Someone on an internet messageboard expressed an opinion I didn't like.
I was furious!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 14:07, 5 replies)

Someone made a sarcastic comment about one of my QOTW stories.
So I grassed them up to their boss.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:59, 5 replies)

I've been doing work for some friends of mine.
They're a couple who broke up sometime back after ten years of tumultuous relationship. She's in her fifties, rather high-maintenance, works for the state government, and bought a foreclosure house that needed a lot of work. He's in his late thirties, very blue-collar, a carpenter by trade who likes nothing more than to sit back with a beer and a cigarette. (How the hell they ever got together in the first place is a bit beyond me, but what the hell.) She has hired him to be her general contractor for remodeling the house, and they sometimes hire me for a few days as his assistant as I happen to be pretty good with tools myself.

The other day I was repairing a set of leaded glass windows in the workshop when he came out back carrying a couple of beers. I kept working as we chatted, and I could tell he had already had several before coming back to find me. All good, as he was done for the day at that point, but he was obviously pissed off at her. Finally he told me that they had had a fight about money.

"Ya know, we had a budget worked out for the work on this house, and I think I had it pretty close. Now she's bitching that it's gone so far over budget- but look at the place! She couldn't have your basic fifty-nine cent light switches, she had to have the dimmable ones with the wide flat switch on it that cost eight bucks apiece! And we couldn't just go out and get lighting fixtures from Lowes, she had to order top-of-the-line stuff online at three times the price! And you know those two used Persian rugs in the living room? She paid $700 for them a couple of weeks ago!" He drained his beer. "Yet she can't afford to give me another two thousand so I don't have to live on pasta!"

"I wondered about that. Where is she getting the money from for all of this?"

He grimaced and spat. "Where'd you think? From her dad. She runs out of money, then he gives her some stocks which she cashes in and Fed Ex starts showing up a few days later with new things. She hired a feng shui expert who told her how she had to have things done or the energy just wouldn't be right. When this is done this goddam house had better shit happiness!"

Yeah, that about sums it up.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:58, Reply)

Oh ffs...
...not another crap Question of the Week question. I don't know why I bother coming to this site any more.

And my croissant is stale.
(Mystery_Machine, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:56, 1 reply)

Advertising creates problems that I didn't know existed.
For example, I only found out today that I am not a 'real man'. I always assumed I was, I mean, I shave, I have testicles and a penis and I don't know how to have a conversation about periods without giggling, but apparently that's not enough. Oh no. Not according to the poster I just saw on The Underground boldly informing me that 'Real Men Get Raped'.


Ho hum.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:56, 12 replies)

Greeks wailing about the state of their country.
How it's all the fault of the Euro.

Very few seem to want to pin the blame on themselves for allowing and encouraging decades of tax evasion and high level political corruption as if it was a National Sport.

They were comfortable taking out huge Euro loans and exploiting EU subsidies and grants to replace their Tractors with Porsche Cayennes. Details

I know several Greeks including some who have well-off parents who have thrived on tax evasion. When questioned about the new investigations and how it will affect her father one admitted that he had just had to pay a 20,000 euro fine for undeclared properties. This is just one out of so many.

Greeks. What is happening is terrible, but you, your fathers and your fathers fathers are all to blame. Not Ze Germans.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:44, 10 replies)

In a coffee shop in the USA
Some bloke going crazy, yelling at the server, throwing paper cups around, because the (free) wifi was slow. Am I the only one who can remember when you had to be physically attached to a modem, and dial in every time you wanted to view a horribly-designed Geocities website?
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:43, 5 replies)

Well I googled this story
for evidence and the first result is from B3ta from 2005
www.google.co.uk/search?q=train+crash+fire+extinguisher+%22wouldn%27t+get+it+back%22&hl=en&gbv=2&gs_sm=3&gs_upl=1109l11700l0l11903l61l53l0l36l0l1l516l2922l2-1.1.4.1l7l0&spell=1&sa=X&oq=train+crash+fire+extinguisher+%22wouldn%27t+get+it+back%22&aq=f&aqi=&aql=

so I'm probably confusing B3ta with real life again, but anyway...

the story is that a couple were flagged down at the scene of the Clapham rail disaster and asked if they would lend the rescuers a fire extinguisher. The couple declined because they "wouldnt get it back".

I remember hearing this story very recently so now I'm wondering what happened to the last seven years.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:42, Reply)

I've managed
to duplicate every single song on my itunes. Everyone appears twice.

Worse, all my podcasts appear 5 times.


Not only is this ruining my life in a very first world problem way, thus qualifying as an answer to this week's question, it is also a genuine cry for help. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE AND HOW DO I UNDO IT?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:38, 27 replies)

My Quote* of the Week suggestion for this week didn't get picked
*See: Question
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:37, 4 replies)

I was on Pine road, I think, unable to pirouette.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:16, Reply)

No funnies here
But anyone who thinks www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/feb/16/work-free-tesco-job-advert?fb=native&CMP=FBCNETTXT9038 this is a good idea should be shot. I can understand the people who made the scheme wanting to defend the principles behind it, but stop once it's been so utterly corrupted, cheers.

It baffles me that the comments page of any article about this has people whinging that people should be 'grateful' to be 'useful', and to make less than half minimum wage.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:07, 26 replies)

This may be a pea, but who cares......
I was on the last train home once and someone jumped in front of it. Deeeed, stone deeed. The ticket dude walked to the front of the train and then slowly walked the driver to the back of the train. The poor dude was proper shaken up. As the ticket dude passes this massive fat bird she tugs on his arm and asks

“Are we going to be late because my husband has made my tea?”

The guard looks at her in disbelief, the whole train just stare at her…… I piped up at this point with

“You could do with missing a few meals you selfish bitch, shut up”

She shut up.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:07, 13 replies)

Single mothers who complain that their life is hard
I have many friends who are single mothers, so I can't usually say this. But please, don't complain about not having any support when the only reason you're in this situation is that you shagged a random stranger at a free party and didn't think that contraception fitted your free-thinking, tree-hugging, oh-so-radical ideology.

Oh, and the fact that you seem to have more money than me, and can afford foreign holidays, when I work full time in a job that required several years of study to qualify for but still can't afford to live after paying tax to fund your lifestyle, probably means I won't be too sympathetic when you tell me how difficult flying back from Ibiza with the twins was...

Sigh. I suppose I'd better go and tell the newsagent to change my Guardian order for the Daily Mail, now.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:04, 9 replies)

Oh boo hoo hoo let me out! Boo hoo hoo! Let me out! Boo hoo hoo!
Fucking pathetic.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:03, 2 replies)

Rape victims.
Shouldn't dress like whores then should you?
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 13:01, 1 reply)

When I was in high school
A girl was being comforted in the locker rooms after having had a huge crying fit. Her friends were trying to console her, hugging her, agreeing with her and telling everyone else to fuck off if we came into the room.

"My mum doesn't love meeeeeee!" was the wail that kept emerging from the poor sobbing girl.

The reason? The mum, proud that her chavvy spawn had gotten as far as graduation, had forked out £200 to buy jewellery for the girl's prom. The problem? She bought gold, not WHITE gold, and as we know, in the early '00s that was the sin of sins.

The mind reels.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:59, Reply)

media shit cunts
A 'friend' works for a certain Radio station who every Christmas host a children's party at a certain top London toy store. Basically all of the station's most important clients from advertising agencies are invited to bring their children along for an afternoon of fun, games and hundreds of pounds worth of free toys.
Now I get that as a commercial enterprise its in the station's interest to keep important clients and their already very privileged children happy but personally I'd rather underprivileged children from childrens homes etc got the party... but hey ho thats capitalism innit?
Whats slightly galling, when roped into helping at the said event, is when the aforementioned clients bring their FRIENDS kids along to join in the free-for-all

...and complain that the toys arent exactly what their little darlings want

...and bitch about 'only' having TWO floors of the London toy store to themselves

...and slag off the Kids entertainers

...and leave without saying thank you
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:47, 1 reply)

Also, while I think about it, this
£45m spunked on some painting which wasn't painted by a British artist, or depicted anything British, sold to the nation at a knock-down price by some Duke whose ancestors probably stole the fucking thing in the first place.

£45m. That's what, about the cost of 3 schools ? When a high-quality print could be produced for 0.001% of this cost that would look pretty much identical. Sure, you couldn't "admire the brushwork" but so the fuck what. £45m when this country's finances are going down the shitter.

I fucking despair.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:46, 6 replies)

A couple of years ago I heard on Radio 4's "Today" programme
how a load of African immigrants were trying to get to Europe, and setting off in make-shift rafts etc across the Med., and landing on some small island that Italy owns which is the closest EU-owned piece of land to Africa (yes, I know Gibraltar is the closest point to Africa, but I suppose it depends where you set off from).

Anyway, these poor bastards had risked life and limb, were starving, had left their homes and all their belongings behind to try and seek a better life elsewhere. Christ knows how desperate you must have to be to think that going somewhere where you might end up in prison, you don't speak the language and you're going to end up if you're lucky right on the bottom of the food chain is better than staying put.

What boiled my piss was the reaction of some English tourists - saying how horrible it was that on holiday they and their kids would have to see these poor half-dead people landing on the beach.

Cunts.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:41, 1 reply)

Christians
Whining that they are discriminated against, poor dears, when society taps them gently on the shoulder and points out that homophobia is going the same way as slavery, witch burning, torture, racism and all the other unpleasant things christians swore blind were God's Unalterable Will For His People until deciding that maybe they weren't after all.
(ubergeekian, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:39, 7 replies)

Once my butler brought my breakfast in, and the kedgeree was slightly cool.
I can't tell you how upsetting it was.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:34, 7 replies)

As a child I once ran out of sugar.
I felt bad because the tramp children who lived in the tip would like their cups of tea sweet, who always looked out for my teabags, would go away disappointed that they found another tasteless unsweetened teabag.
Later realised that this didn't really count as generosity.
(Natrix, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:30, Reply)

Parents who bemoan their lack of freedom/sleep/money after having kids.
Well you shouldn't have fcuking well had the things then should you? It's hardly a surprise what was going to happen.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:26, 20 replies)

Radio 4
I used to enjoy listening to the Film Programme, on my Friday drive home. Now, it's been replaced by Feedback.
I can't stand Feedback. An endless parade of self-satisfied wankers, writing/phoning in to tell the BBC how their life has been ruined by 30 minutes of radio that they didn't particularly enjoy (recent example: 15 minutes each weekday, on the history of sport and its role in British society? A disgusting waste of license payer funding, when there is already far too much sport on the BBC!).
So, what did I do? Write to Feedback, to let the BBC know how much I detest Feedback? No, I tuned the radio to something else. I must be some sort of genius.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:18, 10 replies)

His wife's a lawyer.
Specifically, a personal injuries lawyer - an ambulance-chaser.

One wet Saturday afternoon in the middle of December, she detailed to me how judgemental people are at Christmas parties when you tell them that you're a personal injuries lawyer.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:17, Reply)

I wasn't 1st.
I'm worthless, not even in the first 3.
*cuts wrists*
( 6821isnotmyPIN Bored cig., Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:14, Reply)

The milk's gone off
I...don't know how I'm going to make it through the day...

*Sobs*
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:13, Reply)

Children's passports
My children have my surname, their mother has a different surname. With alarming frequency she is harassed at Passport Control when travelling with them as she "cannot prove that she is their mother and cannot prove she has permission to travel with the children".

Various Immigration Officers have suggested that she travels either with copies of their Birth Certificates – which do not show parents' names, are "not to be used for identification purposes", and can be obtained by anyone willing to pay the relevant fee – or with a letter from me giving my permission for her to travel with them – trivial to forge. This is to "help prevent child abduction". Neither suggestion takes into account the possibility of a child being abducted by someone with the same surname.

BUT this only ever happens when she is returning with them to the UK, never on departure. It's hardly abduction if she's bringing them back, is it?

If children under a certain age are not allowed to travel without the permission of their parent(s) or guardian(s) then why are those details not in their passports?

This used to annoy my sister so much that she got passports for her children in her husband's nationality.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:08, 11 replies)

1st lolol

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:08, 1 reply)