I can say from experience
the phrase 'fight fire with fire' should not be taken literally.
(shiftClick, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 17:08, Reply)

In my mouth.
I was attempting to light matches on my teeth (like John Wayne) when the tip of the match ignited, broke off and fell between gum and bottom lip. The sensation was like being squrted with fire from my gums. This lasted lasted 3 seconds; then a second of panic before the pain kicked in and stayed for some time.

My front lower lip looked deseased for a good month afterwards. However as everyone had worse acne than me at the time I didn't really stand out.

Success.
( Your Mum, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 17:04, Reply)

petril
My dad was working on his bike and had drained some black substance into a tray (oil/petril i assume). So i find this tray and think "I wonder if its flamable" 1 lighter later and the whole tray has blasted into flames, along with my jumper sleave. after much running about i put my sleave out, only to see the flames from the tray getting very near the garege roof. I then see a half drunk cup of tea sitting on the side, which i throw into the flames. This causes it burst into a fireball and catch the roof on fire. Then dad comes out, goes mental and rings 999
(JLB8, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 16:58, Reply)

Dear insignificantsnivellinglittleturd
Dear young man. I am the strange man of which you talk of on that bus. I am slightly deaf and instead of using Oil OF Cloves i infact used Oil Of Gloves and have since conracted arthritis of the ears. Anyway you should come and sit next to me on the bus next time, your very cute you know!!
(Mapper, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 16:39, Reply)

Ah...the great school fire of 82
there used to be a building site at the end of our school field...and being "little tykes" we'd always jump the fence and play in the house shells...it was when we used to have summers where all the long grass would dry up...anyway I was into flicking lit matches at close friends, you know you hold the match box in one hand index finger on the end of the match with the match head on the striker and 'flick' the match with the other hand towards your target which would cause the match to ignite as it took to the air...there was a really long hedge sparating said building site from school...and contained in this hedge were a few very old oak trees in various states of life, but mostly dead or drying out. in this hedge which was raised on a bank was a very large colony of wasps...so i decided my next assault would be upon said nest..so I started flicking away and yes the whole bank went up it wasn't long before the hedge caught alight and then a couple of the oak trees went up like bloody great torches...suffice to say I didn't stay around long enogh to see the 3 fire engines turn up...that evening the local constab did the old sweep of the estate looking to educate the tearaways...but by that time i'd bathed and changed...having been caught out previously, after setting fire to our next door neighbours garage, due to the smell of Tiger Tim firelighters and smoke.
(Murun Buchstansangur's hairpiece, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 16:37, Reply)

Ive always been relatively careful around fire of course...
But there was the time I set fire to the curtains using only a toaster and some bread :S ... and the countless times ive accidentaly lit small fires on myself (im not sure how)
oh how interesting im not!
(chrismuzz, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 16:27, Reply)

Burn baby burn (continued)
I spoke to the old man the next night, and he said he had indeed had a very bad earache. I recommended some oil of cloves and that seemed to do the trick.

It keeps getting weirder doesn't it.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 16:08, Reply)

Burn baby burn
Many moons ago I was on a bus from Gloucester to the village I lived in when something really strange happened.

The bus stopped and an old man got on. He was holding the side of his head as if he had a very bad earache, I was the only other passenger, it was late October, 6.45pm and was dark outside.

As I said the bus was completely empty but the old man shuffled along the aisle until he reached my seat, he stared at me for a second and seemed to mumble something under his breath. He then walked on, but sat immediately behind me. As the bus pulled away I was sure he mumbled something again.

I felt very uncomfortable.

After about 10 minutes the old man got up from his seat, still with his hand to the side of his head and walked towards the driver. I was very relieved that he was no longer behind me, but I had a horible feeling that something terrible was about to happen.

As he drew level with the driver he turned to face me and smiled whilst lowering his hand from his head.

I was petrified, as the bus driver seemed oblivious of the mans presence, and the bus was motoring along dark lanes at high speed.

Then the old man reached up and pressed the button to tell the driver to stop at the next bus stop.

As the old man got off the bus and walked down the side towards me, he looked up and smiled. It was then that I recognised him.....it was the old man who got on the bus every night and sat behind me.

I normally had a chat with him most nights, but I had not recognised him with his hand on the side of his head.

Spooky man.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 16:03, Reply)

Ahh the joys of youth.
Went on holiday to Jersey when I was 15. New to smoking, drinking and those curious top shelf magazines you could'nt get in Ireland. Three days into the trip, I went for a smoke on the second floor of the hotel (I was staying on the first, stupid or what?) Decided to amuse meself by burning small plastic bin in toilet where I was enjoying my crafty fag. Crushed fag out in sink, left toilet, went and joined mother on ground floor. 5 minutes later fire alarms ringing,hotel evacuated.
The jersey Police did their jobs to the highest standard and as a result I was banned for 2 years from the Island. As well as a night in a care home(that was more scary than the courts!!!)
Revenge on police and that dried up old bitch who grassed me out.
Total damage cost: £7500.
( Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 15:30, Reply)

I heated a poker red hot
In my house I have an open fire, and when it gets going there are red glowing embers at rthe bottom. One day I decided to heat up a poker in it. I left it, and on my return I found it glowing. When I put it onto a flammable object e.g. some wood stacked by the fire for burning, the object caught fire. Not being able to put it down, I went outside to cool it in a puddle, and saved my house from burning down.
( Greenbat, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 15:24, Reply)

Smoke charge/Kitchen Mayhem
Had to de-lurk for this one!

About 7 years ago my bestest bud and I went on a general firebug/random vandalism spree. The story in question went like this. Said mate and I depart to garden centre to buy a certain Nitrate Fertiliser, which when mixed with melted sugar and then lit produces splendid plumes of thick white smoke. We had already successfully made several batches of this delight in our arms laboratory (which by day was his mum's kitchen)

Anyway, on the day in question yours truly hatched an ingenious plan to speed up production. We would pour the Nitrate straight into the pan and remove from the heat and allow to set.

The first panfull of this concoction went brilliantly so we decided to use the remainder of the nitrates all in one go. We thought we had cleaned the pan pretty thoroughly from the first batch. We hadn't.

We poured in some sugar and let it melt and then proceeded to pour the remaining nitrates into the pan. Small bits of residue from the first batch ignited the whole panfull which then sparked over igniting the first batch which was cooling nearby.

Cue 6 foot purple and white flames and a kitchen filled with smoke with two frenzied panicking teens - the scene was utter carnage - quickly thinking I raced the pan outside and let it burn out - I didnt notice the lumps of caramelised sugar burning through my hand due to the sheer adrenaline - the kitchen was blackened, although luckily it turned out to be mainly soot from all the smoke, only a few small welts were left in the new lino floor.

His mum came home and asked why the lino had melted, he explained that I had made a 'hot baked potato' which had 'exploded' hence me dropping the tray causing my burns and the melted lino - sheer lying genius!

7 years later I still have no hairs on my right hand and a few scars. Oops.
(Suomi_Finland_Perkele knocking 256 shades of shit out of your screen on, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 15:17, Reply)

My Brother
started a forest fire... we were living in a small neighbourhood in germany with a forest nearby. Me and a mate (Alex) used to go into the woods and dig trenches and play wargames and that sort of crap - oh and start fires - only, small and sensible ones with a proper pit and rocks around it and that. My brother and his mate Gareth, went off to do the same thing and came back later that day covered in soot and followed by the sound of fire engines... My dad: "Tell me honestly son, and I won't get mad (lying bastard). Did you start that fire?" My brother kept the straightest fucking face of his life, he could have been playing poker. "No," he said.... twelve years later at a party; "Dad, remember that forest fire I told you i didn't start?", "Yes son," "I started it." "I know." man....
(washing_machine, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 15:03, Reply)

Fire, lovely!
Not had that much experience in setting things on fire but i love lighting candles. When i was about 10 i had a candle and tried to burn some tissue with it and got scared as it rapidly burned so dropped it and stamped it out on the carpet leaving a brown mark. Also with the same candle I kept lighting it even though the wick was right against the glass so as you can guess the lovely glass holder that came with it exploded scaring the beejeebers out of me.
My Boyfriend however has actually done quite a bit more and i can officially class him as a pyromaniac. He has told me how he lit a cardboard filled trolley and pushed it down a road, wish i was there!! :D it sounded fun!
Well i hope to be able to say more later on, but for now this is it for me.
(doppelganger, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 15:02, Reply)

Not me but my two younger brothers
Out the back of our parents house is a 2 storey cottage. This tin rooved 'barn' as we called it was our den which we lovingly furnished from any available junk being thrown out in the village. My brothers and one of their friends (still all at prrimary school) had been smoking in the barn and had decided to hide the butts down the gaps in the floorboards. Well years of sawdust and other stuff made for quite a nice delayed fire that left only the four walls standing and almost burnt the house down as well. The fire brigade blamed the whole thing on an electric paint stripper that had been left plugged in downstairs. They still believe it to this day. Upshot was insurance paid out and re roofed, plastered and floored the whole building. Extra bonus I got to live in their when I was at college very woo shag pad (alright wank pad)
(bblac didnt get the new job booo rotten bastards, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 14:54, Reply)

useful idiot
It's not Oilatum, is it?
Just wondering.
In a similar vein, if Vaseline is Petroleum Jelly, does it work as napalm?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 14:52, Reply)

Respecting our elders
When I was about 9, a couple of my schoolmates used to have poorly-paid jobs delivering those rubbish free papers. We never, of course, delivered the papers, but instead took them to green-belt land where we would set fire to them. One time, we got caught out by an elderly lady, who managed to get hold of my mate's BMX. My mate wrenched the bike off her, shouting in his scariest 9 year-old's voice: "Get off my fucking bike, bitch!". Priceless.
(cook_pass_babtridge, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 14:52, Reply)

I was just thinking
Because of my eczema, I have to put this stuff in my bath in which the main ingredient is liquid paraffin. So, do you think:
a) I could set fire to the layer of oil on top of my bath, or;
b) I'm now extremely flammable?

Answers on a postcard please.

Oh, and also, has anyone ever set light to a tampon (unused)? ... just wondering...

Edit: Yes, it's Oilatum.
( useful_idiot, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 14:44, Reply)

dead trees don't burn, do they?
I must've been about 7. Being an adventurous young whippersnapper, I had a 'den' in the woods. This den was essentially the dead, empty shell of what was no doubt once a large bush. It backed on to someone's backyard fence, which in turn backed on to their shed.

Dead wood being easy to find made a huge fire inevitable. To a 7 year old, the consequences of lighting a huge fire inside a dead bush are irrelevant, as this would require thinking more than 5 minutes into the future. Anyway, when the fire became larger than me and my fellow arsonists, we decided to leave the woods, taking a last glance back to see the fence up in smoke and the roofing felt of the shed beginning to drip.

The fire brigade were called by someone (not us, no sir!), and I didn't sleep well for a month. I never returned to the scene of crime, so have no idea of the extent of the damage. For all I know, I could have imagined it all. I was 7, you see.
(wahey, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 14:34, Reply)

set the uni on fire
I stuck a Pizza under the grill in the staff kitchen of the old computer science dept. at Heriot Watt University at 1am, then got engrossed playing a computer game (nethack, if you must know). After about half an hour I smelled the smoke which was gradually filling the whole building. (There were no smoke alarms, and it was right beside the computer room too) Burning my hand I slung the flaming item out the window into the street below. A passing tramp watched it sail over his head like a small UFO. I then opened all the windows I could. By the following morning everyone was wondering why it was so damn cold and where the odd smell was coming from.
(donkeyradish, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 14:14, Reply)

Panda or 2CV
I used to have a 2CV. I was doing some work for Surrey Fire Service at the time and one of the guys there, we'll call him Russell, said..."Woah mate, don't have a 2CV, did you know that 9 out of 10 car fires we attend are 2CV's? Yes, the cardboard hoses fall onto the engine block and often burn the entire car". "Good Lord!", i said and promptly sold the offending vehicle and bought a Fiat Panda. One week later i stopped at the lights at the bottom of Reigate Hill and noticed smoke coming out of the bonnet. Within 2 minutes the entire car was ablaze. 3 minutes after that Russell showed up in his big red fire lorry. Naturally he was pissing himself laughing. Apparently the other 1 out of 10 model car fire that Surrey Fire Service attend is Fiat Pandas.
(inactionman, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 13:42, Reply)

Yes I have
It was a cold winters evening and instead of freezing my balls off, I found a match and lit my (gas) fire!

Dangerous or what!?!
(Age, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 13:40, Reply)

rats cocks 2
Another "friend" of mine snuck into the family home one night after a solid night on the razz. The usual scenario played itself out - suasages under the grill, increasing urge to close ones eyes, unoticed fire blazing inthe kitchen. The other member of the house heard the fire alarm and promptly legged it outside after summoning the fire brigade. When they arrived they asked if there was anyone else in the house, only then did the little broither pipe up "I think I heard someone coming in 1/2 an hour ago". The boys heroically charged back into the blazing house, only to find "my friend" in a fitful slumber on the couch. After hualing his ample frame out of the now flame engulf house they put him in the back of an ambulance. Try to imaging this. Your last memory was putting a few bangers under the grill and sitting down in the livingroom, now in a flash, your in the back of an ambulance with several uniformed men shouting at you. What do you do? You strike the nearest one to you of course. After several minute of violent fist fighting with the men who had saved his life he was restrained with leather straps on the stretcher. His Dad looked down upon him with a mixture of pity, shame and rage, the last embers of his charred house reflected in his eyes.
(Smell eep!, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 13:23, Reply)

I was kicked out of Brownies for firestarting
When I was six I wanted to join the Brownies, so my mom took me along to the local Brownie group. After a couple of weeks of ‘seeing if I liked it’ I decided to join proper, my mom bought me the uniform and the joining the Brownies ritual was to be performed at the next Brownie meeting. From what I can remember this ritual consisted of standing around a felt Brownie ritual mat, saying some oath and then lighting a candle that was on the mat (a bit weird now I think about it). Anyway, I stood on the edge of the mat, said the oath and then Brown Owl handed me a lit safety match to light the candle, however my mom always told me not to touch matches so I panicked and threw the lit match onto the felt mat. Needless to say the mat went up like a bonfire and I was asked not to come back.
(Delilah, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 13:17, Reply)

I was once accused of arson about 10 or 11 years ago
I got a knock on my door from a policeman asking to interview me. My dad (a policeman at the time) duly wanted to know what this was all about. Basically the local sports pavillion in our villiage had burnt down 2 nights ago, a boy fitting my description was seen running away from the blaze in the middle of the night. Luckily for me I had an alibi as I was in Ibiza at the time with my family (before it was the clubbers destination of choice). However we later found out that the father of a local boy (whose son happens to have a similar appearance to me) told them I had done it and that he'd seen me running away!

It's a small villiage, and only 2 lads (including me) of a similar age and appearance. Nobody was ever convicted of it, but you work it out!

Lying git!
( Netspore, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 13:10, Reply)

I put some toast under the grill...
...and wandered back into my bedroom. I saw the CD which a friend had sold me and decided to give it a listen. About ten minutes later I heard my flatmate shout at me very loudly. Turns out the toast was still on. The flames and heat had also managed to set the chopping board on fire. My chopping board was on top of the grill. It was also extra flammable because I had rubbed oil into it. Apparently it makes it last longer...

The thing which topped off this small fire was the firemen from the fire station opposite stood outside laughing. Did they even offer me a bucket of water? Did they bollocks.

I set fire to the kitchen in my halls of residence too. I put a KFC with secret silver foil into the mirowave.
( fineart, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 13:02, Reply)

rats cocks!
Once whilst dozing off in a slumber a friend of mine realised that there was an ember still burning on a candle that he had lit for a bit of atmos. Thinking that the candle would extinguish itself he comtentedly nodded off. He awoke soon after with the acrid smell of smoke filling his lungs. His wall was on fire. He immediately ran to his little brothers room to get him out of the house (his parents were on holiday). After his bro was safe and sound he brazenly ran back in to attempt to tackle the flames. By the time he was back in the house the whole sencond floor was ablaze. Dejectedly and with a cancerous fear growing inside him he walked back to his brother on the street. By this time the fire brigade had been called and all the neighbours were streaming out of their houses to see what all the commotion was about.
As he watched his parents house burn to the ground, by his hand, a neighbour timidly approached him and asked if he'd like a change of clothes. It was only then that he realised, he had nowt but a t-shirt on with his shame swinging gently in the cool night air. Christ. Hate that. Two nightmares twisted into one sickening reality.
(Smell eep!, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 12:56, Reply)

Deodorants
When Iwas 16 we went on a school trip to Greece. As we were all minors non of us was allowed out of the hotel in the evenings. So to pass the time, we all gathered in one of the rooms, and started to play with deodorant sprays and lighters. Needless to say a few armpits go burn, the curtains caught fire and the teachers started inspecting our rooms for booze for the rest of the trip.
(sandrine, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 12:36, Reply)

Fyyre
The only thing I learnt in electronics class was that the smell of solder, star wars figures and fruit polos, when subjected to the heat of a soldering iron for 20 minutes until they are one conjealed mass, is enough to make you want to gag just thinking about it 12 years on. It's sort of like a rancid, sour smell that goes right up your nose and makes it sting and run, but is also really sickly sweet, complemented as it is by the toxic whiff of plastic, and pungent plasto-fruity overtones. I don't know which star wars figure works best, or whether he-man would work better.

And burning your GCSE revision notes in a saucepan post-exams, alone in your parents' house, requires your full attention. And metal conducts, so the pan-base shouldn't be placed onto carpet. If only I'd learnt that scientific fact before my exams.

One should also bear in mind that buying firelighters and placing them on top of bollards in shopping areas of an evening really scares and confuses people.
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 12:28, Reply)

When I was an apprentice
we discovered 'crow scarers' - these were basically firework type bangers that famers use to scare the shit out of birds and keep them away from crops.

We used to buy a few strings of these and take them to car parks / local woods at lunch times. Initially the trick was to light them and chuck them about a bit and see who ended up the nearest when they went off. We then thought we would see if they could be used to blow things up. So we obtained pots of Meths, avaition fuel, petrol etc.

A crow scarer was then taped to each of the pots and a set at the foot of a tree. The resulting fireballs from each of the pots was impressive to say the least. Several trees had to be extinguished by us pissing on them. (No, no biscuits!)
( enthusiastic amateur delurked at:, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 12:23, Reply)

Virgin waters
When we were about 16, 3 of us acted as a checkpoint for the younger kids on a school orienteering trip. The location was near windsor, lets say. Really hot day, out in the dry grass, tent set up, whiskey and fags being consumed, tunes. The 2 lads I was with were actually really intelligent, but decided to start fires in the grass and then put them out using water from nearby puddles. I took no part in this insane game, I was just chillin in the sun. Then I heard the following words, kindof in slow-mo, with echo on: "I wonder what will happen if we light it away from water...". 30 seconds in and it was like "IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!". 12 acres. Blackened. It was on the news that night. And because we blamed it on cigarettes and only me and one of the others actually puffed, I ended up taking the blame for one of them!! Bastards. Cheers to the teacher who prevented us getting arrested over it, though!
(dr colonic, Thu 4 Mar 2004, 12:16, Reply)