Rude AND Unfunny...and disturbing...
Me, just about to turn 5. Slightly older neighbor girl,plump, ringlets and bangs/fringe as happened in the early 60s, and always laughing and smiling. I had no idea why we were told to stay away from her, but most kids did. So one day I met her on the sidewalk and she couldn't wait to show me her latest: pointing at the relevant parts of herself, she recited, "Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, hotdogs made."
It was strange, depressing, and left me wondering where in the hell a kid would learn that and how she could find that funny. I suppose child protective services would be called today but I at last understood why kids avoided her. Often wonder how she turned out.
(Mrs.Fonebone, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 23:37, 1 reply)

I'd seen a couple of Playboys by then, but nothing special - I think 1 of them was some pics of Madonna *shudder*
The 1st real rudey was an audio tape one of my dorm-mates (boarding school Year 7) had got off his older brother from Singapore.(???) It was 2 lesbians going to town on each other. Towards the end they pulled out a double-ended dildo, which was misinterpreted as a double-ended dodo by one of the many listeners & has remained so ever since. Quite strange and surreal to listen to 2 ladies frig each other senseless, whilst descibing everything that's happening in great detail let alone wonder why they would want to use a mutant, extinct animal in their sex-play.
That scene in Requiem For a Dream always makes me laugh innapropriately....
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 15 Aug 2011, 23:25, 4 replies)

Whatever happened to frankspencer?
This qotw was made for his delectable brand of smutterry.

*reminisces*
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 22:22, 21 replies)

Now there's a thing
A bit of a pear roast from me this time.

I grew up as a forces brat in Europe. Every time my sister or I got ill, Mum would walk us the mile or so to the Doctors, every time assuring us that the building with the pretty red lights was a fairy house. It is not just gastro-pubs that have a specials board you know.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 19:18, 7 replies)

Thankfully not the first.
A previous post reminded me of Naked Jungle (think that was the name) with Keith Chegwin.
Excuse me while I cry at the memory.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 18:20, 7 replies)

Definately not a film for language students.
I dabbled a few years back with learning Polish, as I have relatives there I may want to visit, and visited Prague a few years ago. So, I have always been interested in Slavic languages and their similarities -- I've always been interested in language, despite being blatantly shit at learning them.
Anyhow, my interest was piqued recently by a film which was getting mentioned a lot in passing. "Great" I though "'A Serbian Film' ought to be interesting".



Sorry
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 17:54, 3 replies)

I would say the first proper rude thing i saw in the flesh as it were
Was my girlfriend (now Mrs SLVA) when we was 17. We had shagged twice before (that is the best word for it too IMO as it was a case of hitching up her skirt whilst I undo my trousers), and one evening we had access to an empty flat.
We laid a towel on the bare floorboards, and she started undressing me, and I undressed her, kissing and groping as 17 year old couples are wont to do. We were down to our pants, I was staring at her pert breasts (which by now couldn't taken my eye out). She then made me lay down and pulled my boxer shorts off. Standing over me, she then took her knickers off.

The first thing that went through my mind was "Corrr, fanny". The second thing was that she had a long body. Actually she doesn't, she's a right shortarse, but when the pants are removed, there is nothing to break up the shape and it looked quite a distance from her belly button down to the top of the thighs.

Has anybody else made this observation? And to pre-empt you all, I meant other girls apart from my missus.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 16:16, 27 replies)

So, we used to have an old oak tree in the garden, until the storms a couple of years ago, when it blew over.
Getting rid of the trunk and branches was easy enough, but the subterranean section of the tree needed to be cut apart first.
So that was the first rooting I ever sawed.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 15:38, 4 replies)

Bare arse cheek
My first experience with the bare female form (well the back section) came in my second year at primary school.

One lunchtime in the playground, a young lady by the name of whasherface (name changed to protect the person if she lurks on here) decided it would be a good idea to hitch up her skirt, pull down her pants and let a group of about ten over-excited pre-pubescent six year-olds have a good grope on her arse.

I’ve no idea why she did it, it wasn’t a sexual thing. I just remember it being a very cold arse.

The first porno I watched was round a mates. A group of us gathered after school and watched a tape one of the lads pilfered from his dad. I’ll never forget the title “Jane Bond 0069: License to Thrill”. Genius.

I think this was the first time a little bit of the white magic popped out after some furious memory banking in the toilet, moments after viewing good old Jane taking it up both pipes.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 15:17, 3 replies)

A photo of Cilla Black's wizard's sleeve
It was A3.

In memoriam the PPP
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 14:27, 2 replies)

her name was Deborah, it never suited her...
There are fewer things in my life that I am more proud of than the seemingly magical appeal I had to girls when I was aged 5 - 12. And fewer things I am less proud of than my seemingly cursed life since.

My 1st was a girl I grew up with, proper Pulp style story (hence the subject line) we were always at each other's houses, our parents were (and still are) best friends and we would amuse ourselves for hours by getting naked and playing with each other. I would rub her bits and she would stroke mine, sometimes we'd do it for hours before hearing the rumbling of parents up the stairs, meaning we'd hastily dress and sit playing nice, or pretend to be asleep. I really looked forward to seeing her every other week, it was intense.

Then we grew up, she got massive boobs and that was it, I was no longer allowed to see them.

Then we went to uni, weirdly we ended up at the same one... one night, we had a drunken conversation in the SUB about how weird it was that we did all kinds of rude stuff with each other for years until we could actually do something about it, and then we stopped. I lamented how I'd never seen her norks and then it happened. We snogged.

It felt like I was kissing my sister - not that I have a sister, but y'know...

I'm glad we tried, it would've been a shame not to give it a go, fate seemed to be putting us together quite often but it felt so very wrong.

Oh and before you go asking whether she was my sister, she's black and I'm white. (she's still the only black girl I've kissed... which is a bit annoying for some reason)
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 14:09, 3 replies)

Another pea
I posted this some years ago and while it wasn't exactly my first experience of rudeness it was certainly an early one and a profitable one.

X-mas porn
Christmas day circa 1975. Unseasonally dry and mild weather and I'm out on the head of the road trying out my new bike. I stopped into a layby for a quick slug of water and just happened to quickly glance into the roadside bin and here's two brown paper packages. Oh ho ! What have we here ? Only two packages of brand new crisp and glossy jazz mags. Maybe around 30 per package. My lucky day or what ? Mayfairs, Penthouses, Men Onlys, H & E (eh ?) etc.

Needless to say I couldn't carry them on the bike so I planked them elsewhere and retrieved them later.

Be assured I made good use of them, as any 14 year old would, before selling them on at school and round the neighbourhood. I made a fortune ... I seem to recall asking about 50p each. That's about £30 ..... genuinely a princely sum for a young lad back in the mid seventies.

Merry Christmas right enough !
( Ramsay Tupper, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 13:39, Reply)

Got time for a pea-roast?
The first rude thing I saw was an illustrated copy of Janet and John. The one where John goes to the Haberdasher's.

--------------------------------------
In the Haberdashery shop

Chapter One

It was a bright and breezy morning in May and just one week until the big historic re-enactment on the river. John was ever so excited, he had re-painted his punt and Janet was hard at work on his wonderful costume.

“John,” said Janet, “there are a few things I need you to buy for me so that I can finish off your costume. Would you go to the haberdashery for me?”

“Yes of course I will.” said John, “That’s the little shop owned by Mrs Briskett isn’t it?”

“Well, she’s Mrs Douglas now,” said Janet, “she can only be in her mid 40s, but she’s already been widowed twice and has just got married again. Funny how all her husbands have been much older than her…and rich.”

“Well,” said John, “she’s got a jolly nice shop. All those little drawers full of ribbons and bows, it’s ever so gay.” and off he went.


Chapter Two

Tinkle went the little bell over the door as John pushed it open.

“Good morning Mrs Douglas,” said John, “isn’t it a lovely day today?”

“Oh yes,” said Mrs Douglas brightly, “and not only that, but it’s my birthday today!”

“Oh, happy birthday,” said John, “did you get any nice presents?”

“Oh yes,” said Mrs Douglas smiling, “my husband really rose to the occasion this morning. He bought me a case of Chateau Lafite from the year I was born. I’ve just opened a bottle and it’s got bags of plum and blackcurrant notes, as well as a very pleasing oaky finish. Would you like a glass?”

“Thank you very much Mrs Douglas,” said John, “but it’s a little early for me, perhaps later. Anyway, I’ve got a list here of things that Janet needs to finish my costume. I’m taking part in the big re-enactment next week.”

“Right, well,” said Mrs Douglas, “we’d better see what you need. I’ve got a feeling there will be lots of other boatmen coming for bits and pieces for their costumes today. Is your punt ready?”

“I should say,” said John, “I spent all last weekend re-painting it, it looks a treat. My pole looks a little worse for wear though.”

“Well,” said Mrs Douglas, “my husband has got a big jar of linseed oil in his shed. You can come and use it any time you like. Now, what’s first on your list?”

“Right,” said John, “first off is a 12” zip. I’ve brought my collapsible ruler with me, to make sure I get the right one. Last time Janet was cross because I got the wrong one.”

“Ok then,” said Mrs Douglas, “I’ll just reach up here and get the get the box down. You get your ruler out ready.” Mrs Douglas fetched down the box of zips and put it down on the counter, but as she did so she gave a little shriek. “Oh my goodness John, just look in here.” she said.

John leaned over the counter and peered into the box of zips. Inside was a small white mouse.

“That’s my pet mouse,” said Mrs Douglas, picking him up and holding him against her cheek, “I call him ‘Wee Timorous Beestie’ as I’m a Rabbie Burns fan.”

“Gosh, I wonder how he got in there.” said John, “I’ve found the zip I need by the way”

“My,” said Mrs Douglas, “I do like that folding ruler of yours, I must get one. Now, what’s next on the list?”

“Right,” said John, “I need some bright red material, preferably something smooth, and some buttons.”

“Ok,” said Mrs Douglas, “come over here to this cabinet behind the counter and I’ll show you what we’ve got. Here we are, you can choose whatever you like from this drawer, I’m going to get on with sewing up the hem on these slacks. My niece and nephew came over yesterday and the stitches came undone when they were fishing in the rock-pools at low tide.” John started looking through the pieces of material when suddenly Mrs Douglas sighed loudly.

“What’s the matter Mrs Douglas?” asked John.

“I’ve dropped my sewing under the counter John,” said Mrs Douglas, “would you be a dear and pick it up for me?”

“Ok,” said John as he ducked down under the counter. He reached for the sewing but there was something in the way. It was the nets that Mrs Douglas’ niece and nephew had been using the day before. John had to squeeze between them to reach the sewing. “Phew, these really smell of the sea don’t they?” he said.

“Yes,” said Mrs Douglas, “we had a lot of fun yesterday.”

“What are all these boxes Mrs Douglas?” asked John.

“Well John,” said Mrs Douglas, “I’m starting a new mail-order business and I need to get all these catalogues put into envelopes and boxed up before lunchtime. I could really do with a hand. If we do these quickly I’ll fetch my very special buttons for you.”

“Ok,” said John, “no problem. Why don’t you put the catalogues into the envelopes and I’ll sit down here on this little stool and seal them up?”

“Oh thank you so much John,” said Mrs Douglas, “I’ll be ever so grateful.”

“Goodness Mrs Douglas,” said John, “what on earth is this on the floor?”

“Ha ha!” she laughed, “my nephew must have left that with his net. It’s one of his stuffed toys, hasn’t it got a funny tail and big teeth.”

“Yes it has,” said John. After a few minutes of hard work, he said, “Right, I’ve sealed all of these envelopes and put them in the boxes. Now for the buttons, do you have any brass ones?”

“Oh yes,” said Mrs Douglas, as she heaved the heavy boxes full of catalogues up onto the counter-top “I can help you there. See all these brass buttons in this box over here with anchors on them? This very special one is from an admiral’s jacket, some are from a captain’s jacket and the rest are from some sailors I met when I used to work in a bar in Portsmouth. The Royal Navy chaps were always ever so kind to me. You just help yourself to what you want”

“Right, well,” said John a few minutes later, “I’ve got the zip, chosen some material and found my buttons, I’d better pay you and get these things back to Janet.”

“Well, as a reward for helping me with the catalogues, I’d like to show you my other birthday present.” said Mrs Douglas, “You can see them from here, see, through this side window. There, what do you think?” said Mrs Douglas, pointing at a bee-hive. “My husband bought me three dozen bees and I’ve already collected the first crop of honey. Would you like to try some?”

“Yes please Mrs Douglas,” said John. He dipped his finger into the proffered jar and tried some of the honey, “mmm, it’s delicious.” he said.

“Now we need to get all these boxes out of the way. Would you come through to the back room and bring these boxes with you please?” she asked.

See John carry the heavy boxes through to the back room, he’s puffing a bit because they are so heavy.

“I didn’t really want to carry all these up to the post office on my birthday,” groaned Mrs Douglas, “and my husband isn’t really up to the job and anyway, he’s always tinkering in his workshop. I really can’t think what I ever saw in him.” she complained loudly.

“Are you talking about me dear?” said Mr Douglas, coming into the room, “what on earth is all the fuss about?”

“Oh, nothing,” said Mrs Douglas, “don’t you worry about a thing.” she sighed.

“Well, while I’m here, have you seen that watch I was fixing?” he said, “I’ve found my special watch-makers instrument, but can’t find the watch.”

“Yes, here it is dear,” said Mrs Douglas, passing him an old pocket-watch.

“Darn,” said Mr Douglas, “now the nut at the end of my instrument is jammed. Could you loosen it for me please my dear?”

“Ok, pass it over here,” said Mrs Douglas. She tried loosening the nut with her fingers but it was too tight, so she held it between her teeth and turned it until it was free. “There you go, now I’ll see you later.” she said as he went back to his workroom.

“God, he is so useless!” complained Mrs Douglas, “next time I might go for someone a little younger, he is so much hard work.”

John blushed a bit and he was starting to sweat under the strain of the boxes, “Here you are Mrs Douglas,” he said, putting the boxes into her arms, “I really must be going now.”

“Wow, these are a lot heavier than I thought,” she said, her biceps bulging, “I must get to the gym more often. Anyway, you run along John, don’t forget we’ve got linseed oil if you need it.”

“Thanks Mrs Douglas,” said John as he dashed back to the front of the shop and out of the door, “I won’t.”


Chapter Three

“Where on earth did you get to John?” said Janet as John rushed through the door.

“Well,” said John, taking a deep breath, “when I got to Mrs Douglas’ shop, she told me I was the first punter of the day. Her husband had given her a very fruity ’69 that morning because it was her birthday, and she asked me if I wanted to try it. Then she reached for my zip and discovered the Wee Beastie inside, she seemed a bit surprised and nuzzled it against her cheek. She was very impressed by my fully extended 12-incher and when she invited me behind the counter to rummage in her red satin drawers, she dropped her trousers. She asked me to duck down under the counter and I got my head between her fish-nets, it smelt a bit fishy down there but we both had a giggle about her funny beaver. I was going to get up but she said that if I licked her flaps she’d show me her special button. She told me she liked seamen a lot and showed me her 36 bees, and said I could put my finger in her honey-pot. After I’d licked my finger she took me inside and started moaning and her husband came in for a watch. He seemed a bit upset but she tried fingering his nuts then put his little tool in her mouth and that cheered him up a bit. When he’d gone she started moaning again and then relieved me of my load. That made her gasp and she clenched her muscles but I think she was fairly pleased with me because she said I could come round anytime and oil my pole.”

What do you think Janet is going to do with those pinking shears? I hope John’s got enough energy left to run away.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 13:24, 14 replies)

I watched Urotsukidoji
I was shocked. That's not how I thought Volcanos were formed.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 10:44, 18 replies)

I still to this day don't quite understand why, when looking at a picture of a lady in a skirt, how
if I tilt the page end-on, I can't see up her skirt.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 10:24, 9 replies)

I saw my mum's minge when I was less than ten seconds old.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 8:20, 11 replies)

Where is this Soho?
It was summer in New Mexico and our family had erected a canvas tent in the back yard. A friend brought over the strangest magazine to share on hot summer evenings. It was cheap pulp, and black-and-white, but on every page it featured ladies in garter belts. Every variety of garter belt. Endless numbers of garter belts. I had never heard of garter belts, nor this Soho District where all the ladies apparently hailed from. I wanted to learn more....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 7:58, 1 reply)

Not the first thing I saw but .......
last year I taught year 1, which is 5 to 6 year olds.

We spend a lot of time painting, gluing and other messy things which involve covering the tables in old newspapers. Of course some of the papers we had were red tops and therefore we carefully removed page three.

One day I was tidying up the book corner when I found a small wodge of paper, carefully folded and tucked behind some of the books.
What we hadn't reckoned on was nudey ladies in the more high end papers.
This was some 5 year olds carefully torn out stash of arty black and white ladies who had neglected to put any knickers on.

The next day I found a boy frantically searching for something in the book corner but he wouldn't tell me what for.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 14 Aug 2011, 23:52, Reply)

Astra 19.2 degrees East.
The first rude thing I ever saw would have to be the soft-core German porn films on a Saturday night on satellite TV. Yep, we got Sky fitted when I was 12 and enjoyed watching DJ Kat (remember him?) on Sky 1. However, what I didn't anticipate was going downstairs at about 10pm turning on the satellite and flicking over to Sat 1 and watch a German lassie "flicking over" her hairy triangle (off screen, it was soft-core, remember?). As a 12 year old, I'd wondered what in the world I'd just tuned into. I'd tuned into my first porn film. Watching hairy German fellas humping equally hairy German women in rhythm to the oompah music played over the film was quite an eye-opener for a 12 year old, especially one who wanted to watch "Match of the Day".

After I accepted I'd seen it all, I changed channel and moved to RTL plus (does anyone remember these channels? Or did I make them all up?). There I saw "Tutti Frutti". It was a German game show. But in this show, you didn't win a washing machine, you had to perform a strip tease! By now, I'm sure my brain was leaking out of my ears and just had an assault on my senses. I, eventually, meandered upstairs and went to bed. But I couldn't go to sleep. I was too busy thinking about what I'd seen. Only three things ran through my mind:

1. Is that what passes for evening entertainment in Munich?
2. Have German women heard of a razor?
3. If fat blokes with big moustaches can attract tail like that, what was wrong with me?!

But there was a fourth thing running through my mind.

"I wonder what's on next Saturday night....?"
(Don Draper is, indeed, mad and a man., Sun 14 Aug 2011, 21:13, 6 replies)

World of Sport
I had no interest in sport as a child. Still don't, at least not as a spectator. However, while waiting for something interesting to start, I would watch the tail end of Grandstand or World of Sport where they showed the football results and interviewed some of the players in the changing room.

One week one player in the background was sitting with a towel over his lap while someone else was talking when all of a sudden he got up and walked towards the camera, which appeared to be at waist height.

As he passed the camera, he dropped his towel, revealing, as my mother called it, "his mountain and forest". It seemed he found the camera very exciting.

Anyway, that flash of cock was probably one of my first rude things and may have set me on my quest to see more of them.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 19:56, 3 replies)

Not the first...
... but a worthy little tale I hope. I was aged about 16 when hedge porn was a weekend highlight - (my parents are still convinced me and my mate would cycle the length and breadth of lincolnshire "looking for butterflies"). My parents had just moved house, and one day we cleaned out an old boiler cupboard. Wedged in the back under a cunningly removable floorboard (not near as cunning as mine upstairs tho) were some 1950s porn mags. Most of them showed lots of girls with pointy boobs (why is that?!) playing volleyball and badminton, and had short stories about "smoking reefer" leading to all sorts of debauchery. The debauchery was never described though.

My mum and dad and I, flicked through them and chuckled about the innocence about times gone by as we threw them in the bin.

Later that night, I retrieved them, added them to my own floorboard connection and from then on regularly put them to the use they were originally intended*

GP

*I've grown out my bush, smoke a pipe I and am now quite good at nude, black and white tennis.
( gp_guineapig, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 16:18, 9 replies)

I found a pornographic parody of 'Lord of the Rings'.
Sadly, it was hobbit-forming.

PS I ended up with a sore 'un.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 12:51, 2 replies)

I've worn glasses since age 7
and my eyesight is pretty poor.

As kids, we seemed to go swimming an awful lot. One local pool changed the layout of its changing area and created a central locker area with a male and female changing room each side.

This wasn't a problem until I finished swimming, came back to the locker area (sans specs, obviously) and realised I didn't know which way to go. I couldn't see well enough to read the signs on the wall and wandered into the wrong room by mistake. I couldn't really see the people in there very clearly either. I noticed that some of them were wearing one piece swimsuits (as favoured by women) and they all seemed to be staring at me.

This alerted me to my mistake, so I walked towards some of the naked ladies, squinted and peered intently at them to verify that they were, indeed, ladies. Once I realised I was in the wrong I walked out, blushing.

I realise it would have been more socially decorous to go outside the room as soon as I thought I might have made an error, but I was actually quite an innocent child. The women and girls I approached with a look of fierce concentration and stared at probably didn't think so, though.
(slowly play it cool, Trig, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 12:37, 1 reply)

While boys were grateful for a rain-damaged Health and Efficiency
girls were at home reading 'romance novels'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 7:15, 16 replies)

I dont think it the first rude thing that I ever saw....
...but I recall being a young boy and being stupidly aroused by the BOYS BOYS BOYS video by SABRINA when they showed it on TOP of the POPs. We had cable tv back then (pre Sky tv) and i managed to hook up my video recorder and tune it up to THE BOX music channel where i waited patiently for the video to re-appear so I could record it. I recorded it on teh end of my 80s cartoon complilation tapes...so halfway through thundercats it would suddenly cut to Sabrina's HUGE tits bursting out if her inadequate bikini, also containing arguably one of the very first music video nipslips too. I murdered many sperm to that video.
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Sun 14 Aug 2011, 3:42, 9 replies)

Voyeur alert!
I was 10 or 11 and was walking home from a mate's place one evening after school. It was already dark as I made my way up the winding walkway not far from his place. There were houses on both sides of the walkway and a fair amount of shrubbery etc.
Coming (fnarr) to the top of the hill I looked up to the house in front of me and saw two lit rooms lit up with curtains open. A babelicious teen came into one of the rooms, peeled her top off to reveal an outstanding set of boobs while at the same time in the other room, a lucky bugger came in smiling and turned the light off. The girl then also killed the light and any further voyeuristic opportunities for moi.
The remainder of the journey home was in quite a state of pleasant tension.
First live set of norks; great memory and god I have wished many times over the years those two could have shagged with the lights on!
Outcome: visual and aural voyeurism are big favs of mine.

This episode beats all the times my mate and I would clamber around the cliff above one of Auckland's nudist beaches (Ladies Bay) in the summer checking out the few women game enough to bare all. 70's bushes were easy to spot from a distance!
(wino.NZ The Ayatollah of rock n' rolla..., Sun 14 Aug 2011, 1:48, 1 reply)

I feel sorry for kids of today
There's no cycling through the country side and finding a tattered jazz mag under a bush. I know this has been brought up a lot but it really was a rite of passage for so many of us!

I did once find a nearly complete set of nudey playing cards in a bricked up old wartime bunker, I must have been about 12 or so and used to go down there with my friend from school and we used to smoke cigarettes (because we were so very, very cool). We crawled into this space and she saw them first and I played it off with a 'oh, that's disgusting, yes, very horrible' all the while hatching my cunning plan that I had to have them. After we'd smoked our cigarette each, being always the gent I allowed her to crawl out first before scooping them all up and stuffing them in my pocket.

We hung out a bit around the area before going back in a bit later for another smoke, she crawled in first and got quite scared that they were gone, "someone else has been in here!" she said, to which I tried to reassure her that we'd be safe and I'd protect her if anything happened. I can't even remember how I managed to go back into the shelter with her, I have no idea what I was doing hanging around so long!

I saw those playing cards again a few years later; they were the same deck used when Tommy and Turkish are playing cards in the caravan at the beginning of Snatch. Brought me back, seeing that in the movie!
(Mr_Lew, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 23:31, Reply)

3 naked bodies for the price of 1
On school watersports* camp, final year of comp I missed out on seeing E unclothed after the tent doors were held wide open and she was assisted outside mid change as I had gone for a walk with L and come back disappointed. In the interests of equality the following day I was attacked and had four girls trying to turn my naked body over on the bed. In my defence the Bristol Channel is very cold and had had an effect on what was most definitely at that moment Little JVZ.

My first live naked female was on a youth weekend that summer. Wonderful weather and T had spent most of the time filling a bikini leading to some moments of discomfort in my shorts. Can't remember the exact sequence of events but T had gone for a shower and B and I found ourselves outside the toilet block. B opened the shower cubicle using a pen knife. A brief glimpse of ample boobage before her arms covered them and then the shock as my eyes moved down. This was the 1980s and the Mayfair a friend had borrowed from his father's collection, my only other viewing of lady bits had contained hirsute women. Trimmed a bit maybe but still with pubes. T didn't appear to have any hair down there as she quickly slammed the cubicle door. I still feel it was rather unfair that she included me in the bollocking as I just happened to be stood there when B opened the door.

* You all know very well what I mean by watersports in this context.
(jvz, Sat 13 Aug 2011, 22:07, 2 replies)

The first really rude thing,
Was when one on my mates showed me a porno film he got from some shady relative. We must have been 13 or 14 and before this the only porn I had seen was dog eared copies of Fiesta or Mayfair. This was real life people actually doing it for real! I had no idea what this film was about but I recently found out it was called 8 to 4, a parody of a well known Dolly Parton movie. My mate did me a copy as he was a smart bloke and had two videos to copy films.

The scene I remember most is where a guy goes for an interview and the hot, bitchy female boss tells him "I want you to fuck me like this job depends on it". Brilliant script! To this day I still think of it when I have an interview and it calms the nerves!

I have tried to find a copy somewhere to relive those teenage days, but its all shaved minge and fake boobies these days. Porn ain't like it used to be....
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Sat 13 Aug 2011, 17:56, 11 replies)