Randomised Parenting
Settle once and for all the debate on nature vs nurture, and mix-up the gene pool a bit by separating mothers and babies immediately, then distributing the children randomly.

The blonde offspring of the city banker is shipped off to a Birmingham council estate; the Essex born chav offspring is sent to crofters in the Western Isles; the Sommerset single mother's crotch-fruit is placed with the Cambridge academic.

No birth certificates, no records, just random sprogs for random parents.
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:54, 5 replies)

If i was in charge i would
Ban the following vehicles from the roads during rush hour
Learner drivers
Cyclists
Buses
Lorries
Milk floats
Any vehicle whose driver is over 60

I would also ban lorry drivers from leaving the slow lane of the motorway for anything other than to avoid a collision or similar emergency.

I would instigate a driving test for cyclists who would not be allowed on the road without having passed it. Cyclists would also have to have tax and at least third party insurance and would be burnt alive if caught running red lights/riding on the pavement.

Politicians would have to prove that they had no other business interests and if caught in any criminal act would be barred for life from public office. Furthermore if a politician broke an election pledge this should spark an immediate reelection.

All soap operas talk shows and reality tv shows would be taken off tv immediately and the air time used for nature documentaries and other items that don't pander to the lowest common denominator in society. People complaining about this would be advised to visit a library and improve their minds till they are capable of watching something designed not to turn their brain into cream cheese.

There would be no entry into the country unless you can prove that you have money in the bank and a job/house to go to.

I would raise the minimum wage so it is no longer an excuse for people to say that they are better off on benefits. Benefit payments instead of cash would be exchanged for food/clothing/energy/travel vouchers to further encourage those on benefits to get a job.

I would hunt and kill the man/woman responsible for the We buy any car/Go Compare adverts.
Lastly i would smash the evil mirror that Jeremy Kyle uses to regularly slither into our universe.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:49, 23 replies)

Airplane Etiquette
1. Listen to announcements regarding rows for boarding. Don't just crowd around the departure lounge door, they won't leave until everyone is loaded.
2. As you board, don't hit already seated passengers with your coat, laptop bag, other carry on luggage.
3. When you find your row, put your carry on luggage on your seat and stand in front of it until the queue of people behind you have passed by, rather than blocking the aisle while you struggle to load everything into the locker.
4. Arrive an extra hour earlier at the airport so you can relax, don't hold everyone else up, and don't arrive sweating and gasping in the seat next to me. Late connections are a valid excuse.
5. Treat the check in staff and flight attendants, like your family members, with courtesy, and you will find they will be more helpful.

Following these points will avoid me wanting to throw you without a parachute from the emergency exit. That is all.
(Classic Ray, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:45, 5 replies)

All those moaning fucking cunts...
Who decide to ruin results day for schoolkids who actually studied hard and earned their grades by moaning that 'Exams are easier, that's why they did so well' should be forced to do the following.

1) Pick a subject which they stduied at GCSE (or equivalent) or A Level (or equivalent).
2) Publish, on the record, so any member of the public can see it, the mark they originally got.
3) Sit that years exam in their chosen subject. Under strict exam conditions. No revision necessary, the exam is easier now, they should walk it.
(williamthebloody, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:37, 14 replies)

Richard Littlejohn
Odious git, whose twice-weekly column penned from the safety of a Florida pool-side is filled with barely-researched bile designed solely to provoke anger.

Under a future B3TA government, he should be forced bodily through a tea-strainer, turned into soup, the soup fed to rabid badgers, and the rabid badgers fired into the heart of the sun. And that's being lenient.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:35, 3 replies)

Whoever invented that now-ubiquitous heat-sealed clear plastic packaging:
Your destiny is to be locked in a chamber composed of that selfsame plastic. Your anguished confession that the substance you marketed as 'plastic' is actually 40% Kevlar and contains traces of red matter and kryptonite will go unheard beyond the walls of your airtight prison. Your only hope: cut through the walls of the chamber using the craft knife you can feel protruding from your arsehole before the air runs out. Will your sphincter be strong enough to save you? Do you remember promising that all you need is a sharp knife?
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:30, 1 reply)

Abolish team building exercises
If I am in charge of you in the hierachy do as your bloody told. If you are in charge of me I will do as I am bloody told.(Exclusions allowed for illegal/down right bloody stupid requests.)

I don't want to run round a fucking field in Essex shooting paintballs at people. Rolling in the mud just makes me despise my collegues even more than I do already.
(kickstandrich last had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:21, 1 reply)

Anyone who says Simples
Should be hung, drawn, quartered and then slow boiled in a pot of ear wax and sold as commemorative candles at the London Dungeon.

The world would be a better place without these unimaginative fuckwits.

That is all.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:16, 4 replies)

Pubs to no longer allow children in.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:11, 9 replies)

Pubs should have coin/card operated self service pumps.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:10, 4 replies)

Stocks
Put stocks in all town centers.
They put all the shitty fuckers, yobs, vandals etc in them.
Then charge a pound to throw rotten fruit at them.
Then give all the money to the NHS.

Don't get me started on the cat'o'nine tails.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:09, 1 reply)

A nice round 20
1. All cars to be replaced by the ones from Bugsy Malone. The current car manufacturers can continue to come up with beautiful looking cars, they're just powered by the occupants.
2. Asylum can only be granted at the British Consulate in your current country of residence.
3. The current dreary National Anthem will be replaced by 'If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.'
4. When England play New Zealand at Rugby after the Haka[sp?] we give them 3 verses of ‘Heads, shoulders, knees and toes’. Spectator participation is mandatory.
5. Those who actively participate in criminality are declared ‘outlaws’ and therefore have no protection from it. Therefore giving an outlaw a hefty boot in the goolies is perfectly legal.
6. The NHS is to be only available to those who pay into it.
7. All phone numbers are recorded for television contests. If you phone more than once your vote no longer counts but you are still charged.
8. Anyone who wants to be a politician is automatically banned from becoming one. MP’s are picked randomly from the population and have a 2 year contract.
9. Carrying on from the above, motions put before the house (phnarr) have to be in the form of closed questions. It is discussed in the same day then they vote on it.
10. All electrical goods should have a proper ‘off’ switch. Manufacturers who have a red light on to tell you it’s off have to pay a hefty fine.
11. Live outdoor broadcasters have to tell dickheads in the background ‘waving at mum’ to ‘fuck off’ live on air.
12. ASBO’s are replaced with a 3 year tour in the army.
13. You can’t get onto the beach until you can put a deckchair together in under 8 seconds.
14. Only bright colours are allowed at funerals.
15. The National Curriculum is to be replaced with ‘The Dangerous Book for Boys’.
16. Anyone over 65 is not allowed out between 12pm and 3pm.
17. Unlucky people are not allowed to sue for compensation.
18. The BBC news/weather is only delivered from the studio and newsreaders wear evening dress damn it.
19. Bailed out banks cannot pay bonuses to employees, or dividends to investors till they have paid back to the taxpayers what they owe.
20. TitanLX is banned from reading the Daily Mail.
(TitanLX, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:05, 8 replies)

I'd go with a variation on the Logan's Run idea.
Except, instead of having a crystal embedded in your hand that shows how old you are, why not have a crystal embedded in your forehead that clearly demonstrates to the rest of the world how much of a wanker you are?
And continuing with the Logan's Run theme, once you hit a certain level of Wankerdom, somebody hunts you down and blasts you into powder.

I'd also favour digging a nice big canal between the Mersey and the Severn.
(Big D, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:05, 2 replies)

make lift doors close quicker
and line the door edges with razor blades as theyre closing.

There is always more than one Lift, if you didnt make it whilst the doors are open, you can wait the 2 mins for another lift.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:04, Reply)

aand 'breath... in... out... in... out... aand relax...' and that's BEFORE I get started!
Health and Safety has its place, and I'm damned sure it doesn't involve making a steel worker on the 67th. floor having to wear a plastic helmet 'just in case', or a bloke laying tarmac for that matter.

BE REASONABLE for pities sake; I used to interview people for I.T. (that's computer operators for those of us old enough to know better). I was often more than bemused by the university-educated 'IT' graduates and more pleasantly surprised by the labour exchange folks sent to me. (pre 'Job seeker/finder/squander/other' era; when people actually went to the labour exchange to find a JOB!!)

I can only conclude, given my advancing years, that Common Bloody Sense(TM) was a finite resource that has been getting used up and is now as rare as it appears to be.

I have quite a lot of the leftover CBS from 1969 that I keep in a bucket by the bedside, but supplies are limited; send your bank details to......

I still can't fathom how people became so gullible. WTF HAS HAPPENED?

OOh and compensation! 'oops I fell down it must be due to SOME OTHER PERSON! WHO HAS DONE THIS TO ME???!!!!'

Dog Nose how many times I've tripped, fallen out of trees, skinned my knees, broken a wrist/leg/rib doing something daft and just generally enjoyed the hell out of my life.

I despair. OOH TV adverts... just don't get me started otherwise I might need some compensation for the blood-vessel I'm about to blow!!!

Length? nope. Height about 5ft. 2in. in my stockings feet.

Apologies for the lacks of hummus; I'm a grumpy old git and proud of it!

I'm just off to 'Ambulance Chasers 'R' Us' in case there's a spare liver for dinner...
( pingless misunderstanding your banter on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:03, Reply)

Driving lessons.
Forget things like hazard perception tests and the like. All learner drivers should have a short course (a couple of hours some afternoon) on how to look up the price of spare parts and the basic principles behind common servicing jobs.

Then, as part of the driving test they should have to take the car to a main dealer and explain clearly, firmly and politely that there is *no* *fucking* *way* they are going to pay for six hours of labour for changing the front brake pads.

This is especially important for young women drivers.
(gordonjcp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:03, 1 reply)

Ban trolley suitcases on the underground
seriously! just because you walk infront of me by a clear meter, doesnt mean your suitcase is aswell.

Also, ban them on Escalators.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:02, 4 replies)

Trapdoors at supermarket checkouts
Don't have your money ready? Thats a trappin'

Havn't bothered to root through your stupidly overside and cluttered handbag for your purse until asked for the cash, even though you know you'll need it? Thats a trappin'

Perhaps this trapdoor could be operated by the next person in the queue?
( Victor Meldrew, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 16:02, Reply)

Unless your child saves a dog from a burning building while nursing a broken leg, or similar
Then you cannot talk to anyone in a pub about said child's activities.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:55, Reply)

Heinz Baked Beans and Sausage
But minus the beans - just the sausages.

HOW LONG WILL MANKIND HAVE TO WAIT FOR THIS!?
( rofl harris, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:52, 3 replies)

Educated TV presenters
Bring back the days when TV programmes (I'm thinking here mainly documentaries) that were presented by people who actually knew what they were talking about.
It's a crazy concept I know, but we've got cookery shows presented by people who can't cook and property shows presented by Aled fucking Jones!
Every documentary seems to need a 'star name' attached to it to get people to watch.
Ross kemp? Just because he played a vicious thug in a soap opera, does not instantly make him the best person to front a show about vicious thugs.
In the old days, newsreaders were journalists first, presenters second. Now their presenters first, and Celebrity Dance Wank contestants second. Being a journalist, or having some insight into the news doesn't come into it anymore.

When I hear David Tennant doing a voice over on a nature show, it doesn't have the same resonance as Attenborough, or Julian Pettifer.
It just makes me think, if they can't get someone who knows their stuff to do the talking, I'd rather they didn't bother.

It seems the only show on telly that does it properly is Top Gear. But even then Clarkson admitted when he got the gig years ago he knew fuck all about cars!
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:51, 1 reply)

No smartphones in pubs!
First offence is a warning.
Second offence is a fine.
Third offence you gets you set upon by rabid badgers.

And anyone found to be using a smartphone to cheat at a pub quiz will be summarily executed.

I'm not some horrible fascist. Since I got a smartphone, I've been as guilty of this as anyone. And I'm afraid rabid badgers are the only way I'll learn.
(I've never cheated at a pub quiz, of course. Anyone who does this is a cad, a bounder and a rank bad hat. Shooting's just good enough for them.)

There are some exceptions of course:

1: Taking out your phone to answer an actual phone call is acceptable. Unless you've got a crazy frog or similar novelty ringtone. In which case: badgers.

2: Checking football results online is similarly excused, as this will ignite hearty conversations. This is only allowed on Saturdays, in a pub without a television or radio.

3: Using youtube videos to keep a small child amused whilst you drink.

4: Using a smartphone to find the way to the next bar, kebab house, strip club or taxi rank.

There are also some exceptions that work in the opposite direction: Offences so dire that you jump straight to rabid badgery, no matter how many blots you have in your metaphorical copybook.
These include:

1: Using a smartphone to put an abrupt stop to a promising round of pub-based bullshitting. Nobody's actually interested in how many caps Nobby Stiles got, damn it. The argument is the point!

2: Using a smartphone to check stocks. In any context. No arguments. Now shut the fuck up, finish your croissant and get out.

3: Posting to any social network whatsoever.

There you go. Simple, commonsense solutions for a blight that has plagued us for too long. And of course, building up business for my rabid badger dispensary. Cushy government contracts here I come!
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:39, 10 replies)

People who walk through the tube barriers and then stop to have a little look around
People who get to the top of an escalator and then stop to have a little look around
People who are walking down the middle of a busy pavement and then stop to have a little look around

All of these people should be executed without trial
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:38, 6 replies)

Make school lunchtimes two hours long...
... and use the time to teach school pupils, from primary 5 up to the end of sixth year (or whatever weirdass equivalent they have in English schools), how to plan, prepare, cook, and eat a meal.

I'm not talking about Home Economics class; they're fine as far as they go but this should be something that will actually teach school pupils how to eat properly. Not cramming "ZOMG FATS ARE BAD EAT LOTS OF VEGETABLES" down their throats, actually how to think your way through having an enjoyable meal from beginning to end.

Once a week, sixth year pupils should be required to go out to a nice restaurant for a meal, and to discuss how their other classes are going with a couple of their teachers. Maybe a pub lunch in a Wetherspoons, maybe somewhere posh, maybe a sushi place, whatever - different every time. This will teach them how to behave when they're out for a meal, and how to have a civilised conversation over dinner. Plus, a chicken curry pie and chips and a pint of 80/- sets you up just right for double PE in the afternoon.

I guarantee that will be the most useful thing that anyone will ever learn at school.
(gordonjcp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:36, 1 reply)

Escalators on the London Underground
All escalators should be widened for the inclusion of a third lane, the lanes would be organised thusly:

Lane 1: Standing only. For the elderly, the infirm, the lazy, London's undead, and for fatties.

Lane 2: Walking lane. For those fatties from lane 1 who, and fair play to them, feel that "they want to have a go", but would otherwise impair the movement of those in lane 3.

Lane 3: Brisk walk/run. For those Londoners who still have a pulse.

This should be rolled out across the network as soon as possible.
( rofl harris, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:34, 1 reply)

3 fingered Kit Kats

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:34, 7 replies)

make KFC gravy available in the shops.

(men boles Benea, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:30, 9 replies)

Lightning rods for giraffes
Far too many giraffes are getting killed TO DEATH by lightning because they are the tallest thing on the savannah. And when there aren't enough giraffes to go round, starving leopards smuggle themselves out of Africa and roam the streets of provincial English towns looking for prey. And taking our jobs, or something.

I propose, then, to prevent a world giraffe shortage, we install lightning rods on all at-risk giraffes, (and perhaps ostriches as well) so that they aren't frazzled to a crisp before the leopards get them.

That means that whenever there's a storm, the lightning will always strike - and kill utterly TO DEATH - the second-tallest thing on the savannah, that being double decker busses full of American tourists.

Problem SOLVED.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:26, 4 replies)

Also DJs should be shot for talking over the end of songs
Just had Johnny Cash ruined by Steve Wright.
( rjmrjm, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:23, 9 replies)