Arrest cyclists who run through red lights...
... or go the wrong way up one way streets, or cycle on pavements, or do any of the other illegal things they do. Then give their bikes to someone who deserves them.

Oh, and require third-party insurance and a licence for cyclists, too. Like cycling proficiency test, for grown-ups.

Finally, in any given accident involving a bike, assume the cyclist is at fault if they are a) wearing earphones, b) not wearing high-vis, c) not using lights if it's anything other than daytime and clear visibility, or d) riding one of those bloody stupid fixies.
(gordonjcp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:23, 30 replies)

Now Heathrow has added "family check-in desks"
it would be nice if they went the whole hog and added "family planes" too.

Coming back from Canada this year on a ten-hour overnight flight, the precious little darling behind me continued talking and kicking my seat for nine of them. Not even two sleeping pills and nine beers could knock me out. Then it fell asleep for the final hour, just as they opened the windows and bright sunlight filled the cabin, then screamed the place down when it was woken up to get off the plane.

Actually, fuck all that. Instead can I buy a ticket on "Smokers' Airlines" - over 18s only, and you can light up any time you like.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:21, 6 replies)

When I've just watched a film on television
I want to sit in the post-film afterglow and let the credits roll like in the cinema. I do not want the picture to suddenly be crushed into an unreadable five-inch corner of the screen and have the closing music cut so that some hysterically over-excited continuity announcer can start braying at the top of his lungs about how I can watch a repeat of Celebrity Big Brother next, or Embarrassing Teenage Bodies tomorrow night. If someone could arrange for the people responsible for this intrusion to be lined up and shot while I ruin their last moments on Earth by shouting about how they're going to miss tonight's repeat of Frasier, that would be lovely, thanks.
(richardm, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:21, 4 replies)

The world and my kitchen skills could easilly be fixed.
To make the world a much better place we require some genetic engineering of the fantastic fruit that is the chilli. The chilli is an excellent addition to all meals, however it has the power to ensure that the minute I have finished chopping one I will require a wee.

To make the world a better place, for you and for me... (thanks Michael) and to prevent the jumpy up and down sweary dance, I propose making chillies not affect the skin of my sweaty cheese pants plum. World peace shall prevail.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:19, 3 replies)

let the police give kids/chavs/fucking idiots a slap if they misbehave, remove all health and safety bullshit, stop people making bogus compensation claims, try and fill a bath with cum.

(men boles Benea, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:14, Reply)

And another..
A "Fuck off we're full" sign at each border crossing would be nice.


Right, I'm off to polish my Jackboots..
(frightfullybored, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:09, 1 reply)

Stop this obsession with labelling people with stupid airy fairy quasi illnesses
Oppositional Defiance Disorder springs to mind...

We used to call kids with this so called condition "Little Cunts" which could be fixed with a swift backhander..
(frightfullybored, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:08, 7 replies)

Robbing Bastard Airline Companies
Having been gouged more than once by these arch-bastards for being one or two pounds over the luggage weight allowance, after standing in the queue behind the fattest bastard in the universe (at least 30 stone) who scraped in a few ounces under, and wasn't gouged.

My idea is simple: You stand on the scales with your luggage. Job. Done.

We'd then see surreal adverts like "Special Offer: Benidorm for 50p a Kilo!" (they'll still make a fortune, mind.)

PS: Remember to take dump before checking in ... save a few quid!
PPS: There should also be an "Arse Width" surcharge, so fat bastards arses stay in their own fucking seat, with no 'overspill' ...
( MeatB3ta ... I was just cleaning it when it went off ..., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:06, 3 replies)

Engender a sense of respect in kids.
Bring back smacking.
Anyone claiming to have been influenced by "Pester Power" to be shot.
Stupid fannies using any of the phrases "its the government's fault/it's my right/moving forwards/health and safety nazis/nanny state/no respect/music's not as good" to be shot.
Most people to be shot.
Jumpers for goalposts.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:05, 1 reply)

No fucking about on gameshows.
Quit the intros, I don't care who the host is let alone the contestants.
Just get on with it and ask the questions from the off.
No umming and ahhhing when answering.
No asking for more time.
Upon giving the answer the host should immediately acknowledge whether the answer is correct or incorrect instead of drawing out that annoying faked suspense.
Gas the audience.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:04, 4 replies)

Fish Tanks
Keeping fish in your house is the exact same as keeping an albatross in an underground bunker at the bottom of your garden. Stop doing it, it’s unnatural and dumb.

Also, fish are exceptionally stupid and ugly creatures. If fish do, for some unfathomable reason, need to be kept, they should be kept in tanks made out of two-way mirrors so they can see out but I can only see my handsome face smiling back at me instead of some bulging-eyed, lump of effluence.

More to the point we should just fill the sea in, that way it’d get rid of all the fish and have the added bonus that I could drive to France for cheap wine and cigarettes instead of having to spend it sat on a ferry with grotty, soap dodging members of the general public and old people.

To fill the sea I would use mountains from France and Germany, then when I drive across Europe to Italy to buy new shoes it’d be flat so I’d not have to change gear at all. Thus saving my shoe leather and the environment twice! Once by driving in a higher gear and twice by not having to drive to Italy for shoes as often.

It should be noted that the new land would be an extension of England so we’d drive on the left. The French wouldn’t be allowed on it though as they drive on the right and that would be dangerous, health and safety and all.
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:52, 1 reply)

Pundits should only be allowed to express an opinion in the media about drugs
while they are currently under the influence of that drug.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:50, Reply)

All the enclosure acts should be repealled freeing the land for the people who work it.
Also farmers should be made to work in cities on minimum wage to stop the buggers moaning.

Alos it would be good if Legless ceased knobbing kiddies.
( rjmrjm, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:48, Reply)

there are many people who should never have been allowed to reproduce
butcher their offspring and sterilise them with something rusty so that they can't do it again.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:47, 2 replies)

School leavers get free LSD
Minds get expanded/ruined

World better place in long run =D
( Steerable_forehead Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration,don't fail me now, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:46, 1 reply)

Woozle Wozzle?? What the hell is woozle wozzle?
(El_diablo_blanco, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:40, 1 reply)

Re-name knives to 'gay sticks' to stop knife crime.
Ive been saying this via my board sig for years now, but seriously, what self respecting chav would want to be known as 'That one who carries those gay sticks 'round wiv im!" ??
( Victor Meldrew, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:39, 3 replies)

Help the earth! Be Green!
Save the planet by getting rid of all humans.
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:39, Reply)

Ban them from the UK
The following should be banned from the UK:
gypsies
foreigners
bankers' bonuses
social security benefits
people of colour, whether they've lived here or not
gays
anyone who supports labour
young people
anyone who binge-drinks
hoodies
anything that might give you cancer
the smoking ban
non-christians
the NHS
computer games
any music created after 1955
unwed mothers
the internet
ecologists
windfarms

just so the Daily Mail will stop maoning and FUCK OFF!

(that list ended up longer than I thought it was going to, and I decided to stop half way through. They do like a moan, them lot)
(ScousersPet, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:39, 2 replies)

On the subject of tabloids, if they get proven wrong by someone, as they regularly do
whether it's libel, or some other form of misinformation, they should have to devote the same amount of coverage to the correction.

As an example I'm thinking specifically of that guy who's sued about six of them over Joanna Yeats's murder; before he'd even got out the police station they'd hanged, drawn and quartered him, and when it turned out to be someone completely different, their response was "Sorry ANYWAY here's a pair of tits!", which I don't think's good enough.

It would also be fun to watch the Daily Fail run millions of articles on how nice forrins are.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:39, 3 replies)

Everyone should stop fucking children.
They should stop fucking children from being on my train, in my cinema, in the same shop as me...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:23, 2 replies)

All birds in the UK should be tethered to the floor by a two meter cord in a field somewhere in the midlands. In alphabetical order. With labels.
This would make bird watching a fucksight easier. I can't tell one warbler from another at the moment.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:21, 1 reply)

Why don't we do this already?
Punish those who kill/injure somebody with their car in the same way that we punish those who kill/injure somebody with any other blunt instrument.
(flimflam_machine, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:20, Reply)

Trampolines that look like paving slabs hidden in the pavement.
Just to keep people alert.
I for one would arrive at work 75% happier if I had accidently done a somersault on my way in.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:18, 2 replies)

ban every single programme
that has "celebrities" doing stuff in jungles, in houses or on dancefloors. also ban every programme that involves a panel of "celebrity" judges.
destroy heat magazine.
fire jeremy kyle into the sun. he looks like he comes from there anyway, the orange cunt.
chocolate on prescription.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:17, Reply)

Anyone quoting Bill Hicks,
Monty Python, The Simpsons, or Family Guy, will be beaten to death (that could be a much longer list, feel free to add to it). Linking to xkcd cartoons, that can go on there, too.

This doesn't need to be permanent, just until it gets back to a tolerable level.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:17, 19 replies)

Insitute the death penalty for all politicians!
We should elect people who know how to run shit. They create policies and if we vote on them on our monthly voting day. If those people start acting all political and shit, lobbyists, agendas, and whatnot, dead.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:11, 5 replies)

Remove the reply function on qotw.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:07, 6 replies)