear this story in mind, people – these fetishes might start off as a bit of fun, but they can soon escalate into something out of control.

The last time I saw her she was being escorted away by the Parisian Police with her kex round her ankles after she was caught trying to straddle the Eiffel tower…
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 15:30, 13 replies)

*Fwap fwap*

obligatory kitten post
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 15:29, 1 reply)

Golden showers
I'd very much like to lie in a bath whilst a lady pisses all over me and in my mouth. I've never tried it though, as it's difficult to find people willing to perform it. I've tried lying on my back with a stiff on and pissing into my own face, but it's just not doing it for me.

Anyone else like to be pissed on, or think they might but don't know because everyone is too fucking repressed to try it?
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 15:25, 9 replies)

not me...
but a girl I knew, had an ex who used to cry "banarama!" at the point of no return. So, that'll be a Men Behaving Badly fetish them. Weird. Although I reckon both Leslia Ash and Caroline Quentin would know how to wear a saveloy down to a cocktail sausage - it's them actor types, you know - depraved the lot of 'em!
(Chad, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 15:14, Reply)

Corsets
Give me the raging horn. The current Mrs Spark is very obliging, she often lets me splurge a paycheck here:

www.fairygothmother.com/

NSFW, ladies in skimpy clothes
(Psymon_Spark Jesus Saves! The rest of you take 4d6 damage, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:54, 7 replies)

A new twist on using the car:
my ex-boss told me her husband liked her to take off all her clothes, put on her coat and go and sit in their car. He would then walk past the car and as he did so, she would let her coat 'slip open'.
He would then go back into the house.
She was about five feet tall and five feet round. He was a moron.
( thealternativefact, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:43, 2 replies)

Traffic Wardons.
I fucking love traffic wardon roleplay. I put on my traffic wardon costume (I'm not a really one, I got one from here), and get my partner to park just inside some double yellow lines. I get my Psion, little notebook and casio digital camera. I take some photos of him parking in the lines. I make sure I get the right messurements and put them into the PDA.

I then go for a walk for a little bit, about half an hour plus ten minuites grace, and I come back and start writtin a ticket. My partner, in the mean time, comes back from the pub and sees me writting this down. He then comes at me, all manly and butch, shouting "You can't give me a ticket !", "Sorry sir, you're in the double yellows, and I've already started writting it down", "Please man, I need this car, and I can't afford to pay the fine". We then have a heated debate as to my self worth, he calls me a jobsworth cunt and all that, and I act calm and rationaly. It ends with me giving him a ticket.

Then within 28 days, I go around to his house, he could be doing anything at the time, and I tell him "You've got to pay the fine". I then get another friend to play the part of a juniour court clerk so we can play a bit of role-play contesting the fine.

I won't get into all the sex part of thing on here, don't want people to think i'm weird, but it doesn't take much imagination to see where it can fit in. Loads of opertunity to have sex in that 28 days.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:23, 4 replies)

ee i'm right durty me

As much as it is a huge improvement on the rabid flesh ripping of last week (that Flidmong bloke was a right cunt) this question, after initial tumescence, has become somewhat flaccid.

Can we just be clear; a fetish is not saying ‘I like tits’ or ‘I shagged a girl once and she was so filthy she even took it up the arse’. This is very normal vanilla behaviour.

Things like ‘I can only attain wood with a saveloy, some cricket pads and a vat of Swarfega in the room’ are more in line with what we hope to hear. Or;

‘I like to have my pubes set on fire and wear bulldog clips on my eyelids while being forced to watching reruns of Rent-a-ghost’.

Damn it we’re British, we’re supposed to be more repressed and depraved than ‘I quite like jumpers’

Bring on the shit blisterers, sheep felchers and melon gougers. We want the real sickos, right down to those who would do the ginger one in Girls Aloud.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:20, 13 replies)

Pink Thongs
Just read this article on the BBC news website:

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/8322441.stm

Who says Glasgow's just drug dealers and murderers?
( Fat Fred too weird to live, too rare to die, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:18, 2 replies)

One of the sexiest things ever...
was taking an ex out to a formal dinner, then stripping off her gown and laying her naked aside from the strappy high heels on the bonnet of the car under the full moon.

Girls, if you ever want to make Nicole Kidman look like Dot Cotton, wear your sexy shoes and nicest dress, go for a romantic evening, then strip slowly in the moonlight for your fella. Trust me, his brains will dribble out of his ears and you can get him to do anything you ask at that point - it's the combination of the naughtiness of it being outside, the flush it brings to your skin being an extra turn-on and the sheer audacity. If you ever want him to sign his life savings over to you, that's the time to ask him!
(Chad, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:13, 3 replies)

American Psycho
I don't know if anyone else does this, but when doing the missus from behind, I can't resist pointing at my self in the mirror and running my hand through my hair a la Patrick Bateman.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 14:01, 4 replies)

My wife
loves it when I talk dirty to her in German. Now I find this a bit odd, my native language is hardly the language of love.

Once though instead of talking dirty I explained how to do a database restore in SQL. It seems just the tone of voice and German will do it for her. Ah bless!
(zebby wasting irony here on, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:54, 8 replies)

Show of hands...
Who, when asked if they wanted to give roleplay a go, thought it was time to dust off the Heroquest box and order pizza?

Just me, then...

As far as other kinks/fetishes go, I am up for most things, but I have to say there was a period after breaking up with a long-term ex that I went heavily into the meet-screw-move-on cycle and I have to say that there was a point where I ran an experiment to find the sluttiest girl I could.

I think the winner was the girl from Chatham who, having met me in her local pub (her house was hard to find), proceded to fellate me outside her front door. At two in the afternoon. In full view of the neighbours. Then stripped off as soon as we got in the door and we proceded to have noisy sex in the lounge, with her bent over the sofa back Ben-Dover style. With the curtains open. With her screaming some fairly fruity instructions.

If you've never taken a girl up the wrong 'un whilst the neighbour tries to mow the lawn and pretend he's not watching you haven't lived. It helps to be fairly cynical and also to live far enough away that you can be totally shameless and not worry about your reputation being damaged!

So, I guess the only real kink I have ever had is a great enjoyment in acting like a debauched bastard with girls who were more than willing to join in. God bless you all, ladies - you act like butter wouldn't melt, but get you in the mood and there's not a girl out there who wouldn't make Jenna Jameson blush under the right circumstances. Ladies, you're far dirtier than us fellas dreamed of and we're usually too scared to ask. Once in a while, let yourself go and be the freak you know you are! ;-)
(Chad, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 13:54, Reply)